Destroying porn addiction starts with destroying shame

If you are reading this then welcome. I hope you take something from it.

Im not one for counting days. After joining a 12 steps meeting Im coming to terms with the idea that taking it day by day is a method that works for me. Saying that my intention is to never look at porn again. I want to vanquish it from my life for good.
Something I, like many on these forums, have come to learn after years of failing is that unless you truly WANT to quit you wont. Let me reiterate that. We all want to want to quit but we dont all want to quit (I mean truly, deeply in your bones kind of want). I hope that makes sense to you. Its oh to easy after the onset of guilt and shame to swear off porn with promises of sobriety. We've all done it time and time again. Beating ourselves up for being weak when deep down we knew it was a bad idea that would only bring more pain. Ironically all too often we land up binging just to escape the bombardment of negative feelings post relapse.

But wanting to quit...well that's something entirely different.

That only comes when you eventually unpack just how complex and layered this addiction really is & you begin to see what it has stolen from you. At face value it seems like its just an uncontrollable habit to watch porn. After awhile you begin to realize why you're watching porn. My triggers are boredom, stress, anger, embarrassment to name but a few. You know what Im talking about.

After one unpacks a little we, as human beings begin searching for solutions to our problems. We start with the easy things:

• Reading literature on the subject
• Installing K9 & accountability software
• Joining NoFap and journaling or joining a whatsapp accountability group

These things while pivotal in recovery are not going to help because ultimately they dont break down the two things that addictions need to thrive, shame and isolation. Whatsapp is great dont get me wrong but its too easy to 'hide' in a group where no one looks you in the eyes and 'sees' you.

After awhile I realized that the things above didnt bring me freedom from my addiction. They maybe at best gave me more clean days between relapses. It was only when I started destroying shame and isolation that I started truly comprehending the path ahead. Notice I said comprehending because I still walk the journey now despite all my efforts, we never stop learning. So how does this happen?

3 steps have ultimately influenced my recovery more than anything else.
The first was telling the people close to me that I have a sex addiction. This is the toughest thing Ive ever done in my life. It takes courage and a will to get clean that sadly few come to see. This started allowing people I love the opportunity to support me and reminded me that I am worth loving despite my warped perceptions.

Secondly I sought help from a psychologist who has helped me realize that my addiction has been flourishing from a young age and has to date broken my concept of intimacy and love. I live in hope that I can repair this. At the age of 31 I realize now more than ever that I have never truly loved anyone. Just writing that makes me a little emotional but its true. My idea of love was warped by lust, and the domination of women which I'm only starting to grapple with now. For me its not a matter of porn addiction. Its a matter of substituting lust for love and in doing so robbing myself of the chance for intimacy and closeness with another human being. I was made aware of this slowly.

Thirdly I started going to SAA 12 steps meetings. The first thing people usually say is that they cant bear the idea of a religious based recovery program. If that's your opinion I respect it but I must say as an agnostic (at best) person I take what I want from these meetings while discarding what I feel is irrelevant. To me the value of meeting others in recovery who know your pain and can talk openly about it is second to none. It has further helped me see the level to which this addiction really reaches.

So where am I now? Day 16. But I couldnt give a stuff about that. In reality right now Im content with my journey, my life and filled with hope. Hope...something so rare and so underrated.

Good luck fellow addicts.

 

What beautifully true words. Thank you.

 

I think we need to be careful about "pushing" shame aside. To me that suggests a tendency to ignore it. Shame differs from guilt in that it is a far more deep seated core belief that we are not good enough/disgusting for looking at stuff/worthless/abnormal/weak etc. Our shame hangs over us like a shadow and is reinforced every time we act out in away that is incongruent to our ideal sense of self. Jmak290 I am no expect but in my humble opinion I would urge you to remember that by keeping people close to you particulary those who love you for who you are and allowing them the opportunity to stand with you against this force you wont have to push shame aside because their light will automatically start to dissipate the shadow.

One small example, I told my best friend about my addiction. I didnt expect any support but I needed to let him know my struggle. To my surprise he gave me a hug and said dont worry man I love you all the same. Then 2 weeks later I got a whatsapp message saying happy two weeks (he had put the day in his calender) I had relapsed and didnt tell him but it made me so much stronger because I knew he believed in me. We are social beings despite the facebooks, instagrams and whatsapps. We need eachother.

 

If only!! I guess I can only speak for myself here but I have found that blocking porn led me to relapsing over facebook pictures of random girls or using instagram to get off. Look I think Its an aid yes, but ultimately its treating the symptom and not the cause like taking anti-depressants without counselling. By all means do it, I still do, but look deeper at the same time.