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Porn has RUINED MY LIFE. Please help - Mild Trigger Warning -

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by rowlands, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. rowlands

    rowlands New Fapstronaut

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    Hi.

    I'm just off a binge and watching / wanking to about 15 videos the past two days. I feel shit. Completely numb actually, and as I try to close my eyes and meditate / think about why I'm doing this my mind feels like it's shutting down.

    I'm 32. Been wanking to porn since 14. Became a real heaver drinker and drug user throughout my teens and 20's and would always have a porn binge during a come down - it really wasn't a choice at the time - just seemed to numb me through the self loathing.

    before porn masturbation was tricky. I used to have to think about boys then force myself to think about a girl at the point of climax in order to convince myself that I liked girls. Then at 14 I was sent a a porn video and I was hooked. From then on I was masturbating few times daily to this kind of porn. I was straight.

    Then in my early 20's I started doing drugs (cannabis mainly) with a straight boy very close to my family. Without ever acknowledging it as peculiar or bad for my psyche I began to masturbate daily over this boy. About the same time my porn habits became much more hardcore and I was watching lots of extreme oral scenes which seem fucking repugnant to me right now.

    I never questioned my sexuality or my porn /real-life fantasies. Didn't even think about them. All my relationships started to crumble and I went through a break-down which involved crippling anxiety and withdrawal from everyone. During this time I tried to have sex with several people of both genders but couldn't get it up. I also (remarkably) had a girlfriend for 18 months, though our relationship was based around heavy drug use and her performing oral sex on me. This made me hard, and often I would try and make it more aggressive. I was never able to become aroused for penetrative sex and with reflection can see that I didn't fancy her. Poor girl.

    I gave up cannabis (and all other drugs) January 2014. From May(ish) 2014 I stopped masturbating to porn with girls and also to this straight boy I mentioned (after ten straight years of it!!). I continued to watch porn but gay only and my porn tastes have become more and more explicit.

    I am now in the ridiculous position of feeling that I am gay, but being too scared to have sex with a guy. I do however watch gay porn several times a day.

    I feel exhausted. I feel confused, scared, bored. I KNOW that I MUST stop porn and cumming altogether for a long period of time to reset my broken sexuality. I lasted 44 days in June / July this year without porn and wanking!!! BUT, now I am back of the wagon and feel like I really need help. I have no desire in having sex or a relationship with anyone.

    Sorry for the long message, I needed to get it off my chest. Sorry also for any unhelpful sexual references. That's how I currently see life. Please help.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 13, 2015
  2. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Welcome Rowlands!

    I feel this is a great place for you to be and I wish you luck and strength while you combat this. If you are gay, I find no wrong in that. I believe you are who you are and if that's who you are, why change it? You are attracted to who you are attracted to and shouldn't feel guilty about that. However, I have seen many people on this forum who end up looking up things (porn wise) that they normally wouldn't look up. P changes you. Am I saying that you aren't gay? Absolutely not, but I do know that once you get into P, it evolves into things that you never thought you would be interested in. Give NoFap a chance and get as far as you can without P and see where it takes you.

    Good luck! You can do this!!!

    Also, you explained some details that may trigger some people on this forum. I would suggest either doing a "spoiler alert" or announcing ahead of your post that it may be triggering to some people. Some of your post is very explicit, which is perfectly fine (in my eyes) but needs to have a trigger alert before it. :)
     
    JoePineapples likes this.
  3. rowlands

    rowlands New Fapstronaut

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    Hi Blondewife! Thanks a lot for the message, means a lot. How long do you think I'll need to go before I'm in a place I'm happy with? At the moment I have no desire for any intimacy let alone sex. I have strong feelings for guys, and I don't have any feelings for girls in that way, never did. I've heard 90 days being mentioned but I suspect I'll need twice that time at least without PMO to get myself in shape...

    Also, I've edited my initial post so it is much less explicit
     
    JoePineapples likes this.
  4. Haggis

    Haggis Fapstronaut

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    Hey Rowlands! I'm the lucky husband of @Blondewife and I'm here to weigh in :)

    I've experienced both drug and porn addictions (I was heavily into coke at one point in my life and have only recently given up cigarettes) and I know just how difficult it can be to force those changes on yourself. Congratulations for achieving that goal.

    This is honestly different for each person. 90 days seems to be a rough average that works for most people. It gives your brain time to rebalence itself from the constant dopamine flood of porn and gives you time to readjust your habits accordingly. For me, breaking the habit of porn and my daily cycle of masturbation and secrecy was key to me gaining a new perspective on how I looked at life.

    This sounds perfectly normal to me. "Flatlining" is a common term here on NoFap. In general it refers to a lessening (or loss) of sexual desire at some point during your reboot. It typically occurs during the earlier stages but since every person's reboot is different, it can occur at different times for different people. And flatlining aside, it still would make sense to me that you don't want anything to do with sex or intimacy. You've essentially experienced a self-induced psychic trauma. You don't know which way is up and probably feel like you're spinning in a void. Take a deep breath, my friend. Reset yourself mentally and physically. Know that you're OK. You're among friends and compatriots. Read enough journals and I'm certain you'll come across other guys who have experienced the exact same thing that you are right now. Many people who first stumble across NoFap in their moment of greatest desperation find themselves questioning everything about themselves and their actions. Just close your eyes and breathe, my friend. You've already taken the first steps into recovery.

    First of all, if you are gay, there's not a damn thing wrong with that. Don't let yourself feel ashamed or unworthy in some way because of that. I'm straight myself, but I feel pretty confident in saying that most people who finally do realize that they are gay experience momentous upheavals of emotion while they sort out their feelings.

    And second, while not discouraging you in any way from figuring out your own sexuality, realize that many straight men develop a habit of watching gay porn and that leads many to desiring gay sex. The insidious nature of porn is exactly like drugs, you constantly require a fresh hit to maintain the "high". And a "high" for porn means something new, different, or exciting. The relatively tame things we first start viewing eventually become replaced with harder and more explicit images and videos. Over time, this can lead to things exciting and intriguing us that we never would have dreamed possible before our addiction took root. Porn changes you from the inside out. I'll say again to please not take offense at anything I said. If you are gay, I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world and encourage you to speak with some of the gay Fapstronauts here on NoFap. They would be far more qualified to provide guidance through this extremely difficult time.

    I'll say one more time that the absolute best thing you can do right now is breathe. Just breathe, man. Take some nice, slow, deep breaths and remember that you've already taken the first steps towards figuring yourself out. Don't be afraid of who you are or what you've done, just be the best you that you can be :)

    I'm always here to talk if you need it, as are thousands of other people here.

    Stay the course, my friend. You'll find your path :)
     
  5. Will Strong

    Will Strong Fapstronaut

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    Welcome. I am day 6 with no PMO. I have been addicted to for a very long time now. The urges you have and what gets you off is a direct reflection of what you have grown accustomed to watching and wanking. You are among many others here with the same issues.

    You quit drugs - you can quit this too. It takes extreme commitment and interaction with others trying to do the same. I quit smoking and have in the past gone almost a year without drinking. Porn is harder than both of those I think. But I believe I can stop. I do not think I can stop just watching porn. I have to stop PMO. Luckily I am married and do not have ED yet... but there have been a couple of times.

    I actually wonder if you are really gay - not judging, but from your story it seems like it might be more of a Porn fascination than actual orientation. But I don't really know, I'm not an expert.

    Good luck and start a journal. There will be withdraw symptoms like quitting drugs. I am currently experiencing extreme boredom, fatigue, anger, flaring arousal, flashbacks...
     
  6. yousuff

    yousuff Fapstronaut

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    PMO has ruined my life too My addiction was lasted for 13 years but now, with the help of NoFap, I am recovering. I do not think it is appropriate to mention the name of Porn-stars names on NoFap, some user of NoFap would be tempted to know about them.

    Welcome here and Good luck to your journey.
     
  7. JoePineapples

    JoePineapples Fapstronaut

    Still pretty triggering to some on here, I would have thought, I'm sure it's not intentional, but maybe just putting "Trigger Warning" in bold at the top will help. I'm glad I didn't read the original unedited post :/

    Good luck on your journey, I can't help re your sexuality, it's a bit beyond my experience to offer advice on this one, but staying away from the porn should definitely help, whatever gender attracts you.
     

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