The formula that explains this whole thing? (The problem and the solution)

In the summer of 2020, something finally clicked for me. And it set me on a path to finally start experiencing the freedom that I had been desperately wanting for over 20 years.

At that point, I was 37, I had re-confessed to my wife about my porn use, I had filters on all my devices, I was in a weekly group specifically devoted to this struggle, and I was even seeing a certified sexual addiction therapist.

I was doing the work, nearly everything I could think to do.

But I still was struggling.

I would look for ways around the filters. I would find ways to still "scratch the itch." Whenever I was alone, that craving would hit me, and I felt powerless against it.

Then, I heard a formula. I had heard it before in various places, but I had never really applied it to this struggle with porn.

There are different variations of the formula, but here it is:

Your circumstance triggers your thoughts. Your thoughts generate feelings inside you. Your feelings drive your behavior.

Circumstance -> Thoughts -> Feelings -> Actions

I was floored when I realized two things.

Firstly, this formula fit my porn struggle like a glove.

Whenever I was alone (Circumstance) I would toy with the idea of watching porn (Thought). This would generate intense desire and craving (Feeling). I would feel completely powerless against it, and pull up the phone or computer to watch porn (Action).

Seeing this struggle through this formula was a powerful shift for me. It explained what was happening.

Secondly, I realized that I had been focusing on the last part of the formula: how to stop the action. I wanted to stop watching porn. I had honed my energy on how to not do that behavior.

But looking at the formula, what is the cause of the behavior? It's the feeling. It's the desire, the craving, the urge.

The feeling is the true culprit. It's the cause. It's the root.

It finally hit me that I had been barking up the wrong tree. I had been focusing my energy on the wrong thing.

It was like I was trying to get rid of the weeds in my lawn by simply cutting off the top of the weed. The weed is obviously going to grow back. If I want to truly deal with the weed, I absolutely have to deal with the root.

In this struggle, if we want to really experience freedom, we must know how to handle the root. We need to learn how to effectively handle that desire when it hits us.

When this finally clicked for me, and I developed a plan that addressed the feeling and effectively handling it and processing it, (and this is no joke) literally within a few weeks I was experiencing victories I had not experienced in over 20 years.

It was at this point that I finally realized and experienced what real, lasting freedom could feel like.

I'll post more in the days ahead about the plan I actually implemented, but I wanted to share this formula with you, because it literally changed my life, and maybe it will be helpful for you as you journey towards freedom!

Glad to be here,
Dan

 

Thanks, IR254, that's an interesting variation of this formula!

In my own experience, the key and game changer that led to my own freedom was the realization that the feeling (the desire, the craving, the urge) is the direct cause of the behavior that I'm wanting to be free from. And if that's the case, if I can effectively handle and resolve that feeling, then I won't have to do the behavior.

That's a good point that cues can be a variety of things. Lots of things can trigger that desire, and there are things we can do to reduce the times that we feel that craving (think about the circumstances we put ourselves in, consider what apps and social media we're consuming, consider using filters, etc.). Appreciate your observations!