Marriage issues while trying to reboot

I hope so. It's usually a roller coaster with us. But it's a good start.

 

So last night my wife initiated sex. After I was already asleep she came in and was wearing my favorite pajamas she wears. I just kinda went with it knowing that I just need to be aware of my triggers after. It was great. I felt like we were more in tune with each other than we've been in a long time. What's even better is that I haven't had a single urge to look at P. I've been dreaming we could have sex again a bunch today but no compulsive feeling that I need porn. Then this morning my wife texted me saying that she appreciates that I'm quitting and that it makes her want to be so much more intimate with me. Definitely a step in the right direction, but I know that this is a very delicate situation and needs to be handled that way. Please pray for me that I'll continue to not only resit P but also continue to be a better husband overall.

 

Had an argument with my wife yesterday. Pretty routine for us. As a business owner I often bounce my ideas off of her because I enjoy that openness and hearing what she thinks. The problem is she's a quite controlling person. She gets upset when she doesn't get what she wants and this time of year has always been difficult. I decide what upgrades to make for tax deduction purposes and in the end I feel manipulated and controlled by her. If she doesn't like what I'm thinking of doing she yells at me, will call me names, withholds affection, and stonewalls me. She seems content with that as an outcome. Though when I have a deadline for making a decision this has added lots of stress to me. Do I do what I think is best? Or do I capitulate to my spouse who doesn't work in the business? This is extremely stressful for me. My father is also a very opinionated person and isn't receptive to my ideas very often he is still active in the business but the management role is mine. I try to please both of them too much. I think in this way I need to work on being more resolute and confident of my instinct.

Basically, I brought up an idea my wife didn't like and started yelling at me and telling me why it was a bad idea. At that point I usually can't get another word in and she cuts me out of the conversation and just keeps rambling on with all I do wrong. I did reciprocate and yelled back saying that it's my business and my decision. (I intended this to mean that I will consider her concerns but that I ultimately get to make the decision, though that is not how it came out). This made the argument worse as it always does. I was accused of being a tyrant and that I was the controlling one. (To be fair to me and this post this is about a utility trailer for hauling small equipment. I plan to get one slightly bigger than she thinks is necessary but I think it's exactly what is needed) I can think of a hundred arguments that are very similar to this one since before we were married. It was something that I almost called the wedding off over. I think I feared the change and the judgement I would get from having a failed engagement. (Nice Guy Syndrome!) Again I do truly love my wife but this issue is one I've struggled with. It really stresses me out and it's probably one of my main problems with my marriage that I've used PMO to cope with.

My wife and I have made amends to a certain degree. Unfortunately the apologies are very much one sided. She will withhold sex and any kind of affection until I ultimately cave and once I do she doesn't apologize for much. What has always happened in the past is I get resentful that she ignores my feelings and manipulates me. Rather than let that drag on for weeks I resort to PMO as a way to let that frustration out.

The good news is through this I haven't resorted to PMO this time. It has been my biggest challenge to date. I do think I was able to establish a boundary though. *** I will always be open and honest with her about what I'm doing in my business and even though she isn't an active member I pledged my belongings to her in marriage so she has the right to know anything she wants to. However since I am the decision maker I ultimately make that decision and she must trust that I'm doing so with her wellbeing in mind. ***

20 Days of Nofap!

 

So I'm back to square 1.. starting over. Man I've had a rough few weeks. Winter storms working in agriculture has been really hard. Haven't taken a day off other than Christmas in a month. Christmas in some ways is just as or more work emotionally than working with cattle sometimes!

I've told my wife about my relapses. She was upset but seemed very patient with me and thanked me for the honesty. I expressed my feelings some and what went on. She didn't really empathize but did seem to forgive to a degree. She's very stressed as well. We've talked about couples counseling but again I really want to focus on my PMO issue first.

Here was my trigger that I have not specifically expressed to my wife yet. For some random reason my wife brought up a sexual act that she did with her ex. It is something I've never really been interested in but it just set me off, I didn't outwardly react to her in any way. It's not the act or even the fact that she said she didn't like it, it was the fact that she's done something with someone else that would be typically off limits for me that bothers me. She even said how satisfied she is with our sex life compared to ex's. I'm not even really sure why it bothered me so much because it's not something I'd really want to do either. I think it's the fact that it's so similar to other situations where it's seemed like there's a different "rule" for me than for ex's. Anyway that caused me to search for a way to look for that intimacy elsewhere and P was a great place to find it I guess. I found those acts and imagined that was me. Anyway it was just a weird feeling and I didn't feel good afterwards. Since then I really just sunk back into the same rut of regular PMO use that I always had. But I'm ready to start back up and start healing.

I'm Really trying to just delve deeper into why I have this feeling of inferiority to others in this way. I know for one I crave an experimental intimacy with my wife and she's not that way at all. but was with others. It just hurts me when I know things like what she told me. With that said I do think during my reboot that she was more open then she's been in a long time to trying new things in the bedroom which I enjoyed but I don't think I am really able to fully enjoy the experience when I'm constantly comparing my experience with someone else. It's very apparent I need to heal and process my issues around this feeling of inferiority before I will really be able to handle it properly.

 

Hey all,

Thought I'd give an update of my reboot.

I really screwed up over the holidays and relapsed for a good week or so that I posted about. But since I've been doing great again. Just recently I have started having pretty strong urges to want to go to PMO. One most definitely was that a week ago my wife told me during the day that she was going to give me oral that night. Then the typical busy life got in the way and she was too tired, said she'd get make it up to me tomorrow... that day passed and so on. Been about a week now and I have to say I've been freaking triggered! Before that the previous week or so I wasn't triggered at all and we had sex a couple times. So many times when I'm edging I've though you know what's the big deal if I MO? Essentially she's just jerking me off for me? If she's to tired what's the big deal? Definitely have been dealing with that internal struggle this week. And I do think it may support the idea of hard mode if I were to fail.

I don't have any intentions of relapsing, but it sure has made me again think about a hard reboot maybe being worth it. My mindset currently is just to not worry about the fact that she didn't follow through and force myself to not let it bother me. But up until now I've been allowing it to bother me quite a bit.

 

Yea after my initial relapse that's kinda what I did. Then I feel back into PMO for a few days. Idk just not really wanting to open that door yet. I think I'd be much safer doing something like that if I wasn't craving it so bad. And at this point I definitely am.

 

Oh man it's happened to me a bunch. Lol

 

I've never thought to think the unfulfilled bj promise was something to feel blessed about but I'll sure try! Just need to keep it from bothering me. *Sigh*