I Want to Live

It all began as a child. Growing up just as the internet had become popular and P was of easy access. Our family computer would be flooded with P because of my older brother (4 years older). I would often sneak up on him and catch him M and then would run away laughing. But soon I began to seek stimulation; as a child sees something, naturally he tries to re-enact it. My method was a bit different, it involved lying on my stomach and using my thumb for stimulation. Anyways I was PMO before I even hit puberty. I began to stay up late and crave stimulation even when P wasn't available. I would M to those sex chat line infomercial girls and even programs like the Red Rose Diaries or whatever little late night TV nudity I could find. We had a foldout couch in the basement and I would spend nights alone doing that. I remember the first time I O by sitting and stroking (or the "normal" way), I was overjoyed.

Moving on, I was always very shy and reserved as a child; I preferred doing activities alone. This quiet nature carried on throughout my years in school, and I've more recently realized that I'm an introvert. This made it hard for me to make friends and I remember during summer breaks, I would stay indoors and PMO. We also had satellite TV around that time so the material was abundant and my brother had taken summer courses (the TV was in his room). By 14 I had been exposed to very bizarre P. Looking back now it's sad as to how obsessed I was; I wish I had invested that time in playing a musical instrument or taking on a hobby. I would often fantasize about girls that I saw at school and would MO at home just imagining dirty things in my head. I was really into girl-on-girl action from 12-18. I had this thing I did where I would write down a list of names, two names on each line, of girls that went to school with me. I would then go down the list and imagine each pair lezzing out white I M. None of these imagined fantasies ever contained me doing stuff; it was like an imagined form of P.

Even into high school and college I would still PMO. As an introvert and virgin, I found it very hard to approach girls. PMO was a weekly, if not daily endeavor. I didn't realize the immense damage it was doing to me, such as my outlook on life and other people; I was a very shallow person. It also got in the way of my academics; PMO combined with marijuana and a lack of will, are the reasons I dropped out of college.

I began working full-time and would PMO using my iPod Touch in the single-person washroom. Although it didn't happen often I still think it's messed up that it happened in the first place. I was very unconscious throughout my life (in the sense that I wasn't mindful and my brain would operate on auto-pilot). Soon after, I met a girl and I lost my virginity; we then began dating. However I still craved variety and would PMO often. I also lacked confidence and my nervousness would cause me to go limp during sex. I can recall the various P phases I had: lesbian, Asian, huge boobs, redhead, and interracial. It all ended with interracial, for some reason I found this to be the most stimulating form of P.

I recently graduated college, even though PMO did affect some of my grades and I had to re-take a few courses. Now I PMO was less frequently, but when I do it lasts anywhere between 2-6 hours. I feel highly anxious after because I wasted so much time watching highly degrading material; a really crappy feeling. I find that P is very self-defeating; when I PMO I'm less interested in others, I'm less empathetic, less motivated, I'm lazy, I'm tired, my mind rages, I get slightly depressed, and so forth. The last time I PMO I actually cried because it kills me to see myself take part in something that is so counterproductive and disgusting. I also want it to end once and for all, it's been going on for almost 20 years and I feel like I need a change in my life. If I stick to this path of PMO I know I will get no where in life, I won't follow my dreams, I won't challenge myself, I won't be able to form genuine companionship - most importantly I won't be mindful in everything that I do. I'm tired of just surviving; I want to live.