The Wall

Hi. This is the first attempt at a call out for support. My Fiancé has been bugging me to reach out for support. Its with her support that I have started this journey to look inward and realize that I want to move forward, and let go of a 25 year addiction.

In looking at my life, I see many disappointments, mistakes, and should have done's, should have not's, and countless failures, doing this depresses me. I can't believe I had the sense to continue down this path for so long. Church taught me it was wrong to lust after another man's wife, yet they didn't teach me how to control my lust, or how to channel my sexual energy into something more useful, more productive. Was it their responsibility to teach me? ... No. It was, is and will be my responsibility to hone in my own will. To learn who I am, and what I can be. I am done making conscious mistakes, I have a choice. I can make a decision. I have decided to to leave porn behind.
YES!!! I am empowered.
But then, I go to the gym to work of my sexual frustration, and I see a girl with a wonderful body. She has worked hard at the gym. She has been diligent in her vision to stay fit and healthy, and her dedication to sculpting the perfect female specimen of perfection, this makes my pants very happy and tight and I forget I made a decision moments ago to regain my control. Six flags here I come, I come to my favorite rollercoaster of shame, regret, ecstasy, fantasy and lust.

I've laid the first the brick. no. no I haven't. Ive only stared to dig the for the foundation. My contractor friend says that in order to build a house, and a strong wall, I have got to dig a deep foundation, the deeper the better. If I find the bed rock, it will make my wall even better. But i don't want to dig up all this suppressed emotions. Its difficult to look into those dark moments when my uncle molested me. All the curiosities that followed. I don't like this process. I don't like digging through this trench of manure.
"Keep digging deeper" says the architect.
"Keep digging!
Let go of all that emotion."

I don't know how to continue. I feel naked. Alone. and exposed.