Yoga: the Yoga of NoFap with or without a lover

In my life journey I realised that I could not ignore spirituality if I was to truly realise my potential. As such, I read a lot about metaphysical and spiritual issues. Make no mistake, I am a normal guy. I listen to HipHop, I drive a car, I watch movies, I have access to modern technology and I live in a city. I've dated girls, been to parties, had crazy sex, been on drugs and have lived life to the full.

Now I am a Fapstronaut and Spiritual Seeker of Truth. I work for a large University in the city teaching Strategic Management so I am surrounded by ordinary people and faced with all the temptations a modern person encounters on a daily basis. And, even though what I'm sharing here is largely rooted in the Hindu/Indian/Eastern tradition I am not Indian nor Hindu. I was born and raised Christian but have just come to explore different hidden spiritual texts that are not found in mainstream religion. These include Christian texts, Buddhist and Vedanta (Hindu orientated) texts. Ok, so now that we have that out of the way...

I'd like to share with you this realisation. There is an ancient Yoga text called the Shiva Samhita. This text teaches ancient Hatha Yoga. But why is it that, if you go to any "Hatha Yoga" school around the world they will never reveal these verses which are verbatim from this ancient scripture?

Verses 59 - 64: “Ejaculation of semen [orgasm] brings death, preserving it within brings life. Therefore, one should make sure to retain the semen within. One is born and dies through semen; in this there is no doubt. Knowing this, the Yogi must always preserve his semen. When the precious jewel of semen is mastered, anything on earth can be mastered. Through the grace of its preservation, one becomes as great as me [Shiva]. The use of semen determines the happiness or pain of all beings living in the world, who are deluded [by desire] and are subject to death and decay. This is the ultimate Yoga.”

This does not necessarily mean you have to be celibate or single! This practice can be done with a loving partner. This is also in text which says:

Verses 53 - 56:
53. Actuated by mercy for my devotees, I shall now explain the Vajrondi-mudra, the destroyer of the darkness
of the world, the most secret among all secrets.

54. Even while following all his desires, and without conforming to the regulations of Yoga, a householder can become emancipated, if he practices the Vajrondi-mudra.

55. This Vajroliyoga practice gives emancipation even when one is immersed in sensuality; therefore it should be practiced by the Yogi with great care.

56. First let the talented practitioner introduce into his own body, according to the proper methods, the germ-cells from the female organ of generation, by suction up through the tube of the urethra; restraining his own semen, let him practice copulation. If by chance the semen begins to move, let him stop its emission by the
practice of the Yoni-mudra. Let him place the semen on the left hand duct, and stop further intercourse. After a while, let him continue it again. In accordance with the instruction of his preceptors and by uttering the sound hum, let him forcibly draw up through the contraction of the Apana Vayu the germ-cells from the uterus.

Any thoughts? I'd really like to hear other Fapstronauts who are interested in this subjects view?

 

@Ikindaknew For sure! I'll report on my progress as much as possible. It's definitely long-term, for me its more of a calling than it is an experiment - trust me I've tried to run away from it my whole life, but always kinda knew that spiritual realisation would be a big part of my being here. Thanks for your self-awareness and encouragement!

@Qwertynator Thanks for sharing! It seems the Taoist are well versed with this approach to spiritual development. I've met a couple of Taoists who have come across Sexual Transmutation in their path. You're right, it's very important to be in touch with what it's best for you at this moment rather than blindly trying to live other people's ideals. We each have unique paths and our feelings serve as good guides on the path as to which way to go. Whatever you're practicing or aspiring towards, keep at it and I hope you realise it!

 

This is an outstanding book. Much truth in it. Thanks for sharing. But it seems to require a lifetime or several lifetimes of practice! I think abstracting the essential pieces is what is going to benefit me the most. But it is a great storehouse of wisdom. YB

 

I agree - same for me. YB

 

Greetings Gentlemen! Thanks for joining the conversation.

@Dave_1 I cannot agree with you more! In fact, such a couple is called by Master Samael Aun Weor (The Great Contemporary Gnostic Master and Esoteric Psychologist) - a Perfect Matrimony in his book The Perfect Matrimony. While I find that not everyone can relate to his teachings and approach, I think that he captures the heart of the love that such a couple can generate in one of the chapters called Love, it's short and worth a read. I have two experiences recently with two different girls who said to me that they were willing to try Sexual Transmutation. I broke up with the one because she was bluffing, and with the other one because I just did not love her and even though we had good sex, we had never actually transmuted and I honestly doubted we ever where going to. I met the second one after 316 days clean on NoFap, you can read more about that story here. My point is, because I took NoFap seriously and practiced sexual transmutation as a single practitioner, I believe my faith brought these women into my life. I'm single enough because I feel I did not work on myself enough and the I wouldn't want to be with any of those girls for the long haul, so I'm back in the alchemists lab, transmuting in order to make myself worthy of the Perfect Matrimony for the outward is always a reflection of the inward and if you put in the effort, the Universe will respond with an appropriate partner - this is my experience. By following the heart and soul, many of the things that people strive, grasp and suffer for come to you as if by some magic force - its quite inspiring! the essence of my share here is that if you really want to try it and you think its what is best for your growth right now, go for it unrelentlessly and you'll be surprised as to the effects thereof on your psyche, health, vocational/career performance, and relationships with others. Plus its a mega PMO resetter while resetting your spiritual life. If you're not there yet where you wanna try it - its all good man. keep learning about and maybe one day it will be actionable.

@YogiBlues I'd like to hear more from you man. What do find interesting in the text? You stated "I think abstracting the essential pieces is what is going to benefit me the most" - would you mind sharing what these are for you?

@Qwertynator What is your new perspective on sexuality? I guess being, Fapstronauts we each have quite unique love/hate relationships to the concept of sexuality. It would be interesting to hear where you're at?

More Fire gents,

The Alpinist!

 

OK first I'll reveal my tragic state of ignorance regarding how to tag someone on a post! Perhaps someone will teach me how to do that.

Regarding the essential practices. Well, difficult to know where to start. Mantak Chia's book regarding Taoist practices is very very similar to the practices of Yoga as described in the HaTha Yoga PradIpika and in the Yoga SUtra as well as in Tantra texts. The terms are different: Tao centers are cakras in Tantra, channels are nADis etc. What is different is that Chia emphasizes bringing the energy down to the lower cakras (sacral and perineal/coccyx center) to live a joyous and controlled sex life. This is not emphasized that much in Yoga but the practice of retaining semen is described through the practices of vajroli, sahajoli and amaroli. Although Chia is very humble in his Q&A section and is aware of his ego (which I liked) my only observation is that he falls into the easy trap of thinking that the Taoist practices are a little superior and the source of all other practices. This is not uncommon even among accomplished practitioners and for a while I myself retained the notion of superiority of the Vedic and Yogic practices until I was able to completely embrace the concepts of Vedanta that everything is indeed Consciousness and so the practices in different traditions that lead to Self-Realization are no less effective or original than any other. What I do like about Chia's book is that he points out that arid self-denial and suppression of the sexual urge has caused difficulty to many on the spiritual path- unfortunately many so-called gurus have fallen, but this is not unique to any one tradition and it is pointless to say Yoga or Catholicism is to blame for it. To err is human and my take is to learn from those 'failures' because I don't really see those as failures. The Bhagavad GItA does point out that to be thinking of objects (say sex) while superficially restraining oneself is hypocritical, so every tradition acknowledges the importance of being honest to oneself- to thine own self be true etc.

I have been practicing the same breathing techniques from Yoga (one of my posts gives a link to a site by Anmol Mehta that gives good video descriptions) and the Kundalini awakening techniques (SwamiJ swamij.com has an excellent guide to this). Brief summary of the techniques (pardon the technical language of Yoga) I wrote in my journal in 2010:
"I have been practicing pranayama (Ujjayi, Nadi Shodana) and meditation off and on for about 10+ years but with many breaks in between (so not a serious sadhaka), but recently pranayama+meditation has been regular for about 5-6 months. I do asanas and then 1/2 hour pranayama+meditation in the morning, starting with Ujjayi, then agniprasana (what Anmol Mehta calls Breath of Fire for about 120-392 counts), two rounds of chakra meditation with Ujjayi (along the lines of bhuta shuddhi, but I didn't know the bija mantras and association with karmendriyas and jnanendriyas until reading SwamiJ's website), then Kapalabhati (120-392 counts), then I meditate (more recently Ajna chakra or anahata chakra), sometimes end with Nadi Shodana to balance Ida and Pingala"

By the grace of the Goddess I was blessed by Kundalini awakening around 2010 (don't want to hijack this thread with those experiences, but happy to share if anyone is interested) and it was a most dramatic, profound and life-changing experience. Since then I have been mostly celibate because the sheer delight of samAdhi (what people call trance, but that hardly captures the experience) is incomparable with the experience of sense pleasure. However, I had not purified my mind sufficiently and so I was engaging in M&O. So I appreciate Chia's caution and I think it makes sense that if one still has desires, it is better to enjoy these sense pleasures in a sensible and spiritual manner. So in terms of the essential practices, I would say the breathing techniques are the ones and I've already been practicing those only in Yoga we don't descend the energy (shakti or kuNDalini) to the lower centers (cakras). The reason for this is that once your shakti or energy gets awakened, it gives you tremendous power. Here's an excerpt from my journal in 2010:
"Kundalini awakening is like connecting a 110,000 volt electric source to the base of your spine, and it doesn’t turn off even when you are sleeping. It takes courage, determination and direction to harness this trememdous energy. It is as though we are all sitting on Harley Davidson motorcycles in our bodies, and suddenly one day we press the starter button and the bike takes off down a highway we have never even seen before"

So if one brings this energy down to the sex cakra then you need tremendous self-control to not go crazy with it. I know there are times when I could have just slept around and have boundless energy for sex, but this would have caused more mental distress and undone all the spiritual progress. Controlling the orgasm while having one's penis inside a woman is in my opinion a very difficult exercise. If one is already married, that is a great technique to train and master the mind. Right now I am single so unless the potential partner is equally spiritually inclined the connection breaks off very quickly, just like Alpinist mentioned.

The delusion of the physical world arising from desire and the stupid conditioning of P is such that I am still attracted to the physical aspect of women (ok I won't describe that here), but this "blindness" makes me ignore their emotional readiness and their intellectual and spiritual evolution. I am getting better every day. I now see all women as a manifestation of Consciousness and the Goddess, but I am open to a partner/mate if that should happen. I am getting better at recognizing their energy, their heart, their personality, their wisdom and their readiness to engage in a meaningful relationship. It has also taught me to accept different kinds of relationship with different women- just because a physical relationship is not on the cards doesn't mean that one can't have other kinds of relationships, but that is also playing a bit with fire because keeping it that way requires self-control on both sides.

My 2 cents. Hope it was useful. YB

 

Thanks @buzzlightyear ! Got it I think! Greatly appreciate your help in teaching me. YB

 

@YogiBlues

First and foremost, this thread belongs to all who wish to learn or contribute to it. So please my brother, do share. Those of us who hear the inward call are spread out around the world, so it's really good to share experiences with one another. Just like how NoFap provides refuge for all who wish to be free of PMO, so too does such a thread provide refuge for those who wish to explore the internal worlds.

Regarding your post; what Chia is suggesting is a great basis to start from, bringing the energy down to the Coccyx centre serves to awaken the Kundalini, but once the Kundalini is awake, the seeker must grow in order to manage it for their highest good. The superiority complex is very cunning but it is everywhere unless one has reached the highest and is totally ego-free which is very hard to find. Krishna makes it clear in the Gita that the Christic Principle incarnates whenever humanity has lost its way and needs some guidance. Christ has been worshipped by many different names (Krishna[East]/Christ[West]/Osiris[Egypt]/Hermes[Ancient Greece]/Quetzalcoatl[Mexico]). But I do not blame you for highly regarding Vedantic and Yogic practices, they are the oldest in the world and are truly scientific! There is no authentic spiritual path that I've come across that does not incorporate them in some way.

"What I do like about Chia's book is that he points out that arid self-denial and suppression of the sexual urge has caused difficulty to many on the spiritual path- unfortunately many so-called gurus have fallen, but this is not unique to any one tradition and it is pointless to say Yoga or Catholicism is to blame for it." You are very right here. In fact, when I decided to start having sex again, this is exactly how I felt. My practice of meditation and sexual transmutation had weakened and I was bursting at the seams with sexual energy - it had to come out! I think if I practiced better and more consistently I would have had more control, but it was a great experience and it was fun while it lasted. Lesson harnessed and it's time to grow further now!

"By the grace of the Goddess I was blessed by Kundalini awakening around 2010 (don't want to hijack this thread with those experiences, but happy to share if anyone is interested) and it was a most dramatic, profound and life-changing experience. Since then I have been mostly celibate because the sheer delight of samAdhi (what people call trance, but that hardly captures the experience) is incomparable with the experience of sense pleasure. However, I had not purified my mind sufficiently and so I was engaging in M&O."

Goodness gracious YogiBlues!!! Indeed, the Divine Mother Kundalini is ever so Loving!

You are one of the few very fortunate contemporary people to have experienced this. We would love to hear what it was like. Those shares from your journal are awesome - feel free to share more. How was it? When did it happen? Where? After how many years of practice? Was there something specific you did that you think brought it along? How did it affect your life? What happened to your body? These are but few of the many questions that I have.

 

@Alpinist
Thanks brother for your openness, support and welcoming attitude.
Here are some responses to your points (thanks to @buzzlightyear I've now learned to tag and quote sections of posts!):

There's nothing wrong with the methods that Chia describes, it is just that I've found the energy extremely hard to manage at times especially after it goes up and then descends to the sex and root cakras, and I attribute this difficulty to the remaining impurities of perception in my mind from past karma that manifest as lust, anger etc. Mea culpa of course... but by sharing maybe we learn from each other and help each other..

Very true, I am subject to it every day and am aware but unable to always see through it.

Thanks- I've always intuitively felt these connections, but first time I'm learning about Quetzalcoatl from your post- I don't know much about the Mexican Native American tradition but I'm now interested in it. At least for me the Egyptian concepts of ba etc are very understandable once one has understood the Vedantic and Yogic principles. Same for the Greek Stoic ideas and even their mythology of Zeus etc.

I am so glad for you that you had a good experience with sex and that is was fun while it lasted. (The Upanishads say life is to be enjoyed in different ways- sense pleasure is a reflection of the Bliss of the Self and although transient it leads us to higher forms of experience.) This is wonderful, and that you are using it as a lesson for further growth is great.

Thanks brother. Indeed, what you say is true. I'll excerpt passages from my journal from those days and hope it is of use. It might be in parts because the journal is very long!
Part 1:
May 12, 2010

Last night I had a very unusual experience that I am tempted to reconcile with accounts found on the Internet, but unsure to classify. Some background: I have been practicing pranayama (Ujjayi, Nadi Shodana) and meditation off and on for about 10+ years but with many breaks in between (so not a serious sadhaka), but recently pranayama+meditation has been regular for about 5-6 months. I do asanas and then 1/2 hour pranayama+meditation in the morning, starting with Ujjayi, then agniprasana (what Anmol Mehta calls Breath of Fire for about 120-392 counts), two rounds of chakra meditation with Ujjayi (along the lines of bhuta shuddhi, but I didn't know the bija mantras and association with karmendriyas and jnanendriyas until reading SwamiJ's website), then Kapalabhati (120-392 counts), then I meditate (more recently Ajna chakra or anahata chakra), sometimes end with Nadi Shodana to balance Ida and Pingala. About a week or so ago (approximately) I started feeling itchy/tickly in my spine right between the shoulder blades (like the spine inside wanted to be rubbed), and this was deeply satisfied by pranayama. Also of my own accord, of late I felt a greater need to meditate in the evening as well (so started the same routine in the evening also). Pranayama had already inclined me to give up alcohol, coffee and change my food habits over the last 4-5 months. In late April I had a peculiar distortion of hard reality performing focused gazing on a sugar dispenser as I was waiting for the water to boil "Things are not what they seem to be" is what went through my head. I wondered if I was experiencing Sukshma (subtle) nature of things (guna vritti), and feeling more of the Pranamayakosha (pranic body or chi body) when meditating/pranayama (I could feel vibrations, tingling in the finger tips).

Last night I woke up at 1:30am. It was not that anything really disturbed me and I was not fully awake, but not upset to be disturbed from sleep either. Last night before going to bed I had been reading SwamiJ's website on aspects of Kundalini awakening. I started to do pranayam (I do ujjayi and feel I am competently holding muladhara and jalandhara bandha). Remembering what I read, I tried to make Prana go downward and meet Apana upward during antara kumbhaka using both bandhas. [This is what Chia calls putting the fire under the water- same principle, different metaphors] Suddenly my entire prana flow below the manipura chakra went into some sort of fantastic rhythm all of its own: sort of squeezing in a peristaltic sort of motion, but of the prana (not the body I think). Then I felt some sort of a creeping feeling near the anal area as though something was entering, but not in the manner of a proctology exam (rather more subtle and pleasant). Then I started to feel vibrations in rings (sort of how the Star Trek engines operate with lights going in circular patterns) up my spine and that rhythmic flow of energy set up over the entire spine. I could distinctly feel it in the muladhara chakra. It ascended up through swadishthana and manipura to anahata chakra. I saw Hanuman (devotee of Lord Rama) at the anahata chakra. I also saw Saraswathi (Goddess), but I can't recall when. There was a lot of vibration, that's what I remember the most. I felt like a string on an instrument, at other times like a kite string drawn taut and played by some other agency. It was quite delicious in parts, but also scary. The vibration continued up to the vishuddhi chakra and then kind of went in two ways around my face (lower jaw and frontal sinus) and started vibrating at the Ajna chakra.

I also had a distinct feeling of falling- infinite falling- past frames of memories that I didn't even know existed. I heard a cry of agony once, but didn't know who it was. Another time I heard the cry of an infant. (I am not on any drugs- really, I am serious). At the Ajna, something more interesting started to happen, it felt like there were two doors (thin slits really) and they were trying to match up. When I did match up, I felt I saw an opening: it was like the female organ, but later felt like an eye placed vertically. At times I was scared. I remembered two songs my mother used to sing: I prayed desperately for Parvati (Goddess) to save me. Another song also came to my mind. The key feeling was "save me". I also prayed to Shiva to protect me. I promised (I don't know why) unfailing and unswerving allegiance to him. I felt I really needed someone to help me through this. These images comforted me, and I felt a lot better. It was around 3:30 when I looked at the clock again. I was exhausted, but also not really exhausted. I tossed around for a bit. In the morning I felt the vibration move to my head. I saw writing- at first just Devanagari (Sanskrit) characters separately, and then all different languages, some of it looked like Hebrew. I woke up at 600 am finally. Did my usual morning meditation (there is a huge buzzing all the time of late in my ears). The asanas were initially shaky, but I persisted, and I felt it would prepare me for more if that was in store. The pranayama was good. The vibration in the spine was there but not as strong as in the night. It feels reproducible, and I had also been noticing the day before that I was able to balance Ida (lunar breath) and Pingala (solar breath) mentally (sort of). Even through the day the vibration in the spine persists and can be strengthened with a few deep breaths. Increasing prana intake makes it really take off. Reducing prana intake helped me stabilize in the asanas. It has been a bit distracting [to say the least!!].

Today I feel a minor identity crisis. I went to work but it was desultory. I tried to get involved in day-to-day life as SwamiJ suggested, but when I eat I feel a bit disembodied. My spine and head are vibrating lightly all the time. There is slight soreness in the back at the top of the shoulder blades. I talk to my parents more often these days, but all I seem to be able to say is about spirituality, and to thank them for doing their duty by me in this physical plane. The isolation of this experience is a bit disorienting. I don't think I am losing my marbles, but there is no reference point any more. I love everybody quite easily, and nothing seems to matter much anymore.

May 12, 2010:
I read SwamiJ's articles on Guru etc. Very insightful and enlightening. Preparing tea I had the same samyama experience again, only much stronger. Objects are very luminous if I concentrate on them and have a slight vibration all the time. Then they sort of dissolve and I feel light and heavy headed at the same time. If I go too deep I feel I might fall down.

Closing the eyes leads to spinning objects. Last night at the vishuddhi chakra I saw an off-center flywheel, and the Indian symbol close to the swastika (spinning).


Note added May 23, 2010 on this set of kundalini experiences. While I thought I was asleep (at least not waking, perhaps in dream state) again I had two episodes of kundalini rising to the sahasrara (involuntarily this time). The first one was very clear. I was driving my car along a lovely sunny two-lane highway (the clarity of the image was like that in some of these Alfred Hitchcock movies Rear Window, I think), when suddenly I felt the car accelerate and that feeling of energy rushing up the spine. I was semi-conscious, and I felt like “Oh no, not again”. The car kept accelerating and the image of the road kept hurtling towards me. It went faster and faster until I merged into an amorphous image of the road in front of me. The instant of merging was very incredible. I thought this is what Samadhi might feel like.

Later that night, again kundalini rose strongly to the sahasrara. This time she was vibrating strongly and I could feel the torque of her powerful currents. At the sahasrara I was conscious of a strong heavy spinning, and could see and feel a chakra spinning behind my head. What was unusual was how I could both see the chakra spinning in my mind’s eye and also feel it strongly at the back of my head. It was accompanied by an extremely strong vibration, like a whirring of something very heavy. The central part of the chakra—the hub from which the spokes emanated—was obscuring a very intense light. I saw Brahma, Vishnu and Saraswathi. For many days afterwards I wondered why this combination. It is not the usual Trinity, but I had no doubt in my mind about Saraswathi. Then the gods vanished and only the spinning chakra and the obscured light remained for a little bit. I woke up sweating, but feeling very purified. There wasn’t so much pain as the first time around.
-----

YB

 

@Qwertynator "In life, everything is about the vibe you get from doing something, saying something, thinking something or may be just from being a certain way. This way of thinking really is what puts the pieces together for me!" I agree with this completely. In fact, if one contemplates it deeply enough you'll see that the vibration-matter continuum is quite blurry. In recent times I've earned to follow my vibratory guidance a lot. If something doesn't feel right it just doesn't and I've learnt to stop rationalising anything that doesn't feel right. Doing this makes me feel at peace, on my path and a sense of steadfastness and strength accompanies that. Thanks for sharing the channel, we'll check it out.

@YogiBlues "Pranayama had already inclined me to give up alcohol, coffee and change my food habits over the last 4-5 months." It's amazing that it naturally had this effect on you. Many report similar changes and perhaps this is what basic psychology is pointing to when it says that any addiction is a function of lack/fear/pain within. "The isolation of this experience is a bit disorienting. I don't think I am losing my marbles, but there is no reference point any more. I love everybody quite easily, and nothing seems to matter much anymore." You see, this is what scares me the most. This dissolution of ego. There is still a big war within me in this regard. My immediate reactionary thought is - that will make you vulnerable, people will be able to walk all over you! I feel a deep calling to transcend such inner fears but most of the time the animal nature and fear of the reality I know being dissolved grips me. Your story is very authentic and sheds a lot of light. In modern terms, what you're speaking of here has been termed Spiritual Emergency (SE) by some western esoteric psychologists. The best book I have read which details people's experiences of kundalini awakening is In Case of Spiritual Emergency: Moving Successfully Through Your Awakening. At least with you, your practices brought it on and so you had enough knowledge to keep you steady through some really scary and some phenomenal experiences. This is very helpful. How are things now, do you still experience those states or are you more grounded now?

@J Scott Thanks for sharing the links to Gnostic Teachings! Power to that, and dope Tetragrammaton avatar you have there.

 

Yes, I was thinking about this point that @Qwertynator brought up. Here's how I've experienced it- it is called Spanda (cosmic vibration) in the Vedic/Yoga literature. The world is nothing but one massive vibration of Consciousness, and its sound is Om. The other vibrations stem from this.

Yes, the path is self-curing but one has to stick with it with a determination. I was going at pranayama with a rare focus that is I believe intrinsic in all of us- one just has to tap into it. This laser-like focus is great if turned towards useful activities and equally detrimental if focused on the less useful ones. In fact the most addictive personalities are capable of the greatest achievements if only the mind can be turned in that direction.

Thanks for reading and appreciating brother, it means a lot to me.

One has to surrender, and the beauty and power of Kundalini is that you really have no choice. You realize you are helpless- a child in the Divine Mother's lap. Although the power is awesome, it is for your good. All the pain is only from our ignorance- nothing more. Yes, the fear of the loss of identity is the most fundamental fear. Most psychotherapists/psychologists/psychiatrists don't know this because they have no direct experience of this. You will leave your body and that near-death experience will make you stronger. It will make you laugh at death- that is just dropping your body just as you drop your pants in the laundry. You will become convinced that your true nature is Eternal. So don't fear the loss of ego, but you must cultivate faith as best as you can. I was a rationalist, reading existential literature, almost agnostic at times, but I was luck to have parents who have/had deep faith.

A ripe ego will survive even after the experience and it will do no harm to anyone or to you, so one need not worry about the ego's loss. You won't become a blubbering idiot- at least I don't think I have I've been more successful at my job (without intending to) although for a while I seemed to be just detached from it. You actually just get more functional and efficient at everything.

Yes, thanks for pointing out the Spiritual Emergency point- I searched and researched all that stuff during those years. Things have stabilized tremendously since then. No one can really tell anything different about me I think, other than that I have a beard now! But there are deep fundamental changes that those who know you can tell of course.

The main point I would say is that this is a purification process- purifying our perception and thinking of spiritual ignorance- and it purifies us of delusion, anger, greed, jealousy etc. The more purified one is, the less painless it is. I had a lot (and still have some) impurity and ignorance, so there was pain. If I got angry the pain would increase - so I had to change that.

Now the path to samadhi is very controlled and smooth and easy. The energy settles down into a gentle throbbing humming feeling that doesn't upset me. It can be activated at will by concentration and that makes the meditations easy and productive of deep insight.

Now two points I would really like to emphasize: (1) The experience is not as important as the wisdom that you gain from it. (2) It is more important to purify one's thinking than to feel one needs the experience itself, although the latter will lead you there too, but since you have to purify your thinking in any case, you might as well just do that always. So reading the texts on Self-Realization such as the Upanishads, those of Adi Shankara, Bhagavad Gita etc are more important. Equally valid are the Sufi saint's writings such as Rumi, or the sayings of Jesus Christ, the Bible, the Jewish holy books, or any faith tradition for that matter- these are all authentic but have to be interpreted correctly.
My kundalini awakening experience was very close to that of the drug DMT (I've never taken it - thank god, but read about its effects). All these drugs do is give you an experience that sense perception is not the only way to perceive reality. That's all. That's what inspired all the 60s musicians to write some great music but their lives were not uniformly inspiring at least to me. The Yoga
Sutra clearly states that samadhi can be attained through herbs- the ayahuasca and other traditions are testament to this. But I think this is not very useful UNLESS you have a Guru who recommends it. Because the experience by itself does not bestow wisdom always. Sometimes it just amplifies the impurities in the mind- fears and insecurities can increase. There are many who don't awaken fully and the energy gets stuck in a lower cakra and they seem to go bonkers- for that matter, the 'normal' world is also bonkers from the awakened perspective, but full awakening allows you to return to a complete functioning state in society and to attest to the wisdom expounded in the scriptures of all the great faith traditions. Reading the lives of saints such as Ramakrishna, Ramana Maharishi and Adi Shankara are in my opinion very useful, as also those of Jesus, Rumi etc (pardon my bias to my original faith that I was brought up in, I don't intend any disrespect to any faith that I didn't mention or don't know enough about).

So I'd say go forth fearlessly in your quest. When the time is ripe the teacher will come. If anyone would like to connect more with me on this I am happy to help.

Actually the feeling of being vulnerable is there before the awakening but after it you become INDESTRUCTIBLE, although you are incredibly soft and yes people can take advantage of you. But they won't! You will attract the best people to you. They will take care of you. Those that set out to harm you will become transformed and start to love you. But you may not enjoy life in the same way others do- this is for sure. Remaining desires will have to be slowly worked out. It seems like a strange path but it is not that different from what anyone is doing on these forums. Everyone has this wisdom and is a reflection of that Truth including you- it just manifests differently. All my best wishes to you and thank you for your interest. May you attain what you seek with the greatest felicity. YB