Looking for freedom

Hello everybody, I'm 27 and got hooked on the P part when I was around 10 thanks to the internet. PMO started around 13, and I was really hooked from that point until I was 23 when I started trying to stop. It would be 3-5 times a week but some days 2-3 times.

PMO and my difficulty stopping affected my relationship and now marriage, which started the desire to fight back against it. I started trying to stop in earnest about 4 years ago.

I'll go for 8-12 months of being free of it but then I'll slowly slip back into it again. I hate that. I feel like because it all started at a young age and before I really knew what I was doing, it's so ingrained in my brain that I have a really hard time getting it out. I'd had really limited sex ed so my first O was even a surprise, I didn't know what happened at first. Basically my PMO brain wiring was built and the foundations laid before my normal development and adult brain was developed, and it's just really tangled and rooted in there.

I'm highly educated, I have a great job, awesome wife, wonderful family, I know all the right answers. I just feel like my brain has been polluted and rewired so much from all those years that I don't know how to be finally free. I have an awful time resisting once the urge hits. I have no self-discipline and willpower at all. I joined here because of a recent relapse and I feel like I need all the help I can get.

I know who I want to be, I can see it in my head, but I don't know how or when I can get there. I have hope but I'm also very discouraged.

 

Yes we've dialogued about it over the years, it's not a secret, when there's a relapse we talk about it. Naturally it's very upsetting to her.

 

I'm planning a 90-day hard mode reboot, I really need a detox. I hadn't officially started but I had what would have been a reset. Very frustrating, because I was just starting to feel awesome about life and I felt like my mind was clearing.

I'll be starting up a journal also.