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Looking for advice especially from the ladies here

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Lady57, Oct 23, 2015.

  1. Lady57

    Lady57 Fapstronaut

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    Hello all: I will try not to take all of your time because I have to say I am not SURE if my husband is actually looking at porn or not. I have tons of evidence but not proof and he is making me believe it is all me and I am crazy.
    To start off let me say that my first husband and I had problems over porn but that was back in day of the magazines, nothing compared to what is available now. Here is what has happened. Before marriage to my current second husband, I found some racy pictures, (nudies) on his computer. He said his friend sent them and he never deleted them. I asked him in the future if anyone sent pics please look if you must but then delete. He said sure no problem. I trusted him for 10 years. Well, fast forward to last October and he quit his job because they were "mean" to him. It really was a bad situation however, he had never quit a job without another job lined up before. The first two months were ok, after that he started to get depressed and stressed. He started to treat me differently, snapping at me and unlike himself. I tried to be supportive but I was also stressed supporting us. I soon noticed that when I came in the house earlier than usual he would be shutting off the computer or closing the tab he was on. Then I noticed he was taking his phone everywhere, even the bathroom! Said he needed to job hunt in there? Then I started to notice other things. The Lube we used was sometime moved as well as one of the toys that we used (I thought) together. Then there was a dvd that had come free with the toy order that I locked away thinking we may use it together some day. I noticed it was moved. Then I am ashamed to say I went through his phone and computer because I was concerned he might be having an affair. PMO never crossed my mind yet as he had promised me before we got married it wasn't an issue. Well I didn't find porn but I did find pics of girls with naked arses, youtubes of local young newcasters, fitness models, young (one 16 year old) actresses and singers. While these aren't porn it did bother me. I also found some videos but I couldn't make them open. The next day they were gone from his phone. The day the last two videos where uploaded he was on his computer for 4 hours. I also noticed he was staring more at other women when we were out together, much more. I could go on and on, but anyway I confronted him around New Year's and he denied looking at porn. I have asked him several times since then and he always denies. I am at my wits end back and forth between trying to believe him and feeling naïve and stupid and being very hurt. Our marriage is suffering and I don't even know for sure if that is the problem. Any insight or advice would be appreciated.
     
    Yesodi likes this.
  2. taqwa

    taqwa Fapstronaut

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    This is quite challenging situation. You are the closest person to him. Usually our spouse knows what's going on. Lots of time they just try to deny situation. Sometimes it is easier that way. I'm not a therapist. My only advice is there must be transparency in the relationship. If there is not, it will deteriorate. As a man, I know The likelihood of him watching pornography is extremely high. Although you should never assume anything. Gentle confrontation is necessary. Be careful how you approach him. Do not try to test him. Simply state what you know and be clear and upfront. If he opens up and tells you his issues, this is the first step to recovery. If there is no honesty, there is no relationship. In my personal experience, everytime I try to hide porn/masturbation from my wife, it always backfires and sets our relationship further apart. It is only when I'm completely honest with her, that I experience closeness and love with her. I wish you much success in your relationship. Anything in life is wonderful requires tremendous effort, this includes relationships. However, it must be two-sided.
     
  3. Lady57

    Lady57 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your reply. The quite possible break in trust is the worst part.
     
  4. CdB

    CdB Fapstronaut

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    Hello Lady57, I can definitely relate to the situation you're in because I'm in almost the identical situation. My dear hubby unfortunately did watch a lot of porn and I found it; but since I went kind of ballistic on him after the umpteenth time of asking him nicely not to do that in my house - well, he swears he's "not watching that stuff anymore". But he still acts like he did when I know for sure he was. Like you- I only went looking because I felt something was off, he was being real pissy, not his normal sweet self and acting really weird in bed. I was absolutely terrified it was an affair. I didn't even know that porn addiction could be a thing - how naïve could I be?! My first thought is Trust your gut feelings - they are usually right. These guys are so good at hiding, lying and deflecting it is amazing. At this point I'm stuck in this purgatory - hubby hasn't admitted that he has any kind of a problem, even though he's in the midst of quite a few porn/masturbation induced symptoms. He is trying to convince me (and himself) that it's his prostate, or he's allergic to the laundry soap, or it's his medications, or, or, or.... anything but what I'm certain it really is, he's M'ing really really frequently. As other folks on here have suggested, we need to somehow gently coax these guys into realizing that they have a problem, and there is a solution! Know that you are not alone, sadly, and if nothing more I sympathize and understand how you're feeling. Also know - it is Absolutely Not You, it is his problem and has nothing at all to do with how he feels about you or your marriage. It's almost as though it takes their brain hostage and all thoughts are filtered through the itty-bitty brain ;-)
    If you need to chat, I check in pretty frequently browsing around the sight. Take care of you Lady57
     
    Getting clean, TheWife and taqwa like this.
  5. taqwa

    taqwa Fapstronaut

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    Most important step for your relationship is for him to be upfront and honest. It can become a great opportunity to grow together. I know from personal experience, as long as I was denying and trying to hide my addictions, the worse my relationship with my wife got. Finally, we are on the same page and our relationship is better than ever. It is more real!

    Guys out there... Lean in to your significant other! They are incredible support if you let them be. They have this 6th sense!! Most of them know when you are lying...However, most don't judge and want to help. You are not protecting them by keeping your PMO secret. This is a lie we tell ourself to justify the secrecy of our addictions. Remember the best way to cure addiction is to connect. I advise myself and all my brothers to really connect with your significant other.

    I wish all well. Stay strong.
     
    JoePineapples, TheWife and DireMerl like this.
  6. Lady57

    Lady57 Fapstronaut

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  7. Lady57

    Lady57 Fapstronaut

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    CdB: I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, but I almost wish I had the absolute proof you do because then I would not feel like I am going crazy. You are so right about the rationalizing. However, I would have to throw both my gut instincts and my common sense out the window to believe my husband at this point. There are many more things I have witnessed that are indicators (not proof) that this is a problem for him. Up until I asked him about if he is possibly watching porn, he used to have his computer set up to where it erased the history on shut down. I never thought much about it because I trusted him so completely. Even after I confronted him about what was going on I still found him taking his phone in the bathroom and looking at pictures of 16 year old actresses (and I'm sorry I don't believe it was for their academy award winning performance) They were very nice looking girls, but young enough to be his granddaughters. Even though it wasn't porn it made me wonder what he looked at when he wasn't at home. Am I over analyzing things? IS that weird or am I just over sensitive now? I would appreciate your opinion as you know for a fact what is going on (at least what has gone on) in your situation.
     
    CdB likes this.
  8. Lady57

    Lady57 Fapstronaut

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  9. Lady57

    Lady57 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, Taqwa. I would love nothing more than my husband to be up front and honest, even if he is working on it now. I feel a sense of betrayal, like he has or did have some little secret off to himself, when we are supposed to be the ones sharing an intimate life together. Unfortunately he does not seem to have the courage it takes to be honest. It hurts.

    I have read quite a few of the journals and I hope those men who are working on this and not telling their wives understand that if their wives truly love them, they probably know on some level. It's even more than a knowing, it's a physical feeling. Also, if they don't know what is going on, they may unwittingly make things worse instead of being given the opportunity to be supportive.

    Thanks for your understanding words.
     
    CdB likes this.
  10. DickyAnonymous92

    DickyAnonymous92 Fapstronaut

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    If I were you I wouldn't challenge him, I'd tell him, if you two don't communicate properly, whether it's him or not, your relationship will break down anyway. To me it sounds like it’s already starting to be at the point of no return. Snooping around isn’t going to make anything better either. Be really honest with yourself. Listen to your gut feeling, not your head.

    :)
     
  11. CdB

    CdB Fapstronaut

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    Lady57, I so understand exactly what you're saying. Concrete proof would be invaluable, because the not knowing for certain, the wondering if I'm just imagining it because I'm being over-sensitive or in my case: menopausal!
    The phone in the bathroom, unless he's reading a book on it, is a big red flag. Also photos of actresses, just about anybody really - are not because he's running a modeling agency, he's using them for his pleasure. My dear hubby got really smart after I told him we were done if he didn't stop the porn - I have not found any porn in over a year. I was naïve enough then to think it would all go away if he just quit watching porn. But I know he's still "using" because of the way he acts and all of the other symptoms. But I haven't actually caught him in the act, so I have no concrete evidence.
    And how in the world do you get your husband to be honest and open with you, - unless he's had an epiphany and suddenly realized his world is crashing down around him because he won't stop pleasuring himself and hiding it from his wife???? Mine is not willing to take that step, he like you said, lacks the courage to open up to me. And I know part of it at least is that he's embarrassed. Part of it I'm sure is that he doesn't Want to stop. My husband is a recovering alcoholic. He told me once that alcoholics are very selfish, it's all about them. I see that in this addiction as well. It's what they want, and how dare we want them to stop?!
    I'm sorry Lady57, I have no helpful advice for you, just commiseration. I wish there was some formula for finding out for sure and getting through to our men, that this Does affect us, deeply.
     
  12. Lady57

    Lady57 Fapstronaut

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  13. Lady57

    Lady57 Fapstronaut

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    CdB: That was my husband's first line of defense. I'm menopausal and I have a hormone imbalance. Well I sent to the doctor and guess what? NOT!! I'm fine. Lol..it's so ridiculous.
    I also wish there was a formula. In the v meantime your thoughtful words are very helpful. Best of luck to you.
     
  14. taqwa

    taqwa Fapstronaut

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    I feel for you Lady57 and CdB. I was once like your husbands and used to hide and deny. It will never get better until it is out in the open. I agree in that you should not challenge him. Women are amazing at sensing something is not right. Your guts are usually right and we men lash out at you guys because we feel defensive and guilty. This is a difficult situation and I wish you guys much success!
     
  15. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    @Lady57 and @CdB i feel for you both. I understand completely the way this can make you feel crazy. There is a term, gaslighting. I think that we have all been experiencing this when they make us second guess ourselves when we know the truth. It is what they are doing, and what we are doing to ourselves as well. It is a form of emotional abuse. We are not crazy. They are just trying to deny the reality.

    I hope that things get better for you both. Don't second guess yourselves. Good luck
     
    CdB likes this.
  16. 8BitsOfStuggling

    8BitsOfStuggling Fapstronaut

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    I hate to break it to you, but these are porn to him, and to many men. They aren't a harmless oh that's on the news, he is saving them. He is making it porn and they are exactly that.
     
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  17. DickyAnonymous92

    DickyAnonymous92 Fapstronaut

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    If anything, you don't need advice from women, you need it from men.
    Women complicate things. Only through the mind of a male you'll understand.
     
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  18. Lady57

    Lady57 Fapstronaut

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    Well, Dicky...I appreciate any and all thoughtful and sincere advice. ..enlighten me.
     
    CdB likes this.
  19. Getting clean

    Getting clean Fapstronaut

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    Hello. Interesting thread.
    I am your guy. I am every selfish, cold, angry, moody, denying and ashamed guy out there. I have just lost everything that I should have loved more. All for an empty dopamine thrill filled moment. Your probably right. I can't be sure if I am, but your story has all the ingredients of a man living in denial of his problem. As said in an earlier message: Go with your gut. How to handle the situation? That's the question. Honest, non judgemental and done with sympathy and love is my only advice. Oh. And a shed load of patience. It is really difficult for a man to admit to this kind of thing to take true ownership is yet another step altogether.
    I can't promise to be of any help. But I do know what it is to lie and lie again.
    I am sorry for your pain. It is distressing for you. I hope you find the wisdom to work through this. GC.
     
    Yesodi and CdB like this.
  20. TTTM

    TTTM Fapstronaut

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    Hello dear...dear Lady..... you have all the proof you will ever need. I'm very sorry this is happening and can put myself into every paranoid scenario you described. I believe you can confront it with full confidence that he is buried in it. Very sorry and wishing you the best.
     

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