Recently married seeks support for husbands pmo

Hi - Good luck with you and your husband. Mine is on here too (Silverback). We have only been married 3 years but I'm yet to have a good year. However........I think this may just be start of one He finally admitted to himself - and me - that his constant use of particular sites, where you can chat to the models and pay tips, is an addiction. He has now started his journal and he reads mine too. We can talk about it without him getting 'arsy' with me and the atmosphere is so much better in just a few days. He gave me my Christmas card this morning and I cried!! The words and what he wrote were just so lovely and, for the first time, I believe he means it. Before, I used to think, yes the words are lovely but you still hurt me.
Hopefully, you two will be able to talk to each other openly - which helps a great deal - and he can turn this thing around.

 

So sorry to hear that. If you decide to lose weight, have in mind that the goal is to feel healthy, and looking healthy will follow. You're in a particularly tough situation because the person you naturally go to for approval is in no condition whatsoever to say anything helpful about your body. I'm just throwing around my opinions all over the place tonight, but if I were you I would ignore what he says about women and their charms because I really believe his brain is (not permanently, but definitely) wired incorrectly. Get yourself as healthy and happy as you can, despite the circumstances.

 

No, no, no. So much nope. For him to say you are the problem is denial and gaslighting. It is not okay. It is very common with addiction, I've been through it, and so have many others. It puts the blame on you and destroys you emotionally. It makes you feel like you are crazy. You're not. Please do not believe that your appearance is the issue. You are so much more than that.

He needs to accept he has a problem. Until this happens, then things can't move forward. It is awful and heartbreaking. You can't do this for him. He needs to be the one to see he has a problem and to address it.

All you can do is control your reactions to him. Hold your boundaries and provide consequences. Tough love. It's shitty.

If you feel bad about yourself, then work on yourself. But, do not think that becoming a size 6 will fix your marriage. Build your self esteem. Work on making yourself stronger and more confident. Go out and socialise, although I know you may not feel like it. Don't isolate yourself. Do you really think that people are so shallow as to judge you on your size, and if they do, you don't want to know those people anyway. You have so much to offer. I would love to meet you in real life and to have a drink with you. I think you'd be a riot! I have never met you in real life but I think you are a beautiful, intelligent, strong and wonderfully funny woman.

Take care of you now. Your needs come first. Find a close friend or a therapist to speak with. You need some support. Just remember that we are also here to listen whenever you need us.

Big hugs x

 

Dear DireMerl,

I am shocked to read these lines! First of all, your weight has NOTHING to do with his addiction! It is NOT YOUR FAULT! How dare he say that! I am furious!
It is his issue, his addiction, his brain that is causing him to behave like an utter shit (I am sorry, but he is), not your body. Even if you looked like a super model, his addiction would still be there.

I am so sorry. I can't write much more right now, have to run.
My thoughts are with you! You are fabulous and worth a billion! Don't let him make you feel anything less!
Be strong

xx

 

Hi @DireMerl

As @TheWife said, nope. Heaping piles of NOPE. Your weight has absolutely nothing to do with his addiction! I'm so sorry that he said those things and that he's in complete denial about the situation. If you lost weight, he'd still feel the same way. There's not much more that I can say that hasn't been already said by both @TheWife and @TheFiancée....I wish I could offer my support in real life. I'd buy you a beer/cocktail/your drink of choice. In the meantime, I (and so many others) am here for you and am thinking of you. Hugs

 

This. Sooooo much this.

 

I really hope you two can work this out. It saps the life out of your self image - it sucks!

I've been looking at Accountable2you. It looks really good. I don't think I actually need it for @Silverback anymore but more for my own peace of mind. I need to re-train my brain too I think! I have to learn to believe that nothing is going on.

Also, we are both on the podgier side of life than we would both like.... Lol so we have started going out together in the evenings for a 'quick March' walk . Maybe I'll even shock myself one day and get the exercise bike out - it sits nicely by the window about 6ft from me - I hate to disturb it. Lol

Seriously though, doing stuff with your weight and health will make you feel so much better in yourself. It can only be a good thing. Good luck with all aspects of your recovery and survival.

 

I know A2Y works with incognito on the laptop, which is where I would need it. However, we have his 3 'favourite' sites blocked through the router so I know he can't get on them using any device (whilst at home). There is just this little tiny percentage of my brain that can't help thinking "what if". I think he has managed to stop easier than I have managed to trust again!

We're trying to cut out crappy foods.......think the Christmas crap has just about gone now lol....... I just hate cooking though so it's a real effort! We really must get exercising I've downloaded the '7 minute workout' onto my phone - I've looked at it..............and that's as far as I've got!! I don't think I could do each exercise 'properly' to start with but even if I attempt my own version it's better than nothing I guess and each thing is only for 30 seconds.

Maybe the healthier you get, the better you'll feel and that might also help with the depression and insomnia

 

l really hesitated replying to this and maybe after reading what my thoughts are you may wish that I had kept my mouth shut but I can't help myself. I am basing my observations both on what you wrote in your journal and your husbands postings. This also goes without saying but I am only a random internet stranger and obviously don't have the full picture of your relationship. Nevertheless here are some thoughts I have.
1. Concerning your husbands assertion that his DE and the lack of sex in your marriage is related to your weight. Your husband knows that the two are not related as he states so himself in his own journal (the true reasons being that he has conditioned himself to only respond to self pleasure). So if he knows the real reason, why does he continue to mention your weight? To me this comes across as just being mean (especially since he seems to have brought this up multiple times) to deflect from his own failings.
2. Per your husbands journal he has been dealing with DE and porn addiction during your entire time together. Why is it taking him so long to make changes especially given that he knew something was wrong since the first time you were intimate together? You've been together six years. I think at some point you need to ask yourself if you are willing to accept this situation indefinitely...
3. IMHO at this point I think it is very fair to give your husband a recovery time table that he needs to keep to. He needs to do the work. I'm sure that he can recover and you guys can be even happier together. However, he has to take his journey more seriously than he has been, or the next thing you know another six years will have passed and nothing will have changed.

 

@DireMerl you have me shuddering at the memory of salad fingers. I had completely blocked that out and now it's back! *cringe*

Seriously, though, much love and support to you and your man. I wish you both happiness and joy and success in his recovery.

 

Addiction is a horrid disease. It eats at every part of your life. My DH has gone through alcohol and drug addiction, now its the porn and has been for awhile.
We went five years without a good sex life. He has been porn free for two weeks now, but i wait on pins and needles waiting for a relapse. It typically takes the addict hitting a bottom to realize something needs to change and the addiction needs to end. Its possible your husband has not hit his end. You cant make him hit it any more than he can make you loose weight. This does not mean he dosent love you. He is addicted and sometimes those addictions suppercede what he knows is right or wrong. Hang in there we are here for you.

 

If it is hurting you, he should defreind her. MHO

 

I know exactly how that makes you feel but I don't know why you should feel ashamed or embarrassed! You've done nothing wrong. It's the living on the edge, not quite knowing if things are actually going as well as you think they are and feeling absolutely shit, not to mention stupid, when you find out it's not. Hopefully, get the blocker thing sorted or at the very least, the Facebook situation and go from there.