Shit got real

Glad you found this site so you can get everything off your chest.
When you have urges to PMO just remember by not doing so you are improving your relationship with your wife who you clearly love.
As a woman it is such a boost to my self esteem and sex drive to know my boyfriend only needs me to fulfill his sexual needs. No PMO has made our sex life 100xs better.

 

Thank you for sharing everything you did I want to answer this question specifically.
I can't speak for how anyone else feels but I can tell you my own experiences with this and hope that it resonates with you. I think we all fear losing control. That's what this addiction does to us, it makes us lose control. For me, it's taken a lot of relapses to understand just exactly how I lose control and adjust my life and thoughts accordingly. For example, if I don't sleep well or I eat greasy gross food, I get kind of depressed and sick, which makes me much more vulnerable to the urge of PMO. So I make sure to go to bed at a regular time and eat only foods that make me feel better and sleep better. As for urges and thoughts, that takes discipline and courage and, again for me, the realization that my urges are just tension being built up in me and the need to relieve it. If I can get past the need to relieve the tension, I can get through urge. I hope any of this helps you. Good luck! And your wife sounds wonderful, as well.

 

I agree with Rav

But one thing which you must learn is that you "failed" that was a success to an extent it helped you learn that this addiction could lose your wife make her feel terrible. So stopping is the best option unless you want her to feel and bad you to feel a shamed. Also you have came to the correct place. I just had an urge to be honest, but after reading your post it stopped the urge. Thanks for sharing and caring. Your issues are here for you to learn and other to learn. I do wish the best for you. Just make sure to keep looking in the future, A bit of pain now. Will help you leave a free PMO life with you and your wife to live happily together with no other external things.

A few things to help, Try listening to some mediation music.
While been on NoFap I have now started mediating to clears the mind and helps you get in the correct state.
Even just listening to the music helps calm your thoughts.
Even writing down triggers are always helpful so then you know the triggers.
On NoFap your mind is healing as well it's playing tricks so just make sure that you know what is what.
Just Time without PMO will heal for a better future.!


Take care and I wish the best.

 

I know you don't mean anything wrong, and if so, some rephrasing would help.

 

No idea what you are talking about. I see nothing I said that was out of line. If you have an issue message me with details so we don't muddy his thread.

 

That is scary shit. I hope it works out sooner than latter for you (as you are on a time line now - and 1 or 2 years of this shit can feel like 5 or 10 years to a partner when she is worn down - so beware), as so many relationships and marriages are destroyed by his addiction. In an ideal situation under such circumstances, you would be in a sex-anonymous group, whereas your partner would attend a sex-anon group of sorts (a support for spouses whose partners have addictions). Absent that, you are in a spot now, and maybe it will light a fire under you - no more delay is available to you. And, you can no longer just want to get rid of this addiction either; for if you haven't already, you need to find very specific and practical strategies and methods to address the different ways that you tend to fall and relapse - something to deal with the physical urges/pain, the emotional swings, the psychological temptations, the boredom, the complacency, the fatigue in willpower, the grieving and loss, etc. You must tailor-fit your plan now. There are many experienced guys here who can advise you on such things. Keep journaling (and daily) your experiences and ask your questions, express what is difficult and what is easy for you, accuse yourself whenever you cross any line - big or small, and read other journals of guys who are recovering. In journaling this way, you will definitely draw a support group and mature recoverers who can advise you. All the best!

 

BluePhoenix,

Yes the addiction hurts the wives/spouses/GFs. This is one of the motivations to stop PMOing. I understand that your wife loves you and you love her. Seeing my wife becoming insecure about her body and second-guessing the attractiveness I have for her(she's in her 50's) knowing that the average P content shows actors/actresses in their 20's and 30's was an eye opener. I was mostly viewing mature P myself, but even then when I got caught ( a few times) with a browser window displaying all genres or random stuff, she seen what is available to the viewers.. and they see younger, more daring, over sexualized COMPETITORS.

Porn puts a lot of pressure on the females. Just like skinny models are forcing an "accepted golden standard" of body shape on the ladies as reflected in fashion magazines, P material OFTEN (not always) sets the standard at women being young, beautifully shaped (no sags), extremely well groomed, extremely open & willing to please, max libido, very skilled sex machines....not very realistic. Ladies have to be emotionally healthy to be a willing long-term sex partner. If your behavior causes her to feel unwell, not sexy enough, not performing the right sex acts, its counter productive for you. If you wife feels like she competes directly with Internet P in the search to have your sexuality fulfilled (we P users are very hard to please, knowing that we are going for harder stuff, fetishes, hardcore) she might just want to run away.

The average women either tries to compete, which might be possible for the younger ones (even if they might force themselves to do stuff they don't feel comfortable with), but as their body ages they feel out of the loop. As a man, I know my body is not what it used to be either...some ladies are trying to keep up by using surgery, but its against nature to me personally. I prefer saggy to fake...


Only Caveat: Maybe the wife shouldn't throw "covert ultimatums" to you. Tell her you got the message, but ultimatums are troubling you, making you feeling stressed out. She might read a book or something about how to better support you in your journey, instead of throwing a statement that scare you. The immense pressure and stress you seem to be suffering from this not helping. You need to relax and regain control. You don't want PMO and/or any other addiction to become your only way out as stress relief.

 

Joe I normally agree with everything you say but I think perhaps since he and his wife are so close and he described himself and her as each other's half, they could be in themselves the best therapist just by being open and communcating.
My boyfriend and I talk about everything and he said it has helped him tremendously. It has also helped me. I don't feel the need to do therapy.

 

Some need to hit rock bottom to finally understand what it is about.
It seems like your wife has her own issues to figure out, and you have yours.
It's not about her, but about you, your life, and the people you want in your life (her, in this case).
It's important that what she said scared the shit out of you : you know now what expects you, and she was honest enough to tell you.
Keep going, and don't ever give up.
You deserve better than that, and as @Rav70 wrote, you'll have a much better life without PMO.

 

I'm picking up on the line of the wife's own exasperation coming from an addicted family and not being able to cope or to be victimized anymore by such hell and hassle - this is quite serious actually, and different than two afresh girl and boy, coming together, maybe marrying, and dealing with this. Even normal marriages have a statistical 50% probability of not lasting (it's higher for unmarried) -- this case is ranched up a huge notch further, as the poster knows and acknowledges. Time is running out here if no other intervention takes place. The wife here has no ultimate coping and surviving skills to ultimately outlast this, as she pretty much admits through her words, feelings, and actions. With the status quo as it is now, he either needs to recover soon, or she needs further support, skills, and counseling to get through this, too.

 

I think @Human_in_the_Making's post wasn't meant as an attack, but just an alert that what you wrote can actually be read and interpreted in quite another way:

it is such a boost to my self esteem and sex drive to know my boyfriend only needs me to fulfill his sexual needs

This can be interpreted as your boyfriend only needs you for sex and nothing else - you are there to fulfill his sex needs, as if you are a sex object...and then to think that this would boost your self-esteem?

Whereas what you are really saying is that your boyfriend only turns toward you as his partner to fulfil his sex needs and not to anyone or anything else, which would indeed be a boost to your self-esteem as a woman.

One might consider the modifier "only" as your death knell here, perhaps (it's such a pesky critter). Maybe better potitioned so as to modify "me" and not "need."

it is such a boost to my self esteem and sex drive to know my boyfriend needs only me to fulfill his sexual needs

Best wishes - glad all is working out for you.

 

Yeah he thought that. My boyfriend needs me for more than Han just sex. Whose going to do his laundry? Lol... Just kidding!

 

yea its real. this addiction is a severely strong one - an also a silent and not talked about one.
5 - 10 years youll be good tho dude. However, i've been fighting this thing for about 2 or 3 years now.

Wanna know what I'll do differently? I made a calendar, i physically write down how my day was. If i fail Ill have to burn those papers. Also I just have had enough, I'll do whtever it takes to quit. If I could kill for PMO addiction to be gone Id do it.