Some Friendly Advice to Change Your Life

Someone asked me in a DM what tips I had to help break the porn addiction. I responded to them with some of the things I've shared here before, but I thought it might be helpful to someone if I shared it broadly here.

Here are a few things that I think are key.

1. Don't think of this as a "diet" where you are trying to abstain from porn. This is a whole new lifestyle that porn isn't a part of. If you think "I'm gonna hold out for 90 days" then guess what will happen on day 91. No. The new you doesn't look at porn. You aren't going for a streak or trying to hold out. You are a new man living a new life.

2. Know WHY you want to do this. For me that answer is because my wife had an affair, and we're trying to put our marriage back together. And I hated her so much for so long after the affair that I wouldn't have sex with her at all. So I was using porn to satisfy that need. But we can't fix our marriage if we don't have sex, so I cut out the porn to force me back to her. Knowing that helps me when I'm having a craving, because I know watching porn isn't just giving up on my new lifestyle. It's giving up on my marriage. Your "why" is probably different. But you need to know it and keep it close to your heart.

3. Have some positive mantras you can repeat to yourself when you start getting in your head. When you start telling yourself "this isn't worth it" or "I'm wasting my time" or "it won't work anyway" or "a little won't hurt" you need to interrupt that thought immediately with "I deserve better than porn" or "I'm a new man" or "porn is destructive and only hurts me." It doesn't matter what it is, but have 3 or 4 things that you can immediately repeat to yourself to interrupt that negative loop in your head. You don't even have to believe them. You just need to change the tape. Write them on pieces of paper and stick them up around the house and in your car to help you remember.

4. The individual cravings don't usually last more than about 30 seconds. Even if you have them all day, individually they pass pretty quickly. So when you have a craving immediately get up and go do something else. Read a book. Make a sandwich. Write a poem. Paint a picture. Listen to a song. Watch a TV show. Call a friend. It literally doesn't matter. Just do something else and the craving will pass.

5. Pick up a new hobby. Part of why you're looking at porn is because you're bored and you have free time. So fill your free time. Learn an instrument. Take up woodworking. Practice yoga. It doesn't matter. Find something interesting and dive in. Fill your free time and you won't have as much of it to surf smut.

6. Expand your social circle. Join a church or a gym or a karate school. Make new friends. Surround yourself with people who want good things for you and encourage self improvement. You don't even have to be religious. I tell atheists to go to church all the time. You'll hear good philosophical discussions and be surrounded by nice normal people and if you're single and a catch the olds will try to set you up. If you join a gym ask the gym bros for help. Most of them love to mentor new guys. If you join a karate school go to as many classes as you can. Karate guys love an enthusiastic new recruit. You'll make friends and learn a new skill and get in shape and build confidence. But the most important thing is you'll have PEOPLE around you cheering you on.

Lastly, you need to let people in on your struggle. Whether that's a friend or a parent or a spouse or a therapist. Be careful who you open up to, and it shouldn't be the way you introduce yourself to new people, but we aren't meant to struggle alone. I've know people who've had great success with betterhelp.com. You can start there if you aren't ready to open up to anyone in your personal life. But you need someone who knows what you're dealing with. They will give you support and a sense of accountability. And that will make the tough times easier.

Good luck friends. This is hard. Porn is a hell of a drug. It is corrosive and dose dependant and it will destroy you. But you can beat this thing.

Stay positive.