Need help: Lacking resolve.

All that is natural and we all have that addict voice in one shape or another trying to talk us into the easy, pleasurable escape that feeds that part of the brain. And to think we can white-knuckle it or command our resolve to power through it, is a myth. We can’t do this on our own. We need connection and the help of others to journey through. And it is a journey, not a destination. The healing and growth need to continue life-long. There is something underlying this for you, as there is for all of us. And that voice you’re hearing is alluding to some of that. You need to dig deep down and learn and understand your reason for turning to PMO for your solution and once you have that understanding, you can work on healing it. That’s where the resolve comes in. You can do this and you are worth it. Best wishes for great success.

 

Hey, I’m no therapist or psychologist, but it sounds to me like you haven’t discovered those deeper issues that led you there in the first place and keep bringing you back. There are a myriad of reasons and we all have our own and own stories, but for example it could be not feeling ‘good enough’ or ‘man enough’, not feeling affirmed or fitting in, some childhood trauma, abuse, neglect or attachment issue, learning early that emotions were supposed to be suppressed or were a sign of weakness, etc. As many reasons and combinations of reasons as there are human beings, and things got wrapped in our sexuality and sexual awakening through PMO. I believe if you can uncover those in you, and the then address them, you’ll be able to get off the PMO, abstain, relapse, binge roller coaster.

 

Developing intrinsic motivation to quit lust and fantasy has been a significant part of my path. Extrinsic motivators such as pleasing God, my wife, or the female population are ineffective. Here are my reasons.

1) Partaking in lust and fantasy raises the toxicity level in my brain. When I do it, I'm creating a dopamine fix similar to using porn. Which leads to more lust and fantasy. Which leads to acting out with MB and porn. The physical behaviors are symptoms and extensions of uncontrolled eyes and a free-racing mind. If I want to stop the behaviors, I need to deal with the inner man by practicing custody of my eyes and mind.
(Foundational pillar 1: boundaries)

2) Partaking in lust and fantasy reduces my attraction towards my wife. The more I do it, the less attracted I am towards her. And the more my sex life suffers.
(Foundational pillar 3: Outer Circle)

3) Partaking in lust and fantasy reinforces a pornographic (magical) view of women. Instead of seeing them as emotional creatures desiring love, relationship, commitment, exclusivity, marriage, family, children, I entertain a distorted image of women that just want to have physical sex with a whole bunch of different men. Very destructive because it prevents me from seeing, embracing, and connecting with the real woman because I'm so consumed with what I want.
(Foundational pillar 4: Paradigm)

4) Partaking in lust and fantasy reinforces my toxic shame. It's this subconscious belief inside me that I'm a worthless piece of garbage. And the shame manifests itself in the form of NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome) and its validation seeking behaviors. In order to heal from NGS, all validation seeking behaviors have to stop and I have to demonstrate that I'm a person of value. Sexual validation is the ultimate validation for NGS. And my lust is a direct validation seeking behavior. If I partake in it, I'm reinforcing my shame. Shame is a nasty, nasty root. It's far more destructive then my sexual acting out. My sex and porn addiction are rooted in my shame. If I don't address and deal with this root, I'm undermining and sabotaging my recovery from porn.
(Foundational pillar 5: Healing from shame)

5) partaking in lust and fantasy does not actually provide me pleasure. Instead, it gives me the illusion of pleasure while increasing my desire for more. It never fills a void. Instead, it creates one. I'm never satisfied. I always want more. And like porn, lust and fantasy have no value. They are completely worthless.
(Foundational pillar 6: Easy. Way)

And yet, I've discovered that all of this conscious understanding is still not enough. Because my subconscious still hangs onto the old debunked beliefs. And I cannot change that. My subconscious is completely broken. And God's not going to zap me so that I can stop fantasizing or be able to check out all the women without lusting after them. God's desire for me is to not place any trust or confidence in my subconscious. Another word used to describe my subconscious is my flesh. Despite what I know, my subconscious flesh is determined to do what the flesh is going to do. So I'm left only with option to completely surrender my life, my thoughts to God. To dwell continually in His presence because the only other option is to walk in my flesh which I consciously know will lead me to a path of misery. As directed by God, I don't give myself permission to look at or think on such things that my subconscious would use to indulge in its perversion. If I look at a woman, I'm going to lust. It doesn't matter how old, how fat, or even what she's wearing. My subconscious flesh takes me from zero to pervert in less than a second. So I don't give myself permission to take that first look. Do I do this perfectly? No. But if I win more battles then I'm losing with lust and fantasy, then I'm going to win this war. If I keep losing battle after battle after battle of losing's custody of my mind and my eyes, then I will lose this war and fall right back into that pile of dirt porn.
(Foundational pillar 7: God)

 

Hey guy, what I would say, is that you sound like your addicted.
What that means is, you have to stop thinking that thinking about it will really help. Because your brain is you. So your brain is always going to say that one more porn is okay because your brain is only thinking about how to survive, and porn floods our brain with amazing chemicals without us having to even move.

You have to TELL yourself that you are quitting and that is that. You dont NEED a reason. You dont NEED a reason to anything. You don't want to do it anymore. So quit.
Then, when the urges come, realize that all it is is your brain wanting to go somewhere that YOU have trained it to go. That's fine. No reason to stress. How silly of you to think going to that place would make your life better. Laugh at yourself for being such a dope.

This is to help break the cycle. There is no logical reason to argue with ourselves about something that we have already decided to do. Why do you need a permanent coping mechanism? That sounds like something that someone being tortured would say!

So stop thinking of yourself as fighting yourself. You are always going to want to do the thing that you think brings you the best outcome with the shortest amount of risk, its only human nature.

Then you can slow down your thinking, examine your triggers. They are probably related to fear or stress. When we create fantasies that involve us getting good outcomes after being in stressful or dangerous situations, our brains create stress for us in order to get to our good outcomes.

There is no "part of you." It is YOU. No judgement, no morality. You created it and that's good. Because it means you can let it go.

 

What? No.

 

Great start to write, but you need to work on having a better life. Chasing pleasure by PMO, using drugs, excessive alcohol use, over eating, etc. always feels better in the short term. The problem is after time we need more and more of the pleasure that we chase and then we realize that what matters in life has been put on hold because we spent our time chasing pleasure.
Here's what I think are the best ways to have a full life: Make friends, find a partner to share your life, have sex, start a family, work in a career that gives you satisfaction, exercise and eat healthy. Whatever you do in life should make you proud and happy.
Does PMO make you proud and happy or is it a quick squirt of dopamine so that you can momentarily not feel that your life is less than ideal?