The day my Marriage changed...

Girl, I know that feeling oh so well! The feeling that everything was a lie. That is incredibly relatable for me. Let me reassure you of some things that I have learned since struggling with porn myself.

1. Your man can struggle with porn and also love you and love your body at the same time. Trust me, I know how impossible that seems right now, but it's true. He is not having a relationship with these women. He likely doesn't feel the "intimacy" you are imagining. These are lies I couldn't get past, no matter how many times my husband explained it to me, until I struggled with it myself and realized he was right. I love him immensely, he is super sexy and gorgeous, I enjoy our intimate times together, and yet porn is still a big constant struggle. It has absolutely nothing to do with my husband or anything he lacks, and your husband's problems with porn likely have absolutely nothing to do with you or anything you lack.

2. Everything is not a lie. Trust me, I know how impossible that seems right now, but it's true. That time he said he loved you... that time he told you you were beautiful... that time he vowed to be with you til death parts you... that time he decided he couldn't live without you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you... none of that was a lie. That was all sincere and true and from his heart, and I'm sure it is still true today.

3. Porn really is an addiction, similar to drugs. Trust me, I know how impossible that seems right now, but it's true. Porn and masturbation are so so incredibly addictive. The hormones the actions and images release are incredibly similar to taking a hit of a drug, only in some ways even more difficult, because sex is everywhere in our culture. It's nearly impossible to avoid, and everywhere you turn you're being bombarded with temptation. Before I struggled with this myself, I really did not believe that. I tried to tell myself that, but I just didn't buy it. I thought it was a cop out. I thought, "If you really love me and you know this is hurting me, couldn't you just... you know... not freaking do it??" Yes, there is always a choice, but you really have to liken it to drug use or some other addictive substance and try to understand all of the other factors that are in play here.

I think these are the three biggest hurdles I had when dealing with this problem, when I found out about my husband's addiction. If there are any other hurdles and hurts you are dealing with, please feel free as a bird to express them. There are a lot of women here in your shoes, and a lot of men in your husband's shoes. I'm kind of uniquely wearing both pairs of shoes, so I would love to share any experience I can that would shed some light on things. I prayed so much for clarity and for God to help me understand his addiction, because I truly didn't get it. Rather than waiting for answers, I decided to explore them on my own, check out some porn to "see what the hype was about." I don't recommend that, by the way. But, by God's grace, He's allowed me to learn a lot from that. In a round about way, my prayers were answered, and I do understand. I hope I can help you understand in some small way, so you don't have to go through the same pain I did back then!

You guys can get through this. Trust me, I know how impossible that seems right now, but it's true.

 

I have to point out what an incredibly huge thing that is! I don't know if my husband would ever do that. That is really great.

I totally understand your hurts, love. I've felt all of those same things. But do know that it can get better. I really did feel exactly the same as you -- trying to plan how to get out of this situation, crying my eyes out, often wondering if he even really cared or understood how much he was hurting me. But today, I can say with 100% honesty that I'm more in love with my man than I ever have been in my life! I truly did not believe that was possible, but that's where we are at right now. If he wants to change, which clearly he does, or he wouldn't have made that call, then you can get through this.

He's also being more open with you, it sounds like, which is another great and essential step. I think you two will be able to make it through this, honestly. I look forward to seeing how you grow through this tough experience. Is your husband planning to join NoFap as well?

 

This advice is so spot on! Speaking from a man's perspective, I agree with everything. My wife was crushed as well. My porn use had nothing to do with her for I love her dearly. I thought that once I got married, I could stop. Not true, for there are many reasons we self medicate with porn. The best thing I ever did was confide in her and utilize her for support. She was my biggest supporter. Here is where women are far more nurturing and loving than men. If the tables were turned, would I be as supportive? Most men run (sadly me included). I am amazed at the beautiful nature of so many women that are sincerely striving to help their men. We men need to step it up! May we abandon the fantasy and become real men who take care of all our responsibilities which include adoring and honoring our wives. He must be completely open with you if there is any chance of him quitting. I wish you much success on your journey! We got through it and we emerged stronger. I believe you guys will get through it and become more united. As Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." I say, "The unexamined marriage is not worth sustaining." Stay strong! Win!

 

Great advice. I am more than happy to provide any support/advice he may need.

 

I love my wife and I'm sorry for what I got her into. She supports me now and she's happy with me going thru the fight day by day.
My PMO addiction was out there way before I got married. I didn't know I was doing such harm. Even my wife was telling me it didn't bother her. I thought she was cool!
Well, she was telling herself that she didn't care, but it was causing her issues.

There is hope Melissa. Don't take it personal, its not where the problem is. The problem is Porn. The porn industry making money off the men and women who indulge in it. The brain reactions to the stimulus...

Please go on YOURBRAINONPORN.COM and watch videos about the "science" behind the addiction. You might even watch such videos with you hubby.

If you husband was a smoker, he would spend some of your hard earned money to smoke and hurt is lungs. If he was an obese person, he would get bigger and bigger, hurting his body, eating 5 meals a day. He could be an alcoholic and drink his face off, losing his driver's licence.

Your husband, just like myself, got caught in the "dopamin rush" addiction.

Look for Chaser effect, coolidge effect, and learn about those things. The mind is a powerful thing.

Take care Melissa, wish you the best.

 

Just remember this is becoming more and more common. It helps to know you are not alone. Keep positive.

 

This is so awesome, girl! This is a game changer, for sure. You guys can definitely get through this.

 

Done! You are most welcome. May you guys heal from this problem and grow ever closer. We men don't understand that women prefer an honest man over a perfect man a billion times (correct me ladies if I am wrong). May your grief turn into joy and happiness. Perhaps we may hate something that is good for us and we may love something that is bad for us. God knows and we don't. Stay strong! Win!

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. I can understand how difficult it is for you especially if you had no idea. I can only imagine how mad I would be if my wife did it! I honestly don't think I would be nearly as supportive.
She was sooo hurt for she never expected that I had this hidden problem. Honestly, I did take a serious hit in her eyes. We are in a very good place, but I do feel that I tore an irreparable hole in her heart. I don't want to sound pessimistic. Trust is like a glass vase. It is strong and whole as long as it does not fall. Once it shatters it near impossible to recreate the original pristine form. We can glue it together meticulously, however, it will never assume it original form. We have grown as a couple and continue to work through our issues. We have our ups and downs as everyone else does.

These are all natural feelings. You are so justified to feel them. I did the same bull shit. I lied through my teeth. She would always sense when I was PMOing. She could tell that I was cold and distant. Even if she did not have any proof, she has the 6th sense (as all you women do) that something was not right. Trust your intuition for it is usually correct. I kept telling myself that I am not telling my wife about my PMO to protect her...bull crap. I was rationalizing so I could continue my addiction. We will never conquer PMO until we are completely honest with our spouse. I pray that he will recognize that.

My heart goes out to you!

This is key! May your love increase for each other.

 

I promise you it will get better. Focus on the present for that is the only moment that we have. Forget the unchangeable past. Don't get so caught up in the anxiety ridden future for it will not happen or it has not happened yet. One day at a time. Stay strong!Win!

 

My wife so amazingly said the exact same things. It took me a while to finally believe it. Men just think a little different then women sometimes. We feel we have to be perfect in front of our wives; the proverbial knight in shinning armor. Once I realized this fallacious thinking, I finally could let my guard down and I began the healing process.

You are most welcome. Thank you for sharing your story and by proxy serve as a wonderful lesson for many to follow. I sense a strong beautiful soul inside you. Things will get better! Praying for the best. May you guys build an even stronger more authentic relationship!