The day my Marriage changed...

"What doesn't kill me, will only make me stronger."

Well, we woke up. We were breathing. We are not dead!

We will get through this.
We are gaining strength.
We are hopeful for change.

Goodbye yesterday.

 

Last night was the 1st night (since day one of joining nofap) that I went to bed alone. Sad and angry. I admit, I had fear that my husband would resort to his old ways of seeking comfort for himself. To be honest, I was so angry and tired, I gave up and distanced myself from him. "Go ahead, make my day", I said to myself. (he might have heard me).

I woke up at some point in the night and felt his arm around me, this was change. Prior, he would have fallen asleep on the couch.

Upon making my cup of coffee this morning, I noticed that the giant heart Reese's chocolate that I gave him for Valentine's Day was in the garbage, with nothing left but the wrapper. He ate it all. I felt really sad for a moment, that he might feel bad about himself now, that he might have a stomach ache today from all of that chocolate! But then I felt incredibly loved, cared for, and appreciative of the choice of comfort that he chose for himself. Obviously, as much as we all know, this choice is not the best healthy choice for him, but he chose the chocolate over the pmo. For that I am grateful.

Now I'm mad he didn't save any for me.

 

Changing the familiar:

Simple words and phrases, don't ever seem to change. The "I love you's", the "I'm on my way home's, the "I'm running late's". It's habit. I'm noticing that these words and phrases that have been part of who we are, and feel.... are now tainted from betrayal and broken trust. When my SO say's anything, and I mean anythingggg, it gives me instant reminders of all of the deceit. All that comes to mind is "I've heard that before". It's almost as if our entire existence as a couple needs to completely start over, from scratch. Learn new ways to express ourselves, use different tones in our speech, and different words to get our point across. That familiar speech, whether it be in person or by text, needs change.

I had a decent day yesterday. I went to my first individual therapy session, as did my husband. We had a good conversation when he got home and we both openly discussed our day and how our visits went. I felt the convo starting to decline for me from there, due to these "too familiar" words and phrases. It puts me in that unsafe place of feeling betrayed, and I'm struggling to shake it off. I'm sure this is par the course, but still trying everything I can in my power and abilities to overcome, or think of ways that will help. I think to myself, gosh, that seems kinda silly, He said he loved me! Why is this bothering me so much??! Then, it happens again, with other familiar phrases. I can't change how I feel. I explained all of this to him, and he totally understood it. That's encouraging, I'm not alone in how I feel! I sincerely think that if we try to change our approaches, words, phrases, and delivery to one another, even in the most daily things we say, it may help alleviate all of the negative reminders of the past. Because after all, we aren't living there anymore, and we don't want to! We are here today, and today is a new start.

On another happy note:
I went out to the garage this morning to do my exercise routine. In the midst of my bicep curls I glanced over at the treadmill with the bright red LED digital screen blinking. I guess my husband ran almost 2 miles this morning. This is new. First thought that came to mind was "he hit the treadmill to avoid a potential trigger". I'm sticking with that thought! ....Not only did I notice the numbers flashing on the screen, but I noticed he thumbtacked a photo of us on the wall above the treadmill. I had happy tears. Even those simple things that he does that remind me of who he is and how much love we have for each other. Adding this to my mental and written memoire's of change. I am grateful for the thoughtful, loving man that he is.....these are the very attributes in him, that make him who he is, that I fell in love with.

Although there are soooo many hurdles ahead, that will involve pain, heartache, anger, and sadness....I have some peace in knowing that we are on that path together. It won't be alone anymore.

Username change: A hidden reminder to myself.

 

Thank you @TheWife. I will take your recommendation, we need it, and yes I agree with everything you say. Improvement in all aspects is ultimately what I'm striving for. Hope you have a great day!

 

@TheWife:

In my google search for the book, I stumbled upon two smartphone Apps for this topic as well. I installed both, and from what I see so far, it looks like a great easy quick tool to use! The first one is called "Non Violent Communication" and the other is called "Kindmind". Thank you again for your advise and support!

 

I like the 1st one NVC much better! It literally puts your whatever feelings and needs you check off into sentences! Simple and effective

 

It looks like a good tool to use for better communication when we're dealing with our feelings of anxiety stress or anger. Hang in there I know how you feel. You're not alone.

 

That's pretty darn hurtful. I'm sad and sorry to hear that.

There are lots of great people on here, going through very similar situations as you. Your doing a great job at trying not only to help him, but yourself! Stay informed and keep your spirits up, easier said than done, I know. The support here is invaluable, it gives us more clarity, knowledge, and advise to help ease our days. Hugs!

 

Keeping the peace:

I'm learning so much. About me, about him, about us. All because something that needed to come out, finally came out. So much starts to make sense, and come together in your mind, when your hit with truth. When your hit with something other than what you thought was reality.

I, know me, well enough to know that this all would have been still worked through, had I known from the start. It may have been easier back then, minus the deceit, but it could have taken many different paths as well. We are on this path for a reason.

I'm gaining the knowledge and the tools that I need to move forward as a partner. I'm also gaining the gift of digging deep within myself, there's always room for improvement and self-discovery.

We had an in-depth conversation last night. Instead of feeling lost, insecure, frustrated, alone, or that loathing feeling of "your being lied too".....It ended up so much different. I was extremely fearful, sick to my stomach fearful, during that pause of silence following a question that I really needed to ask him. My inner-voice was screaming "OMG, you moron! You are about to get stabbed in your heart with an answer that might put your marriage in a coffin!" The hesitation was a mere few seconds, but felt like an hour! I got my answer. My heart is intact (I think it did a cartwheel )...there is no burial planned.

On that note, we are really good today. We both want nothing more and nothing less, than simply each other. This is giving me so much peace today. I'll take it!

I hope you all have a really positive, peaceful, warm-hearted love-filled day. I can't express enough how truly blessed and thankful my husband and I feel for the kind, genuine, honest support you all have given us. Thank you.

 

^^Truth^^

 

I can't believe that two weeks have gone by since my husband and I signed up for Nofap. It truly feels like six months to me.! I look back at some of my posts and I don't even remember writing them. That's almost scary to me. The amount of anxiety stress fear hurt anger and sadness must have put me in a trance state. It feels good to be where we are at now even being so soon in this process. Today I'm feeling super grateful for my husband's strength, determination and motivation to only move forward from here.
I am looking forward to our future together, because now,....I can actually believe in it.
Have a great night all!