Starting Over

Hello. Tried this whole forum thing once, never really got the hang of it. But, at this point, I figure I have nothing to lose and insight to gain. Over the past year I've decided to turn my life around. That includes breaking into the old closet and clearing out some skeletons.

There was a time in my life, well, relatively early in my maturation, where I discovered porn. Innocuous (I believed at the time) text, referring to larger women. For me, the basis of my problems have been size. Always could be taller, bigger, or larger, any part of the human anatomy. From text, I went to comics mostly, with the occasionally, very poorly acted, live action adult situations. But the comics were, and to a degree, still are.

Now, from larger and taller women in comics, it turned to larger phallic body parts. This is where I feel that I had tripped myself up. I was looking for something to push my fantasies forward, so they still felt "ambitious". I had become bent on disturbing patterns of thought, behavior and unrealistic expectations.

Now, for me, I know that there are people out there, who have seen and done worse, and people who would see what I have seen and be terrified. I have seen some disturbing, unrealistic cartoons, with vague age scenarios, familial incest situations, massively oversized phallic body parts, and the like. Now, the problem is rooted within the first 2 that I mentioned, the vague age incest cartoons. I could accept that the others were products of my original fantasies, however, when I got to those aforementioned topics, I became mortified with myself after the fact.

My problem, and I believe a lot of people go through this, is that I was ok with what I was doing at the time, and didn't pay too much attention to it. However, about a year ago, I was in a relationship and was on the way to build up a small family. During this time, I had a flashback and reminded myself of what I had seen, and I tried to reach out to my partner at the time, and she was mortified with my actions and behaviors, effectively ruining the relationship.

For a long time, I had taken that personally, I found a new companion, who I want to marry, who has helped me through so far. It's been something that has been gnawing at the back of my mind for far too long. Now, I have had relapses in the past, however, not to that original vague material. I am mortified still as to what I have seen and did, and I am slowly realizing that I am not a bad person, and that I can come to terms with my life, and move forward. For a long time, I was terrified to be around those younger than I, and I think there is still a sense of doubt of my abilities to move forward, but I have noticed that I have been getting better.

At the end of the day, I realize that there is a lot of unlearning to do on my part, and work towards learning about my issues and moving through them.

So, that's why I'm here, I'm laying out my foundation for a quieter brain and a happier life.

 

I think mainly I'm looking to change my thought patterns, my sense of control, letting go of my guilt and resentment towards myself and finding out who I am on the inside, and bringing that to the forefront.

Thanks

 

Thanks. I've basically, at this point, turned my back on P&M. I just don't want to fall into that lifestyle and toxic mindset again. It's already cost me quite of bit of time and energy. This is kind of acting as a sounding board, as I choose to move away from that sort of unrealistic and vulgar stuff, towards a happier future with the love of my life. I think this is for my own catharsis, as well as just a bit of moral support. I've read some testimonials on here, and they seemed to be helpful in getting me to make the first steps. For me, to just have my story out there in a safe, nurturing environment, and committing to myself to move forward, is what I need to put this water under the bridge.

 

Gotta love Autocorrect and spellcheck...

I think I've moved on past the stages of initial shock and disbelief of what I had seen and done, but moved on towards mentally reminding myself of what happened, and continually drudging things up. I'm assuming this is normal behavior, when trying to move forward. Mainly, it's not so much the action that I am reminded of, but rather the guilt, and the feelings of remorse and contempt for my behavior. There is always that form of doubt that I am a terrible person, and there are some times, where it's hard to come to believing that I have moved forward enough for my liking. I wonder if anyone else has had similar experiences with that. I think at this point, porn sort of acts as a trigger, and a root cause of the greater problem of guilt and learning to forgive myself. So I figure, by addressing and distancing myself from the root, it will make that accountability and acceptance of my actions as a mistake and a stupid decision all the more real.

 

On Guilt and Responsibility;

Often times, in my "recovery" so to speak, I have found myself racked with moments of intense guilt and doubt in my progress. I am sure this is an all too familiar situation for some of you. So, I've decided to think a bit deeper into this, and I think I might have a reason for it. Now, as always, YMMV, but for me, this is why I think it happens.

It all comes down to the nature of human responsibility and trust. That sense of humility that is innate in people can be lost after events that lead us all here. We might feel disgusted with ourselves, and sometimes, if you let someone in, they could potentially feel disgusted about you. So, when that situation happens, people try to deflect, they try and pass off whatever they have done and excusing it. They try and claim it wasn't a big deal. I will argue that, yes, it is a big deal, as it comes from a point of abnormal psychology, or addiction. Conditioned responses, learned behaviors. Now, for me, after kind of confessing this experience, I found myself with a bit of a void in my mind. Usually, this would take up most of my thoughts, not the action so much as the reaction and emotional feedback that comes with it. Now that I've been working towards taking things in stride, and working on clearing the mind, I believe that I am experiencing sensory overload. I think a lot of us can relate to feelings of isolation, and sometimes, actually physically isolating ourselves, feeling like monsters, terrible people, whathaveyou. But by working on releasing whatever has been holding people like us back, can create a void, it can create vulnerabilities. You may see things differently, feel differently, and react differently. For me, I've been flooded with a lot of conflicting feelings, but I know that it my brain telling me to open up and let new things in for a change. I'm noticing the world outside my head, for better or worse, and I think it's helping me to develop as a more complete person.

In truth, I think the new void can be a curse and a blessing, a curse, because a lot of times, people have been comfortable with hiding who they are, hiding whatever pain they feel, but at the same time, by opening ourselves up, it is a blessing, as it allows us to regain some of our humanity, and humility to take things in stride.

 

On Labelling and Doubt

I think one of the major challenges I have faced within my experiences has been owning up to what I had did, without labelling myself. Mostly because I believe that labelling isn't an accurate judge of character in my specific scenario. Now, my issues seemed to have stemmed from that earlier fixation with size, that dopamine thrill, I guess you could say. However, as I developed and "matured", I moved towards that live-action giant stuff. Kind of bizarre, but still within my realms of comfort. After a while, I had basically abandoned live action for cartoons. All shapes, all sizes. Scary scenarios to the downright ridiculous. My problem is that with the vague age cartoons, I didn't see them as disturbing originally. It was following the dopamine size trip. However, after seemingly moving past it and forgetting, I remembered. I think it had always subconsciously bothered me, but I didn't really know how to address it. I have been and will continue to be, a loving and compassionate older sibling, cousin, uncle, and possibly father one day, but I am not going to let my past determine my future. The stuff I have seen, was definitely set up as a gateway to possibly more disturbing content, but at the same time, it was a cartoon. I think in the back of my mind, I never really had any interests or desires into that type of world, and I refuse to label myself as a one who would be into that sort of thing. After speaking to some trusted confidants, the general consensus was, that while it was still disturbing, it wasn't a real thing, it was some poorly drawn cartoon, with an exaggeration of an idea. Something designed to peak curiosity, and to dehumanize. While many who I have talked to have seen it as silly nonsense, there have been some who were naturally offended. I don't blame them. But at the same time, I am tired of blaming myself. I know what I saw, I was conscious for it. But I do not need to be reminded of my guilt, nor do I need to make it worse for myself. It is my past, and I have been making some intense progress in the last year to turn that corner. I think I don't take it as seriously any more. I think I have my moments of doubt and lack of trust in my capabilities, but I also think that is part of the healing process. Remembering, so you don't make the same course of action again. Forgetting, once you've charted out a new course for yourself. Letting go, once you set sail towards your future.

 

On Memories

I think throughout the process of recovery, it is inevitable to think about our past selves, the people we were long ago, and possibly still desire to be. I think after going through something relatively disturbing and traumatic, our minds tend to replay and remind us of the events. The memories of innocence, or rather, the concept of innocence lost probably acts as a driving force to clear our conscious thoughts and actions from our minds. I often find myself thinking these days "what went wrong, and when?". Is it part of development that people grow and see horrible things in the world? I'm not sure if I know the answer, or if I would be qualified to speak for anyone else. I think my memories recently, have been a reminder of what I had, and act as a reminder and a catalyst for fear. But I'm also realizing that it is ok to work through that fear. Things are looking up, getting better, improving all the time. I'm realizing that it is not really a fear at all, but more of a reminder to stay vigilant, and that it is in my past. No sense in wasting the time to get worked up over, even if it is in my character to do so. Memories, dreams, emotions, all act as reminders and possible triggers, but it is important to know that as with anything with a trigger, there can also be a safety switch. It's all about finding some comfort, in my scenario, with the trigger, and comfort with the realization that, I am ok, moreso than I give myself credit for sometimes.

 

On Dreams and Reality

A lot has happened within the last week. Got back to school for the new term, and it so happens that I ended up having a class with the one I was with so long ago when this whole issue started. I've been mulling about it for a week now, and it's a little difficult to wrap my brain around. It's been about 10 months since this whole shindig started, and while I've grown significantly during this time, I still feel that there is that reminder of the way things are and were. I found myself trying to compete internally, to try and prove to myself that I am better and stronger than I was, and that I can prove to her that I am better, or stronger or whatever. At the end of the day though, I don't have anyone to really face but myself. I have the love of my life now, and I am moving forward in ways that I hadn't thought possible. Last night, I had a dream between the past and present women of my life, coexisting and getting along, relatively speaking. I think I'm telling myself that it's time to make peace with the past, once and for all, and recognizing that it is a part of my everyday life. I have spent far too much time dwelling and drudging up old memories, but they aren't giving me new directions or information. Just a lot of wasted time.

So, I've been trying to work on making time for the things that are important to me. It's a tricky slope to climb, but I'm making great progress, and I deserve to give myself a pat on the back once in a while and not take things so seriously.

 

On Dreams and Biology

It all started with a dream, many miles back on the road. I wasn't sleeping too well anyways, but this scared me. I had dreamt that I felt love for my at the time, step daughter. I felt myself thinking that she was cute, and it horrified me. I tried to explain how disturbed I felt to my then-girlfriend, but I couldn't get the words right, I couldn't articulate my feelings. I couldn't explain how sick I felt. Today reminded me of that. I remembered a time that I was looking for a pair of shorts, and how I decided to smell them to see if they were clean. It turns out, someone else had worn them. The smell disturbed me, as I knew who it was, and I have been living each day with this person there. Living with a reminder in the back of my head. I could never articulate it properly, I could never explain how sick it made me feel. I can never explain why I feel the need to still smell my clothing. Until today. I think today reminded me that, my urges to make sure I am wearing clean clothes, to keep myself clean by extension, comes from my biological sense of self. I want to feel comfortable, and the thought of discomfort scares me. I tend to isolate myself, tend to push back against anything that I feel is "dirty", no matter how irrational it is. I feel that I need to always check my environment, to check the people around me sometimes, to see if they are influencing me. Sometimes, most of the times, this is latent. But I think that fear has been pushing me away from a decent understanding of who I am. I've been too afraid to realize that everyone has their own issues. I've been too afraid to feel vulnerable and dirty. I think the reason those cartoons got to me, was because they struck that chord in my life. They reminded me of my own uncomfortable feelings around my family, even if they are primordial, biological. It doesn't make them any less real or disturbing. But, I think it's time that I give that part of my brain its due diligence, and by talking through it, I've come to understand that these things are inate and latent within everyone. It is all about the choices we make, and the actions we choose. Everyone might think the same way at some point, but by not acting on them, I think that the act of suppression comes into play. However, if we think about them, try and figure out why, then let them go, I think we can move forward. So, it is time to act. Time to be more responsible over the brain and the biology of life. I'd rather think than act, and one day, I'll keep thinking less and less until things resolve themselves. I've already noticed great improvement, and it's been nearly a month since I've seen any P, let alone, MO'd. Sure, it is inevitable to run into it, in everyday life, but I choose my actions, and by choosing my actions, I can choose my thoughts and impulses too. Things are always going to get better, and things do take time.
But patience, love, and understanding have helped me immensely, and they will continue to propel me forward.

 

On Success and Dependence

Yesterday was my 7 month anniversary, with my lovely fiance. I consider her to be the most important person in my life. There have been many, many times over these last few months where I have felt myself becoming too dependent on having emotional support, and not trusting enough in my own abilities to deal with my circumstances and situations. Today, I decided to change that. I decided to look at P. So I did. I have no intentions on M/O to it, but I felt it was time to confront my emotions, my fears, and my anxieties head on. It has been a month for me, since quitting. So, I thought I would see where my progress was, and affirm to myself that things are working. The results, a bit shocking for me, spoke volumes. I had no intentions, no desires, no fear, and no guilt. If anything, I felt disturbed by the distortions of reality and perception. I felt disturbed by the amount of views that my catalyst had. I felt disgust with myself, knowing that this is available for such mass consumption. But at the end of the day, I felt in control. I chose to revisit P. I chose to not be interested, and to my surprise, I don't think I needed to. That was the shocking part. I didn't need to force myself to not feel anything, it kind of just happened. Even now, when I close my eyes, the reflections are seared into my memories for the time being. But it doesn't hurt. It's a reminder of how far I have come, and how far I am willing to move forward, to get past this. I admit, there were times where the brain was curious to see how much my tastes have changed, and I'm pleasantly surprised to say that, 99.57% of any feelings of attachment have subsided. I will continue to be vigilant for those .43% outliers. I believe in myself. I believe that the percentage, are not accurate measures of who I am. That percentage is the doubt and sway of an inaccurate reflection of myself. Trying to pull me down, trying to belittle my accomplishments. And for a brief moment, I had considered it, but that moment did pass, as that progression and moving forward, has allowed me to have the life I do now. I am grateful for each moment, even times when my brain tries to defeat me. When the mind becomes a hyperactive epicentre of guilt, doubt and fear, I know that I can weather the storm. The only person, up to this point, that I have truly been hurting is myself. And by allowing that hurt to fester, I have seen what it can do to hurt others. Actions have consequences, but then again, so do choices. I chose to move forward, and I will keep moving forward. I deserve my happiness, and I deserve the love of my life, despite my internal detractors. I have earned it. I will work each day to keep what I have now. I love my life, I love my fiance, and I love myself, through the good and the bad, even when I might not think that I do. I know it to be right in my heart. Because, I have felt love, and through love, rejuvenation.

 

On Feelings and Remembrance

This has been sort of an interesting week. I have found myself clouded with doubt and insecurities. I've found that my memories have been coming back to me in force. Reminders of P. Reminders of past lovers. I've been finding myself this week sort of overcome and bogged down with these emotions. I find myself feeling that I could fall back into the life of P at any time. I found myself having confusing thoughts, confusing attention for attraction. It seems like my brain keeps sending me mixed signals. But, I have not slipped, I have not relapsed. I think what is happening is that I am reaching a bit of a plateau in my progress, where I was starting to feel comfortable with moving past stuff. I think my brain is trying to remind me of that life, to hold me back from my happiness, and to try and force those feelings on me. I've also been practising dealing with this feelings head on. I let them fester, I let the confusion grow, and then I question the feeling. I challenge these notions. It's difficult at times to completely shake them off, but that will come with more time and more practice. I'm finding myself coming to a crossroads. The brain wants to pull me down, but I know my heart has other intentions. I've been listening to much to my mind, and I have been starting to follow the heart more often. With love and patience, I am getting better at handling my emotions, handling my experiences. This will obviously get better with time and practice, and there are times this week where it has felt daunting. In retrospect however, the brain is silly and irrelevant, trying to hold me to a life that I don't want to have anymore. One that I do not have anymore. I've moved on and I will keep moving forward, regardless of the old noggin wanting to keep me down. I have the power, I have control.