1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

The benefits of being alone/single

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Namekian23, Jan 22, 2016.

  1. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

    815
    567
    93
    Some of you might be thinking I'm wrong, and I don't blame you. This forum is very unique though. I remember way back, all I ever wanted was a girlfriend...someone I could be with to make me happy. I had a caring family and good supportive friends. But my heart was aching to be with someone. I didn't care about anything else. All I knew was that a girl could make my life less miserable. Well, I got that...but it was more than I could handle.

    Guys, it's OK to be single!! I was in a confusing friendship/relationship with a girl who shattered my heart into a million pieces! I respected her, I cared for her, I loved her. And when I needed her at the lowest point of my life...she was never fucking there. She used me the whole time, and she had no idea of the other shit I was going through. So where do you cross the line between love and hate? Maybe in a blink of an eye?

    I ended the friendship last year. All I want to tell you GUYS is this: girlfriends are NOT everything. I'd rather see you all happy and healthy trying to build your confidence in everything in life rather than be heartbroken like I was. Take it from me please...it's OK to be single.

    I could care less about relationships. The whole time, I've realized that I need to make MYSELF happy before I find a girl to make her happy. I'm moving out soon. I'm going to discover the world, discover myself, and so on. I'm miserable living with my parents. Other than that, please take my advice. Focus on yourself and what makes you happy and girlfriends can come later. I'm happier knowing that a girlfriend isn't everything. I hope you took my advice seriously. Good luck guys.
     
  2. Francesco

    Francesco Fapstronaut

    58
    43
    18
    I personally went through something similar. I was affectionate to this girl and I fell in love. She was confused at the time (I think she still is). To put it very simple, she had been in a relationship with another woman. She needed time to be alone. She was questioning who she truly was. But I felt in love and acted selfishly. It sounds ridicolous, you should be attentive and caring with someone you love. I was just immature and self-absorbed. Maybe I still am, although I am trying to change my attitude. I could have been a better person to her, a better man. But I acted moved only by my needs. I couldn't make her happy because I was the first to be sad and desperate.

    I was convinced that happiness comes from being in a relationship. I started to hate her because I thought that she was preventing me to reach that happiness. Then I turned to pornography more than usual to cope with all the mix of rage, desperation and need to forget that was swooping in my head. This feeling of rage was expanding to others around me, leading me to misogynist attitude.

    Everything else you say sums up what I think now. Think about yourself first, good things will follow if you are on the right path.
     
  3. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

    1,577
    1,567
    143
    Sorry for the car analogy here, but every time I buy and drive a manual transmission car, I want an automatic. Then I get an automatic, and I start to wish I would have got a standard...

    As you can't be with and without a significant other at the same time...well life is complicated. Sometimes its a PITA to be with a women, and its frustrating to be alone...o_O

    NAMKIAN23, Good for you to feel good about being single...the only thing that matters is to be happy.
     
    ICleansedMe likes this.
  4. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

    815
    567
    93
    Thanks for your analogy, but it's more complicated than that. I think you can do a better job comparing cars to women and relationships. I'm not really saying that I'm happy being alone. I'm just relieved that after all this time, I was chasing girls around and getting nowhere, and realizing, however, that the main problem was me. This relationship taught me a lot about myself. I was insecure, naive, selfish, and I even failed to acknowledge how meaningful a relationship could be. That's only if you know how to handle it correctly.

    If I knew all of that before, I would have focused on myself a long time ago. I would be happy to have a girlfriend. It's not that I need one, I don't want one as of now. Relationships can be amazing; I've experienced it before. But there's nothing wrong with stepping back to take some time off and say "I think I need to get my mind off of this, and focus on something else." No one wants to be lonely forever; it's obvious. I just want to be alone for a time being, so I can finally change who I am and discover the real me. That's why I'm moving out. If I can take care of myself for a while, I can probably take care of someone else.
     
    Kiddy likes this.
  5. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

    815
    567
    93
    I'm glad we're on the same page. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Apparently, me and the other girl both met at the wrong time and at the wrong place. We were both very vulnerable, and shit can happen when you're vulnerable. That's why it's so important to look back on these experiences, and find a way to better yourself. I agree that you should acknowledge who you were with, and I clearly failed to do that.

    It took me a long time to get over her, and I realize that hating someone will never heal you. She had a lot of other things (a child at the time) to deal with and there was no way she had time for me. So, I had to find help elsewhere. She was clearly the wrong person to seek help to begin with. I still have mixed feelings about her to this day. A part of me envies all of her accomplishments and another part hates her for ignoring me. But deep down, I know she's a caring person...Anyway, maybe both of us may need some time off (I know I do).
     
  6. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

    1,577
    1,567
    143
    I understand...I can say that I wasn't ready to be a good contributor in my first marriage...we humans need to look at ourselves and heal before we get involved with another human being...mistakes are being made, years are being lost, damage is being done.

    I got in this second relationship with a porn addiction. My wife got with me with previous trauma and legacy emotional wounds from her youth...
     
  7. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

    815
    567
    93
    @ICleansedMe I agree with some of your comments. When I will be ready? That's a really good question, it's one that I can't be 100% sure of. I don't have a crystal ball to even predict that. But here's one thing I'm sure of, one thing a family member once told me. From my perspective, I'll know when it's time. And equally as important, she will know as well. You're right about opportunities, whether you miss to grasped that chance or not.

    However, in my case, I was in a predicament where the results were unexpected. I actually had the chance to be with a girl whom I adored. She was an amazing young lady, and we instantly clicked. I've never experienced anything like it. In fact, if I wasn't heartbroken last year, she would've been in my arms by now. Unfortunately, I wasn't ready; I really wanted to focus on healing and earning my degree. I took a risk, and paid the price. It turned out she found a boyfriend before I got to her.

    But I guess things happen for a reason. I needed to heal, and even though I had a feeling we could have had something together, I guess it wasn't meant to be. Good news: I have her number, she has someone to take care of her, and I wasn't heartbroken like last time. Just bummed out. I will always adore her, and now that I think of it, focusing on school was indeed the right thing to do. And in the future, I might have another chance. I don't know that for sure, but I know there will be other opportunities.
     
  8. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

    815
    567
    93
    I didn't mean to be a little contemptuous. You've had your dealt with the painful reality of being heartbroken (at least for me) as well. Unlike physical pain, emotional pain is a completely different animal. Ironically, the girl I was with had emotional scars of her own. How did she got through it all these years? I have no idea. At least we're on similar grounds; as for porn addiction, that's something I haven't expressed to a girl before. Now's not the time to think about it. Hopefully, your second relationship works out better. For me, I have long way to go before I consider finding a girlfriend again.
     
  9. Earl Sweatshirt

    Earl Sweatshirt Fapstronaut

    64
    66
    18
    Well, judging from what my friends told me that have been in or are still in relationships:
    • You save a lot of money
    • Your schedule is less busy
    • You can concentrate on other things (academics, job, friends, etc.)
    • No arguing or potential unfaithfulness from partner
     
    Gladiatori likes this.
  10. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

    1,577
    1,567
    143
    Folks it's not all black or white...there is ABOUT 50 shades of grey in between LOL PUN REFERENCE SMARTYPANTS MYSELF.

    Really, its an healthy challenge to stay with the same life partner and have an enjoyable life together. It's a real challenge, especially if you look at divorce rate numbers.But it's feasible. Your GF, wife, whatever HAS to be you best bud, road partner, fire team partner (military term), have your back. You have to be the same to her.
    You also have to be ready to take care of her if she is seriously wounded and can't have sex for the rest of her life with you...I realise its a worst case scenario, but trust me...think about it.

    But yes women are expensive lol
     
  11. Kiddy

    Kiddy Fapstronaut

    496
    238
    43
    I strongly agree with moving out of your parents' home. I did about 16 months ago and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I am learning to make all my own decisions, and I am growing so much. It challenges me to be more financially responsible, which I think is a big part of being a mature person. Speaking of maturity, that is probably the most important quality to have in order to have a happy marriage. My wife and I got married at the age of 25, and we both agreed that any earlier would have been disastrous as we were both immature
     
    Namekian23 likes this.
  12. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

    815
    567
    93
    You and I are on the same page. I can relate to most of what you're saying. I, however, have never lived on my own yet, but I'm making plans in the process. I'm saving up money, planning to work two jobs, and getting a credit card to build good credit. This will take a while, but by next year, I should be all set to move out. But thanks for your support on my decision. I appreciate it.
     
  13. Earl Sweatshirt

    Earl Sweatshirt Fapstronaut

    64
    66
    18
    Well since we are on the topic of being single, I deleted my profile for a dating website. I feel liberated in a sense.
     
  14. snowowl99

    snowowl99 Fapstronaut

    12
    9
    3
    There are mostly benefits for myself with being single. I like having more time for myself and pursuing things. It's the best thing for me with being single. Also, most of the relationships I had been in were pretty awful to lousy, not at first but it usually didn't take long for them to become that way. I am always happier which is kind of sad but when a relationship ends I get back things that got lost in spending either too much time with someone or with most of my relationships being pretty awful, I am no longer with someone who is trying to be controlling in one way or another, or there is stress from lousy expectations that they have and it's nice when that just goes away. I am just lousy with relationships, lol.

    At the moment I am living in the middle of nowhere pretty much and more of a hermit but it does allow me to spend more time on things that are more a priority at the moment which is good. And there are times when it would be nice to at least meet people and date possibly more but it's not something that bothers me much.
     
    Namekian23 likes this.
  15. Huntilt

    Huntilt Fapstronaut

    43
    12
    8
    I was me too convinced that hapiness and well being will be once I will be a relationship and in love. All my free time was about finding a girl, spending time on internet dating website, going on date and complaint to my friend why i was alone. Thus, when i met a girl i used to love, to focus all my energy, my time, my money for her, i was so blind and she treated me like shit, like sending dirty sexual text to a guy when i was in the same room than her cooking for her .. it was last year and when i read that i was devasted and miserable. But unable to stop the relationship because i was at the lowest self estim point and had any respect for myself. I guess she lost all respect for me when i said to her it's ok i excuse you... while i was sad when i was not with her and my mind was only thinking about her, who she is texting, she is talking . When SHE decided to break with me, that took me 3 4 months to barely recover and that when i found Yourbrainonporn. After that, I know that i wasn't ready for a relationship and being single allow me to be selfish, only think about my own life and try to love myself. I guess if you don't respect you and don't love yourself, don't espect someone else do it for you. I guess it's the first rule before be in a relationship. Thus, many advantage as said above :
    - Saving more money
    - Travelling alone or with friends
    - Focus on itself, making more sport, doing things we only like
    Of course, i miss being with a girl who care with me and show me affection, cuddling, kissing and i'm not satisfy when i met someone in a club. Sometimes i envy my friends when they got married, having kids, going on a honeymoon but its paradoxale because i'm not ready for it and i'm not sure i want to share my life with someone now . I'm still on a reboot process, my PIED is still not cure, I still want to enjoy my free weekend, and I want to live in London next year so i dont want to get stuck if my potential futur girlfriend want to stay in France.
    It's ok to be single :)
     
    Namekian23 likes this.
  16. Humans are by nature pair-bonding creatures, so we can never be truly happy unless we are in love.
     
    Namekian23 likes this.
  17. stickydude

    stickydude Fapstronaut

    25
    11
    3
    And that's exactly how it is, I can relate to it perfectly. After last, pretty bad breakup I kept hearing that I have to move on and live my life and be happy with myself. So I did that, I'm achieving things I wanted, I have more plans for my life I am excited with, I am usually a busy person too. But despite that I keep feeling on the inside that something's missing and I would like to be with someone to share these things and support that someone in growing simultaneously.
    It's just not happening.
     
  18. CurlyMinaj

    CurlyMinaj Fapstronaut

    11
    3
    18
    I totally agree on it is good to be single.

    A lot of my friends are also coming to this conclusion.

    A lot of times being in a relationship is like a millstone around your neck especially if you like peace and quiet.

    I can never meet someone who does not want to talk all the time- boring! Then they expect to spend most of their time with you when you are busy doing other things or would like time to yourself.

    When I was dating I realised as well a lot of people have questionable hygiene and grooming habits and if they don't they are often rude or clueless about etiquette.

    For me I like to be single.

    I must admit though that knowing someone cares for me is nice, so I am not that hard after all!

    I just find that when I get attention from a man, I could do with about 25% to 50% less contact than they want if that makes sense.

    I do not like phonecalls and I am happy with 1 or 2 texts a day and seeing each other once a week. Most people want a lot more than that.

    When I have lived with people they want to spend all weekend together, eat together every night and be in the same room most of the time and I find that stifling. So I just stay single now.

    Now I am NoFap, I wonder if any of this will change?

    I do sometimes feel like something is wrong with me.
     
    Namekian23 likes this.
  19. Mera

    Mera Fapstronaut

    75
    208
    33
    But that is not a loving and caring relationship. It was onesided and shit.
    I have a gf and sometimes I want to be single to have a quiet night all by myself. Drinking beer, eating chips and surfing the internet. I enjoy it when my gf is gone and I have the apartment for myself. So quiet, so peacefull, so calm. Love it.
    And then I start missing the shit out of her.
    My point is, if you are single and happy that is really, really good.
    But most people don't want that. I don't want that. The happiest memories I have were never alone, but in the company of others. Even if it is just netflix and chill, it is always better with your SO.
    All the best and good luck.
     
    Namekian23 likes this.
  20. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

    815
    567
    93
    I understand what you're saying man. That relationship that was definitely one-sided, deceitful, and wrong on so many levels. Trust me, I don't want to be alone forever, just long enough so I can figure myself out again. Like I said, I'm planning to move out of my parents house and living on my own. I realized if I can take care of myself, I have a better chance of taking care of someone else.

    I have all that I need: a caring family, amazing friends, a mentor, etc. Do you really think I need a girlfriend right now after all I've been through? On the other hand, I'm not saying I'll never need or want a girlfriend. In fact, I met the most amazing girl last summer. She was strong, independent, outgoing, etc. We just clicked, and I've never been so confident around a girl like that in a long time. I know the type of girls I want now, and that's why I'm deciding to be single for a while. Once I have a car, an apartment, and a full time job like her, I'll be able to find a girl I know I'm suited for.
     

Share This Page