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Feeling like sh*t. porn&masturbation addiction and UNWANTED cuckold fantasies :(

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Lost Wanderer, Dec 17, 2015.

  1. Dec 17, 2015 #1
    Lost Wanderer

    Lost Wanderer Fapstronaut

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    Hello there. My name is Bart and Im 30. I'm addicted to porn and masturbation. I have also recently had a fetish that's particularly killing me. To be honest that was direct reason why im here. My adventure with M started when I was about 12. I enjoyed it very much from the very beginning. First I did it to discharge sex related pressure. Yet I very quickly started to masturbate to deal with all my emotions. Both positive and negative. Masturbation very quickly turned into my habit and with the time passing it was becoming less and less related with sexual arousment. Since very beginning I have done it 2-3 times a day on average. Its been now about 18 years during which I can count all the times when I did not masturbate (or wasn't sexually active) for more than 1 day. I knew it was wrong but that time it didn't affect my life that much (or I didn't see it) Gradually, masturbation started causing problems in my entire life. With the age of internet I started watching pornography that substituted or limited significantly my imagination I had used before. I masturbated every night watching various porn movies. firstly they were "normal sex" but then I needed more and more weird content like milfs, gangbangs and eventually ended up watching cuckold to get turned on.
    Personally I have been in a relationship for over a year. I have a girlfriend that I love sooo much... but apparently I get extremely excited about someone else having sex with her. To be clear- I DO NOT WANT THAT IN REAL LIFE. I'd rather kill myself than let this happen but these thoughts are my nightmare. I watch such movies and get deeply involved in what the guy having my womam feels and what she feels. I do not want to be too much detailed as I know this can turn on somebody else. After reaching orgasm I start blaming myself and hating myself in short. These thoughts are HORRIBLE and lead me to insanity. I have read some forums about that but most of the people there couraged me to accept this and let it go. I do not want to let it go! As I said I'd rather kill myself than let anybody touch the girl that means everything to me. Im desperated, depressed and hopeless. I hate myself for having such thoughts but on the other hand they turn me on like nothing else.

    Several words about myself now. My self esteem it rather poor I'd say. In my early childhood I was alienated and often humiliated by my peers. I always looked for acceptance. This changed at my high school when I used my sence of humour to make people pay attention to me. I always wanted to stay out the crowd. To be in center. To be a leader. Girls liked me and I liked them. Yet, never felt confident enough to go very close with them ( masturbation was enough for me). At the age of 20 I met a girl I spent 8 years with. So my true sexual life began. She was 10 years older than me so was experienced. We had sex and at the beginning I felt really bad at it. I often lost erection (because of anxiety I think), could not ejaculate in her. In short I felt like a looser. She had a good attitude though and could encourage me saying Im great and did most of things instead of me. Soon I started enjoying it more and more, feeling more confident and all my problems eventually disappeared. I started even taking over the initiative. Later I came up to the conclusion that relationship was not healthy, so after 100 attempts (splitting up- coming back) I eventually managed to finish it. In the meantime I cheated on her couple of times. Sometimes I went to bed with a girl and failed getting erection. I dont know if that was PIED or anxiety. Probably both. To avoid such adventures I took blue pills next times. Anyway I didn't feel well having such sex. I was used more to my hand rather than to vagina so I didn't feel pleasure. I also struggled to ejaculate. This is still my problem today as I dont have regular sex with a woman. The second thing is that I did it to prove myself that I could do it and I can be the best at it. I still needed attention and being told im good
    Couple of months after finishing with my ex I met my current girlfriend. I fell in love with her instantly. After couple of days of being together we ended up in bed but again I failed because of lack of erection. I used my imagination to excuse myself. I Even hid the fact I couldn't get hard. I told her I respected her and did not want to go to bed with her so quickly because she means much more to me. Well this is actually truth but the reason why we didn't have sex that night was my impotency. It's irrelevant to say all these experiences left wounds in my mentality. I eventually managed to have a succesful sex with my girlfriend but I always take some little amount of blue pill just in case. The problem wit that girl is that she is younger than me and she is not experienced one so I have to take the initiative myself. I feel really challenged and simply cannot stand it which makes me feel even more useless. Vicious circle. Furthermore, she likes me to be dominant which I feel even more challenging. I like it but I need some time to "warm up" to give her what she wants. Firstly I struggle with erection but then when I relax and "trust" her it's better. I want her to feel great with me and I don't think about myself really. I love her...
    Yet I feel I suck in the bedroom and that I can't satisfy her. She keeps on repeating Im great and she has never felt that god damn good but I don't believe that and think she says so to make me feel better. Anyway I do not give up and try every time. As I mentioned before we dont have regular sex due to distance (live 300 miles apart) but planning to live together in the spring. Here's another problem I want that but Im scared of taking the responsibility. I have been always told by my family that I cant do anything properly. I dont' know why im writing about that. Perhaps this is all related with my fetish. I just think I cant satisfy her so I want somebody else to do that and this causes sick but extremely strong arousement in my head.
    Couple a days ago I admitted to myself Im addicted and found some masturbation addicts forum (very few people there though). I read some info about pm addiction and changes this causes in brain but as soon as I found out I can reboot I started rationalizing that saying to myself "ok if this is something I can recovery from I'll elapse tonight and start from tomorrow" giving myself right to do that once again.
    Im also alcohol addicted (recovering for 6 years, being sober for 5) so believe me I have already survived much of emotional hell but im losing all my will and power to carry on such life now.
    About my sexual preferences I have had some normal sex before (like oral, vaginal penetration, sometimes went wilder) but this no longer turns me on.
    I have had also foot fetish which I actually accept and like but I cant stand my cuckold fantasies. I feel like a crap, I feel like nothing. I hate myself. Is there any way I overcome it? I dont want myself to be like that. I will never do that in real life but does this mean I have to be sexually annoyed for the rest of my life? Believe me these contradictory thoughts are killing me... Im sorry for my novel and for the chaos but my brain is not working well now. I feel guilty, I feel depressed and the worst side is that the only way to escape is porn again :(
    Thank you and please help me... I want my life back, I want to be happy with the girl I love and be free of these sick thoughts
     
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2015
    Lost Wanderer, Dec 17, 2015
    Lost Wanderer, Dec 17, 2015
    #1
    alone_boy and ilovemyhand like this.
  2. Dec 17, 2015 #2
    CountryDude

    CountryDude Fapstronaut

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    Have you told her about this?
     
    CountryDude, Dec 17, 2015
    CountryDude, Dec 17, 2015
    #2
  3. Dec 17, 2015 #3
    ilovemyhand

    ilovemyhand Fapstronaut

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    Understand that my intention is in no way to dismiss the significance of your individual experience when I say that it reads like a generic example of pornography addiction.

    The wonderful part about your problems being caused by pornography addiction is that you can very effectively deal with all of them by going through a process called "reboot" which basically entails abstaining from all kinds of pornography, masturbation and (preferably, but not 100% necessarily) orgasm - no PMO.

    I've recovered from numerous kind of fetishes that involved women of a very specific look being humiliated in all kinds of extreme ways. In fact, when I had those porn-induced fetishes they prevented me from having sex (I had porn-induced sexual dysfunction) as real sexual opportunities were nothing like what I've grown accustomed to have an orgasm too.

    If you want to recover, don't do that. Instead take as much time as you need to read this and/or watch this. You will understand what you need to do when you're done.

    And you can have all of that :) If you have any additional question or if you just need someone to talk to, write to me here or send me a PM. Good luck! :)
     
    ilovemyhand, Dec 17, 2015
    ilovemyhand, Dec 17, 2015
    #3
  4. Dec 17, 2015 #4
    JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

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    Of course, you know that your cuckold fantasies have nothing to do with your girlfriend, and you know this. Actually, to tell you the truth, I think they actually have little to do with sex even. When we guys are bullied at a young age by other dominant guys (every guy faces some bully at some point in life), some guys develop an extreme sense of woundedness or masculine inferiority. It is for such reasons that many straight men even get twisted fantasies of needing to perform oral on another guy or some such - not because they are gay or even are into that, but they are into their self-fulfilled belief of being inferior/submissive to other men, and needing to submit sexually to them - as one strong image of inferiority played out. In your case, you are having cuckold fantasies for the same reason - you keep playing your victimization tapes over and over within yourself from past abuse or woundedness or inferiority - all great fodder for PMO or other addictions by the way - and these internal looping tapes get sexualized even - where you play out the drama of other men being better with your girl than you are. You let yourself feel the humiliation all over again, which you have been telling yourself that you deserve (you are the voice of your previous bullies to yourself - you have owned the abuse and self-belief, so to speak - you tell yourself as your bullies did, you are that piece of sh*t). Also, other experiences may have played into this brokenness - like bad experiences in sexual performance, etc. There is a guy on here I met that has all kinds of scat fantasies with other men where he is the submissive - again, it has nothing to do with the twisted sexual fantasy per se, as it does with the inner inferiority and woundedness being played out and sexualized in a strong way, repeating those old tapes. Does this make sense?

    The road to recovery, of course, is to stop covering up the pain with addictive behavior - like PMO, drugs, alcohol, smoking, whatever, since the addictions are just an ill-attempts to escape the pain, even as you play out the pain. You need to learn to contradict the old messages from the bullies - you are good, you are worthy, you are valued, you are loveable, you are a perfectly normal male, you have masculine virtue and strength. You need to learn to love yourself in all these wounded places and let others love you, too, and if you are a believer, let God love you on ever deeper dark levels of your inner brokenness - again and again over time - and eventually God's light will bring healing where it needs to be in the deepest recesses of your soul.

    Your are worthy, my friend, and valued. Best Wishes!
     
    JoeinUSA, Dec 17, 2015
    JoeinUSA, Dec 17, 2015
    #4
    Sebastiannaciente, Deleted Account and Wildstar like this.
  5. Dec 17, 2015 #5
    Lost Wanderer

    Lost Wanderer Fapstronaut

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    Thank you guys for you replies. This is what I really NEEDED to hear as I lost all my hope.
    My other problem may be dopamine addiction. Having read a lot of articles on ybop as well as your replies and your stories I came up to the conclusion that during the period I drank, I had 2 ways of causing my brain to produce it. The first was obviously alcohol itself and the second one was pmo or mo. At the time I eventually noticed alcohol had harmed my life I started my recovery. Yet I was still unaware of the other addiction I had had. After therapy and aa meetings I managed to stay sober but my second addiction kept growing. This all seems to give me more complement image of myself and my ways of escaping from life and responsibility. As I have already stated I admitted being pmo addicted and started facing it. So far my way looks like- 3 days being clear (that's my record ever btw) 2 days of relapse (1 day pmo'ed 7 days, 2 day 2 times) 1 day clear and today I relapsed again (pmo'ed 8 times) The days I elapse I masturbate much more than my average is. Also, what I found terryfying is my behaviour during clear days. This all started when I became conscoius of my addiction and tried to control myself. Before that I just didn't understand anything and masturbated 2-3 times a day without actually thinking of it at all. Yesterday I was clear but I was haunted by intensive urges and sex related thoughts. They were circulating around me and attacked me every ten minutes, lasted for another ten, disappeared and so on and on. They were extremely hard to resist and caused stress, anxiety and feeling of isolation or even insanity. I felt like a freak. But the worst thing happened when I came back home after my work. During the years of pmo I acquired a habit of m before going to sleep. I knew that and I knew this would be going to be difficult to survive. When I went to my bed I tried to fall asleep but these urges and sick thoughts came back. They were so obsessive that I rolled on my bed as if I was haunted by a demon. I felt terribly, couldn't make them leave me alone. Then I just didn't know what to do with my hands. I felt like starving drug addicts do. I felt I had totally no control over myself and ended up hurrying from my bed, turning on porn and masturbating. After that I realized what happened and again felt guilty and hopeless. Then I just didn't care and carried on masturbating as I knew I had already failed. I did it couple of times in a row causing huge dopamine boost. After that I just felt a headache and slept for most of the day. I have difficulties with gathering my thoughts, with concentrating on simplest activities. I feel like a plant now. All I do during my relapses is sleeping and pmoing. I have no power for anything else. I suspect this might be dopamine addiction because since I gave up drinking I ve masturbated and sometimes done compulsive shopping just to keep my dopamine at a high level
     
    Lost Wanderer, Dec 17, 2015
    Lost Wanderer, Dec 17, 2015
    #5
    Framones likes this.
  6. Dec 18, 2015 #6
    someguy-21

    someguy-21 Fapstronaut
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    Thanks for sharing your story Lost Wanderer I really appreciate you sharing. I want to say that you're definitely making progress by deciding to join the community here. I'm a younger guy (20) and in college, and I've discovered my porn addiction I've had for years over this past summer. Like you, I started M'ing and using P to cope with both positive and negative emotions. It became compulsive and still is today to a degree. I hit a low point two semesters ago, I was depressed and had no friends for a whole semester due to what I know realize to be an addiction to porn and masturbation. My relationship suffered because of my addiction and it ended up costing me a relationship with my first and only girlfriend. Our relationship was almost two years long and it was wonderful. Porn ruined it, I became distant and unemotional. I became unable to orgasm and it really would make her feel bad. Once I let her know about my addiction she felt betrayed and hurt beyond words could describe. We tried to cope with it but we ended up breaking up because of damages we both needed to work on individually, we just were not fit to work on ourselves or together at that point in time while in a relationship. She was amazing, still is and I love her very much. I don't know if we'll ever get back together... With that said, I thank you for opening up and sharing your challenges. I thank everyone else for commenting as well. I had recently stumbled and relapsed and now I'm back on day one and I have a counter to show for it lol. I have had a streak of almost two months and what I can recall from it is that my life was just Better. Over this past semester I limited my porn and masturbation as best I could at the time and I started to make friends and girls showed more interest in me. I really recommend emotional integration, sitting with your emotions and being one with yourself to overcome the addiction. Teal Swan has a video going over this and I think its spot on correct... here's a link... Best of Luck Ps. Luck is not just Luck
     
    someguy-21, Dec 18, 2015
    someguy-21, Dec 18, 2015
    #6
  7. Dec 22, 2015 #7
    Dogwood

    Dogwood Fapstronaut

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    Dogwood, Dec 22, 2015
    Dogwood, Dec 22, 2015
    #7
  8. Dec 22, 2015 #8
    Framones

    Framones Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing your experience. Well, i won't hide it i have developed the same fetish as you an just as you i find it very disgusting.

    You know that's the product of porn usate which bring US escalating from "normal" to "hardcore". The point is: how can we get back from this? I have few ideas:

    -first of all stop watching any kind of porn because cuckolding is only our dream to have porn realized in our REAL life. Now we realized that porn is only an industry just like fast food which makes money upon our health. So there's Another reason to not give a fuck to those people making money on our health
    -second: i lost a relation due to porn. I felt less attracted both phisically and sentimentally to my ex GF. I regret the choice to break up but now i have to deal with it. Now if i was in a relation right now i'd only think about letting me go, no matter what it could happen to my sexual life. Everything happens it's just me and if it happens i don't care it will get better from helping myself and from embracing help from my partner. I mean sexual life is important in a relation, but there's no sex without love.
    -three: while having sex or making anything with your GF (but it's also to the others) focus only and i say only to make her/them feel good by words by acts and so on.
    -four: porn is a film. I haven't seen any Gollum in REAL life such as i haven't seen any cuckolding in REAL life. That's fake it doesn't exist.


    I tried to to my best as i am dealing with your same obsession
     
    Framones, Dec 22, 2015
    Framones, Dec 22, 2015
    #8

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