My experiences / interactions with women

To start off, this won't be a hugely exciting thread, but rather low-key. There's a million covert, implicit and subtle exchanges we as men make every day with females around us, and I thought I would document them here. Perhaps it will make a good anthropological study, where we are all the researchers and writers of some thesis-to-come. This isn't a thread about approaching women, or dating them, or tips or whatever, though perhaps it can include that. This is just to document stuff I go through interacting with women on the daily, whether it be coworkers, strangers, friends, etc. I'm over 5 months PMO-free, if that helps. I only mention that because it has brought some sort of self-awareness and attention from women; the latter not necessarily being attraction, but just attention (usually in the form of not knowing what to make of me).

I guess I'll start off with a co-worker who grew to have a very obvious liking (romantic) for me. First impressions matter, and my first impression of her (and on subsequent interactions) was that she was bossy, entitled, adversarial. She wasn't attracted to me that earlier on; I guess that attraction came because I was able to have engaging conversations with her (due to SR clarity of mind) and a propensity not to cater to her aforementioned nonsense. Girls like her utterly wrecked my heart before, and I guess it's good that I was prepared for this one. Nevertheless, I never really came to like her in that way, since she reminded me of those previous girls, and her entitled and hypocritical ways, as well as her total assurance of those, did not appeal to me. She also showed little interest in my life and pursuits; it was more she liked that I could talk about the things she liked and wanted to talk about. In the PMO-ing past I might have been, "well she's good enough", and she might have likely eaten me alive.

The second is with another coworker who recently left the job, who may suspect I am interested in her. She's significantly younger than I am (over 10 years), but we always got along well; we had conversations that were fun and light. Given her age (mid-20's), I'm not being pushy and am giving her lots of space. She has not responded to a most recent message, but she has not blocked me either. I'm aware that girls her age are incredibly flaky and flighty, and am fully prepared for something like that from her, but we'll see. I like her energy. She has not shown interest in me beyond anything physical really, and I suspect she has daddy issues. I don't think I appeal to her psychologically or emotionally, which is where the meaningful aspect of connection is for a woman.

That's all for now. I'm also writing this because it's the night of a long weekend, I'm on > 5 months being PMO free, and I've had bouts of sexual frustration that I'm trying to quell.

Comments welcome. I'll keep adding to the thread nevertheless.

 

Well, she did respond. Polite, but not lazily so: she asked a question, engaged with my messages well. Updated me about her life, in a certain aspect. It's nice to know I'm not drawn to her because of physicality or anything - I just like her energy. It's a clean interest.

Walked the street today with another friend. Women gave me looks of admiration; again, clean looks, the look they would give someone who means well for humanity. An older woman walking in my direction with her dog looked at me directly, unswervingly, the same way.

The SR aura is real. Stick with it, guys.

 

Chatted for literally 3 hours with another (female) coworker after work today. Very upbeat, lots-of-laughs, energetic conversation. She told me a lot about her past growing up in the Caribbean. Normally, no one lingers after work; they jet home as soon as they can. I didn't expect to linger this long chatting with her in the parking lot, and I'm sure she didn't either. It started off as small talk in our staff room, both of us expecting to go to our respective cars, then 3 hours later we're in the parking lot still talking.

This isn't to imply romance. This post is just to talk about SR aura. I wasn't attracted to her romantically, but the assurance, inner energy and lack-of-agenda that you acquire on SR makes women comfortable and at ease around you. Compare this to a (male) coworker who asked her for her phone number earlier on...and who she rejected romantically. While I like the guy, you don't romantically "pounce" on a relatively new colleague like that. Again, while I like the guy, his energies are sort of unstable, awkward, insecure. I've certainly been there myself, and did what he did, in my PMO days. He saw me and her chatting, and looked dejected. I hope he likes me still, as I wasn't prospecting her romantically. She just felt comfortable with the SR aura and we ended up chatting at length.

Also, again at work: I can "see" through women who are inwardly attracted but put on this stoic, serious, even slightly "stuck up" face. The little nuances in their expressions betray a shyness, a human innocence, a loving admiration they're nevertheless experiencing in my presence. Replace "me", "my" and "I" here with any dude on a lengthy SR streak.

Yes, lots of women pass through my work everyday, which - while it used to bother me - has proven to be a very challenging testing ground in restraining my gaze, energies and attention.

Went to the mall after, caught a couple of women gazing at me while I was at the food court. One quickly looked away when I locked eyes with her. I wasn't compelled to approach her because 1) some invisible consciousness seems to have me just know when a girl's unavailable and 2) Girl, you were looking at me, if you were interested then you approach. Don't be lazy. And 3) I need to do something about a girl from my past who I remain attached to, and wouldn't feel right going forward with another.

 

Before I continue on, I just wish to state that my posting in this thread is not to "toot my own horn". I genuinely wish to reveal the effects of NoFap in the realm of interacting with women, so that other members here can get inspired. It's not for women that we no NoFap, but that particular side-effect is welcome, isn't it?

The girl I spoke with for 3 hours yesterday I think has become interested in me. She approached me today to follow up on that conversation, as well as to find out what I thought about something she had asked me. Some nervousness/hair-playing on her part. Women and girls generally seem very comfortable/talkative around me.

As for me? I am exhausted from all my energies trying to find their place after trying to undo two decades of PMO-conditioning.

I wish I could enjoy moments like this more, re. interacting with women. Hopefully I will be able to. I wish I knew in my teens/20's what I know now.

 

Thank you for the post, Clearminded. While I also think that self discipline on SR does improve your self-esteem and send out positive vibes, I also do think something is to be said for "aura". Even when I'm feeling and acting totally introverted and withdrawn, I still attract female interest/attentiveness. Even if I'm dressed in sweatpants, a hoodie and wearing a face mask. Something about retaining does something phenomenal to your presence, which we call "aura". I can't explain it. Pheromones? Latent pulsing energy?

That being said, on this journey, even if you're attracting a lot of attentiveness, interest, attraction, curiosity etc...you're likely to still be single and lonesome (assuming you don't try to approach women). Women don't approach, or are extremely unlikely to, and in fact many of them will "fall away" as you silently rise up in quiet power and wisdom.

I'd of course be curious to hear other guys' experiences with this.

 

Female attraction happens once the nervous/shameful/guilt-ridden energy from PMO-ing within you dissipates. This could be three days, or a week, or more. It depends on the person and his PMO-intensity. And female attraction only intensifies and increases the further you progress on SR.

That being said, don't do SR only for female attraction - do SR because you wish to improve yourself.

 

SR - especially a long streak of it - offers interesting anthropological observations on attraction from females. I say females because, at 6 months in, I've been seeing indicators of interest/attraction/curiosity from females of vastly varying ages: teenagers, young adults, adults, older women. The teenagers/very young adults are more brave in their displays of interest/attraction - it is likely they are experimenting with their burgeoning sexuality and are just practicing flirting. The older a woman gets, the more closed off she may eventually be, but SR will always, always initially bring out the unfettered, unconditioned attraction from her.

I'm at a place, a bit more than 6 months in, where I'm contemplating having a girlfriend, or carrying on in monk mode to pursue more spiritual/creative things, or - and perhaps most crucially - having a relationship with myself.

There is a good argument that not all 3 things are mutually exclusive, and that all can be done simultaneously, but of course - especially for someone like me - this can be very stressful and complicated. Perhaps I am wary of living a rich, complicated, complex emotional life of attachments, identification and worldliness - that only leads to a sort of low-grade unease (if you're lucky) or otherwise a lot of external messiness.

However: SR and meditation have revealed that all the above are facets of me; that is, wishing for female companionship/intimacy, wishing to be transcendentally spiritual, and wishing to be self-involved and "selfish" in a way that has me taking care of myself.

I am definitely at a tipping point of sorts - with women, I sense that I can initiate a relationship/romance easily now. With my spirituality, I am getting used to the idea of complete, total Surrender to what is - that whatever you choose out of your ego is only temporary and can be quite illusory and painful.

I cleaned my apartment - or rather, took small steps in beginning to clean it - today. Right now, I am sitting at a quiet spot in a library, looking at things that can help me in creative projects that I do.

Surrender is not a one-time dive, it seems...it is a very arduous process of nervously testing the waters, retreating, being afraid of the depths, dipping your toes yet again, then shin-level in, then knee-level in...even waist-level in, then realizing the depths and uncertainty of true Surrender, then panicking and hurrying back abruptly onto the bank....and then you go through the steps again until you're again waist-deep...and then maybe you continue on. Not a dive, but a conscious lowering of "yourself"...angular, slow, letting yourself merge with the depths. Until, finally, fluidly, flowingly, you become water itself.

I hope to continue posting in my journal shortly...there's been stellar, compassionate support for me there, and I'm not out of the woods yet. But I need to at least get back to those men on there. If you're reading this, men, I'm still enduring the challenges I mentioned....this is just a post on observation inspired by the flow state. I aim to respond shortly.

Peace and grace,
W4F

 

Definitely acquiring a sense of instant attention from women. And I mean women of varying ages - from high school girls to women I would say are in their late 60's-mid-70's. Students, girlfriends, wives, friends, mothers, colleagues, academics....women in all walks of life. SR power also helps you behold these women with patience and restraint, and so you'll soon see which ones are available, and which ones are not. But their initial attention to you is universal.

I don't know about attraction, per se, but I would definitely say the attention is of respect. There is definitely a sense of respect in their interactions with me. There is more empathy; they converse like adults more. They're kinder, more considerate and eager to assist. Women who work in the service industry, for example, make sure I am quickly/efficiently attended to even if I am just casually standing by, waiting. It's more than just customer service; it's definitely a presence thing.

There is a sense of dutifulness in their (women's) help. I suppose this is fertile situation in which to pick a companion. We'll see.

 

I would like to say a few words about lubricating fluid aka wetness while talking to women you're attracted to. I've noticed this has been happening to me, after over 6 months of SR. For some guys it might inspire a sense of anxiety, since we might wonder if we're becoming too-easily aroused again, or if we're too weak in that area, or if we're unnecessarily horny and haven't fully recovered yet. PMO causes trauma, indeed.

This wetness that occurs is commonly called precum, but I don't think that's accurate. I simply think it's the body's way of responding to attraction/arousal by lubricating the penis in preparation for potential sexual intercourse, even if externally this may not be the case. This has mostly happened to me when talking to women on a dating app, as both her and I know that the purpose of the app is to find/form a relationship.

I just wanted to say this. Try not to worry about it - it's healthy and is a sign that your system's working. That happening, and actually ejaculating, are a long way away from each other - barely close. Continue to enjoy the conversations, and don't worry about "acting on" that wetness...it's not unlike thinking about a tasty food, where saliva bursts at the back of your mouth even when you don't have the food in front of you, or even plan to get it.

 

It seems like being on a longer SR streak enables the retainer to read how genuine women are in their attention and intentions. Many women have tried to inspire my attention to them, but something about their authenticity felt off. And wouldn't you know it, moments later a boyfriend, husband or child(ren) would materialize. The funny thing is, the desperate monkey-mind in me considered (before realizing she was spoken for) approaching her/flirting with her. Thank you, SR.

 

Some women are something else, man. It's like they want to toy with you.

At the gym, there was this girl who came to do her stretches next to me. I'd spotted her upon entering the gym; immediately knew she was there on a show-off-my-body-while-acting-aloof vibe.

She chose to do her stretches in very -- so as not to provide triggers -- suggestive poses, where the most suggestive body parts were facing me. There were other directions she could have chosen to stretch in the name of modesty, but she was doing full-on P poses, except that she was scantily clad.

I mean I wasn't really affected due to feeling in touch with my own energy and intuition as to what she was up to. But I think back to my past self and how much I would have wanted to initiate a conversation with her.

1) She didn't make much eye contact; more of a self-occupied vibe.
2) She was talking to someone on the phone
3) She was talking in another language
4) She's from a culture known to "marry their own kind" (which I am not)

Nevertheless, in spite of all the above, she's putting on a show for me. I just know. And that's probably very patronizing on her part to assume I'd fall for her bodily charms and somehow make my way through the four points above just so I can shoot my shot; a shot that I figured is not likely to work given those 4 points.

I believe it was ego on her part, not interest. My former self, a small self even still, wants to believe it is interest, and that she wanted me to talk to her. But I believe it's not because she wanted to get with me, but simply because she wanted the attention. She never looked at me while she was doing those suggestive stretches, but did it for me. Even other girls in the gym looked at her like they knew. Therefore it's still ego.

Thankfully, I aligned myself with my inner energy and my workout only intensified and got more enhanced. Then I walked away to another exercise. She looked downtrodden.

What do you guys think -- ego or interest?

 

My only response to this is that SR allows you to "read" people better; their intentions and agendas through simple things like body language. I'm not sure how long you've been retaining, or if you are, but try to empathize that that is where I was coming from.

Yes, I could have spoken to her or initiated conversation, but truth be told I was sort of put off and turned off by how she chose to get my attention without even speaking to me. It's disingenuous.

Anyway, happy chuckling.