Do you feel that too about being single ?

Hi. Today I'm going to do something I would not usually do. It takes a lot of courage for me to talk about it. It's something that makes me sad and people of my everyday life can't really understand it.(already tried)

Have you been so disapointed about love or do you have not enough self-esteem that you have a negative thought in your mind ? I feel like I will never find a woman. I feel like I'm one of those who don't have the right to be happy, to live this. It's like life just doesn't want me to find love, to meet a wonderful woman and to have children. It's like life itself is against my dream.
It is this thought that provoke fear about many things in me.

Since I'm young, I always considered that being in love with someone is something serously, and that you can't just be with someone just because you have to. It's not because I watched porn and liked to masturbate that I was like that. I can't just give in to the thought of being with someone just for sex, it's not what I want or what I should do. When I was young, I was late about that subject you know, sex, and couple, and all . . . I have been a child for a long time, I wasn't obsessed with sex like other boy because I never considered girls as object.
During middle school, I was in the same class that a girl I knew since I was a child. I remember that I had some kind of feel as a young boy when I met her for the first time, we smiled and had fun.
In the class, there was a time that we had to sit next to each other, because the teacher said so. I remember that we had some cool time, sometime it was some false quarrel, it was kind of an old couple.(If someone knows Dr House, it was kind of like House/Cuddy) But there was not only that, we had many common thing. I oftenly cross her at some place we shouldn't, by "fate". She lived in the same apartment of my mother and at the same floor. There was many "fate" things like that.

Middle school finished. Some years later, I found her on facebook. We talked sometime. One day, I said to her via facebook that I loved her since a long time. She replied kindly that she was sorry but wasn't feeling that way and that we could stay friend. Friendzoned.

After that, I didn't really felt these things for other girls. This year, there was a cool girl that I met with who I felt some love, but it wasn't that strong, even though I saw her oftenly. I said to her, IRL, that I had some love for her, I wasn't expecting to go out with her, it was some kind of exercise to tell a girl that I love her. She reacted embarassed but we continued to talk like nothing happened. There's also another girl, a girl that has sexy shape but I can't fall in love with her, she's like a tomboy and I never considered her as a lover. It was the only friendship I had with a girl where there wasn't any questions about love.(And I even told her. . .)
Some time passed, and I learned from someone that she felt some things about me. She even told me in many ways. We won't go out together because I don't feel any love for her, I do feel her attractive and have got a hard on when thinking about her(sexually) but no love.

And there's this girl(let's call her Hana) I met at a baptism of my friends's girl.(I'm sorry, I'm french and don't know how to spell this properly) It was in the beginning of september It's simple: I never saw a girl that captivated me since middle school. She's not only pretty but her personality is unique. I can't describe it, every single part of her made me fall in love. I know you'll find me ridiculous. But even a story about herself she told me . . . I found that detail so lovable, simply makes me love her.
With time, I kind of forgot her(not really but just didn't think about it) until her mother asked me if I like Hana. I coudn't say no, I told her that I found her girl had a great personnality, that she's pretty while not being a false girl. Her mother was not scared, she even said that I got it right, that her girl is like that. She said that Hana have a good esteem of me. I sent a friend request on facebook because I don't have any other way to contact her. She accepted me, I sent her a message that she haven't read yet. It would be so cool if we could see each other again.
It doesn't disturb me that she's four years older but would she want a guy like me . . . I don't know. But I do know something: I want to be with her, that's for sure, I even got this thing when you imagine your life with the person you love.

Today I feel tired. I feel like I don't deserve love, that it's not for me. I'm not lucky and I'm probably stupid. I've never been in a relationship and I'm still virgin. I feel like I'm useless, I've a dream that seems like impossible and I still want to make it true. Sometime I tell myself that I don't have what it takes to be in a relationship, even though I've make many efforts to work on my self-esteem. Like it'll never be enough no matter the work I can do about myself.

 

Hello. No, I have stopped thinking about it right now. Story of the past, it was a cool encounter and that's all.

 

It is possible, right now I lead a personal fight where I become the best version of myself.
It's my goal to have a girlfriend someday but I don't know, I'm more concentrated about doing my best and be the best version of myself.
It hasn't worked, well okay, I will remember that one day, I had a crush for a girl.(and more than one actually)

But well. . . it's life, things come.
I don't know if I'll meet love. I've learned that not meeting love in life doesn't mean you have to give up on your dreams. And honnestly ? I don't believe I will not met someone. I'm doing many progress and work is constantly done on me to become my best part.

I have never seen someone not being sure of their bi part, but strangely enough, I've seen many people who said they were bi being more later with someone from the opposite sex and staying with them. So I have my one thought about some bisexual people but I wouldn't want to accidentally offense someone and it's not the subject here.

 

You know, it was posted for almost one month and a half. ^_^
Many things changed since then. I don't share the opinion about what you say about woman, but it's not the point of my post. Just to tell I'm not concentrated about that anymore, even though I consider women as an important part of a man.

That's it !