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Last night with GF could've not gone worse!

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Fappernator, Dec 23, 2015.

  1. Fappernator

    Fappernator Fapstronaut

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    Hey this is a post from my journal but wanted to share to get advice and support!

    Ok so last night with the GF could've not gone worse!!

    ***warning: possible negative post***

    I thought 3 months apart, daily kegel practice, eating right, working out and drinking plenty of water would of cured my PIED!

    We got down to business I could only muster a semi, I went down and pleasured her and then it was like a cocktail sausage! Managed to get it back to a semi but then the condom came out and good bye semi!

    I just feel disappointed and embarrassed...felt like a cry earlier! I mean it makes me feel like a pussy!

    Managed later to have sex, all rushed because of the fear of losing it, and then came in like 2-3 minutes!! Wtf!

    I tried to get out my head and be in the moment but all I kept hearing in my head was "keep it up, oh no don't lose it!" Then I see that she's noticed and well that's the end of it!

    Just makes me not feel like a man...it's a natural thing and i can't even do it properly!

    Just not sure how to go about this now!

    Any help guys?
     
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2015
  2. Keemo

    Keemo Fapstronaut

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    Two things I learned during my last reboot regarding having sex with my girlfriend are the following:

    1- Penis sensitivity during sex IS restored by a reboot
    2- BUT the strength of your erections are rather affected by your mindset

    In point (2), I learned that you should have a "dominating" mindset in bed in order to have strong erections. If you are worrying about pleasuring her, and stressing about your performance, then your body will go in "submission" mode rather than "domination" mode and you will lose your erection.

    My advice to you based on my personal experience, is to get used to the golden rule that "if YOU are happy in bed, she is happy in bed". So think about arousing yourself FIRST, and by the law of state transference she will automatically become aroused.

    Things to consider for stronger erections:

    - talking dirty so that you are always present in the moment and not lost in your thoughts

    - man-handling her playfully and passionately to keep the dominating frame

    - MEDITATION (this is extremely important as it will provide you with control over your ejaculations)

    - A book that helped me a ton in bed is "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida as it will explain to you that the strength of your erections is a reflection of your attitude towards life itself. Therefore, if you build your resistance to life's bullshit and embrace your masculine role in this world, it will automatically reflect "downstairs".

    This improved my sexual life, and I hope it works for you as well. Good luck.
     
  3. Fappernator

    Fappernator Fapstronaut

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    Eye great response thanks! That books come up a couple of times now...time for me to buy I think!

    The sensitivity i think is there but yeah definitely mindset!

    I think I came into the bedroom with a dominating mindset but when I noticed I wasn't getting strong erections my mindset fell apart.
     
  4. Fappernator

    Fappernator Fapstronaut

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    My GF is pretty alpha female herself but yeah I just need to man up and out alpha her ha! She's very strong willed and dominant in her every day life.

    It makes it worse when she always assumes it's because something she has done, which puts more pressure on me
     
  5. plongeur

    plongeur Fapstronaut

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    Second that
     
  6. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Give it some more time man. I think your erections will return in due course, but it does take time (like months).
    Until then, assuming you want to continue having sex with your girlfriend, you could focus on other areas of love making other than the penetration. Personally, I think the assumption that you need to "out-alpha" her is bullshit. This isn't a case of "manning up". Your junk needs time to heal and regain sensitivity. This is a physical issue, not a mental one. Don't go thinking you're not good enough just because you can't hold it up for your girlfriend. Perhaps you could lightly broach the issue with her. I think finding a balance (with sex) until your dick comes right would lead to the most satisfactory situation between you and her when it comes to love making.
     
    TakingTheSteps likes this.
  7. j.wel

    j.wel Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I have to agree with more time. My experience so far with ED and PIED is a positive frame of mind and thoughts can really help, but also to relax, and allow time for this process to happen. I always have to remind myself about the time! And allow myself to relax into where I am at the moment, it takes to pressure off and perhaps allows things to move a little of change.
     
  8. Fappernator

    Fappernator Fapstronaut

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    Yeah it will take time I just assumed 5-6 months since quitting porn would of done the trick.

    I think I need to practice being in the moment more but as soon as I sense problems down there, that's all I think about
     
  9. Fappernator

    Fappernator Fapstronaut

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    Just done done research and well the past week I've been on a low carb diet, not intentionally, I just really upd
    My fat intake to probably about 50% of my calories and ignored the carbs, I read that low car. High fat diets can cause ED which makes sense as the week before I was getting random hard erectoons

    Obviously I will have to test this out, I'll let you guys know.
     
  10. constrictedvoid

    constrictedvoid Fapstronaut

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    Stop drinking "plenty of water" and drink to thirst, that may be the single most effective change you can make. Also, eat to appetite, whatever you eat.
     
  11. numpty

    numpty Fapstronaut

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    You mention 3 months apart. Does this mean you were rebooting for three months or you didn't see your girlfriend for three months and you edged / PMO?

    It's not clear what you did.
     
  12. j.wel

    j.wel Fapstronaut

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    While on the subject of diet, there are also some natural foods that kind help with remaining hard if that is what you are wanting. Also I think noticing what changes in your diet may be having an effect also is really good.
     
  13. Fappernator

    Fappernator Fapstronaut

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    Don't think I've ever heard that one! Can't imagine drinking more water could hurt you, our body is mostly water and the fact I workout loads and staying rehydrated helps basically ever system in the body function properly..sounds like broscience.

    Hey Numpty we were 3 months apart were I relapsed 3 times edge and then MO, never to porn.
     
  14. numpty

    numpty Fapstronaut

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    You need hard mode three months.

    Also you might be in flatline or partial flat line hence performance issues?
     
  15. bomonti

    bomonti Fapstronaut

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    I had a smilar experience. If you wanna check out: http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/awkward-sexual-experience-in-reboot-day-95.54722/
    I think it's not uncommon to have creepy sex after or during reboot. It's just like not many people talk about it. Also, I think it's some kind of sign. What sign? I have no clue but a positive feeling that it's gonna be fine soon. 90+ days of no O then a sex opportunity, it's pretty normal to freak out a bit, isn't it? Take care bro!
    + @Keemo You make great sense man. You just explained features that I have only when I am having good sex. Thumbs Up!
     
  16. Keemo

    Keemo Fapstronaut

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    Thanks dude! :D
     
  17. Dogwood

    Dogwood Fapstronaut

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    Not sure how long you've been rebooting, but she needs to get educated and be patient. Give her this: Boyfriend Quitting Porn? 5 Tips | Your Brain On Porn

    Don't push yourself to perform if it's not happening. Just spend some quality skin-to-skin time instead.
     
  18. From a woman's perspective:

    This is just ONE woman's perspective, though. Obviously I can't speak for your girlfriend, just from my personal experience.

    Sex is absolutely not all about penetration. It's just about pleasing each other and being intimate together. Personally, sorry to disagree so strongly here, but the "out alpha each other" thing is crazy talk to me.... I've quite literally JUST read a book that I love and that has given me so much wisdom that says this: "The discerning lover approaches the experience knowing that the keenest pleasure comes from the exquisite joy of pleasing the beloved." I even highlighted that sentence when I read this book years ago, and I still agree. If anything, I would think of sex as "out pleasing each other" and would not advise to focus so strongly on your own pleasure. Isn't that the kind of selfish mindset we're all here to try to get away from? How is bringing it into the bedroom going to make things better?

    All that being said, I obviously know what y'all meant by that, and I understand it and agree with it to some degree. You are trying to steer clear of the fear of failure and the pressure to perform. That makes sense, and obviously that will help to maintain an erection, because a lot of that could be a mental block. But if you really want to a have a great sexual experience, putting the other person first is the only way, in my book. (And I'm not just saying that because I'm a woman... I, also, strive to put my husband's pleasure above my own. If we're both giving, then we're both, naturally, going to be receiving as well.)

    I would focus on remembering that sex, for a woman (again, I can't speak for all women, but in general and for me, at least), is much more than just PIV stuff. In fact, most of the time, I don't really care that much about that part of it at all. I'd be perfectly content with just doing other stuff. So don't worry too much if you have ED problems at times -- the important thing is to not let that end the entire sexual experience.

    Here's the pattern that happens all too often... guy can't keep it up, guy feels embarrassed and retreats thus ending the sexual experience, woman feels like "well apparently all he cared about was getting pleasure himself, because now that he can't he's just done," woman misinterprets the situation and feels self conscious about herself, like the problem may have been her fault, etc. etc. This whole cycle of confusion, sadness, embarrassment, and misinterpretation can be ended if you just cut out step two. Don't leave, keep on keepin on. Show her that the momentary issue you're dealing with doesn't mean you're any less excited about her or any less happy to give her pleasure. You have other body parts that are effective, so use those ones. Then, who knows? Maybe after continuing to play you'll find your little friend has come out again to join the party.

    Another important note: I think the notion of "if you're pleased, she's pleased" is somewhat true, but I think it should be viewed and approached in an opposite way. Because if you reverse that, you'll notice, that if she's pleased, you're pleased. Focusing on pleasing your girlfriend is not, by any means, a bad thing. You just have to work through the fears and pressures you're putting on yourself to be perfect. Pleasure doesn't come from perfect technique, it comes from love. If you love her and desire to please her, show her that and it will happen. I know for me personally, if a guy is getting frustrated about ED problems, my mindset is, "Well how about we just do other stuff then? Why does this just have to be over?"

    Side note: I do apologize if any of this sounds insensitive to your feelings, as men, when you're having this problem. Trust me, I really do understand how difficult and embarrassing it must be. I'm not trying to belittle your feelings or tell you to just get over it, and I'm certainly not questioning why this is an issue. I understand why, and I empathize with you. I'm just trying to provide some objective insight into the female mind and what she is probably thinking in those moments. You'll notice what she's probably not thinking is how stupid and unmanly you are. That's all in your head -- I know it's easier to say that than to believe it, but work on believing it.
     
    Fappernator likes this.
  19. Fappernator

    Fappernator Fapstronaut

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    Ok too confirm my suspicion and to give you guys an update...it was the lack of carbs in my diet, this past week i have increased my carbs to a somewhat normal level, mainly from potatoes, wholewheat pasta and oats...and obviously veg!

    Well seen my GF the last couple of days and i was up all 4 times!! Without effort! It was the best it's ever been and the sex was f****g awesome! The forth time it was slightly on and off but we played around i made her orgasm orally then she learned some new tricks and wam bam thank you mam i got her to O by penetration!

    Thanks for all the support anyway guys i really appreciate it and i have read each and every one and like all the point you've made. Just though id need to give this update if anyone else is on a low carb diet and was experiencing similar.

    I was out of my head more as well as i felt more confident and after a while we seemed to be one when having sex, feeding of each other sexual energies...It was like nothing i have ever experienced!
     
    TakingTheSteps likes this.

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