The beginning, again.

So, I honestly don't know how this works. I've never been to NoFap before until I saw a few TED talks and people mentioning it. I'll just write, because this is a way for me to at least feel something. I'm 32. I've thought about killing myself a few times this year. And no, I don't think I'd ever do it. It just happens to be a thought that enters my head every time I "act out". I suppose that's a term most people on here would be familiar with. "Acting out". At least that's what it has always be to me. Since I was a kid, starting around 13 I've been "acting out". When I was 22, I wanted to kill myself. My life had de-evolved from a kid that was happy, top of his class, outgoing playing sports and music, to someone that found themselves sitting in front of a computer for hours at a time numbing myself into oblivion, searching for any and every kind of high that would make me feel. I never did drugs, so at least there was that. But I'm sure if I wasn't so scared of them I might have slipped off into the deep end of heroin or crack. So there I was, 22 and scared shitless when I finally found SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous). It was my saving grace. It was my moment in life where I'd found a place I belonged and wanted to be a part of. All of the men (and sometimes women) there were accepting and had stories of their own that they shared with grace and humility. NoFap didn't exist. Nothing on the internet like this existed. Not that it makes a difference. For months I was sexually sober. No porn. No acting out. I still masterbated, but for the most part it was no longer about objectification or the degrading of women. It was nice, more of a relationship with myself, rather than a sickness of feeding the urge. Life was good. I feel that there were times where everything was going right. And then a switch would go off in my head, and I'd think that I could treat myself, or it won't hurt that much, or it's just one time what harm could it do. Why I still have those thoughts now after knowing everything I know I can't say. But I will say that the times in my life where I was "sober" were the best times of my life. I worked harder than ever before. I had amazing relationships with women that didn't come from a need to release but more from a feeling to connect. My life was going great. And yet, I sit here again trying to pick up the pieces of what I remember my life being, without seeing my life for what it is. I'm sad, and lonely. I look in the mirror and I become disgusted with myself. I sought therapy and counseling. Maybe not hard enough. That's why I'm here now at least. I'm just tired of feeling alone, and scared in this world. Growing up I was always told to man up or be a man, or any stupid cliche of masculinity that young men are told by their dads. By my estimation, doing the numbers, two years of my life have been spent in front of the computer. Two full fucking years. Every time I do this I just want to crawl into a hole and have someone toss the dirt on me. It's been harder lately to not have those thoughts invade my head. Those thoughts of fear and depression. My hope is that starting here can get me back to that path of happiness that I know I can have. Back to that place where I feel in control. Back to that place where I'm not so disappointed when I look in the mirror in the morning. Just to start. If you read all of this thank you.

 

Goals:

*First let me say I don't know if replying to my own thread is a thing as I'm still new. Not sure anyone is reading this anyway so here we go.

Goals:
At some point in my life I had them. I was all about attaining them and reaching them. I'd write them furiously on paper and think about all the ways that I could reach them. In whatever manner might seem like a good idea to get to where I ultimately wanted to be one day. Honest goals. Romantic goals. Nowadays I struggle with the idea of getting up as a goal. Like rolling my depressed lazy ass out of bed should be something to be proud to be accomplished. Or eating. Or brushing my teeth. My mood has brought me to that place though. That place where even doing something as menial as brushing my teeth is considered a victory. I acted out again today. I guess I made it two days. I think I slept for 15 hours last night. My dreams were shapeless and cloudy. I think of those goals that I set for myself as a child, and how they grew into adult dreams of finding a girl and falling in love. Of getting a great job and not stretching myself from one moment to the next with gritting teeth. Of happiness and that simple idea of enjoying myself. Now, my moods change so quickly, my mind gets so scattered, I don't know how I got like this. I can say I don't know where it went wrong. Maybe it was all those days so long ago when I was a kid after I first found porn that the spiral began. Maybe it was that day I didn't mind paying for sex. Maybe it was the day I had taken the trust of a close friend, and hurt her by manipulating her into having sex with me. A two year friendship down the drain for my own selfish reasons. And that's happened more than once. At this moment in time my goals have been trimmed from the dreamy and exotic, to basically making it to bed at night without shaming myself into oblivion. Without thinking of myself as a loser or someone not worthy of himself. Shame is my mistress most of the time. I sleep with her and see her wherever I go. She taunts me too. It's a hate hate relationship. I get lost in it, numbing myself into oblivion in ways I don't like to imagine but somehow feel comfortable to me. Maybe I need to go back to my old goals and be that young dreamer again. It might be easier to get out of bed.

 

Woke up, thought about the day, the next day, and every day after that. My time is finite. One day there will be no more days to look forward to. Each day is a gift. Each day is a precious gift, because one day there will be no more gifts. I must be grateful and move forward.

 

We are, all of us on a journey. A weird journey of self discovery. And I think that everyday we go forward in this not knowing anything really. As if our expectations of what life is supposed to be like doesn't matter, because moment by moment the world changes in ways we can never understand. At least for me, I feel sometimes anxious in it. That idea about losing control or not being certain about the world causes me to seek refuge. Normally that refuge for me is a place where I act out, or I try to control a situation and all the steps in it. It's a place I think I got comfortable in. The inner workings of manipulation. The idea of telling myself that things are ok, that this time is different, that perhaps I'll be able to make a stand and not revert to my old self. I'm an expert on that. It's a sad dance I have with myself over and over. But this helps. Writing about it helps. Thinking more critically about it helps. And even if no one is reading this, if this is just existing here only for my benefit, it helps. Because I'm more than anything writing to myself, or at least the self I want to be. I've grown weak in body and mind, and I want nothing more than to strengthen myself, and this seems like the appropriate place for me to do it.

 

Mindfulness. Being aware of what's going on around me. But not only in what I can see and touch but what I cannot touch; my thoughts. I've learned the term "trigger" as in "I was triggered when I saw a post about 10 best sex positions" and then for some reason my mind would wander and I would lose my focus and then act out. I haven't been mindful enough. I haven't been present enough. I constantly click and scroll through the internet expecting something new to grab my attention to ward off the incoming barrage of thoughts that ultimately lead me to my acting out phase. But it's only a distraction from the distraction from the distraction. In the back of my mind the trigger still exist, and instead of being mindful of it, I try only to suppress to. That which we resist persist. When I become more mindful of it, I allow myself the opportunity to see where it's coming from. Because for me, the acting out is not coming from a place of sexual need or desire, but a place of loneliness. Of fear. Of shame. Of hurt. Grasping for something to make me feel better, I only go to the familiar which is watching a video or engaging in my slippery slope behavior. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different result. In that sense, I have gone completely insane. Yes, I am still sad. At the moment I am still lonely. But I'm trying to be more aware of it now. I'm trying to actively find the part of me where the moment comes from. And instead of numbing it to death with porn or masterbation, I try to let it wash over me. Because the moment will pass. The anguish I feel in that second is fleeting. Being mindful that abstaining from acting out will make me happier, versus acting out which will only leave me in more shame and sadness, and for me my worst feeling of loneliness. And when I force myself to be grateful of that moment of strength, I smile. Because every victory is worth noting, and every moment is worth saving.

 

Habits. Part of what got me to where I am right now in this situation are habits. Routine and control of them have always been an issue for me. As I move forward to try to get into the life I want to live I must change the habits that have lead me to those dark places that I can't go back to. I deleted a lot of text messages. I just a quick scroll to see them one last time, take in whatever information that I might need and then said bye bye to them. Pictures. I took all the ones I wanted to keep and put them in a folder buried in an inception of folders so I won't be tempted to always look at them. Websites. I just stopped going to certain ones that trigger me altogether. Changing the habit of my life is the only way I can think to make my life better. What do I have to lose? My mindset is more about what it is I can gain from it.

 

Fear. Today was a day that an urge came to me. I didn't go to it like I normally do. And the only reason I didn't was fear. I feared that person I was before and I was scared to be him again. That person who is always hiding and always bending himself to everyone else. That person who puts his own interest behind him and feels shame at every turn for his acting out actions. He has power over me. He can take control sometimes. I've tried to run from him and beat him and turn away from him at every chance I got. But my fear of him today wasn't about a separate person. It was about fearing who I am. Looking at myself and knowing that the demon I fear is not some completely different person but is myself. I accept it. I need that other person because of his power. But I also have to be kind to him, because he's lost his way so many times before. I have to help him so we can work together in this world. I fear him, but I love him, because he is all of me.

 

Thank you for commenting on my post. I'm glad my words are reaching some people and they are finding some comfort in them. I've never thought about my past self dying though. I used to want to kill that person because I hated them so much. But the past person is me. That guy that did those awful actions was always me, and not some other person. I've found for myself that kindness and gentleness are more affective in moving forward. Forgiving ourself for the actions we took to get here, at least for me, has proven to be a more potent practice than trying to destroy that which cannot be destroyed. Each moment if a gift.

 

Thank you La Hire. I too believe that happiness is still possible after a long time of addiction. I've seen it. And purging does help me. It always allows me to connect with what happen and let it go without being attached to it. Life is better when it's uncluttered.

 

Thank you success_! Hearing you are not alone is always comforting. It can feel so lonely dealing with these things especially since we are surrounded by it in our society all the time. I'm pretty certain if heroin were as prevalent in our society as sex was we'd see the issues surrounding it. Best of success to you as well.

 

Patience. Hurry up. Do this. Do that. Get this done now. Early bird gets the worm. Be better than that person. Be stronger. Be faster. Get it done NOW! Our society is filled with people who want you to constantly be hurrying up. And in this recovery can be more difficult. In our "right now" world view where we have to have everything we need and want right this second, taking our time to reflect and move forward is hard. Each day I have to remind myself that I'm moving towards a long term life. A consistent happy life. A life where I wake up each day proud of who I am and the actions I've taken to get there. Some days I want to get to that point where it's not an issue. Where I finally do meet the girl of my dreams and fall in love. Where I'm happy. But then I realize that not everyday can be like that, even if it was perfect. There is no perfect day. I've long tried to fake my way into the moment of happiness where everything is fine. This normally happens after acting out, where I have to stare at myself in the mirror and beg myself to smile, and force myself to utter those words that every addict has said at one point or another. This is the last time. This will be the last time I watch porn, or objectify women, or make myself hurt with such shame that I can't even look at myself while I utter the words. I'm doing a good job at not faking it now. It's been a while. Maybe a week and a half since I acted out. I choose not to keep count because for me the satisfaction has never come in the numbers, but in the knowing that today was another day, and I made it. I'm starting to recognize thought patterns and instead of giving in to them I ask myself why I'm feeling that way. Was I sad, or triggered. Was I feeling something that my automatic habitual routine kicked in without my even knowing it. Was I hungry? Sometimes it's that simple. The body and mind wants to feel good, it will trick itself in most any way to get there. Patience has been key. If I have to stop myself completely, even for a brief moment, it can be the difference between a snowball to acting out, or understanding where I'm at and why I feel that way. I've been taking a lot of moments lately. I'm already noticing that my relationships are better. I feel better even though I'm sleeping less, but that's because I'm doing more. I'm engaging in my life rather than wishing it were something different. I'm grateful. I'm mindful. I'm getting focused on my life. On me. Because in the end I have to wake up with myself for the rest of my life, and I want to like that person.

 

I am in agreement with all of what you said. I suppose I choose to word it a little differently. But yes, I do like the idea of the metamorphosis. Thank you for that, and best of luck to you. Forgiveness can be hard.

 

Choice. One of the beautiful things about being human is our will power. We have come to the point in our path where we make choices not always based on instinctual needs such as food or water, but choices based on other emotional aspects, like love and happiness. I was talking to a friend about it the other day, about how I was single and haven't been in a relationship in a long time. Then we started talking about the choices we've made to get us to this point, how a series of choices that I've made ultimately has led me to this particular place where I feel alone. And she was right. I'd be crazy not to look back and realize that the misery I feel, the pain that I've had was all a conscious choice I made on one decision or another. Do I keep drinking... Do I keep pursuing my friend sexually.... Am I willing to break the multitude of promises I've made to myself to not go back to that old behavior. I've always had the choice to turn my head the other way. Or to make the decision that I've known would keep me on the path to sexual sobriety. As I continue to move forward in my journey, I'm always looking at my choices now. I've always had a good gut, a good instinct for things, and I've been going against it for a long time. My goal is that one day I won't have to look as critical at my choices. I won't have to think so hard about "what is right". I won't have to worry about my actions based on that choice. I will simply know, and make the right one for me, the choice I've always known was right for me. Each day the choices become easier. Each day I listen more and more to my true self. Each day I grow, and learn to love myself a little bit more.