Recently married seeks support for husbands pmo

From what it sounds like, your husband is trying and really wants to get better. He probably has been running off the high of being honest and seeing some progress. Not to dash your hopes, but now the real work begins. That high will wear off really, really quick. This is a long haul kind of thing. Like months to years.

I've been through many relapses as a guy, even after years of no masturbation to orgasm. Anything less than 90-120 days I think the timeline is very, very short. The brain needs more time to heal than that. Also, in spite of not looking at porn, there might be a lot going on inside, in the thought world. The images are there for a lifetime and you've only got a split second of thought to recall them. It's really the brain itself that's the problem, not the porn. Reprogramming your brain is hard. And even though I'm not viewing porn in the real world, I can be watching it inside my head. That's what's been a major factor in my relapses up until this point. Even though I might only watch porn, or girls in swimsuits, or relive some previous fling without any masturbation, the hit was enough to keep me addicted.

I'd recommend you give it time. Set your time horizon to at least 90 days.

I'd also recommend your husband get an accountability partner because I've found it really challenging to have my wife in that spot. She can't understand what drives me to do it and I need someone that's been there. Someone who understands. Complete honesty with another person who's been where you are is somehow freeing. It doesn't excuse the need for intimacy with you, but it's about feeling understood on a deep level.

He's probably very loathsome to talk about his regression because he sees that you're happy and feels bad destroying that. Guilt is a big part of what can cause a relapse. It's not a good excuse. I've done it though. I hate to see my wife suffer because of my own desires. It sucks because even when you want to change and really want to not hurt the one you love, the compulsion is so strong when it takes hold, all of that can be forgotten. It's like what I imagine a riptide is like, takes you in an instant and you can't fight it.

Finally, I would also recommend taking a look at all contributing factors over the next few months. What I mean by that may not be applicable to your situation, so please take with that in mind. I had some real mental disorders like OCD combined with body image issues. No one knew. My wife didn't even really know, though she saw signs. She just didn't understand them. Only after I started working on those issues and tackling my depression did things start changing. I didn't even know I was depressed btw, and neither did my wife. It was pretty locked up. Might not be something you have to worry about (I hope).

Good luck with the interview!

 

Hugs! So many hugs in your direction!
Don't know what else to say right now. I am feeling the disappointment, sadness, anger, disbelief with you.
You will get through this, though. I believe.

Another hug.
xx

 

I am sorry to hear about this. You actually seem a lot more committed to his recovery than him from what I can see from your various insightful contributions and his scarce presence here. He needs to take stronger steps and realize that this is a tremendous battle. It requires massive determination. All the best to you.

 

Hi DireMerl,

Glad you are here. The fact that you are and that you told your husband about it truly reflects the deep love and commitment you have for him. This is not an easy struggle, but together you will be able to confront it in a stronger way. The bulk of the work is on him however. He MUST be the one willing to carry the load to recovery as you are absolutely correct, this is an addiction like not other. Studies are now beginning to shed real light on the deep impact this issue is having on relationships and people's lives due the imbalances in creates in the brain. You have been given resources to learn more about it. I strongly recommend both of you learn, learn, and learn more about the subject, and adopt strategies to combat this malady. There is hope as over time, with knowledge, strategies, and the necessary commitment and discipline, the brain will reach equilibrium. There is a caveat: IT IS HE HOWEVER, WHO MUST WANT TO PUT IN THE WORK. It's not on your shoulders nor is it your fault or burden to correct it. This is serious business you are dealing with,
but truly there is hope to overcome it.

Blessings to you both in this journey.

 

I was thinking the same thing. DireMeri you seem like you are doing an unbelievable job at supporting your husband. I'm a little disappointed that he didn't come clean to you right away about his relapse. If you didn't have the tracking software was he just not doing to tell you? This is his issue to deal and he has to find the solution that works for him. If he is uncomfortable with using the Journal section of the site, maybe he could read a book and work through it offline. I know if I was in his situation I would want to show my wife that I was doing everything I could to succeed.

 

DireMerl,

Thanks for sharing on here. As many have mentioned, you're doing an amazing job! I have a bit of experience with relationship-PMO issues and wanted to share a few helpful principles. You may know most of these and some were mentioned before, but I like to put things into a fresh light. For all of these points, keep in mind that love is the most important factor. You two are a team: you are not fighting against him and you are not fighting for him.

1. Use relapses to learn. Yes, it is disappointing, heart-wrenching, and sickening. I'll bet anything it is for him too, deep down. Hell, I feel bad hearing about it. However, you can use those moments to learn about what went wrong and to develop a better strategy/action plan, as well as show your support.
2. Relinquish control. This is for you and I know you may not like to hear it, but I have been on the other side and know what doesn't work. Your job as a spouse is not to patrol the other. If he is only avoiding P because he knows you will find out and/or get on him, it is not genuine change and he is not any better off. Besides, this monitoring will only burden you and leads to mistrust, even if you can't help it. Please don't misunderstand: accountability, encouragement, and team work are NOT what I'm talking about.
3. Learn about the addiction. This is self explanatory. Learn the triggers, the methods, the reasons, the doubts, fears, insecurities. Communicate without judgement or correction. If he won't talk to you openly, have him reconsider journaling more here. If he won't do that, have him start in his own personal journal. This is a process he has to commit to daily, not just when he feels like it. If he is closed off, don't try to pry him open, just show you care.
4. Get better together. Your husband will feel patronized and humiliated if the focus is constantly on how he needs to improve. Think of some things that you would like to be better at or learn. Then, you pick your activity, he picks his activity, and you two pick one to do together. You get constructive time apart and together. It could be fitness related, cooking, church activities, reading, volunteering, arts/crafts, dancing, business groups, civic organizations, hobbies...anything you would be proud to tell others about. In this, ask him to help YOU in certain ways. Similarly...
5. Create good habits. Science tells us that the best way to change is HABIT. Motivation is cheap and will only get you through a few days, maybe a week or two. Willpower can last a month, month and a half after that. HABITS, however, can last a lifetime. I can personally attest to how even non-PMO-related activities can affect the battle. Go to bed and get up at a regular time. Exercise on regular days. Eat regular meals and eat healthy, supplementing where needed. Go grocery shopping at the same time each week and do all of your activities on the same day at the same time. This gives him positive things to focus on and little room for negative activities. Now he doesn't have time for PMO on Tuesday because it's his turn to cook dinner, followed by a walk through the park with you and then basketball with his buddies. Get the idea?
6. Stay Positive. You two can beat this and have a better marriage than you even know possible! Whenever you come here to say how excited you are or how much better he seems, tell him!! Brag to your girlfriends and parents about all the ways he's just been terrific lately. Compliment him in specific ways based on his achievements.

I sincerely hope this helps. I'd be happy to share specific strategies or more tips from a guy's perspective anytime you'd like. I just joined this community, but I'm loving it so far and really looking forward to working with everyone here. Keep up the great work!

Hezron

 

Very happy that you are making some good progress. That is terrific to hear.

Good on you for doing things for yourself. We need to. I bought myself some flowers this week and it felt good. I know, such a silly little thing, should really do that stuff all the time.

Next time he goes out, don't worry about him. Have a bath, watch your chick flick (with a glass of wine perhaps) and if he comes home during, tell him to keep quiet as you haven't finished your fun yet. Do a night for you.

Keep going, you sound like you are heading in the right direction.

 

Hey dire,
You are one of two of the most amazing wifes i encountered in this forum.
You are such a passionate and loving woman.
Kudos to you!

I lost the love of my life due to this shit!

So here are some things wich basically broke my relationship (its been 6 years+)

-pmo
-no own hobbys on my side
-gaming!(Ive been a gaming addict too-.-)
-low self esteem
-beeing anti social and never joining her when she got out with her buddys

You guys seem to make great progress!
I have studied several semesters of psychology and if i might wanna give u one advice, it would be the following.

Couple abstaining from pmo with rewards!
I am myself on day 15 of my first streak ever and what reaaaaally keeps.me motivated is a promise a of my Fuckbuddy.
She said if i make it to day thirty ill get a blowjob *.*

Find out what your husband is craving for the most and try to make a reward out of it.
Set some streak goals and try to get him.something nice for it.
Grown up people basically function like kids in that regard.
Try to do the pawlov with him
(Dog bell experiment)

If his brain combines the rush of a reward from his love with the habit of not pmo'ing , he will have a really easy time.

Of course it might also lead to him, giving you some pleasure back

I hope i could atleast help a little.
Keep it up!

 

Hi there! Always nice to hear from you, @DireMerl. Glad to hear that things are going okay for you right now...doing things together, in my experience, is very helpful in that regard. Garnadaan and I game together as well! I need to pick Guild Wars 2 back up....it's been too long. Hugs to you, and I hope that things continue to go positively for you and yours

 

I am very glad that you are your husband are going well. Slowly but surely is the only way. As long as you are on the right trajectory, then things are looking up.

I had been thinking the same as you with regards to taking a break. I understand completely. There are very few posts I comment on and i tend to "hang out" by the water cooler in the relationship section to stay away from a lot of the more heated debates and comments about rebooting/relapsing.

I decided to stay as the positives I get out of chatting to people, such as yourself, outweighs the negatives. It is up to you though and you need to do what you can to keep you in a positive mindset.

This is the Internet and it is an open forum. Anyone can post and the anonymity allows people to be more outspoken than usual. You need to allow the negative posts to slide away. Push them out of your mind. You're rarely going to be able to change other people's point of view, particularly on a forum such as this, and so there is no use getting worked up about it. there is only so much you can convey in a post in a forum and how it is understood is up to the reader....

You have a good heart and from what I have seen you genuinely want to help people. That is a fantastic attribute. Do not lose that.

You are in a place with people who are battling all sorts of demons and you can't help everyone. The sad thing is that here many of the posters with negative views on women are this way as they are affected by their addiction. It makes them objectify women and creates a barrier to real interaction. They do not see or understand that it has affected them and are not likely to until they are well into recovery. I find I need to keep this in mind when reading a lot of posts to keep my head level.

I too was upset this week with a post. It was a woman who came here screaming for help. I think she was literally screaming at her computer screen. She obviously had many issues, and she was not ready to hear certain things. I felt for her and was worried as she sounded at the end of her rope. All I can do is hope that she get the help that she needs from somewhere. I need to be aware that I cannot take on anyone else's worries, I have more than enough of my own to deal with. And so do you. So take what good you can from this place, and let go of the bad.

Sorry that my thoughts were a bit scrambled in this post. I just reread some of it

Come back and let us know how you are traveling now and then. I'd like to know that you are doing well.

All the best x

 

Dire
please don't stop on account of anything I have said. you're doing really well and you need to keep at it for your sake.
You and I aren't so different, I too am a sucker for a Terry's Orange

 

HI - I got my husband to do a journal on here too. Now that he has faced up to the fact he has an addiction and it's not just me 'over reacting' every time, he seems to have a different mind set too. I've not fully blocked the internet but I have blocked his 3 main sites through the router. He's gone 12 days so far and we both feel good..... I can now talk to him about it without him getting grumpy too, which helps.
I wish you luck .....keep reading other people's stories; I've found them a great help.