Is this why I haven't had a Girlfriend?

I think it might depend on the type of relationship you have with these girls beforehand.

Are you currently friends and hoping to be more with them? Or are you and acquaintance of some sort (co-worker, classmate, etc) and texting her with the full intention on asking her out?

I would also ask, was the goofy message sent as part of the conversation or something you just sent out of the blue, hoping to talk to her?

 

My opinion, if you are already friends with them, then just ask them out. It might suck if they say no and they don't look at you in that way, but trust me it's better to know and move on then to keep wondering.

 

It's hard to give advice about specific situations and relationships. Without knowing all the context of these relationships, idk exactly what would be the "right" solution here, especially since so many determinants of relationships are kinda subconscious.

However, if your dating strategy isn't working for you, you gotta change it up. Maybe it's your goofy texts, maybe it's something else. Girls definitely like goofy guys, but not all the time and not in certain circumstances, so maybe it's not your personality but more the timing and interactions' vibe. For a long time I used to be very quickly responsive to messages from girls on dating apps, snapchat, and texting, but I always struck out and things never progressed. Once I started waiting to respond, sometimes taking hours or whole days to get back, my results were much better. Girls obviously like attentive guys, but at that point in the relationships it wasn't seen as attractive. It didn't make a lot of sense to me, but it is how it is, and I wouldn't have figured that out if I hadn't shaken things up.

My point is: if you're striking out, change things up. Maybe your goofy jokes are the best thing you got going and something else is fucking things up, maybe girls fucking hate the jokes. Idk. They're an enigma haha. Luckily there is a lot of them though, so be scientific about seeing what strategies work and what don't. Guys who have "success" with girls, whether it's with finding "the one" or sleeping with a new girl every weekend, make their decisions based off gut instinct, not what their friends say or what some PUA on Youtube says. Try shit out and go with what works, don't beat yourself up about things that don't work out or opportunities missed.

 

If all you’re sending is goofy texts all the time, yes it will probably turn girls off. Conversation is about engaging the other person and creating a flow.

Most girls appreciate a guy who occasionally self-deprecated and isn’t too serious about himself, but they like a level of confidence as well.

Also, text is really a shitty medium for long term deep conversation. It works better as a starting point or way to send quick messages. Use the PHONE app to actually call some of these girls if you get to that point.

 

Treat text as short message only when possible. You lose too much context and cue with it otherwise. It’s also easier IMO to carry a conversation on the phone. Either way don’t spend the whole of it making fun of yourself.

 

Do you have any theories on why this is the case? In my mind, it makes sense to respond right when I get a text message. I view at as the decent and respectful thing to do. That's what I do when interacting with a male friend and there is a mutual respect between us, there is no problem at all for texting right away.

I wonder why girls view texting back quickly as unattractive... it doesn't make sense logically, at least I don't think it does. But maybe my logic is off?

 

This is actually true. I remember reading Doc Love's The System where he would advice to call the girl you met and asked for a number one week after you got her number.

Think about it this way. You meet an attractive girl at a bar or any public place, she obviously attracts attention from other males as well. So you are in a competition marketplace so to speak. Who is she going to think about the most? The guy she met yesterday and gave him her number and he called her first thing in the morning, or the other guy who she also gave her number to but he haven’t called yet. Girls tend to loose interest in guys who are not a puzzle for them. Do not give away all the information about yourself when dating a girl, be kind of mysterious man. She is going to try to solve you and that will cause her thinking of you more therefore increasing her interest in you.

 

My theory is that when you text back right away, whether this is a girl you just met or your girlfriend of many years, you are signaling "this is a very important priority for me, I'm going to stop whatever I'm doing and handle this". If you barely know her and she's already at the top of your priority list, you probably don't have a lot of interesting things in your life or responsibilities to handle, and that's not very attractive. There's also probably some aspect of being "teased" with your attention that plays into this, but I've found that if you talk with women, especially over social media and dating apps, as secondary or tertiary importances in your life, they saw me as more attractive.

I set "rules" for myself when talking to girls on dating apps and through social media, especially in the stages where we aren't exclusive.

For dating apps:

1. I would only message, and really only look at the app, after dinner time, so from 7-8 to whenever I went to bed. Turned off notifications, did not respond during the day.
2. I would not message on Fridays, Saturdays, and days where I'm doing a social activity at night.

For social media (Snapchat, Instagram) and texting:

1. I would respond at a minimum in half the time they took to respond to my last message, but no more than the amount of time they took to message me. If they took 2 hours to respond, I would not respond before 1 hour but within 2, if they took 1 day, at least 12 hours but not more than a day, etc.
2. If I'm busy, I'm not going to go out of my way to engage, they can wait, unless they ask something time sensitive or something that might make them anxious if I wait very long (like they asked me out I'm not gonna leave em hanging for hella long)
3. If I send 3 unique messages with no response then I assume they will talk to me if they want, otherwise the relationship is over, I will not reach out again.

I didn't arbitrarily make these up, they kinda developed over time and worked best. They also weren't to maximize my "attractability", they were to eliminate unhealthy choices I was making.

I only messaged after dinner because I would spend the whole day on the app and get nothing done. I stopped messaging on weekends and when doing fun shit because I wasn't in the moment when I could have been having fun with my buds AND I was deciding to spend nights in on the dating app instead of initiating social events. I started waiting to respond to texts because I have school and work to do and I can't be texting girls all the time. I stopped messaging girls when they don't want to talk to me because that's fucking weird.

I did these to be healthy and improve my lifestyle, and they actually ended up making me seem more attractive. I don't know if this will work for everyone or if other things I changed in my lifestyle were the key, but I can guarantee that if you stop using all your time/energy on dating apps and talking to girls, focus on the important things in your life (while leaving room for dating), and look at the feedback your getting in all areas of your life, you're going to be more fulfilled and find better people around you.

 

Thanks a lot for the response, appreciate it. All great advice and makes a lot of sense

 

This is a popular theory that is completely false. Giving importance to someone does not mean forgetting yourself. You can do both. Personally, I'm not going to shy away from responding directly to a woman if I feel like it. It doesn't mean that I'm needy or that I don't respect myself.

Let's stop intellectualizing everything. That's what's repulsive for a woman. I often respond directly to women who interest me because they interest me. I don't have to prove anything to this woman. I don't need to show her how perfect my lifestyle is. That's what being insecure is all about

 

Again, this is bullshit. Women. And I'm talking about women who feel good about themselves and are not toxic, want communication. They like men who express what they want and what they like. Not the other way around.
When I’m talking to a girl I say literrally everything. I don’t hide anything. I’m just myself.
That's what's attractive. Showing up fully as you are in a world that tells you to do the opposite. Not being "mysterious". You're not in a James Bond movie dude.

Stop reading books guys and go talk to women in your real life, you will see what they like and what’s repulsive. You don't have to be a light to understand that being mysterious leads to a relationship ending. Or not to start because you don't express what you want. This is as true in person as it is in messages. Do you think a woman interested in you expects you to be mysterious with her? She's waiting to spend time with you, to hear about your world. That’s it.


But I know what makes you say all this. It's your ego as a guy who wants to be superior and be more masculine. Because you don't feel good enough as it is. Probably because of past traumas and insecurities. But it’s definitely possible to heal

 

These messages are not meant to blame you. You'll probably take this as a personal attack but it's not. It's time to adopt healthier behaviors with women guys, if you want to have relationships

Oh and that stuff about getting results. Don't be surprised if you don't connect with women if you take them as ways to get results to boost your ego.

 

No problem mate, I like what you have to say and agree to a certain degree. No worries, I am not easily offended.
I see you have vast experience with women, loving your insights. We are here to help each other so I am glad you are here among us.

From my point of view there is no golden rule how to impress a female as they are all different. I do not fall for the dating coaches BS and have only read one advice-for-dating book in my life, 10 years ago from Doc Love. The book itself is full of very good advices how to spot the right woman and possibly end up in a happy lasting marriage - something that few dating coaches concentrate on.

 

For me, when I'm in a flatline, my thoughts go inward and insecurities shows up. When I've been healed, you don't think about yourself so much. You focus on your career, your crush etc. you might have some insecurities, most of us do, but they won't have as much power.

 

Yeah I could be totally wrong, if there's any advice about having success in forming relationships with women, the best thing for anyone to do is to stop listening to randos like me and just get out there and try shit out.

I limit my time given to women I'm romantically interested in not because they're below me or to seem a certain way, it's just healthier to keep all relationships of my life in moderation. I'm not gonna play some sort of attention game with girls, but I'm also not gonna interrupt my rhythm at work or school to respond to messages. It's just not healthy and productive for me, that's why I set limits. I do the same thing for other relationships. If my buddies are sending memes in the gc while I'm writing a paper, I'm going to hold off and focus on what I need to do. It'd be the same with a girl on a dating app. Ofc I want to talk to her, but it's not healthy if I always drop what I'm doing when she messages.

Additionally, the "rush" of Tinder messages and snapchats was also unhealthy and kinda mimicked aspects of my porn addiction, so that was another reason to not engage as much.

Bottom line for me though: I try to keep areas of my life moderated so none outbalance the others, and when my dating strategies aren't going well, I switch things up. Everything is gonna depend on the specific circumstance, but trying out new shit when the old isn't working and making sure all parts of your life are healthy and functional will help you develop sustainable habits.