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Hanging by a Thread

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Ron B, Oct 3, 2015.

  1. Ron B

    Ron B Fapstronaut

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    I'm having problems with my girlfriend of almost 13 months. I had told her early on that I had a problem with pornography, but she seemed to think it was in the past. A few weeks ago I mentioned I was proud I hadn't viewed it in several weeks, and she became very upset.

    Due to this and other reasons, our relationship is hanging on by a thread. Last night we were going to have sex and I couldn't get hard. Pornography wasn't the only reason; let's say the venue available to us to do it in is not very romantic, and we had been fighting because I want to take a job out-of-state next semester but she'll still be completing school here.

    This is my first serious relationship. I love many things about her, but she doesn't always open up to me. I don't feel lifted up by her. She doesn't take an interest in my hobbies/interests. I feel like I'm only as good to her as the quantity of time I spend physically with her.

    Talk to me. What else do you want to know? What's your advice?
     
  2. Solitude

    Solitude Fapstronaut

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    If you do not take any interest in each other's hobbies or preferences it is difficult. Talk to her about her interests and be flexible about trying to do some things she likes. And tell her about how you've joined this support group and it is an addiction not a character flaw in you. She needs to know you are a better person than she is giving you credit for. And if she cannot accept your road to improvement and self awareness she should know she does not DESERVE YOU. A man needs validation an acceptance as much as a woman does and she cannot treat it as a one way street.
     
    Squeaky Soul likes this.
  3. Ron B

    Ron B Fapstronaut

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    I've shown interest and participated in her hobbies. I traveled out-of-state with her to run in a marathon with her and we're registered for another one in a month. I would like it if she participated in mine, but I've come to accept that she doesn't like it. It's more niche and male-centric.
     
  4. Solitude

    Solitude Fapstronaut

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    Well maybe incorporate some things she likes into your life and surprise her by showing true knowledge and interest? Maybe it's wine or certain authors? I don't know but it's worth a try. Make it seem spontaneous.
     
  5. Ron B

    Ron B Fapstronaut

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    Does anyone's sex drive get weaker before it gets better when rebooting? Recently, I can't seem to get an erection without significant help from my girl. Our relationship is getting weird.
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2015
  6. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    Ron:

    From what you wrote, I'm wondering if your relationship with this girl isn't very well founded. What would your relationship with her be like if you weren't having sex with her?

    When a couple isn't having sex -- by design -- it forces them to deal with other issues; and it forces them to get to know each other in other ways. There are lots of ways to be intimate with someone, sex is just one (very powerful and pleasurable) way. My opinion is that a really good relationship needs all those forms of intimacy, not just one.

    After all, if you have a future with this girl -- let's say you get married -- there will come a time when the sex isn't that great or dominant. You may find you don't often have sex. What will be the glue to hold the relationship together then?
     
    Ron B and dsareph like this.
  7. I'd drop it personally man. A real, solid relationship is when you wholeheartedly support each other's hobbies and what not... Trust me, had my share of relationships with women who only cared about their impulses and it left me with less than when I entered. Especially if you feel hurt or bad when a thought of her comes up, drop it.
     
  8. Ron B

    Ron B Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for taking the time to respond. I think the relationship is well-founded. We have more than a physical attraction. But I sometimes feel like she treats it as a one-way street, as @Solitude said. I feel I've put in more effort into the relationship and displays of affection.
    I may let it peter out. I intend to take the job out-of-state. She doesn't do long-distance well, and I'm bothered that she thinks we're not strong enough to last it (self-fulfilling prophecy?); but I suppose on the other hand she's bothered that I am not compelled to stay in-state for her.
    Most of the year we've been really happy together. But in the last few weeks, there's been this dark cloud over her. She's upset over the idea of me leaving to take the job, and the porn/low sex drive compounds that.
     
  9. dsareph

    dsareph Guest

    Been there, though I never had the smarts to actually open up about my porn usage. It sucks that it makes her upset, but you need to communicate everything that you've said here to her.

    Sit her down and tell her just how addictive and destructive porn is for our whole generation, that it's a really big issue and not something you overcome In a few weeks. That the quality of your sex life is dependent on this reboot, and that it's going to be a very bumpy road. Tell her it concerns you that she doesn't believe you can manage the long distance but that you're still willing to try.

    Then let her speak. Ask her about her fears, her concerns and her feelings. Once you two have opened up to each other about what's really bugging you, see what it's going to take to work it out. Write down 3 things each of you is going to need if the relationship is going to survive.

    If you can make it happen, awesome. If you can't, then at least you tried. If you really care about this girl, she deserves to have this relationship end up front for a good reason, not taper off while you're out of state. It's not an easy position that you're in and I wish you the best of luck with it.
     
    Ron B likes this.
  10. Ron B

    Ron B Fapstronaut

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    After my post on Wednesday, I was feeling a bit indifferent toward her; I didn't call on Friday when I usually call every day (although this was partially because my phone died and I was in a bad mood and it was late when I got it back up; we didn't talk until late Saturday, when I found out she had tried calling me when my phone was dead, which was nice). I thought I might not enjoy our date Sunday evening, but I felt it all when again when I saw her. We had a good time, and had sex at the end with a minimum of help.
    Then Monday we had a mostly good evening, until I wouldn't get hard. Alcohol could be another factor. I wasn't drunk, but I had, I think, 4 beers and she had a beer and a wine. Usually she gets really horny after a glass of wine, but recently she gets bitter. And she's very sensitive, she would get mad if I tell her something like the way she's acting is turning me off.
    I remember how it was at its best, and I don't feel like anything has changed fundamentally, but the job prospect and rebooting thing kind of hit her at the same time, and she seems to act differently toward me since then. I got a nice "I love you" text today, but it still feels like we're on the edge of breaking up. I can't help feeling like there's a gun to my head every time we do it. I also feel like she could be just trying to get as much sex from me as possible before breaking up with me when I take the job (she's complimented my ability before, and she basically won't allow me not to have sex while rebooting).
    Just some more thoughts. Thanks for the feedback @dsareph, and @Septimus. I'll try to bring these up when I call her today.
     
  11. Ron B

    Ron B Fapstronaut

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    We broke up. We determined the love we have isn't enough. I chose the out-of-state job over her, and she didn't think I was doing enough to fix my sexual problems.

    Looks like I joined NoFap at the right time, since I'm starting hard mode now. I'll start a journal tonight or tomorrow.
     
    zero01 and dsareph like this.
  12. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    Ron:

    That's rough. I'm sorry for your trouble. I hope I can help with your reboot.
     
  13. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I am sorry to hear that @Ron B.

    Good luck with your reboot.
     
  14. dsareph

    dsareph Guest

    Sorry things went that way. At least you have closure, and now you can move on with your romantic life (though you're definitely gonna want to take a healthy break). There's no better time to start a reboot.

    Best of luck to you moving forward.
     
  15. Ron B

    Ron B Fapstronaut

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    I saw her at a party the other night. I wrote about it in my log. I would appreciate it if some of you guys who responded before could check it out, and maybe follow my log. The link is in my signature or here.
     
  16. Ron B

    Ron B Fapstronaut

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    Wrote about her again. The post may be more relevant for this thread/subforum, so reposting here.

    My ex and I talked on Thursday; I think the tone made it clear that we still wanted each other. I previously thought the ED may have been 50% of the breakup and the new job was 50%; Now I think my relocating is 80% or more. We didn't even talk about the former in person, and I think she's over the porn. I think I did well explaining my side and what I wanted from her. We're still broken up. I think there is more I can say. I listened to her issues with me, and I could acknowledge or address them more. I've been careful not to burn bridges; I want her back, but only if she makes up with me. I can't really say that to her either, because what would that even mean if she made another effort after I asked her to? I'm afraid she'll see it my way when it's too late.

    I made a road trip to visit housing by my new job. Once I sign the lease and mail the deposit check tomorrow, it's super official I'll be leaving. It will be nice having my own place at last, where lack of privacy is no longer a source of anxiety when having sex. Unfortunately, I think that commitment will be the nail in the coffin for the possibility of her coming back. I wanted more; a love that would follow me to a new place, or could survive long-distance for 5 short months if it were best for both of us.
     

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