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When the fantasy can't be real.

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by Pellease, Jan 10, 2016.

  1. Pellease

    Pellease Fapstronaut

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    Posted something similar in another group. But I'm curious what people here do when they're really close to a friend, and sexually attracted, but there's no shot at the sex.

    I imagine that there's plenty of guys and gals out there with friends of the opposite sex or same sex who are going through something similar. You're either in love, crushing hard or at least curious, but the bounds of the relationship won't allow for it. What do you do with the fantasy?

    With me as a bi dude with a girlfriend cool with me being with dudes, this is an issue between myself and my best friend, who knows about it, but is totally straight. He and I are incredibly close and know pretty much everything about each other, but it's never going to go to that physical level. Hence a lot of fantasy.
     
    Wildstar likes this.
  2. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Hmm, I would advise trying to refrain from fantasising about this guy that you like. Why are you attracted to him if you already have a partner (ie your girlfriend)?
     
  3. Pellease

    Pellease Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I need to figure out how to stop lol.
     
  4. Fantasy is what starts governments, launches wars, and crushes opponents. It is fantasy that is man's biggest weakness as it consumes someone and gives them the belief to live in a world that does not exist. It's best to recognize fantasy and avoid it.

    Trust me, I'm in advertising.

    - Don Draper
     
    faramirsquest, Yesodi and Pellease like this.
  5. Pellease

    Pellease Fapstronaut

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    That was great!
     
  6. Hey man, check out my first post here:

    http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/suppressing-sexual-thoughts.56657/#post-415898

    Try to learn to appreciate your friend and all of his wonderful qualities in a healthy way and remember that it's not fair to him for you to ignore all of those good qualities and only focus on the ones that you can use as a tool for your own pleasure. (I say this in love, as someone who struggles with this at times as well.) This is a good experience you can use to learn how to love someone deeply, but platonically, appreciating intimacy outside of sex.
     
  7. Pellease

    Pellease Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man! This definitely helps!
     
    TakingTheSteps likes this.
  8. Wildstar

    Wildstar Fapstronaut

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    I think simple fantasies can be harmless and fun. We all fantasize how we would spend the power ball winnings or what it would be like to fly. Both are nearly impossible to achieve but to some people fantasies actually become reality. Some fantasies can inspire artists and create masterpieces while others could ruin a marriage. When a fantasy turns into an obsession than that becomes a problem. You and your friend must have a great relationship. Do you know w 100% certainty he would never reciprocate the same feelings?? I mean really 100%?? You know the saying ...never say never.
     
  9. Pellease

    Pellease Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Wildstar. The relationship is pretty great and ridiculous sometimes. It has definitely inspired a lot of my writing and self growth, as well as his own growth. As far reciprocation I think that is a dangerous thought to entertain. He identifies very much as straight, there have been plenty of times where I could guess and wonder due to some interaction we've had, but that just fuels the fantasy and the fantasy has turned keeps me from growing, or rather it keeps me locked into this deep pain and rebirth cycle.

    If there is a chance in the future, it would be better for me to redirect my energy now to become someone truly worth switching teams for ;-P rather than fantasizing that that would happen.

    P.S. I appreciate your question a lot, it made me think through and vocalize why the fantasy isn't working.
     
    TakingTheSteps and Wildstar like this.
  10. Wildstar

    Wildstar Fapstronaut

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    I can relate somewhat. I consider myself bi as well to a degree. Although I've been w women my entire life I still find myself attracted to men in some degree and during my PMO days would actually PMO to gay porn. I had a few encounters when I was 18/19 and not sure if I would ever be with a guy physically ever again. Just couldn't go all the way. I did have a strong attraction towards a guy back in college and I never found out if is he was gay/straight. At the time I would have loved to have found out and try one more time. We parted ways after college n I never saw him again. I always wonder what could have been, maybe if I came out back then my entire life would be different. My point is , your young. Don't let a chance just slip by and regret it the rest of your life. You prob have a nice gf and love her but at the same time you feel like something is missing?? I'm not saying go for it but perhaps be open w your buddy and ask what his fantasies are. Ask him some "would you ever..." Questions. Maybe you'll be surprised at his answers. People's personalities stay relatively the same most of our lives but our interests can change over time. What we dislike today is our new fad tomorrow. Good luck, would love to know how this turns out.
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2016
    Pellease likes this.
  11. I love this statement you made! I wish everyone would see this and believe it, as it is essential to having a healthy relationship. You have to work on yourself first and continue to work on yourself after. Your growth can never be dependent on another person -- it's for you, and you're never going to regret spending more time bettering yourself. And as you said, if it happens it happens, but focusing so hard on it and fantasizing about it isn't going to "make" it happen, so you might as well spend your time on something more beneficial.

    Kudos to you for figuring this lesson out! It's one that changed my life a lot when I was single.
     
  12. Pellease

    Pellease Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man for the support, now to just put it in practice! I got through today which was great and definitely made strides!
     
    TakingTheSteps likes this.
  13. Pellease

    Pellease Fapstronaut

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    We've had talks around those lines. I don't know, he's got his own GF now. But yeah, I'm going to focus on the self work. He knows I love him and I'd be more than happy to express that in any way he sees fit lol, so the most I can do is work on myself and see if tastes change.

    I'll let you know if they ever do.
     
    Wildstar likes this.

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