My journal - stories from The Wife of a porn addict

Thank you @Myway

First of all, I feel like I should buy you a drink for reading through all my posts. That one big effort!

I think you are right in that I need to find a way to forgive him. Easier said than done. I do need to let it go, for me. There is a part of me that wants to punish him for his acts, but this is not right as it would not make me feel any better and finding a suitable punishment may land me in trouble

I know that forgive does not mean forget nor does it mean reconciliation. It just means that I let goes of all negative feelings about what happened. To help me with this I have decided to write some burn letters. It will let me get rid of all the negative thoughts that I have. Part of me thinks that the reason that I have not forgiven him as yet is that I don't think he even comprehends what I am forgiving him for. He doesn't "get it". I don't see the empathy or the remorse that I expected. (Maybe my expectations are wrong?). I don't feel that he understands the impact on me. I have tried to explain and even wrote him a letter. Maybe he does understand but it is too painful for him to dwell on it. Either way, I can't stay waiting in this state for him to have a epiphany. I Need to move on.

I am not sure if I agree with you or not on the PMO reading and research. I can see how in some ways it is similar to consulting Dr Google for a common cold, and ending up diagnosing a rare debilitating disease from west Africa. It is a complex matter and it requires an impartial, logical and open-minded approach to get to the truth. Difficult to do when it is your marriage it is affecting.

But, I also see the benefits in that I can understand what my husband is going through and I can find it easier to relate to him. I heard that couples who research and discuss matters like this are much more likely to make it through the tough times and to have a stronger relationship. My husband has never been a good one at explaining things. For a time he tried to teach me French, that ended very badly and for the sake of our relationship we decided to never go down that road again. This is similar, he is trying to explain something complex in simple terms. He doesn't have the patience needed, also he is almost 100% auditory when it comes to learning style and I am only visual and kineasthetic. I understand it better if I do my own reading. I can then discuss it with him without the stress of him trying to "teach me" at the same time. Another point on this, I do think I need to know what is going on one way or another. I don't want to stick my head in the sand. If this is an addiction, like other addictions, I need to know about it so I can stand up and state it is not okay. I will not enable him. I will not be with an active addict who is not doing the work to recover. Lucky for me, he is doing everything possible to recover and he has been almost 80 days now with no porn.

I do not agree with what you have said here. His recovery is 100% up to him, it is not conditional on my love for him. It is his work to do and is separate from our relationship.

I am trying to live in the present. I have been focusing a lot on myself and what I need. I have also been focusing on the kids, they are young and take a lot of time and energy. I have several projects underway that I love to do and that make me happy. I'll continue to do these and will pick up some more no doubt. I also will take pleasure in the little things. For example, I'm off now to attack the last piece of a salted caramel cheesecake - that makes me very happy.

Thanks again for the post and taking the time to read my journal.

 

@DireMerl the cheese cake was delicious. I ate every crumb. Yummy. Hubby makes salted caramel macarons. They are ah-mazing.

The news for today is I applied for a few more jobs. One of them got back to me a few hours later (unheard of to hear back from companies so soon) and asked me to go in for an interview. Yay me! Sounds like a great position with a small company. I hope it goes well. Now to do some pre-reading and get myself prepared for the interview!

In other news, the Dude has a double ear infection. Ouch. Poor little boy. He cried all night on Monday. Thank goodness for antibiotics - they kicked in quickly and he's on the road to recovery.

Nothing else to report.

Hubby and I are just plugging along.

Hope everyone is happy and healthy.
TW x

 

Yes, he does have faults but these are massively outweighed by the positives.
He is a really great cook. Baking is his thing. He does a mean macaron. He also does something called a Paris Brest. It has choux pastry, praline (homemade) and a cream filling. If you have never heard of it you should look it up.
http://www.mesdouceurs.fr/archives/2013/12/25/28740036.html
I just love food. And so does my husband. Think that is one of the things we really bonded over.
By the way, If anyone has any great recipes that want to share please send them my way!

 

My grandmother says that is the sign of a truely good cook - not using a recipe.

 

Happy thanksgiving to all the Fapstronauts in the US!

Damn, it's cold. We had snow this week which has since melted. Today, we had a good frost which has not melted at all. I have been here 4 years and am still not used to this climate.

I feel okay about me this week. Getting a job interview was just what I needed to give me a self-esteem boost. I got a hair cut today in preparation. Can't show up looking like a drab old housewife. Time to dust off the work clothes and make a good impression. I need to get back out there, I can feel my IQ plummeting with every episode of peppa pig. I've been at home for a year and a half now, I hope I remember how to do my job. I'm sure it will come back slowly.

In terms of the hubby. Well, things are much the same. I still feel like he is keeping something from me. I don't think he is fapping or watching porn. There is something that is bothering me, I can feel it. I'll ask him about it tonight. Wish me luck.

One of the things that has been hard is the way he has compartmentalized his life. He keeps everything ordered and separate. It is how he had a secret life hidden away from me. I don't trust this way of thinking as I am his wife and I deserve to know everything about him. The good and the bad. I can then support and celebrate alongside him. I feel that this way of thinking has been difficult for him too, it has made it so he can block things out very easily and can use this thinking to, once again, escape reality. Sounds nice in theory to be able to separate your life like that but in practice it blocks your feelings and cuts you off.

I wrote a couple of burn letters this week (for those who don't know what a burn letter is, you write everything you want to say to that person but you never send it). It felt good to write them to the people he cheated on me with. I said all I wanted to say, including many very colorful words, and let go of all the negativity. Very cathartic.

I had a hard time with the burn letter to my husband. I said a lot of really nasty things, and sadly, I meant them. I didn't feel any better after writing it. That made me realise that it is going to take more time to get over this. I just don't think he "gets it". I really do need him to comprehend what I am forgiving him for. He doesn't know what he has caused and how much damage he is responsible for. I have explained several times already, but it feels like he doesn't understand from his reactions. Maybe he's just not ready for that part as yet. For those couples that have got past this part of the process, the wives that have forgiven their partners, did the partners fully understand what they had done? Did you forgive them without them "getting it"?

So, to end on a positive, and in honour of my US friends, here is my list of what I am thankful for:

• The Squeaks - my mischievous little clown. You are a star. A beautiful, intelligent and generous little girl who I love with all my heart. You put the fun into life.
• The Dude - my sunshine. You make me smile, even when you wake me at 4am. You are a little champion. I couldn't imagine life without you even though you have been with us for only 10 months. You make me want to get the most out of every moment of life.
• My husband - I am thankful that I met you and that we continue to be together. You have changed my life for the better. Even though we have "issues" you are still my soul mate. You bring the best out in me.
• I am thankful for my loving, generous and caring family. I miss them everyday but they are just a phone call away. Oh, and I am very thankful for Skype.
• I am thankful that the people I love are healthy.
• I am thankful for my friends near and far.
• I am thankful that I live in a nice house, have good food and some delicious wine in the cellar that I will be raiding later tonight. It is the weekend after all.
• I am thankful that the fish have managed to survive almost 4 months. Well done Daryl and Rick.
• I am thankful for nofap. @alexander, you should be proud of what you have done, building a strong community like this. We are all in your debt.
• I am thankful for the opportunities I have had in life. I am a very lucky girl.

I hope everyone has a great day!

 

Thank you for posting about your experience with forgiving Garnadaan. It does help that there are other

I'd love to have a coffee and shoot the breeze. Think we'd get on great. You have good taste in music and knitting is something that really interests me, even though I have not found time to take it up.

Try some burn letters. They are a great tool for getting it all out. I also write one to porn and one to say goodbye to trust. You can really get it all out without needing to worry about what you say.

I'll keep talking about the affects on me. I really just think he is not ready for it as yet. He is going through a lot of self discovery at the moment and it has been really hard on him. The therapy is making him even more insular. I think there will be a point where this turns outwards, at least I hope that there is. I'll keep talking and hope that one day he understands.

Big hugs x

 

Hello everyone,

Well the interview went okay. I could tell that my level of French would be an issue from the start of the interview. It would be client facing, and the French are very particular about their language. The rest went alright. Turns out I was right and they said no based on my French skills. But the good news is that they want me to interview for a position in their sister company. So it is good news on that front.

The husband and I have been having a great week. We had a big discussion earlier in the week. I told him that I felt he was hiding something and that I felt he didn't understand what I was going through. Turns out that he does know, all too well it seems, but he didn't want to worry me. In his head he was working through all sorts of thoughts, including that he doesn't deserve me or our family because of what he did. He felt like he is a bad husband, a bad father and he was punishing himself by replaying the choices he made so many years ago. He was thinking through all the why he had done these things and was very down about it all. I kept telling him how I felt thinking he didn't understand, but he did and just made him feel worse. I told him he needs to start expressing what is going on in his head so that I know where he is at. He needs to acknowledge that he understands what I'm saying so I don't repeat myself. It is a big step for him to move away from this compartmentalized mentality and to share his secrets and feelings with me. For me, marriage is about sharing your life with someone, the ups and downs, and this is a major thing that he is going through that I should be included in. He sees that this is right and will be doing more to update me.

We have let the communication slip in the past two weeks. Prior to this we would check in everyday to know how each other was feeling. With the visitors and also life being as hectic as it is, we have not been talking as much. We have taken this to be a wake up call that we need to be vigilant and conscious of improving our communications. It is not automatic and habits are slow to change.

So, we have come up with a new game plan. The past is gone, we can't change it. We will acknowledge it but not dwell on it. We are now going to focus on communicating, focus on the future and what we want from our marriage. He is also going to focus on making it up to me. I have asked him to show to me how much he loves me.

So far, it is going great. I really feel like the mood has lifted. I can tell he feels better. It shows through his actions and his disposition. And I feel much easier knowing that he is aware of what he has done and he will be trying to make amends.

It has been almost 3 months since husband has looked at porn. He says he doesn't even think about porn or masterbation anymore. He says the hard bit is the issues behind why he turned to these escapes. From what I gather it stems back to some deep seated insecurities and some issues with his father.

I asked him how he was addressing the porn urges so easily and he said he had taken an approach like he did when he quit smoking one time. If any of you are ex-smokers you may have read the book by Alan Carr. He discusses the addiction monsters That you battle in your head and how to fight them. He has an attitude that you should be happy you quit, and should be celebrating from the time you stop, as that is the moment you become an ex-smoker. It is all about changing thinking from giving up something to gaining your life back when you quit. It seems to working for him, and that is what counts.

I bought a some books this week. Non-violent communication by Chopra, Boundaries by Cloud and European History by Davies (because I need something else to occupy my mind than our issues). I also realise I promised a review of the Barbara Steffens book, and I haven't done that, will do later today if the kids give me time to myself.

Hope everyone has a great fap-free weekend!

 

It really is difficult. I think that for so long he has shut off from me and I have built up some walls, subconsciously, to protect myself. Now that we are aware of it, we are both working on changing those parts of ourself. It makes you vulenerable, like you said.
We find time at the end of the day after the kids go to bed. We talk and then do something together like watch a fav show. By the time I'm ready for bed I am too tired to talk.
I'll keep trying to learn new techniques to open up and talk. If I find anything good I'll pass it on.