no sex with wife so turned to a friend

Thanks man! Yeah, my counter isn't very high - it has taken me over a year to get this far (actually longer, but I hadn't discovered NoFap then and wasn't as serious).

The unusual thing about my streak right now is that don't have urges at all. Plenty of thoughts, but very controlled thoughts, not impulsive or wild.

Good luck man

 

I'm very sympathetic to your situation. At least you're talking to her about it, and NoFap, and she's open to talking to the doc.

I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here, as you seem like a genuine, sensible guy, but do you still try to make her feel special? Buy her flowers, jewellery, little gifts? Leave her little notes? Tell her how much you love her? Compliment her? Do stuff she wants to do, together? Give her back rubs, foot massages? Cuddle? All without the expectation of sex?

If you've got out of the habit of these things, it's not surprising, you've been together a long time (as have I with Mrs Pinesapple). But it's not surprising either that if all you want is the odd 'roll in the hay' she's not that interested.

Personally, I'd try and stay away from the friend. It's a betrayal. By you, and by her friend (although she's more a friend of you as a couple?). It seems an obvious solution, but unless you've discussed it with your wife with (in abstract terms!!), and she's specifically given your express permission (even then I'd worry), I wouldn't go there. It could get very, very messy. My Mrs, on discussing Porn, and my problem with it, told me that she'd rather I was having sex with another woman, than these unattainable 'perfect' porn actresses. But, I honestly don't think she means that (although I understand her point completely). It would be crossing a line for me, I would never go there.

So, in summary, my advice, for what it's worth, would be: Stay away from the friend (and break it off like a gentleman!)… Stay away from porn… try and reconnect with your wife, try and avoid masturbation, but if you have to, to release, do it the old school way, and try and not fantasize about porn.

 

Great post and some very sound advice.

The only part I can disagree with is, "if you have to release, do it the old school way". I just don't think jerking off is healthy at all. In my opinion, total abstinence is healthier than that.

I would even go as far to say that his relationship with his "friend" is healthier (on a personal level) than jerking off.

 

I don't think his wife would agree. I personally don't think there is ever a reason to go outside the marriage. If you honestly can't live without sex with your wife, you would divorce, not cheat. I'm not judging you at all. That's just my opinion. I've been struggling with differing sexual desire with my husband for years but I would never sleep with someone else. I don't want sex with someone else. I want it with my husband. So I will continue to work through it until there is a good compromise that were both happy with.

If you spoke honestly with your wife before you'd started your relationship with your 'friend' you might have found that she was open to working things out as she is now. I believe that two people who really love each other should always be open to working things through. Taking the short cut of cheating is just another way of running away from your problems. I would always try to imagine how I would feel if I was on the receiving end. How would I feel if my husband was unfaithful. I would be devastated. Therefore I would never want him to feel that way. I really hope you can work things out together as husband and wife. The only way to achieve that is to stop having an affair and put all of your efforts into your relationship with your wife. Good luck.

 

I'm just going to say this: Whenever I leave my comfort zone and make changes in my life, I can count the minutes until the urge to PMO sets in. Escape!, my brain is screaming at me. Please, something to feel good and safe! While it is sad that you've relapsed, take it as a signal that you're onto something.

Get up, dust yourself off and try again. We've all been there.

 

I will try not to sound condemning by posting my opinion on the whole topic. Here we go:

When you married your spouse, you agreed on a few things. One of those things was to be there for her no matter what, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. Had the arrangement been, "I take you as my partner, but when you don't put out, I'm gonna seek it somewhere else...", I would not be telling you this, but it wasn't, so let's put it plainly.

Cheating on your wife is wrong. You guys are not in a polyamory arrangement. And yes, even when your wife doesn't show sexual interest to you as much as you would like her to, seeking it elsewhere without her permission is dishonest.

The solution to this problem isn't to look to an external source for sexual gratification, but to figure out together as a married couple, how you can better your sex life. You have bought the lie that society has taught us that you need to quench your "sexual thirst," no matter what you must do to achieve that sexual satisfaction. In essence, this is no different than watching porn and masturbating to it (which is what brought you here in the first place).

Here at NoFap, we are here not just to conquer our sexual addictions (porn, lust, cheating, prostitutes, etc.), but also to become better people ourselves by refocusing our sexual energy on other things (working out, achieving our personal goals, fixing our relationships' sex lives, finally asking those girls out, etc.).

Thankfully, I've found enough grace on these forums to extend you that same grace. There is hope. There can be change. But YOU have to want it and open your eyes to your destructive behavior.

I'll tell you my story.

I used to sleep around with my best friend behind his boyfriend's back. I was single and I wanted to have sex and I knew he was interested and truthfully, I didn't care enough about his boyfriend to hold myself back. I was being selfish and I didn't think about all the harm I was causing behind-the-scenes. Sex controlled me. But I learned that it didn't need to.

I learned that to fix my life, I had to cut my friend off and make a daily decision to be a changed man.

I recommend the 5 Love Languages as a book for you and your wife to read as a couple. You need to find out why she doesn't want to have sex often and you also need to find out what are ways that she feels appreciated. Unsurprisingly, not everybody craves sex the same; we all have different drives. Try to figure out what are some things you can do for her to make her feel loved and vice-versa; don't just give up on your marriage.

 

An object lesson in handling (overly?) harsh critiscm with good grace. Reading this post will help make me a better person.
Thank you Rico.

 

I agree with this to an extent and I also feel that seeking sex outside one's marriage is wrong. One thing I wonder about is if we assume that sex in marriage is normal, than in the case where one party is not interested in sex, doesn't it become their responsibility to find ways to be more open to having sex. In this case shouldn't Rico's wife be the one trying to change as well?

 

I too have read @TheWife 's journal, and found it humbling. Porn and masturbation leads to selfish, horrible behaviour… often unintentionally, but that's what selfishness is, being too wrapped up in your own thoughts, desires, beliefs, to see things from another person's perspective. Reading her journal put me in her, and my wife's shoes, and held my excuses ( She doesn't want me bothering her for sex, so I'm doing her a favour by wanking ) and justifications up to the light.

On a lighter note, I hope you are initiating intimacy with gentle touching and cuddling, rather than genital touching, which is how I read it the first time… I 'm guessing you may have typed that on a phone

Enjoy the rest of your holiday weekend, and good luck to both of you!

 

Awesome and encouraging! You are on the right track man!

 

@RicoDavidson and @JoePineapples thank you to you both. You made my day.

To be honest I never thought about my journal helping anyone else, it was a place for me to get my thoughts out and to get some feedback on my situation.

@RicoDavidson glad your wife enjoyed the back rub. Porn addiction destroys intimacy. It is the thing I have missed the most. The little moments that let you know your husband really loves you, and thinks your sexy. I hope you keep this up, and then your wife may be able to reciprocate.

 

Oh, and happy anniversary!

 

Rico, happy anniversary, and turkey day for that matter.
Not everyone here will agree with the approach but might I recommend you look up MMSL and the forum over there. Also look up Athol Kay's book Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (I am less impressed with his more recent books) The primer is the best one for men in my opinion, his more recent works have been watered down to appeal to a female audience.
http://marriedmansexlife.vanillacommunities.com/
Go check it out, read the book, don't discuss it with your wife, rather just begin applying the lessons. Like many people I think you will be surprised. You can try the love notes, the back rubs, all that stuff but its really just window dressing. Go read the book and gain insight into what is actually happening under the hood so to speak. I would wager a beer or two that you will have a whole herd of "ah ha" moments when you read it. It will open your eyes to your own world and your relationship in ways you may have never thought possible.
I too went through a period of near sexlessness in my marriage and I happened to find that community, it saved my marriage without any doubt. Lots of people / couples manage to fix seemingly broken libidos and sexless marriages over there. Like this community it takes some soul searching and acceptance of some uncomfortable truths, but 95% of the time it works.
For the record, after following the MMSL program, I get laid whenever I want for the most part, my relationship with my wife is really good, and quitting PMO is only going to make it better.
Additionally, MMSL is also very realistic and pragmatic about things like PMO and how to deal with it, it dovetails very nicely with this community.

 

Sex is a tremendously important part of marriage, they have to have. Biblically speaking its a powerful way of worshiping God. He created it for a purpose, married couples do it, do it hard! (both meaning speaking..)
Something has to be greatly wrong for not doing.
Symptoms are clear: stop talking, stop kissing, stop surprising, stop saying "I love you", stop sex, stop, stop and stop.
Definitively needs help.