Question for guys in relationships

It's not you who should compete with porn, it's your boyfriend who has to fight against it. You can be the trigger that makes him realize his problem, but he has to get out of that hole himself. The first thing he needs to understand is that there is an actual problem. Does he try to get rid of his addiction? If he doesn't, despite you explaining everything to him, then you should indeed ask yourself whether having your boyfriend is more important than having your peace of mind.

 

@Sadnurse4 I will try to be honest with you. Girlfriend and porn are in different spheres in general but there is some overlapping. Do you guys still hug and kiss ? no porn can replace that affection. I recognized beauty in my girlfriend in a roomful of women even when I was/am addicted to porn. Porn affects specific part of sexuality and it has nothing to do with you even if you are the most beautiful woman in the world. It is called Coolidge effect( please looks that up..loosely it can be translated to seeking novelty). You have to be shape shifter to overcome Coolidge effect but in the end it is your boyfriend's mind that is broken and that needs to be fixed.
If a person whose eye glasses are broken and cannot see you properly then the solution is to fix the glasses not you

 

Hard to generalize, of course. But for the far majority of couples the answer is a resounding YES!!!.
Porn is like candy - some people eat Hamburgers and drink Coke all the time - not good. But most people just treat themselves with some not-so-healthy food every now and then and still enjoy vegetables and fish - same story for porn and guys.

Well - if he actually and actively and conciously puts you into a position of having to compete with porn - like asking you for sexual practices you are not comfortable with or disrespectfully compares you with porn actresses - then you should question the relationship probably. If not - don't worry too much - see above analogy - vegetable does not have to compete with chocolate and every sane person would prefer vegetable in the long run (I'm not saying you are a vegetable of course ... it's a metaphor - healthy vs unhealthy)

 

I wish I could tell you with certainty that he will beat this, but the addiction is so strong that he has to want it at a guttural level. For many of us here the fight consumes our thoughts frequently all day. Not to say we can't function...there is just a constant undercurrent of resistance that's necessary to thwart the lure of it. One thing that helps drive me are all my failures and how hollow and empty it made me feel afterwards.
I have managed to help other men beat this. If he's willing I would be happy to talk with your BF. Just pm me and I can give you my cell. If he's willing.

 

This is a difficult question to answer being from the other side of the fence. I have been in a committed relationship for almost 5 years now and have been struggling with porn for much longer than that. Maybe 2 years ago I noticed it was having negative effects on our relationship and almost all other aspects of my life, let alone the effects on my girlfriend. Since then... well... the struggle is real at trying to kick the habit but my GF has been endlessly supportive and understanding.

At times, for me personally, all I can think about is porn and it tears my mind to pieces. All I want to think about is affection for my GF and how much I care for her and it wrecks me to find at times I am unable to not think about it unless I take a cold shower for example. I still am sexually attracted to her but porn warps my mind to think I'm not... it's hard to explain. Competing with porn is the worst thing you can do as frankly, as others have said, its the endless novelty that is the attraction of porn. You are a wonderful person but a person, not a chameleon.

As much as it's hard, the thing I find most helpful is when my GF is understanding (as much as you can) when relapses happen and is happy to openly talk about them; most helpfully why they happen and what to do in the future to avoid them. While it is hard to not do it, making him promise it won't happen again just isn't realistic. It's a long road that is full or traps, pitfalls, boulders, potholes, trip wires, giant monkeys with banana skins... you get the idea.

Hope that helps, if you have more questions then go ahead on here or PM me if you would prefer

 

Very good comment, I agree

 

I relapsed after 21 days due to the opposite reason you mentioned. After som time I got extremely turned on by my wife, had fantasies about her all day long every time I saw her. But since we did not have sex because of my PMO it continued to not happen. Then I relapsed.

So my answer is yes, I want to have sex with my GF. I basically climb the walls when I see her.

 

This addiction destroys both the addict and the partner. Recovery is different for each person. Some can stop immediately, but many of us stumble along. A smoker rarely stops on their first attempt. Unfortunately when an addict seeks help it's because the partner has reached the end of their rope. There is very little room left for failed attempts. Its hard to have compassion for someone who's addiction hurts you to the very core. The trust that you start to build up is shattered over and over again as the addict relapses. This often tests the strength and resolve of the partner and the relationship.

In addition to supporting your boyfriend, your feelings of inadequacy may go unrecognized. You have been hurt and deserve some healing. And since the addict is dealing with their own issues, it can leave you feeling very alone. You may even question if all of this is worth it. In this forum we can help YOU to recovery as well.