Struggling to carry on

So now stats aren't credible? You can't have it both ways.

You tired using unfounded data to make it look like most men are pigs and leave whenever they want. This is not true.

I made my point. Sorry Herb.


Herb,

The fact that you feel so much guilt shows that you are NOT a bad guy! Yes this P addiction needs to be fixed and yes it is hurting yourself and your wife.

But it is not all hopeless. After years of trying to stop without any real strategies I find on here many men who are having success have great advice.

For me personally I found the 7 to 10 day mark to be hard to surpass before I started identifing my triggers for craving porn. Since I have done that I haven't had any issues passing the 14 day mark multiple times. The issues still come up and trigger me but when I know what they are I can recognize them and use my rational part of my brain instead of my reactionary brain. I highly suggest taking some time to think about this and write them down. Feel free to share them here! Once you indentify your triggers you will be able to work on responding to them in healthy ways!

Keep your head up!

 

I was not trying to make most men look like pigs. This forum does that all on its own. Stats can be very credible but you cannot dismiss anecdotal just because they don’t line up with stats. You posted what men List as their reasons to leave, not a study showing why men leave( which can be hard to determine because people lie!) The health care industry might argue differently. Do you know what they counseled both my mother and my sil on when they were diagnosed with cancer? How to prepare for death and for your husband leaving, yup again only anecdotal, but interesting they didn’t counsel my fil when he got brain cancer or father on that when he got chronically ill. Whereas it was big part of the counseling process for both mother and sister in law. I also pointed out that the vast majority of women are the ones who initiate divorce, was I trying to make them look like pigs too? But you didn’t address that ? No, you ignored that and just latched on to thinking I was trying to make men look like pigs.

 

Psalm27, may I ask you to clarify what your point is?

In the study you posted, men don't have the opportunity to lie about the cause of divorce because they are not asked. Cold facts: 20% of men initiate divorce when their partner is undergoing cancer treatment. Put another way, most men stay with their partner.

If there are other studies that support your assertion, bring them here, but it's unrealistic to ask us to stick with your personal experience over a statistic that is based on cold facts.

If faced with an illness a couple separates, chances are the man was the one who initiated the separation. If that's your point, it's based. But I fail to see why is that relevant to this thread. So again:

Can you clarify what your point is?

 

The first article I posted last referred to a Penn State University study. So Yes I did refer to actual studies.

The second is from interviews of psycholists and therapists.

My wife is a DNP student in her last year. I asked her about this. She said this is nothing she's heard brought up that providers must prepare women for that.

The problem with anecdotal evidence is that there is too much room for bias. You can use it to suggest something. But that is not what you did! You claimed the stats supported your view that a majority of men leave when faced with cancer/MS.

 

I did not address this because it's not relevant to the point I'm making. And to be clear I don't think women are pigs for initiating divorce I have never suggested anything of the sort.

I did not connect your suggestion of women because it's not what you said. You specifically pointed out though how most men will leave for in my opinion really messed up reasons.

 

No, but you accused me of trying to make men look like pigs. I did not. Instead of majority of men I should’ve said men are more likely to leave THAN women when illness is prevalent. Why you think that’s so horrible, is a bit confusing. I have greater respect for someone who leaves the relationship because they can’t handle an illness or other issues than someone who runs off and hides a secret porn addiction jacking off in the bathroom. At least the first guy doesn’t try and lie about being able to stay and give the relationship what it needs.

 

Men rarely leave in comparison to women except for illness and infidelity ( my opinion).

 

You don't see how this comment could be taken that you meant most men leave for horrible reasons?

"Most men won't even stick around...". That suggests that men are as I put it pigs. I'm not saying you specifically said that. Though how things are said most definitely matters. The way it's worded suggests a majority of men leave for this reason. Again not true and should be corrected!

If you didn't mean what you said or how I'm interpreting them say so. Don't feel the need to keep pushing the same point. Especially when asked to support them. Just clarify.

We are here to help each other. Are you sure pointing what you did (Besides the fact that it's unfounded). Is really helping those looking for support?

 

No it does not suggest most men are pigs. You said that.

 

please clairfy what it means?

 

You may see it as a horrible reason, I can think of far worse things he might do to his marriage and his wife. It’s the open forum, if it’s not helpful you/he/anyone can scroll past.

 

I think I've made my point. Most men in fact do not leave in the situations talked about above. And yes it is a horrible reason by itself to leave. "In sickness and in Health" Just as important as "Forsaking all others" I think we are all in agreement here. I'm secure enough to admit my faults in such areas. What you said was unbased and you need to think about that before posting if you want others to trust your credibility.

 

Ok

 

Okay, let's get back to the original topic.

Herb, you've got to find a reason to do this for you. Doing this for someone else or for the relationship are noble reasons. But it's not going to be enough. You've got to find some intrinsic motivation to get better for yourself.

When I see things from your wife's perspective. I see someone that wants desperately for this relationship to succeed. This relationship that she has with you is one of the most significant things in her life. She does not want to lose that. If she didn't value this relationship, she wouldn't be so upset and hurt by your acting out.

She would hate to start over. Starting a new relationship would be a last resort for her. That would be horrible in her eyes. Her greatest desire and option would be to fix the existing relationship that she currently has with you.

 

This!

 

Very good advice! Herb check this video out. I made a thread on it today but thought I'd share it here for you.

 

I'm not saying that I'm "rare," but my wife had a sexting addiction, as well as an affair, both of which she she lied about, as well as a long term medical diagnosis (cancer) and I stuck around. I have my own addiction (or I wouldn't be here) which I have lied about over the years. The two addictions aren't related but maybe we there was something we subconsciously understood in each other at the beginning. We've actually talked about this. I still have lingering resentments and doubts about her addiction, and she has been seriously traumatized by mine. I'm working my path and she hers. I don't want to lose her, but will definitely understand if she decides to leave.

 

This also is definitely my experience.

 

I think it rare for both men and women to stay in a marriage with addiction and or on going infidelity. I’m pretty sure my husband would stay for a one time affair but not on going. I think if I had an affair it would assuage some of his guilt. I no longer buy into people divorce because they don’t try hard enough. Sometimes I think people stay too long trying to make it work until they hate each other.