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there is only now

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Deleted Account, Jan 22, 2023.

  1. change of mind happens gradually, but there needs to be persistent practice; getting used to new health problems and associated pain, it's all part of constant change, old urges must recede, they are no longer part of a solution, they have become part of the problem
     
  2. Sam_ba

    Sam_ba Fapstronaut

    Impermanence +++
    A wonderful dharma door

    stay strong
     
    Icewarrior likes this.
  3. there is pleasure in contemplation; seeking pleasure through the physical senses is eventually a dead end road; once I am obsessed with this body of sensation, then I rely on it and on it alone...however at the same time I am missing the deeper awareness of existence, of life, the color of my thoughts is the color of my soul; thoughtlessness allows total awreness; what is good or bad? does Nature recognize these judgment values? I must remind myself constantly that my "default" mode is simply conditioning; oh, there are countless "methods" of battling compulsions and addictions....but I wonder if battling is the solution, I wonder if acceptance is a state which allows the thoughts and sensations to simply be experienced without acting on them, wow, without acting on them? Isn't this society driven by action? Aren't actors the modern superheroes?
     
  4. Icewarrior

    Icewarrior Fapstronaut

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    Barry Magid when talking about meditation said “the ‘just’ in ‘just sitting’ endlessly goes against the grain of our need to fix, transform, and improve ourselves.”
    I felt this compulsive need in myself during meditation this morning. Well, back to the beginning!
     
    Deepwithin likes this.
  5. yes, and even the value of one's life may hinge on the perceived "accomplishments"; I wonder sometimes if plans of action are the solution to the global woes we have created, I wonder if people would do less, whether non-action may be more effective...allowing Nature to re-claim just a little; my current stride is a bit slower but perhaps I am richer in ways; does each and every breath count?
     
    Icewarrior likes this.
  6. once again familiar images race through my mind as I prepare for the nights journey through the alternating experience of subconscious dreams and waking...these images are losing their power over my will, these images born out of loneliness, longing and desire; deep within I sense a surrender, nothing lasts "forever", what am I surrendering to? vulnerability...is that so threatening? why? the feeling of free falling into the unknown, it used to scare the "shit" out of me; now how does it feel? less frightening at least
     
  7. it seems like I wake to the same thing every morning, but the truth is it's always different; subtle changes happen during a "reboot" or period of abstinence from sexual behavior, even though I may not notice them right away, I am a creature of habit no doubt; this current abstinence period is coinciding with a health problem which has seriously immobilized me, so it's all happening in a seemingly slow and profound way; there is a possibility that the disease I'm experiencing may be linked to my past sexual behavior, namely prostatitis, which I haven't received a definite diagnosis for yet, but so far the tests and symptoms are pointing to it; flare ups can be quite painful...it's one of those things that can be an eye opener at the same time and a realization that certain behaviors should stop or at least change; I don't know what to expect right now so I choose not to expect anything; my approach to pain is changing, and acceptance is so very vital to my sanity currently that I must say: rain down on me
     
  8. when things that were formerly within my control, or what I perceived to be in my control and then suddenly aren't, then what? well, one way of looking at it is there is less to be concerned with and another is that it's a lesson in humility and another is the realization that what I thought I controlled was no better for it; when it comes to compulsive thought and fantasy...is that within my "control"? perhaps the act of dwelling on these thoughts or fantasies, but the initial "onslaught" maybe not...so, when I sense them appearing, then what? I can start a dialogue, I can post on the nofap forum, I can call my accountability buddy, I can step outside and breathe in sub freezing air or I can commit suicide...many options present themselves; but ultimately I must walk through the valley of shadows, I must allow, I must attempt to practice awareness; some say ignorance is bliss, I would say non thinking might be bliss...and when the physical body hurts? when the energy body suffers from blockage? when the spiritual body is in pain? Let go....
     
  9. should we partake in each other's pain? are we connected as brothers on this path to healing? there is so much tied to the health of one's sexuality...relationships and my connection to the natural world; my sexuality is part of my identity as a person, how I move, how I communicate and how I connect to the greater Universe around me; the new "normal" is constant change and transformation; the old "normal" is predictability and the quest for comfort
     
  10. what am I hiding under this guise, under this body of pain? what is to be revealed through the walls of separation? why have I allowed fear and desperation to rule my life? why have I been afraid to feel, to love, to experience the reality of this human existence?
    there is a thread that runs through the dimension of time...what shall I call it? when I am in the act of "finding myself", is it this thread that I seek, and furthermore, is it this thread, this silken thread, that binds all of the quests for truth, for wholeness, for integrity, for peace? I wonder...is the so called "reboot" a step along this pilgrimage?
     
  11. sexual desire...is it born of a quest for wholeness? or is it simply a compliment to the wholeness which already exists within me? which one is more satisfying? which one leaves me wanting more? how is wholeness achieved in me as an individual? the realization that I am not a separate entity but connected on a deep level to all life....
     
  12. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    We all live in the now. So it is time to quit now!
     
    Deepwithin likes this.
  13. sleepless nights and days spent in a daze....that is my current reality; trapped in a body with pain and disease; constant reminder that all of this is only temporary, only one of many experiences along the journey; this body is fading and along with it the urges and the hunger...feed me, consume and devour...satisfy my appetite, appease my cravings and on and on; the cup never filled, the thirst never stilled; give me the giant tit to suck on, give me the sweet taste of mother's milk, the sweet life giving elixir; when did things go wrong? was I deprived when I needed nurture? the neglect turning to rage eventually....oh, this body of pain, when will I be released from it? my desire no longer for the temporal, but for immortality, but first I must die to self, I must die to ignorance and stop living in the illusion; transcend this life into nothingness; I want nothingness
     
  14. I believe food and sex did more harm to my body than anything else; my CT scan showed enlarged prostate and colon; it could be cancer or some other kind of infection but the pain is severe at times; my body is deteriorating, but my mind is hovering and it wants to be set free; is "comfort" the answer? No. Is money the answer? No. Is religion the answer? No. Then what is? There is no answer....there is only the mystery of life
     
  15. there is willpower and there is a natural drive to be creative; there is discipline and there is effortlessness; there is reason and there is philosophical speculation...there is individuality and there is unity; intimacy is vulnerability and sexual union is intimacy, but masturbation can be carried out alone or with another human being; honestly, for me, sex always was a form of masturbation, even when I was with someone, so it was simply less problematic when alone. This is not something that I like to admit but I must for the sake of healing...I short-changed myself and I ruined the sex act for others. Being vulnerable takes courage, it's stepping out on a limb and it's transparency. It's also integrity and laying yourself bare. It's saying: this is who I am with all my faults, all my peculiarities and all my unique characteristics. Hollywood has made the sex act between individuals look like something cheap and unsatisfying. It is probably one of the most Spiritual practices we can engage in with another human. Well, there are many things that I have naively and carelessly done in life and now I see it and I am sorry that I have affected people in this manner, especially my very own wife. Everything we do has consequences and creates ripples. The body keeps the score. Our children keep the score. The whole thing is playing out daily across the planet and on a more subtle level as well. It is what it is and I have set things in motion, just like galactic collisions and spilled coffee...all I can do now is embrace it and welcome the tremors, love and show compassion to myself and others. I don't have to strive anymore, I must let go of the tension, let beauty and terror act out their cosmic game and absorb. It really is fantastic, mysterious and frightening. This thing we call life...
     
    Icewarrior likes this.
  16. Icewarrior

    Icewarrior Fapstronaut

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    Great post! How hard it is to let go of the striving, the struggle, the desire to “improve,” to “transform,” to be “good enough,” to “get rid of,” etc. Tension piled on tension. And yes, hasn’t the act of making love been corrupted to the core?
     
    Deepwithin likes this.
  17. conditioned minds can be difficult to work with, and for me, recent health issues are causing some of this conditioning to be broken; sexual urges are non existent due to bodily pain and fatigue; if I overcome this disease, the challenge will be to stick with sexual abstinence while regaining some measure of health; the way of acceptance and non-strife is the path I wish to follow through this current set of difficult circumstances; my body is sick and my mind is alternating between calm and irritated and depressed. The moment, now is moving continuously to the next frame...and one is never the same as the prior one, even though it may seem like it; vibration, evolution and change happen constantly, so I must allow the movement of the cosmic forces to unfurl within me and without, I am in control of almost nothing really, even sexual urges, but like everything else they come and go; I choose to observe, listen and breathe through everything most of the time now, I will try to embrace things that I am granted; God of the Universe, help me to be humble, kind and benevolent; direct my path with wisdom and fortitude; I am so many things and also only a part of something greater; it feels like I've wasted so much time with trying to satisfy my selfish needs, but the question is whether I will continue to be a slave to desire now? Let us overcome this plague, this ever-present temptation to dull the senses with mere illusion of gratification, to destroy ourselves in the process of engaging in what we perceive to be fulfillment, orgasmic pleasure, leaving us empty, always leaving us drained and empty...now is the time to breathe in life!
     
    born3 likes this.
  18. if I am also part of a greater whole, then I share in the suffering of humanity, I share in the suffering of my neighbor...somehow we are all affected by each other even if I choose to ignore what is happening around me; when I look at an "attractive" woman, do I see her as a human being who also suffers the difficulties of life? flesh and bone, just like myself, hopes and dreams and fears? what causes compulsive sexual thoughts and urges in the first place? some sort of lack, some sort of deprivation, some failure in nurturing...I lament the years; yes, I messed up, and as I lay in bed and reflect rather than medicate myself with self indulgence I wonder, is it too late? Have I crossed the line? I don't know, but I am absorbing a lot right now, and yes, it is overwhelming, but sobering...painful when the rust gets removed, painful without the constant hormonal overload, but it's time to face it, it's time to repent, it's time to let go of the safety line, face truth, face life in it's rawest form, the pure energy body
     
    Icewarrior likes this.
  19. I want to dream, dream, dream....waking to "reality" is not something I look forward to anymore, but must accept. The old romantic in me is surfacing in my subconscious dreams once again. My sex organs have become numbed by pain from my sciatic nerve and acute colonitis. I am bed ridden much of the time and I am losing physical strength. My home gym hasn't been used in a month, my bikes are sitting there, my swim gear hanging there. I feel like I'm wasting away....is this what it's going to take? My physical body deteriorating in order to put a final lid on my sex addiction? I used to attend Aa meetings and announce that I am an alcoholic, but actually I am and have been most of my life a sexaholic, sex has occupied my thoughts like a madman. Yes, I have been a compulsive, deranged madman, and now what am I? Now I am miserable, but I embracing, or rather succumbing to the misery and at the same time the wonders of existence. Misery is driving me home. Back to the womb, the primordial cave, the Earth, the Great Mother, where dreams keep me captivated and longing for the utimate Cosmic trip back to the source, pure consciousness, God. If fate allows me to heal once again, I have no choice but live for eternity, to devote any physical abilities that I may regain to universal relief of ignorance, of violence, of greed and senseless exploitation. May God grant me deliverance from the tethers to this "reality". May God grant me the strength to carry this body of pain around a few more years to use it as a vehicle for healing energy.
     
  20. there is so much to consider when rebooting...how have I treated those people closest to me? have I been a manipulator? how has my secrecy about my "hidden" sex life affected people I love? when it comes to relationships, are there amends that I need to make? have I been ignorant of the world around me? right now, I think there are two places where I could see myself living out the rest of my earthly life: a monastery or a lunatic asylum. Both have characteristics which would possibly be beneficial, both are separated from conventional life and both may allow long periods of reflection. There is a process for everything, and 4 decades of sex addiction leaves scars and consequences. For one thing, I realized today I am still that lost twenty year old kid, still a dreamer, still a romantic, still a Generation X flunky. But things are turning gray, and the body hurts. Where is the line between reality and imagination? Is there one? The porn world sure has blurred it, the enormous range of "fetishes" are played out endlessly to "satisfy" the most exotic and disturbing psychological phenomena, the human flesh becoming slave to the mind's dungeon of despair. What is the alternative? Creating healthy energy flow. Instead of directing energy downward through the sex organs and obsessing with sexual thoughts, we can direct the energy upwards through the spine and eventually with practice towards the crown chakra..it's all practice really...fapping is practice, navigating porn sites is practice, fantasizing is a form of practice. Rather than fantasy, how about visualization? How about practicing using a mantra for meditation? How about practicing letting go of thoughts altogether?
     

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