Reflections of a partner: After Hard Mode (Trigger Warning!)

Hello everyone!

For those who don't know me (and it will be quite a few since I am not the most active member of this community...) let me introduce myself: I am the fiancée of @ronswanson, soon to be married to him (yay!) and have been on this rocky journey with him since he first told me about his issues over a year ago (I'll not call it addiction because he didn't call it that at first).That he had a serious problem (addiction) only gradually became clear to us and it only really started to change after he found this community and started the reboot (in a nutshell). And then we decided to do the hard mode together. 90 days no sexual interaction whatsoever. Plus no fapping/PMO for him, naturally, but that started way before hard mode.

I want to write some of my reflections down here because I feel the need to write it down. I could do this privately, in my personal journal, for no one else to see. But I think maybe there are people out there who are going through something similar. And maybe they will find it helpful to see that they are not alone. Maybe they would like to let me know that I am not alone...

So, hard mode.

We managed 73 days.

I slipped three times (had pledged to not touch myself during this time and couldn't do it...how's that for a supporting partner?), we nearly slipped many times more but managed to behave, somehow.

And then we decided it was time to stop because he felt that much safer, he didn't think about PMO anymore, his urges had nothing to do with getting away from feeling shitty by looking at porn but everything with being close to me, to each other, being intimate, close, loving.... so we stopped, at day 74. And made love.

What I had imagined, over and over again, vividly, during hard mode, though, didn't happen.
It wasn't a firework of emotions, it wasn't the best sex we've ever had. It was okay. I felt awkward first, I wasn't sure whether it was the right thing to do, I worried that we would compromise his so far amazing recovery. But I relaxed after a while and we were able to truly connect. And he came. Easily! Woah! INSIDE ME! Just like that!

The next day, we tried again. This time it wasn't good. It was everything we had discussed many times we didn't want our sex life to be any more. There was force (from his side), I felt violated, used, ashamed that I had let him do that to me and to us. That I didn't stop him. I didn't react, as I often fail to do in situations like these.
The thing is that I have my own history with sex. I was raped when I was 17, by a then "boyfriend", and after that used for sex so many times that I led this feeling become normal. I started liking it, I guess, in a weird, sick way. I never really explored my sexual history, because... well, it hurts. So I understand only parts of what I do and let men do to me.
Luckily, when things got really serious last year, I found a therapist. She is exactly the right person at the moment, to guide me through everything, to set my head straight, to let me deal with my complicated emotions and emotional actions and reactions to life, to sex, to my PMO addicted fiancé and his actions and reactions to life and me.

I naturally don't trust easily. Actually, I distrust. All the time. I am very good at seeing the worst in people - because I have seen the worst in people. People are cruel. They are self-centred, egoistic, broken. They are violent. They are scared and insecure.
Since I've been with my fiancé, I have experienced that people are also loving, caring, really interested and selfless. So I am slowly learning that I can trust. But it is a crawling process. And experiences like that second time we had sex after hard mode really don't make it any easier, unfortunately.

I don't hold it against him and I try not to hold it against me. I know what happened, I know why it happened, and we just have to be more careful. We talked about it like we talk about everything: honest, brutally honest actually, because it is the only way we know how to get through this. He knows where I stand, I know where he stands, and this is how we keep connected. It is necessary to do it this way, for us. It hurts a lot, sometimes, but I wouldn't want it any other way. I have been getting to know myself a lot better during the last months, the last year. And I am getting to know my future husband a little better every day. And what I see makes me smile, makes me feel warm and hopeful and it makes me believe in me and him and in us. So... I guess we're on a good track here. I guess we are doing alright. And our sex life is getting better, more honest, about love and true connection which is what we always wanted it to be.

However, I am wondering whether there are any other couples out there who have gone through hard mode, who are struggling to re-claim and re-define their shared sexuality and intimacy after or rather during recovery? I do feel a bit alone sometimes with what we are going through. Is there anyone who can relate...?

Thank you for reading and for being interested

 

Thank you @TheWife and @Limeaid for your responses and insights. It is a strange thing how something so "normal" can get so confusing.

It isn't all bad, of course. And we are working through it. You are right, at the moment we are scrutinizing every little action in the bedroom. I hope we'll find our new normal soon(ish).

It is good to know that there are some others out there who have dealt with going from no sex to all new sex. Thank you for sharing!

x

 

Dear @Rav70 , thank you for your reply!

I can understand perfectly why you are worried. Congratulations, though! One month no PM is great! And it does make such a huge difference, doesn't it?
I think when he has not PMed for a while longer and you have found that you can trust him more (and he can trust himself more) it will get easier. It's been going on for 6 months now that my man hasn't PMed and even though in the beginning I thought I would never get over his betrayal I do find myself truly believing in him. His strength astounds me, his commitment and his faith in us give me strength. I think as long as you keep talking openly about what is bothering you, what your fears are, and you know that he might stumble but that this doesnt mean he'll fall and never get back up again, you'll be okay. All the best to you two!

When we started hard mode I felt extremely insecure for the first weeks. At some point he couldn't even touch me in the most innocent way because he would instantly want more and it would get so much harder, so he kept his distance. It worried me, and I felt shitty and told him so. I think not cuddling was the worst bit about hard mode. No physical contact whatsoever. No kissing. Nothing. After a while cuddling was okay(ish) again but we had to be extremely careful. A little innocent kiss would quickly lead to making-out teenage style. It was fun, in a way, because we got so excited about each other. It really felt like being a teenager again. Every little touch felt like a very pleasant electric shock... now that I think about it, I kind of miss that...

I do think more than two months of no sex has brought us closer together on so many levels. We have always talked a lot and very openly about everything, but with all that frustration flying around and not much physical contact we had to find new ways of communicating with each other, of showing each other love and affection. I do think we know each other a lot better now.
So, as you can see not everything about hard mode is actually that hard.

I wish everyone a pleasant evening! Keep the love alive!
xx

 

It's been a while. Like it's been all well with my now husband and me. He was doing well, we were doing well. I went to therapy, my therapist was (and still is) a major support for the both of us. And for the last couple of months in particular I felt really good about everything. I felt I was getting lighter, things were shining a little brighter (sorry for the rhyme...) life was good.
It is funny, just a couple of weeks ago in a response to @TheWife I said:
"I am still struggling, big time, though I do feel I have been getting much better lately. However, every now and then we have a bad couple of days when he behaves like a dick and it takes him some time to realise that his behaviour is just not cool at all. That's when I start worrying again, wondering whether it has anything to do with PMOing. We still talk openly about it, of course, and usually in situations like this he admits that he had been having a tough time, which is probably even worse now that he's been so amazing for so long. No relapses yet, but honestly, I don't think you can ever be 100% sure... people relapse after years of being "free"."

Yeah, so... I just started a new job this week. Our life is about to change quite a bit since we will see a lot less of each other in the coming months. We used to spend the mornings with each other and then he would go to work in the early afternoon and I to Uni. Now I'm away for most of the day and when I get home in the afternoon or early evening, he is away working. I know my being home and working from home a lot when he was there helped him with his recovery. And I also know that he has been worried about being on his own a lot from now on. But we talked about it and I felt that he was confident that he would be fine.
And then I got home Monday afternoon to a husband who was obviously feeling very low, lying in bed. I got into bed with him for cuddles and quickly realised that something more serious was going on. So I asked. And he told me.
That he had started wanking again. "Just a little", he said. "Not like before", and "It really felt good". They were more like very quick, 30-seconds lasting wanks. No porn watching involved. He told me he wanted to know. If he could do it, what it would feel like. And initially he was fine with it. And then, gradually, he realised that his eyes would linger on "certain images" on facebook for longer than necessary. And he stopped feeling so confident about it. He suddenly felt really bad. And needed to tell me.

That was Monday. I spent Monday night awake, angry, kicking him out of bed because I couldn't stand him next to me. He slept, like a baby. And I was foaming with fury. How could he?!?! How could he be so incredibly selfish? So stupid? Such a fucking teenager!? Really, he wanked just a little and it felt really good? No shit. I bet it did.
But no thoughts about where it will lead. No thoughts about what it means. No thoughts about what it will do to us, to me. And no consideration whatsoever that I just started my new job, that I need to be on my top game, that I need to be able to perform, to be awake, aware, charming, the very best version of myself. Which I AM NOT when I need to worry about my husbands addiction. When I wonder what he is doing at home, right now. When I am just SO ANGRY.
So, how is that fair? How do I deserve this? How do any of us deserve this???? What right do you assholes have to treat us this way??????????

Okay. Breathe....

The thing is: I love him. I know he didn't do it to hurt me. I know he got complacent, he thought he was on top of it all. And that is when it happens.
We talked. I yelled at him. I went silent. I am overwhelmed with too many conflicting feelings.
I understand his desire to have a healthy, normal relationship with himself and his body, his sexuality. I really do. However, I know he isn't anywhere near there yet. It's not even been a year yet! Yes, his progress is amazing, but this just shows how dangerous it is to assume you're fine because you didn't relapse for 300 days.
Another thing is that he is much further in his emotional healing than I am. I am still wounded. I am still hurting. I am still angry, and I am not trusting him 100%. And this just pushed me back quite a bit.
It made me trust him less. It made me angrier. It made me hurt more. Again. Feeling heavy, burdened, again.
Thank you very much.

I just needed to get this out. I don't know what you all think about it. I hope you are doing well. I am not giving up. Ever. I hope...

Lots of love to you all!

 

Thank you, @Ncolby , I am sure you mean well. However, my alarm bells started ringing as soon as I read

... for me, stop right there. If there is a but, and you are unsure....just don't. Don't talk about your girlfriend and her life with other people if you have not checked with her first. Because if my husband did, I'd be pretty pissed.
Other than that, thank you for the offer but I am all set.
I have got a wonderful security network,a lovely group of women I met on here, my therapist and my husband to talk to. And I'd rather not PM someone I don't know, who is a male fapstronaut and new to the community... no offense intended!

Other than that I wish you and your partner all the best on this roller coaster ride. It will be hard, it will hurt a lot, and it will be incredibly rewarding if you are willing to truly change your life. And then it'll probably suck again. And hopefully be wonderful again...

Take care!