100 Cold Approaches

7 approaches yesterday. 3 numbers. 1 i-date.

A few days earlier I did 2 sets of which 1 led to a number.

Met up with some other daygamers in Brussels yesterday and I did some approaches. I'm counting the instant blow outs where girls just kept walking after I tried to stop them.

The girl I had an instant date with was very receptive towards the approach. She introduced herself after it was clear that I just wanted to talk. Italian girl who grew up in the UK. My English speaking sets are usually with girls who aren't native English speakers, so maybe that's why she was more confident. I took her to a café and she touched me a few times whilst we were ordering. When we were sitting I did kino, and she didn't seem to care. I didn't really go for extended kino like holding her hand for a prolonged time. I don't know if the much yearned "same day lay" was realistic, since my logistics are off and I don't think that I have the skill set for that. But thought patterns like that aren't good because it assumes a perfectionistic standard ["I should have done XYZ!"]. Nothing should be if things aren't. So after a the i-date I grabbed the number and then we split up.

The other 2 numbers are a Romanian and Bulgarian girl.

What I usually say now after stopping the girl is saying that she has a relaxed/serious/happy walk. I guess it's direct enough in a way that the girl immediately knows that I'm flirting.

I always tend to rest on my laurels when I get a number [or even do a set that I think is good enough]. I think "this will be it!". This is a mistake. Severly limiting. A good interaction with a number close doesn't mean anything. Keep pipelining.

97/100

 

Did some approaches yesterday so this round of 100 approaches is finished.

Nothing special to write about. They were mostly contextual.

100/100

Today I went out for a direct daygame session and did a minimum of 8 approaches. 1 number. Lots of blowouts. Wasn't really in the vibe. Bad weather. Not many girls. People looked stressed out. Or is it a matter of how I interpret reality? I suppose it is. Met with some wings.

I see some benefits of meeting with other guys to do direct cold approaches. I suppose that I have done approaches I never would have been able to do alone. Especially running/jogging after a girl to do the approach. I guess there is also a pride thing where I do the approach in order to show the other guys that I'm a man of action and that I don't just come over to only talk about game. This is not a bad thing per se, because it facilitates you to spur into action. But I also think that it's limiting to rely on other men in order to do approaches. Your approach anxiety has to be addressed independently.

One of the wings was a very experienced daygamer [who liked to talk about his "fuckcloses"] who got blown out a lot. The reason for this was because he was approaching a lot, he didn't care. I guess I learned something valuable because of this... The reality of daygame. It's not this sweet paradise filled with nectar and honey. It's a rough world. Rejection after rejection. Flake after flake. There's no way to circumvent this. We want "solutions" and "tricks". What to say? What to text? Which "routine" is the most effective? It's not like that. It's about leaving the comfort zone, accepting the awkwardness and exposing yourself to a copious amount of rejections...

8/100

Anyway, I'm glad that I experimented with direct approaches during the last 100 approaches and, hopefully, beyond. It's difficult and way more of a shame attack [more on this later] than just asking for directions, obviously. But that's what makes it so powerful.

For the next 100 approaches, I want to be facing more:

- rejections
- awkwardness
- shame

Sounds weird right? I'm personally flirting with the idea to start doing "shame attack" exercises. It's a situation where you purposefully make a fool out of yourself in public. These excercises are usually assigned to people who are shy/have social anxiety:

In general, shame attack assignments are valuable as they challenge our desire to conform to social standards, as well as our need for the approval of others. Often when others express their disapproval of our behavior, we engage in catastrophic thinking, and ultimately question our self-worth. Thus, shame attacks help us discriminate between our engaging in a specific behavior, and our worth as a human being. (source)

The goal of shame attacks is to become free of the judgement of others. You do something foolish in public and realize... the world doesn't come to an end. Your expectations don't match reality.

Have been doing some very low threshold shame attacks today:

- did push-ups on a train platform. Not too many people around but still I felt a lot of constraint. No one cared.
- I went for jogging and at a certain point I was in a street with a lot of car traffic. I purposively run in a very silly way.
- using an umbrella when it wasn't raining anymore

Not extreme, but it was uncomfortable. But you realize that it's all in your head and that your worth as a human being isn't dependend on how other people evaluate you.

I see cold approaches as shame attacks too. That's why I'm willing to reframe my approaching now to embrace more awkwardness instead of avoiding it. Challenging the girl. Saying stupid shit. Running after girls. Things that are way beyond my comfort zone. Inversely, non-approach shame attacks will help you with girls because you will have a more detached attitude where you don't care about the approval of others etc.

When doing these things, you realize that the monsters you're afraid to face, end up having no teeth at al...

 

Hey man, thanks for your posts. I think it's true the description of my interaction with this girl was a bit mechanical. I reduced the interaction by only talking about the touching aspect. This might be a bit depersonalizing as it makes abstraction of the pleasant conversation I had with her nonetheless.

I don't think I agree with the statement that an emotional connection is enough to get intimate with a girl though. That masculine-feminine polarity has to be present. This involves getting physical. I guess I focus on that because that's not in my 'hindbrain' but still in my 'forebrain' so that I have to think this through in an analytical way.

Respect man. One of my working points that also relates to dating is that I sometimes find myself worrying what other people might think of me. But I'm starting to realize how there is no causal link between what someone thinks of you and your worth as a human being. Shame attacks prove this point: you do something crazy/foolish, and people might think that you're a weirdo. But just because someone thinks that, by no means does it dictate your intrinsic value as a human being [same goes for rejection]. You come to learn that self-esteem comes from within, not from external validation. If our confidence was dependent on how people evaluate us, we would be putting our emotional destiny in the hands of something that is beyond our control. This leads to depression and anxiety.

This resonates with what you said about dating: it's about giving, not taking. If you are looking for a relationship thinking that it will make your life better, that's a mistake. A good relationship is an extension of a good life. It won't save you. It won't fill the void. Love isn't an effective anti-depressant.

I can see why. You're from France where the seduction community is pretty big, so you must have met a couple of daygamers I suppose. The experienced daygamer I met talked about game in a very cold-blooded way, that it almost sounded a bit depressing to be honest. He said that all his dates are the same, that he only uses routines. Where is that fun in that? Meeting daygamers and seeing in vivo approaches by other men can be inspiring [seeing them getting rejection made the futility of a rejection clear to me]. I guess there's also an instant connection when you meet other guys who approach because they faced approach anxiety too. But it doesn't mean that I have to agree with their outlook on life etc.

 

8 approaches. 2 numbers.

Direct daygame. The 2 numbers I got were from instances I had to run after the girl.

There was a time where I used to think that running after girls is needy behavior and that cold approaches during the day should be done indirectly... I'm quite happy that my mindset has evolved. These were very nice interactions. Normally I'm having 2 dates with girls this weekend who I met through cold approaching directly last weekend [a flake is possible of course].

16/100
3 numbers

 

1 date. 5 approaches. 1 number.

I had a date with a Romanian girl I approached last week. She suggested a place for something called "bubble tea" [never heard of it]. I get there and she already refuses my kiss on the cheek. Anyway, we get ourselves a bubble tea [can't deny that I was worried about the sugar and caffeine content] and walk towards a park. We sit and talk a bit. I'm going to focus on the physical escalation, and not on the conversation as such. At a certain point I put my hand on her back. She doesn't want that. I back off. I give her space and we talk more. Then I put my hand on her knee. She allows it a bit, but I have to back off here too. Am I going too fast?

We then walk and go to the centre of the city and go into a coffeeshop and have another beverage.

At the end of the date she doesn't allow me to kiss her on the cheek again. She says that she doesn't understand why we do that in this country. But I don't want to end the date on this platonic note. Before we split on the street I ask her why she thinks I approached her. I tell her that I like her and that I don't just want te be a "friend", that I have interest in her as a man has interest in a woman. I'm not sure if this comes over like I'm auditioning to be her boyfriend, as I believe that you fall into a relationship more naturally. She says that we have to be texting and calling more in order to get to know each other better. So I guess that the door isn't closed completely?

Some guys suggested me to talk about dating and sex with a girl during the date. The idea is that these things happen easier when you're talking about it. Something I will take into account next time.

I then joined some daygamers and did a few sets. Was quite exhausted and not that motivated to do approaches. My day basically revolved around women.

21/100

 

1 date. 1 kiss. [yesterday]
4 approaches. 3 numbers. [today]

So yesterday I had a date with the Italian girl I had an i-date with last weekend. We went to a really quirky and authentic bar that has been recommended by some daygamers. It's a dark place where you have a lot of privacy that is ideal for relaxation. Soft couhes which makes physical escalation and kissing easy.

I kept your post in mind before going on that date @Spirituss. You're nailing the hammer on the head on some points. Sometimes I'm not listening to what the girl is saying whilst I'm just thinking about how I can escalate. I then have an internal dialogue with myself about which move I have to make. This makes it hard to be in the moment. This not good obviously.

Yeah. I do have the hidden assumption that when I'm being categorized as a friend that I have failed. That my game is bad. That, if I had the right moves at the right time, the outcome would have been different. I guess that the deeper layer of this assumption is that I find it important how I'm perceived by a woman I have initiated contact with. I have to work on this unrealistic attitude.

However, I do think that you have to make a move at some point, even if it means crashing the train. I remember that you said a while ago that you always go for the kiss close on the first date. When I told the Romanian girl I don't want to be friends, I said something that if nothing happens, than that's how it's meant to be [I think you said something like this about dating not so long ago]. Didn't you verbalize your intent on dates too? Your writings have influenced my game more than you would think...

Back to the date... I don't really follow routines so it was just a normal conversation I guess. Yes, I did make a conscious effort to get tactile. I honestly don't see anything wrong with taking the risk and escalate physically. I come out of my comfort zone, I take up the burden to break the touch barrier, I respect her boundaries, and I see where it goes. It didn't work out with the Romanian girl. It did work out with the Italian girl.

We kissed again outside of the bar. We walked a bit in the city holding hands, and kissed again when we split ways.

Today I did some indirect/situational approaches. Approached a girl after my German evening class when walking outside of the building. Asked her if she follows German too [she isn't in my class]. She says that she follows French, we get talking and I grab the number. She's from Romania too [and really resembles the girl I had a date with on Saturday]. Had my first number close on the metro of this city today. Had to go fast because she had to disembark at a certain point.

25/100

 

I went to France for a few days. I went with family so it wasn't a daygame-centered trip.

I was pleasantly surprised by the way French girls look. They dress elegantly but still sexy [black pantyhose seem to be in fashion]. They look very approachable. However, I didn't really do any approaching [my confidence wasn't on point]. So I have no idea how they would have reacted to English-speaking approaches.

Well, I guess I did a few indirect approaches which led to 3 number exchanges:

A girl in a museum. She was from the Dominican Republic. Asked her if she knew which style the painting was. We get chatting and I end up giving her my number in case she comes to visit my country.

Three girls from Paris who are originally from Laos. Asked them if they knew a good restaurant. We end up chatting. At the end I say something like "Look, if you want to stay in touch..." and I end up grabbing the number of one of the girls. I actually liked another girl more but I was afraid to ask her directly. Not that it matters though, as it's not likely that I will be seeing any of these girls again.

Approached a Chinese girl who lives Paris on the train platform today. I asked something simple and we get chatting.

I think I did a few other indirect openers that didn't go anywhere. It's still better than absolutely nothing, that's all I have to say right now.

31/100

 

Some updates.

Yesterday I had dinner at the Italian girl's place. We cooked together, a Napolese dish. At first I found it a bit overwhelming... Am I really having dinner at this girl's apartment?

Cooking together was a nice way to bond together. During the cooking process we had a few make out sessions.

After dinner we chill in her couch and make out pretty heavily. She puts on the defences when I rub her boobs. I respect the boundaries and back off. It's a repeating cycle of kissing, touching and talking. At a certain point I'm in her bedroom and I propose her to give her a massage. She agrees and lays down. I unzip the jumpsuit. She takes off her bra. I start to massage her shoulders and she relaxes.

I'm not going to go into graphic details of what happened. We basically had foreplay for hours, she gave me a handrub. I don't care that I didn't go for the "lay". It's all good times and great for rewiring the brain. I spend the night with her. I can't deny... it feels great to have a girl wrap her arms around you and give you random kisses during the night. I had to think multiple times "Woah, this is from daygame..." But yeah, it takes quite some work. Men like to talk about success stories, but you don't get to see all rejections, flakings and ghosts...

Approaches:

A few days ago I was on the tram and saw a girl reading in her Amazon Kindle. I took mine out and used it as a prop to break the ice. We talked a bit but I had to leave the tram pretty fast.

I did 2 direct approaches yesterday. I did some push-ups in a fashion street and I feel that this helps against the anxiety. It helps you to put yourself in a "I don't give a fuck about limiting social standards" mode, which helps a lot for cold approaching. First girl I complimented on her vest. We get talking but suddenly a random woman who knows the girl says hi to the girl. I decide to eject.

The other girl I crossed and said that she had a happy walk. What usually say is that everyone looks stressed but that she looks relaxed and then I ask her why. She says that Paris is worse. She starts asking me tons of questions. When I end I try to number close but she suddenly keeps walking saying something about destiny, like that we might run into each other another time. Not sure if she understood my invitation to exchange numbers. But I guess it's just a rejection.

I'm now trying to challenge the girl more during the approach. Normally I would agree with everything she says and try to find a connection with every aspect of her life. The first girl said that she works for a government agency. I told her that that sounds quite boring. The second girl suggested me to apply for the European Commission because the salary is good. I disagreed and said that life isn't just about money and that it's better to find work that you find fulfilling.

Today I did another approach. Said that she had a dreamy look and I asked her what her secret was.

34/100

 

I can add 5 approaches. Got a number on the metro on Monday, from a sincere opener. I asked the girl if the next stop was X. We get talking.

Yesterday I had a date with a Vietnamese girl I approached a few weeks ago.

On Sunday I spend the night at the Italian girl's place. Will normally see her again tonight.

39/100