Relapse as a process, not an event

Today could have been day 51 no porn, no masturbation. Instead I relapsed two days ago.

But the relapse actually began happening two weeks ago. I was in a charity shop and I got a buzz out of feeling some womens clothes. I bought two items, wore them and then hid them away.

That series of actions led to more thinking - about the clothes. Wearing them again led to more desires, for other things. Looking online for similar, dreaming of wearing those things.

So when I went back to the shop I was living in hope that the two things I saw last time but regretted not buying would still be there. I decided at that point that i would use the money for some things i saw for good things and that i would do that going forward.

And then on Thursday I made time to go back. I had been dreaming so much that i desperately wanted something. I made a snap decision, bought two things, and went home.

Two weeks ago that decision to feel some clothes started a process that led to very strong desires which i couldn't control anymore. I managed to contain them when my wife was at home but i knew heart on hearts that as soon as she would leave for a dinner that i was going to dress up.

I had no desire or energy to fight against it. All i wanted was to do this thing.

I dressed, then went to soft porn and grinded. Then went to hard porn and masturbated and orgasmed. I did the same the next afternoon (friday).

In this episode of Porn Free Radio Matt Dobscheuz talks about his rules for living porn free. He talks about relapse not being an event but a process. What happened on thursday was the end result of what started two weeks ago.

There were other things contributing to it as well. Exhaustion from my course (postgrad student) and work, an argument with my wife and my inner reliance on her for connection and meaning (gonna work on that). But that decision in the shop led to increased desire - and that desire combined with opportunity gave me no chance of being free to choose the right way.

I'm going to work on a plan of attact, and I'm returning to my journal with a focus on markers of health. Y'know, like what am i doing to keep healthy, not just what am i doing to avoid temptation.