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Not having a Girlfriend

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Darkstar 22.84, Dec 14, 2015.

  1. Darkstar 22.84

    Darkstar 22.84 Fapstronaut

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    Well, if there's one thing NoFAP taught me is that having a woman by your side equates respect of self.
    If you don't have that, even if you have good looks, your woman/ girl will smell the lack of respect on you and just leave.

    So what's the hardest for me to endure is coming home to an empty place.
    No one to say 'hi honey' to me, no one to ask me 'how was your day?' and of course no one to kiss, caress and cuddle with me.

    These are all important things that I miss from a relationship.

    I guess, when I'm alone, I focus more on getting into a relationship and when I'm in a relationship, I focus more on getting out of that relationship. Sure, there have been good things mixed with bad things.

    But it seems to me like I only go for the wrong kind of girl. Why? What is it that so attracts me in chicks that hurt me eventually?
    I always end up making compromises with people who make NO compromises.
    What's the deal here?

    Thing is, with time, you get used to loneliness. Hell, you start to crave it. If your intellect is sorta/ kinda high, you're most likely to not get along with the vast majority of people. So what do you do?

    You chose seclusion. You chose books. You chose movies. You chose masturbation.
    Even drugs or alcohol.

    Anything to keep you going, anything to make you forget about the wrongs of this world. Right?

    WRONG!

    First of all (and I'm mostly talking to myself here) not having a girlfriend is your own fault.
    That's right, you heard me!

    Building this WALL of supposed safety around your den, making it harder if not impossible for other people to come in, what good did that do? You just got addicted to porn. Wow, what a surprise, right?
    Well, what did you expect? If you're STILL not showing any signs of normal self-esteem how can you still expect to have a girlfriend in this condition?

    How can you expect to be loved by somebody if YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF?
    What reasons could you possibly have to love yourself?

    Well, if you work hard on becoming a better version of your old self, maybe.. just maybe.
    The idea is to get up in the morning, look in the mirror and go:

    'Hey, that's a pretty cool guy! I wonder what people see in him?'

    Only then will you be free. Work on yourself FIRST and the girl will follow suite.

    Thoughts? Experiences? Share them with me!
     
  2. tyyyr

    tyyyr Fapstronaut

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    Hmm.. What I always where hating and never realised is when people say "I want /need to have a girlfriend".
    I think that is wrong thinking when people say it like that it means they want girl not a girlfriend its when you actually meet that special someone and realise that you like her, you care for her and you want to be with her is when you get a girlfriend.

    I mean obviously relationship will fail if you gonna be looking for girlfriend just because you need her and not because you genue care and well "love" her. You need that spark and not just looks, social status and etc.
     
    project2501 likes this.
  3. taqwa

    taqwa Fapstronaut

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    Well said! All you need is within you now! Stay strong! Win!
     
    GoRob32 likes this.
  4. Ryuk200

    Ryuk200 Guest

    Im in a similar boat. There is a need for companionship indeed. Just a hug from another human being (mainly a female) has good effects, its pretty much why cuddling businesses exist now where men pay to sit and cuddle random women. Im not even gonna complain about this because I've pushed away everyone in my life that loved to be around me and always chased after those who didn't want to give me the time of day which was stupid. Now I'm alone everyday in my own place, the fear of making people think that I yearn for their company or friendship keeps me from interacting with them and that indadvertedly signals to them that they should give me space cause "Im like that" when in actuality Im not and I do want to get to know someone and spend them with them sometimes. Its not easy, yes its easy being alone for the most part because you do get used to it but there are days when its tough and you know that you could benefit from having emotional support on a stressful day. This is most probably why we fap and relapse. I've dug myself in a deep whole by being distant that if I act the opposite people will think Im acting weird and out of character, I probably should've signaled that Im more selective with the people want around me now...

    And theres this one women I want to spend time alone with but its increasingly difficult when people are always around her and I never get any time to even interact with her, I can't help but feel that it will show everything to her but interest and she'll just accept my distant behavior. Im not sure where my life is heading but so far theres never been anything thats ever went right for me and failing to properly attract this women when I know I can given any other place, context and circumstance just Im not meant for that kind of happiness, perhaps the universe has given me things that are lacking in other people lives relatively close to me. I can love another person but I don't want to get attached or get hurt because I know that nothing lasts for ever. I feel terrified and anxious before I even made her my gf and thats not normal so maybe thats a sign that its probably a bad idea.
     
  5. GoRob32

    GoRob32 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the pep talk, I agree with much in it. I've been at this process for over a year now, and although its helped me open up some truths about myself, improved my assertiveness and individuality, this search for normal self esteem has continued to elude me. Its frustrating, cause like many of you guys, I would like someone to come home to, someone to be my partner. I've joined a church with a lot of people my age (20s to 30s), but I've not had any success there, and even an online dating service, but I barely get any replies. (What's ironic is, I've found a couple blogs that are almost screaming with women talking about how they can't get any replies from men online either. It seems to work both ways, very odd.)

    If there's a pity vibe I'm putting out, I wish I knew how to kill it. I've been working on myself so that I don't sound so depressive, that my talk is a bit more positive and encouraging. All in all, I just don't know what to do, but to just hang on and continue working, hoping something shows up. I do appreciate you guys sharing here.
     
    XPiRED and (deleted member) like this.
  6. I am Asian. No offensive. But from conservative Asian idea, we should take care our father and mother, then think about finding a "love". Because if we cannot promise the happiness of our blood love, how can we promise to others.
    I have been single for 22yrs. And I am sure I was never been even crushed by a girl.
     
    Deleted Account and Mighty Wolf like this.
  7. Red Eagle

    Red Eagle Fapstronaut

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    I agree with everything you say. Girls don't like desperate guys and it's just the same the other way around. Men would not really be interested in a clingy woman who wants to be with them because she can't find anyone else. Some would probably take advantage of this situation and have sex with her but leave her after that. Desperation is an unattractive quality in both sexes
    First one has to learn to accept him/herself and then learn to love him/herself. If you can't even accept yourself how can you expect other to do that.
    Always go with the mindset that he/she would be lucky to be in a relationship with me.
     
    GoRob32 and XPiRED like this.
  8. Darkstar 22.84

    Darkstar 22.84 Fapstronaut

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    Kill the hope, man.

    In my homeland, there's a saying "Whenever you least expected it, it will happen."
    This can be a promotion, a surprise vacation, a visit from a friend or a loved one appearing in your life.

    What you project with your mind's eye (believe me, when I say, that shit is powerful) eventually comes true.
    Let's say if you think you'll never get a girlfriend, because you're ugly or poor, or any stupid reason like that, the universe agrees with you.
    Because hey, it's what you want, isn't it?

    I've always considered myself a realist. In truth, I'm a pessimist.
    Good things can't happen, right? Not like that, not to me. WRONG!

    If I think like that, then it's no wonder I'm alone. It's actually my will to be alone. Sure, I can get laid with attractive women.
    But IF I don't like myself, them girls will not want to spend time with me.
    Or worse still!

    I push them away!

    That's right. Imagine this:

    Single guy, suffering from a break-up, for six months or so, gets together with gorgeous tall girl.
    He immediately begins to crush himself and her image. Judging himself, judging her, judging, judging away all that is beautiful and possible.
    Then he drives the girl nuts. He offends her. He tells her she's beautiful but she's not intellectually challenging to him.
    Actually, he never even says he's beautiful to her. She leaves him. Who can't blame her?
    He's alone now. Why? Because he wanted to.

    He never felt okay in the first place , being with a charming, young,tall lady.
    Why?? you ask?
    Well, because he never felt okay with himself. See, he was drinking and masturbating.
    The sex they had (the only time) was pretty bad, mostly because of PIED that he had but had no idea at the time of this.

    And now he's working hard to delete those two habits from his life. His real life peers don't really support him all that much.
    They're addicts too. Addicts fall in denial faster than any other human. Why should they want another guy to succeed?
    When it's more comfortable to fap, smoke weed and drink yourself silly every night...

    That guy is me. And I want to take this time to thank you all for reading my thoughts and sharing your stories.
    You've been more supportive this way than some of my so-called real life friends.

    It's not a waste of time that I'm doing this. In fact, I'm building the Man-of-Tomorrow.
    The Better Me.
     
    XPiRED, GoRob32 and Red Eagle like this.
  9. cuddler

    cuddler Fapstronaut

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    When I look in the mirror I am like wtf is this shit?? But I don't care. I won't approach girls anyway, because I am shy, so why worry about looks? I have a friend who stopped bodybuilding, because even when he got some muscle, girls didn't approach him and he was shy to approach them, so why bother looking good, when you are in a prison of shyness.
     
    XPiRED likes this.
  10. Darkstar 22.84

    Darkstar 22.84 Fapstronaut

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    Right now, I believe this clip explains my situation best...

     
  11. BackToManhood

    BackToManhood Fapstronaut

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    My advice: forget about the girl. Stop making your happiness dependent on this one thing. You need to realize that you can't always control everything in life. You could very well end up being single for your entire life. This is a real possibility. The best thing is to learn how to still maximize your happiness, given these circumstances. Do fun, crazy shit. Save up your money and buy a motorcycle, go skydiving, or whatever. Chase after those things that you really want, be that guy who is totally independent and doesn't need any girl to make him happy.

    Once you're in this mode, then just start talking to random girls. Find whatever reason or excuse and talk to girls you see or meet. Be creative, challenge yourself, see how many interactions you can have in one day. But don't expect anything from it. Just do it for fun, just to see how you develop, or how much you can achieve, how far you can get, and see what happens. But always keep in mind, the baseline you should be operating from: you're just a bachelor who plays by his own rules - could always be this way, but whatever, at least you do what you want.

    When you're living this kind of life, it keeps the desperation away, which is what drives the girls away in the first place.
     
  12. GoRob32

    GoRob32 Fapstronaut

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    "I think therefore I am". Yes, I'm coming around to that way of thinking. I read another piece this evening on a relationship advisor site that said as much. We all may think we're not good enough, or brave enough, but that's only because we think that way. I'm feeling good right now because I'm remembering the way I felt about myself in my teens before a lot of crap happened to me in my 20s. Although, what do you do to help you remind yourself when the old negative thought habits start up? It's a spiraling hole.
     
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2015
    XPiRED likes this.
  13. Darkstar 22.84

    Darkstar 22.84 Fapstronaut

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    But I like women. More than anything
    Well, not really.
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2015
  14. BackToManhood

    BackToManhood Fapstronaut

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    I don't know if you're joking or whatever, but I'll assume you're not. Women are pretty awesome, but it sounds like you like them *too much*. You need a plan, a focus, for your life which has nothing to do with them. Otherwise you will only be in an unhealthy state when you do start a relationship with one, you will be dependent on her, and you will make compromises. This will be unattractive to her, and she will hurt you. The nicest ones, at best, will say that they just don't feel anything for you anymore. Trust me, I've seen it happen, to myself and to others.
     
    Headspace likes this.
  15. Darkstar 22.84

    Darkstar 22.84 Fapstronaut

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    Ah come on! Why the hell are we all here? It's because we watch porn and jerk off!
    Porn has women in it. Nice women, sexy women, naked women.

    I'm an artist. I draw the human form ever since I was 4. You telling me I shouldn't be interested in women??
    I'm not gay nor am I asexual.
    I do not find the man body appealing, I like the female form, I've given up all my bad habits but now you're telling me to what? blind myself?

    I like watching / staring at women. I like beauty. I don't need to feel guilty about being biologically functional.

    As the relationship part goes, I will always make compromises, just like she will. But I will NOT compromise myself, my own beliefs and my integrity.
    I will not cheat, I will not lie.

    Maybe I hurt the chicks I've been too. Have you ever considered that?
    Maybe I'm a big jerk. That's why I'm alone.

    Don't assume you know me just because I'm honest & transparent.
    There's a whole lot about me you don't know.
    Don't treat like I'm a 17 year old virgin, because I'm not.

    Girl told you she don't love you anymore? Big fucking deal! Man up and move on. I've been there, done that
    It's part of growing up.

    You don't need to take shit from others and expect gold in return. That's why nice guys finish last.
    Because they're repressed passive-aggressive hypocrites who feel entitled to a woman just because they act nice to her.In reality it's like this:

    She doesn't owe you anything. You don't owe her jack shit.

    Until you get married. Then and only then, shit gets real.
     
  16. Darkstar 22.84

    Darkstar 22.84 Fapstronaut

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    tl dr version: Yes, I think more about drawing & script writing, than I do about fucking a woman.
    But that doesn't mean I should castrate my mind and not see those beautiful women on the street, when it is them that give me energy and inspire me every day with their presence.

    And yes, you made me so angry because I've heard all that before. Preaching to the choir, buddy.
    Preaching to the choir.
     
  17. Ryuk200

    Ryuk200 Guest

    I thinks that what i might have a bit of, that guilt of liking the female form. I've been shamed for liking girls since i was a kid. I remember the first time I was in kindergarten, someone told this girl I liked her and I didnt say anything cause I was stunned that my friend who yell that and she push me and said "ew", suffice to say I chased my friend to beat him up as he ran and laughed. Theres been many moments in my life where I was made to look fool in similar situations just so my peers can get cheap thrills, this was before I knew how to differentiate between who a friend and who isn't. While I have grown up and more apathetic to it and less embarrassed. I still feel that little guilt and shame and for that reason I hide or avoid girls I like so people dont get the idea that I like them. Its messed up I know.
     
  18. Darkstar 22.84

    Darkstar 22.84 Fapstronaut

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    You're not to blame. People are assholes sometimes.
    Let go of the blame. Let go of the guilt.

    Man + Woman = Nature.

    It's natural, man, to like women. It's natural to like men. Hell, whatever floats your boat.
    What's not natural is to be afraid of acknowledging such attraction.

    You don't have to live your life secluded, in the basement somewhere, like the Frankenstein monster, just because of a little kindergarten accident. Kids can be evil. You are not a kid anymore.

    Go out. Socialize. Share with a woman this story. Don't be afraid. Look her in the eye. Hold her hand.
    Live your life.

    No one out there will do it for you.
     
  19. Ryuk200

    Ryuk200 Guest

    even though I may sound like I fit the stereotype of a basement dwelling man, Im far from it actually lol. But I can see why one would assume that. I'm only like that with the girls I like, I tend to switch it off for the ones I dont like, girls are clubs or bars are easy and I dont care whether or not they reciprocate because eveyone had them so theres nothing special about them. Im only like that and always been with the ones I care about and I think that mentality spoils it cause it tells them that Im not interested, and as you know most girls would never put themselves out there unless they know the guy is interested in them. Its like my brain just thinks about other people around who might get it into their heads that I have a crush on the girl so that reminds me of those shitty times I had so Im like fuck it I dont want to go thru that as an adult.
     
  20. yeah, don't do that. don't let people take advantage of you.
     

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