What's the point? Am I that bad?

Hi guys,

So I'm officially signed up now in order to improve my quality of life but there are still some debates nagging in my head about this whole enterprise.

My partner had a rough time during the birth of our son and and hasn't been able to get her full fitness or figure back since (although I still find her as attractive as the day we met). Added to this she is also a survivor of child sexual abuse and has begun to get some help with this. As a result our sex life has become extremely limited. We have had sex maybe five times in almost three years and although she sometimes sees to my orgasms she doesn't really enjoy it and isn't always full present (which really fucks with my head at times).

So I have managed by masturbating and getting really angry at times, exercising and talking about it with a professional and some close friends. However, the masturbation seems to becoming a problem in the last while in that it just makes me more and more frustrated and I fantasize about an assortment of different women and times in my life with my partner and past girlfriends to the point that I feel I have nearly worn out some of the memories at this stage. I think about other women out of spite and find myself overwhelmed when I see attractive girls and unable to stop looking at them, but thankfully I don't cheat on my partner and only watch porn very occasionally. I do however, look at most women lasciviously and upon meeting anyone attractive immediately imagine a host of graphic things I like to do with and to them.

All of this leads me to a place of confusion and disappointment. I am from Ireland and for those of you who don't know it is an extremely conservative place when it comes to sex and there is lots of guilty and shame promoted about it. This has eased off in recent years but the basic culture is still there. So, all of that said I was very happy to get to a place of guilt free masturbation in my twenties and became a guilt free advocate of it. Now to think that it is a problem is more than a little disappointing as it has always been a place where I find relief from stress and even relaxation.

I am also a recovering addict of ten years, so I am no stranger to abstinence. However, drink and drugs are nearly easier to give up (and I do not say that likely) as they were done under a programme of complete abstinence, but sex is an inherent part of life and I find that difficult to reconcile. It's almost like saying 'you can drink on the weekends'.

But I relapsed on masturbation last night (twice)because I was sick with the flu and feeling sorry for myself and sleeping in the spare room so as not to keep my partner awake with my coughing and it was easy to justify. I felt like shit after it and have that dirty lusty hunger troubling me again today.

So, here I am, a newly established member of nofap. A fapstronaut, I think it's called. And basically-I need help. Why should I give up? Can I do it? Sometimes I worry that it is unhealthy not to masturbate and that I'll go off like a sex rocket. But today I don't think I'll act out and I guess that's a start.

Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think.

 

Foxtrot12- thank you man, your response nearly brought tears to my eyes. Thank you and I hope you are doing well too. I have a really good feeling about this...

 

hey dude, thanks for taking the time to reply and you feedback is very helpful. There is a part of me recognises that what I have can be compulsive, I guess its just difficult to surrender to the fact. Its like, why can't I just go back a few weeks to pretending like I didn't have a problem. But I am aware of this experience. Awareness is a bitch.
Thanks again