a Valentine Reboot

Hi All.

43 year old porn addict here. I started my porn journey like most teens my age with magazines. Then the internet came along and I was doomed....first pictures then streaming movies. You know the rest.

I am happily married to a wife of 13 years who I adore. But for all these years there has been another, hidden side to life. Another sexual partner who changes faces and positions and scenarios and bedfellows every time we meet. Yes, porn! Glorious porn!

For all these years (since I could reach up to the top shelf at newsagents) I have been secretly stroking and stroking. When a relationship failed - there was the grot, waiting for me with scaly arms and forked tongue. When my woman wasn't interested, there was the filth waiting for me to self-debauch. And even when there was nothing wrong, there was my favourite porn goddess to share a few feverish minutes with.

So, what happened? Why not continue?

For all of the above years, I could get aroused to porn and finish within a few minutes, sometimes seconds. But a few months ago I notices a disturbance in the porn force. I wasn't able to any longer get aroused as I used to. I had to work especially hard, and get more and more inventive in my browsing, in order to get hard. Then I realised that sometimes I would reach orgasm without even being erect. How sad. Sadder than the usual sadness the lonely man feels cleaning up after his latest porn-fed jack-off.

And then, the worst happened. I couldn't reciprocate with my wife. Now, all throughout my porned life, I have been able to lead a masturbatory life side by side with a romantic life. Sex in porn and sex in bed were mutually exclusive. But a few months ago, I was in bed with my gorgeous wife (not just saying that, she really is very attractive) and nothing happened. I soon realised that my dead dick in bed was the same dead dick in my hand stooped over the laptop.

I couldn't satisfy my wife, and that had to stop.

What did I do? Like a good wankerer, I went back to my favourite site, browsed my favourite movies, and started chaffing away...with a limp, pasta-shelled penis.

That was ten days ago. Then came Valentines Day. We went out and, during dinner, I was overcome by a sharp wave of shame about what I was doing behind her back. I made a promise to myself to try something else.

I knew about nofap, like you know about air bags in cars. I had never thought I would need it. But after only being able to masturbate my shrivelled dopamine sozzled cocky next to my beautiful wife who wanted more of me, and after that epiphany in the restaurant, I looked up the site and read some forum entries.

BOOM.

It all made so much sense. I could not believe how many guys have the same experience. One thing about porn, and the shame of it while you are mopping up afterwards, is that it is such a lonely place to be. But sites like this give hope, and gave me the impetus to put down my penis and take my wife's hand and tell her what had happened.

What an intense relief, after years of sneaking around, to tell her what I had become. And to tell her what I was going to do.

So, apologies for this extended intro, but I wanted to make clear - I have just started on the journey, and I will add an entry in the Reboot section later (I have been porn free for not even two yet).

rinser,
43 year old recovering porn junkie

 

Hey Ostrich. Glad you have decided to try and stop the rot. I dont know your wife, but mine is pretty relaxed about sex and it's hard to shock her. We also have two small children so there isnt much time to get maudlin about things

I had kept the extent of my porn addiction hidden from her all those years. It is only when I decided to stop that I felt comfortable about telling her. I didn't make a big deal about it, but just let her know I wouldn't be bothering her for sex for a while. Who knows? Maybe she was glad of a break from me pestering her!

I would certainly recommend explaining things to your wife - you are doing it for her as well as for you, right? I think its tempting to get quite righteous about rebooting, and I am careful not to get evangelical about it.
In my heart I know I will return to porn, but right now I feel great.

My wife can for sure see the difference, as I am way way way more attentive to her than I would be if I had xhamster in my back pocket just waiting to be trawled through again. And again. I also have more time for my children - we are a happy family again. That sounds like an over statement, but I think porn is so pervasive, so accessible, so normal (yet shameful!), that we dont realise how it gets its hooks in you and becomes part of your daily narrative.

If you can, let me know how it went with your wife. Let the healing begin.

rinser.

 

Well, you are right, you dont need to go into the sad details. I didnt either - just let her know you are in the fight and leave it at that. Good luck. She will see the difference in you. MY wife sure has, and it happy for it. I almost relapsed last night, but a text message from a friend interrupted me at the crucial moment and I pulled back from the edge.