Creepiness

I think creepiness is horseshit. If a woman is attracted to a guy (say, Channing Tatum), that guy is being an "alpha" and is considered proactive if he pursues her. If that same woman isn't so attracted to a guy he's being "creepy". To avoid being labeled as the latter, you have to be honest with a girl. If you're attracted to her, tell her so. It's going to be uncomfortable and you might upset some people. But ultimately you're in control of your own destiny.

Now this doesn't mean going up to random chicks at the grocery store or your co-workers and asking them to come over to your house to fuck. But when we stop associating sexuality with perversion and stop typecasting attraction as a negative thing we progress as humans. Or better yet we regress. We go back to a time before societal opinions affected who we were and how we acted. Our mind becomes clear and our intentions equally so.

Will you offend some girls? Sure. But think of that as a filter. You're avoiding the women who fall for pretense and horseshit and getting closer to the woman that connects with you on ALL levels.

 

From my own perspective of "creepy", it is the feeling that something isn't right or that you may be in danger. Women who think you are creepy are probably feeling you one way and seeing you another. When the feeling they get from you does not match what you're putting out there, then to them it seems like you're hiding something or you're trying to get something from them without being honest. "Creepy" could also come from someone who is dehumanizing the person they're talking to, say a guy is being overtly sexual because all he wants is to get laid. Treating a woman like a sex object is waaay creepy and no one likes it.

Writing a novel to a stranger would feel creepy because you don't know the person you're writing about. You're a stranger to them so for all they know you could be trying to hurt them in some manipulative way. You need to let people see who you are first before you can start saying or writing novels about them.

I humbly disagree with your humble disagreement. No one can control the attraction they feel, they can only control the behavior that comes from it. From my end, what you're saying sounds a little like you're afraid of something. No woman is going to assume you're going to rape her because you admitted you were attracted to her. If you're truly feeling attracted to a woman when you say those words, I can guarantee she's going to feel the connection between your words and your feelings and she's probably going to like it. Being honest and forthright about how you feel is the choice that will attract women to you, not shutting it in. If you do, women will wonder what you're trying to hide and if you're really safe or not.

Hell, yeah. I couldn't agree with this more. Sexuality is NOT a perversion nor is attraction a negative thing. But this type of thinking is ingrained into our culture and sure is going to be hard to drill it out.

 

I've been in this boat, too, brother. I've emailed women at my college telling them what I felt about them and I got pulled into the head of my department's office to tell me to stop doing it. I think emails are creepy because no one can see of feel your intention. They're just words and your real intention could be ANYTHING. I really does suck that people assume the worst but we live in a world where people can hurt others really easily so we feel the need to protect ourselves. It's hard on the people who are honest.

 

Bottom line: unless you want to be alone for the reminder of your life, you're gonna have to get used to the fact that some girls are going to find you creepy. Let 'em think. Do they really know you? Do they know about your personality and compassion and hobbies and philanthropy? Fuck no! They're passing judgment based on something superficial. Therefore, it's your job to convince them otherwise. Or at least die trying. Because if you can date just one chick who's "out of your league" that's all it takes to get the momentum train rolling.

 

A few things I can say about this. Creepiness in my experience happens in one of two ways. Either:

a) the girl has really low self esteem or is a mean person, and gets off on making you feel that way
b) I lacked PRESENCE.

Presence is just being authentic (comfortable in your own skin) but also being simultaneously aware of the effect you're having on the other person. If a female surprises you with her reaction, it's because you were not aware of the steps leading up to that, you didn't see it coming, because you just were not present to her reactions and responses to your moves.

I have no doubt that HSP watching makes this worse, just like it makes us antisocial and have our own low self esteem issues.

If you can imagine yourself on a very confident day, walking up to a woman and saying "hey, I wanted to let you know that I find you very attractive and I would like to get to know you", and wait for her response, and *if you can take no for an answer*, then you are going to be just fine. If you can do this and not move, keep eye contact but stay cool and relaxed, you won't always get a yes but your odds will go up. And if the woman doesn't like you, you're going to probably know it right away.

If you're not sure, ask for directions. Although I think females get turned off when a guy doesn't know how to act, asking for directions is better than being passive aggressive or trying to mask over your fears and insecurities with macho behaviour.

I don't think it's a choice between "taking things slow" vs. "being direct"; I think it's a question of how much feedback can you handle. I think getting rejected up front is better because it's like ripping off a bandaid. One of the damaging things about porn for both men and women is our expectations don't match with human reality.

I am biased because I ended up in intense sexual relationships with women who also loved porn, but I do believe a LOT of young women are watching it now, and that surveys are wildly underreported because there is a certain extra embarrassment for females that comes with our culture. If a guy wants a lot of sex or is obsessed with it, well that's "normal". But if a woman is, then she's all sorts of nasty names. These women are going to be socially awkward and often PROJECT emotions like "creepy" on to the nearest vulnerable person around themselves. If you're a vulnerable guy, such women will pounce on you

 

I think watching a lot of porn gave me internal feelings about being "creepy". I got called that a few times when I was younger and even when I was older. I know that at the times it happened when I was older, I was watching a lot of porn at that time. I also knew that the depression from being called creepy would temporarily go away as soon as I PMO.

By abstaining you are going to regain your sense of self worth. Only once you gain your sense of self worth will women be able to find you worthy.

Remember, you're going to go through some emotional pain on this journey, but it's the HEALING kind of pain and not the DAMAGING kind. Catharsis. What this woman said to you is reopening a wound... you are going to have to sit with it, and learn from it, and cry about it, but let it give you STRONG MOTIVATION that this is a journey you can endure and the long-term results are gonna be so great! This dude is awesome and explains about withdrawal symptoms including *emotional* shit that comes up:

 

Yeah. Im pretty creepy as i am. But that's just me because i care but know the boundaries of how far is acceptable and ask if im going to far and whether i should turn back.

There's abject danger from (fear of being assaulted/embarrassed/made uncomfortable) derivative of obsessional behaviour when creepyness is concerned.

Think about fairy tales and romantic stories, often including doing great feats and following them for miles, in modern context its all a bit creepy isnt it? What sane person fights a dragon to kiss a paralysed vunerable person they've never met but obsessed over for months even years just to wind up in a arranged (presumably forced political) marriage?

Few of those things could happen nowadays arguably leaving generations of men feeling powerless and weak in showing their affections and therefore further pent up creating the negative stereotypes rather than the dashing means of affection culturally.

 

Writing a novel for someone you dont know seems like way too much effort and putting a ton of effort into it does come off as creepy because it looks like an obsession. Love is a very strong word to use on a stranger i think part of the problem here is understanding that youre telling this girl you think about her all the time yet she doesnt know you. Isnt that a bit scary? Can you imagine getting something from a total stranger that took weeks to make? You might think about what love means to you. You use the word love but to me it looks more like infatuated...or obsessed. Love isnt just adoring someone and wanting that tingly feeling you get from being around them. Love is an action, to love someone is to care for and look after them. To say you love a stranger is misuse of a complicated word. If youre interested in someone talk to them. No grand expression of "love". Just talk. If you wont see them again ask about coffee or something simple. If you will see them again just wait and build a relationship with the person gently.

 

@bastion I agree with @hopefulbrain. Making that much effort for someone you don't know will usually come across as creepy. It's all about what society deems acceptable interaction on a given relationship level. Writing a book for someone would be probably acceptable once you've dated someone for years or married them. Otherwise it might make some people think you've developed an obsession.

It also depends a bit on the presentation. If you had written the book, published it and then approached the girl and told her "Hey, you might not remember me, we've seen each other only a few times and haven't really talked, but you inspired me to write and publish a book. You can check it out at XYZ if you're interested. See you!" I think the situation would've turned out differently. You would've come across as a writer who just wanted to let his inspiration know about the work she'd inspired. She probably would've felt a bit more relaxed about the whole situation, provided that the book relly had been published somewhere where others could access it.

To avoid being creepy we have to communicate our interest clearly and do it in a way that fits the level of relationship we have with the person. Say hi if you don't know her at all, propose a date once you know each other a bit and so on. You're clearly a guy who doesn't like following convention, and I think that's great and your future girl will love that once she gets to know you, but unfortunately we have to follow it in the beginning and play it safe.