Memoires of 24-year-old that survived a suicide attempt

This too shall pass

I have not been active on the NoFap forum for a while. Someone sent me a message and I got a notification in my email, so I visited the forum again. After a while I started to read the paragraph above about me being heartbroken, suicidal, addicted and depressed. To be honest, it is not all rainbows and sunshine right now, but I have found a way. Firstly, being heartbroken. I still miss her, but I hate her. The hate I feel is my fuel to work hard during my day job, to hustle for my business afterwards, and to grind that last rep out in the gym at night. Now I understand that being dumped, and heartbroken is crucial in a journey to become a man. Because whatever this bad experience might be, you have to reflect, and you have to become better. Trust me bro, I will grind my ass of, become what I want to be, find a better girl. And the best thing is, in a year, 2 years, 4 years, she is going to realize she will never find someone better than me. I know she will reach out to me one day; and on that day I will pretend she is dead. On that day, I know I won.

Since my full-time job in online marketing, I have found a new sense of purpose. I am learning so much on a daily basis and I really am productive during the day. I am so fired up and busy, I do not have time to be sad anymore. In the evening I am grinding for my own online marketing agency and a e-commerce business.

Also, the drug addiction is sleeping now. I have not used any kind of drug for over a month now; even though I had cocaine in my room, but I recently threw it away. Nonetheless, I still smoke a shitload of cigarettes, I really have to stop doing that because I look 40 years old.

Which brings me to the point: whatever you are going through, whether it is depression, suicidal thoughts, a breakup, getting fired, being bullied whatever, it will fade. Always remember: This too shall pass, this too shall pass…

 

If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles

Recently, I found out something about my femdom-addiction which I though would be quite interesting to post. I have been struggling a lot with my addiction lately, so I have decided to become more active once again.

For the past years, I developed a new variation of femdom. I reach out to people on certain BDSM-websites and I offer to clean their house. This stems from all the servitude-related content I watched for years. However, when I clean my own room, I do not get aroused at all. From that knowledge, we can conclude it is not the ‘cleaning’-part, but the humiliation-part of cleaning someone else’s house.

However, it appears to be more than that. Last year I started tracking my relapses and my mistakes with the intention to learn from them on the long run. By doing this, I figured out the behavior I just described, always occurs in weeks when I feel bored and hopeless. For example, I got a week off between my internship and minor in college. On weeks when I do not work, I feel scared for the future and hopeless. My reaction? Reach out to people to become their cleaning-slave.

Therefor, I think it not only about my sexuality, but also a form of escapism. Femdom, and all its aspects has become a way for me to escape life. Femdom is a way to turn down my obligation to become a man.; it is a way for me not to face my responsibilities.

Fortunately, I got a wake-up call on an unexpected place; one of the BDSM- websites. Some 30-year-old pervert wrote the following sentence:
You failed as a man. You are way too weak and insecure and that will never work out. The only options you have left is to become a full-fledged sissy.

This struck me like lightning and got me thinking about myself all day. This week was a disaster. I watched a lot of femdom-content, smoked a lot of weed and ate some shitty food. I few hours ago I packed my stuff and traveled to the country-side. I will go for a long run in the hill tomorrow, followed my a proper lifting session. I will get up boys; I promise.

 

Feeling angry and grumpy

My roommate and I have been living inside the same house for approximately three years now. We have known each other since the beginning of high school and have been friends since the age of 16. However, since a few months I feel a strong feeling of anger whenever I see him. This writing is dedicated to finding the root of that anger.

Whenever our eyes meet I feel a strong urge to do something productive. And that kept me thinking; why is that my natural reaction? He never ever critiqued my work ethic, productivity or whatsoever. On the contrary, he has given me a lot of complements about my self-discipline, body-physique and work ethic. So where does this feeling come from? Could it be a reflection of my own insecurities?

I am not saying he is lazy; but he is not a high-performer either. All he does is watching YouTube all day wearing his bathrobe in his dirty room. In the evening he sometimes joins me and my other roommates for dinner, but mostly he spends time with his girlfriend. In addition to that, he is quite extroverted and loves to small-talk. Possibly it could be the case that what I see in him, is actually a reflection of my own doubts and insecurities.

If you have read this entire thread you know I used to be a lazy-ass stoner that wasted over five years of his live jerking off, watching nonsense and playing videogames. So when I see him, my brain connects that with laziness, which is connected to weakness and depression in my brain. My body’s reaction is: ‘Go to work’. Working hard was the best medicine and painkiller against my depression and was eventually the reason why I got out of it. I can use that feeling to become the man I always wanted to be.

However, I tend to be grumpy towards him; which is not intentionally btw. But where does this feeling come from? I believe the grumpy-behavior is my body’s reaction to protect itself. Let me elaborate that a little; I am quite an introverted person. I enjoy spending time alone reading, working, writing or working on a project. This is because I grew up alone without any siblings along a single mom whom worked her ass off to put food on the table for us. Maybe my roommates extroverted personality is perceived by my brain as a thread, and the only way to protect me is by reacting in a grumpy way. Considering the fact I do not want to be someone like that; I have to live and act more consciously during the day.

My gameplan is to divide my days into focus- and social periods. On the focus moments I will be in a state of deep work and I will make sure no one can bother me. In between those periods I will deliberately look for social-interactions. Because I do need social-interaction and I also do enjoy that. Besides that, I picked up breathwork and cold-showers again to boost my mood. Let’s hope this works.

 

I fixed my erectile disfunction and testosterone levels

It has been almost one year since I experienced one of the most horrible experiences I have ever had with a woman. It was 2 AM, I was laying on top of a girl I loved with all my heart, but my manhood turned as limp as a cooked noodle. I honestly never felt as vulnerable, weak and insecure in my life. It marked the beginning of six months plagued by the dark cloud of erectile dysfunction, depression and addiction.

I always thought my T-levels were okay, because I am in my twenties, I lift 6 days a week, I eat healthy and during PMO I did not experience any problems. Little did I know that my testosterone levels as a 25-year-old were similar to levels of my dad of 55 year old…

So, lets fast-forward six months, this is how my life looked half a year ago: I went to the gym every day to lift weights, I ate chicken, veggies and rice every day and drank only water and coffee during the day. Also, I drank alcohol to make me feel happy, I smoked pot every evening to make me sleep and smoked quite a lot is cigarettes. In the beginning of 2023, I decided to quit my bad habits once again and went cold turkey on all three of them. Fortunately, I succeeded! And I must say, my libido increased significantly because of that, although my testosterone levels remained on the lower side.

· Stop smoking, vaping and pot
· Stop drinking alcohol
· Sleep as much as possible (at the moment I sleep 7 ½ hours a night)

In my quest to understand and address my low testosterone levels, I delved deeper into scientific reports and studies that shed light on the crucial factors influencing hormonal balance. One of the surprising revelations I encountered was the role of cholesterol in testosterone production. Contrary to popular belief, cholesterol plays a vital role in the body's hormone synthesis, including testosterone. It serves as the building block for testosterone production, highlighting the significance of maintaining healthy cholesterol levels. This realization prompted me to reevaluate my diet and make conscious choices to include cholesterol-rich foods such as eggs, butter and steak.

Another crucial aspect I discovered was the profound impact of gut health on hormonal balance, including testosterone levels. The gut microbiome, composed of trillions of bacteria residing in our digestive system, has a remarkable influence on various bodily functions, including hormone regulation. Poor gut health, often due to an imbalanced diet or excessive antibiotic use, can disrupt the delicate hormonal equilibrium, potentially affecting testosterone production. With this newfound understanding, I prioritized nurturing my gut health through the consumption of probiotic-rich foods and fermented products such as kefir, kimchi and sauerkraut.

Additionally, I realized the integral role of thyroid function in maintaining optimal testosterone levels. The thyroid gland produces hormones that regulate metabolism and play a crucial role in overall hormonal balance. An underactive thyroid, known as hypothyroidism, can lead to reduced testosterone production. To support thyroid health, I stopped drinking tap water (even the Dutch tap water sucks) and threw away my toothpaste full of fluoride.

· Eat eggs, steak and butter
· No healthy gut = no healthy nut
· Fluoride = good for your teeth, bad for your 'beef'

My testosterone levels are through the roof, man! I'm talking off-the-charts, Hulk-like levels of raw masculine energy coursing through my veins. At 26 years old, I have found the thing I have been looking for, for the past two years, bursting with unwavering confidence, boundless strength, and an insatiable appetite for life.

· My soldier salutes me every morning
· I have the confidence to date girls again
· I wake up with the energy to conquer the day
· Effort (like work or studying) actually feels good
· I feel like a man and not as a boy trying to look like one

From the initial struggles to the triumph of reclaiming my vitality, I have learned invaluable lessons about the intricate connections between physical and mental well-being. May my journey inspire others to embark on their own paths of self-discovery and embrace the remarkable potential that lies within each of us.

 

@Ank07 @Asgardian36 Thank you for the support boys! Every once in a while I come back to the forum, and you have no idea how messages like that make me feel.

@ReadyToQuit_ I measure mine every three months by the doctor. However, there are also DIY-kits available in the internet, however they are a lot more expensive.

I'll give an overall update in a few hours.

God bless you all.

 

Exactly one year ago, I felt the greatest I ever felt in my life. After everything that happened to me, I climbed my way out of hell. It took me years to climb out of hell. I had the body I always dreamed of, overcame my anxiety and got an amazing internship at a great company, conquered my drugs and alcohol addiction, and met a girl I was convinced we would be together forever. However, then she left me and broke my heart. I wrote this poem back then:

She played with his heart like a girl with her toy;

Leaving him shattered and without any joy.

The pain inside him got out to destroy;

But created a man, while killing the boy.


There is no sun without rain; no joy without pain. Honestly, I was so fxcked up back then. I have wasted an entire summer break feeling miserable, thinking about her, contemplating ways to get her back and slowly killing myself with alcohol, depressing music and cigarettes. I considered myself a hard mf, but what she did that summer made me colder than I ever imagined.

However, I told myself to not let that negative energy go to waste. After the summer break, my internship started. Drinking and smoking are ways to numb the pain, but so does working. I worked my ass off during that internship, knowing that if I just kept on working, sooner or later they would offer me a job. That moment never came.

Now I finally realize that this is not my problem. She lost the best guy she would ever meet. They lost the hardest working loyal employer they would ever encounter. And the only revenge I will get, is to increase my value as a man. And in a few months, or maybe years, they will know that I it was always me.

Luckily, I started an entrepreneurship minor after my internship, which not only made me find my passion and start my own business, but also made me a healthier and happier person again. I honestly do not believe in setbacks anymore; it are just signs for God.

I will dedicate this summer break to three things: my health, my happiness and my business. In September I will start a traineeship at a major marketing consultancy company. If the company where I did my internship simply offered me a job back then, I would have probably worked in the same spot, without realizing the miserable circumstances over there. Everything happens for a reason, my friends. There is a path for everyone.

Right now, a lot of my friends are way ahead of me in life. They have a house, a girlfriend and a stable income. Honestly, that makes me feel sad quite a lot. But I know God has a plan for me, and one day, I will simply laugh about the situation I am in right now.

 

Send me a DM with your situation and I will give you a tailored advice

 

They will never understand how much anger, rage, and violence it took to become this calm.

More is coming...

 

Dear thread, here we are again. Through my rise and fall, you have been my only friend. I used to visit this forum every day to share my thoughts, help people, and to work on my self. Now, I rarely visit this forum. Somehow, I always return to this thread after some time. Currently, my life is like a mask. From the outside, it looks like I have everything in place, but from the inside there is a war going on.

So, I graduated a few months ago, and got the job I dreamed of. The shy, weak boy that I once was is dead, and a confident, strong man has been born. I have a job that I am obsessed about, it also pays well, and the work environment is more than I could ever wish for. I got the sixpack I dreamt of as a boy, my face is slowly transforming from a round potato to a strong broad jawline. I have a good group of boys around me that are ambitious, funny and trustworthy.

I am a mess. I am addicted to drugs again. I smoke weed, not to have fun, but just to sleep and calm my restless mind. I claim to live healthy, but I smoke cigarettes again because of the stress my job gives me. I see a girl, but nobody knows about her… It's not because she is ugly or something, it's because the things we do; the things I wanted to get rid of so badly. I want get into details, because I do not want to harm your streaks.

Writing always makes me feel good. While writing this, I realise I should do this way more often; it feels like I am cleaning my soul by doing it. I am turning almost 27 now... I hate growing older. My mind is at war at this moment in my life. Actually it always has been. It turned me from the sweet, innocent weakling Prince into a warrior. Peace was never an option. Maybe I should try meditate or do breathwork again. It feels like I lost some spiritual guidance lately. Maybe I should try to pray again. I rarely pray these days, but I practise gratitude more after. I remember the days I prayed for the things I have right now.

I now have the opportunity to shape my life into the life I dreamed of. And I will.

 

Sometimes, God gives you a sign; a sign to get your act together and start moving towards the light. As I stated in my previous post, mentally I am not in a good place, and unfortunately (or luckily) I got sick last friday. I never get sick; I have not been sick for years. The only time I get sick is when I am extremely nervous or depressed.

For the last few months, my life has been a constant high. Since I fixed my testosterone problems, which I apparently had since the age of eighteen, I am more confident and decisive than ever before. Because of that, I have literally succeeded in everything I wanted for the last few months. Well, wanted… the devil is inside of me again.

Let me elaborate on that statement. Confession: I have been addicted to femdom all my life. After I broke up with my ex-girlfriend when I was eighteen years old, I never had the guts to put it in practice ever again. My low T-levels definitely made sure of that. But now my testosterone is high, I do have the guts to reach out and talk to every girl; so I did…

Spoiler: Trigger Warning: Do not read this if you are in a vulnerable place regarding femdom.

We met online, and for the past few months, we have been acting out this femdom scenario where I am her slave, and she is my Mistress. She has fed my fantasies and desires, and at times I even felt some affection for her. But over the past few weeks, she is giving me a bad feeling about myself. So I reached out to another girl. We should have met yesterday, but because I got sick and felt bad, I broke all contact with her. I thought the depressing feelings were because of this new girl, but they have not gone away ever since.

That is curious because I have crafted my mind for the last five years into an impenetrable fortress. Ever since my depression and suicide attempt all those years ago, I made sure the devil would never harm me again. Somehow, he did. The last time he succeeded was in the form of another girl; my high school crush I never talked to, beautiful, innocent-looking. We dated for a while, and after a while, the serpent showed its teeth. That’s almost two years ago, and I wrote about my recovery from that heartbreak here. But that’s not what it’s about today. The real question is, how did the devil outwit me this time?

During my life, I have thought about the existence of the devil quite often. The information about the devil in the Bible, Quran, and other holy texts give a description, but I could never fully understand the principle of the devil. A year ago, I discovered this book ‘Outwitting the Devil’ by Napoleon Hill. It’s quite a controversial book that was written in 1938, but the manuscript has been hidden in a fault until 2011 because of its controversial nature. The book is structured as if Hill (Mr. Earthbound) is interviewing the devil himself, and it gives a very vivid description about the devil, how he controls 98% of the world’s population, and how one can outwit him.

Like I said before, I have been sick since Friday, and because of that, I canceled all the plans I had for the weekend, so I had lots of free time. Somehow, I was drawn to ‘Outwitting the Devil’ again, after I read it for the first time one and a half years ago. Reading it reminded me of the tricks the devil uses to control people, and suddenly I realized I was one of his followers again…

What I am about to say may sound crazy, but I stopped caring about other people’s opinions a long time ago. One trick the devil uses to gain control over young people is by having them smoke cigarettes. ‘A need that weakens willpower requires companionship.’ I started smoking again, after I quit for a while, and ever since I got heartbroken, I am addicted to drugs again, indulged in degenerate practices, and so on.

So what to do about this? This weekend of sickness has given me clarity. While writing this, I reminded myself of a quote by Jordan Peterson:

I have been asking that question myself many times this weekend, and the answer is: I need to stop smoking, stop meeting that girl, stop the drugs, and focus on positive things again. I ran through the forest this morning, lifted weights, canceled the date I had with her this afternoon, spent some time in the sunlight, and decided to write this. It’s the first step of me climbing towards the light again.

God Bless.