Recently married seeks support for husbands pmo

So... I cried a bit reading through your posts.

The realization what I put my exwife through. she was by no means a friendly and supporting woman to me, but she did care. I can see a lot of her feelings in your words.

We split up a year ago. It did take me leaving to get better, and fully believe I had a problem.

My exwife's aggression and disappointment had become a huge trigger for me.

We had other problems prior which spelled disaster for us, so I can't say PMO killed the marriage, but me going an extended period of time without made me deal with my problems. I realized what I had been dodging for so long, and knew I needed to leave her.

I don't know your situation as well as my own, but if you love him, please try to be understanding and don't shame and scream at him. Let him go out without argument or you showing disappointment that he isnt with you. I would feel so guilty after those conversations making not relapsing so much harder.

I wish you and him the best of luck.

 

I do find the pressure to be the hardest things to deal with. It wasn't an easu process. I do remember that last month before I left. I felt disgusting, and depressed. I had lapsed again, and I was too ashamed to tell her. She found it on my phone. It hadn't been porn, but craiglist ads.

You can guess how she took it.

It wasn't my lowest point in my addiction, but it was my lowest point mentally.

I white knuckled that last month, but making it was a sudden clarity. I learned a lot about myself, it just took me nearly 2 years of only being able to go at most 3 days.

I don't know how severe your husbands is, but I had used to to drown problems since I was about 10. 18 years of using something to cope is a hard habit to drop, and I made up every excuse mentally to keep it going.

If he is anything like me, don't take his failings and excuses as assualts on you, it is very challenging to over come. I made it through the hardest part with heavy distractions, and admitting humilating defeat. I did better without ever admiting there was a problem, and I relapsed heavy again for minute.

It took the healthy time and the slow relapse to finally see who I was with PMO.

 

If your husband cannot enjoy a satisfactory sexual experience with you, it means that he needs to get into some sort of serious therapy. It is not possible for this to happen when someone is being abstinent from porn and other types of compulsive sexual behavior, unless there is some other dysfunction that would have to be analyzed. In any event, the problem is your husband, not you. The fact that you are feeling this way is the classic co-dependent symptom. You should not do that to yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Your husband needs to do the recovery work.

Also, with respect to your earlier post. I do not think it is true that men only care about women's body parts. We may act stupidly and need to learn to control this, but in the end, a long-term relationship only survives when there is intimacy, conversation, intelligence, etc. All the things that you correctly point out a man should try to look for in a woman. And many men are successful. It is not correct to assume that we spend all the time ogling, etc. At least those who are here in this website are trying hard to avoid that.

I am glad to hear that your husband came clean voluntarily. That is a good foundation to rebuild trust.

 

I feel you. But it's dopamine rush and all that stuff that makes the difference between real and the darn porn. Is you husband watching regular porn or is he into the fetish stuff (If you don't mind me asking)? Is he a victim of the death grip?

Stopping to watch porn is only the beginning. The next step is to relearn how to enjoy real sex like a regular human would. it starts by re-wiring the brain. Stop fantasizing about unreal stuff like porn.

Then if he's lucky and you work with him, he will have to re-learn to get aroused by smells/tastes, caresses, tenderness, pay more attention to his SO's needs, etc.

I know that what arouses me now is to please my partner.

 

Hi, nice to meet u
This is my first post on here.
Just edited a bit to shorten.

IMO, the first thing that is really needed in order for your relationship to flourish is going to be the hardest thing of all, complete honesty. I mean in terms of the thoughts and feelings that both partners have, regardless of how hard the truth is to stomach.

That means your husband needs to be truthful about every thought, feeling, and action. If he is on the verge of PMOing, he needs to be able to tell you right away. Also if he did PMO, he should disclose to you about it right away, even though it may be very hard for him to do. Telling the truth can be frightening especially for PMO addicts because they are racked with guilt over their thoughts, feelings and behaviors. The thing about lying is that, when you lie and not tell the truth, it will lead to another lie and it will only compound.

Now, here comes the part you already know. Pornography is a serious problem and it has changed the way a man's brain is wired. It is like a drug addiction and we get the craving to get the "rush" which leads to PMO. The thing about PMO addiction is that it can be overcome through rewiring the brain. This is the NOFAP that we are all challenging. The reason why we all failed in my opinion, that is relapse, was because we allow triggers to make our brain crave the "rush". Eliminating the triggers will help your husband to make the journey to recovery more smoother. Eliminating the triggers is also very hard.

In your husband's case, he does a lot of social networking through Facebook etc., and you all watch movies, TV, and play games. The problem with those activities is that they all have triggers that lead to PMO.

For example, even seeing a regular photograph of an attractive female celebrity on the Internet can be enough of a trigger to lead to PMO. Not only that but scenes with female actresses in movies or TV shows that may or may not be sexual in nature can also be a potential trigger. The thing is is that pornography objectifies females as sexual objects and that is how our brain becomes wired. Therefore any visualizations or imageries of females that we identify with our porn addiction can become a trigger. Like for example, a slim female wearing tight clothing with heels and wearing makeup that we see outside can be a trigger for some people. These triggers lead to PMO in my opinion. It's like placing heroin in front of a heroin addict and telling them not to use it.

Therefore, eliminating triggers is going to be a very difficult task for your husband. It requires self-sacrifice. It might even mean banning the use of a computer, banning watching movies/TV and playing games, and even eliminating FACEBOOK for some people.

Our brain is very interesting in that when we seek this rush and PMO, we will rationalize and justify our actions to PMO. We will use every little excuse to get this "rush".

First of all though, why not clarify what you and your husband wants from the relationship.

I believe sex in a relationship is important, but some couples remain faithful despite the relationship being sexless. Your husband may just have a preference for slimmer females. If that is the case, and you are comfortable with acquiescing to your husband's preference, you can consider slimming down through diet and exercise, not forgetting that you too can make demands of him (eg challenging him to do 90 days NOFAP challenge). BUT even before this stage, the PMO addiction needs to be overcome since that distorts the essence of sex between partners in my opinion.

Some members here are doing the 90 days or more NOFAP challenge. That means no PMO for 90 days or more consecutively!! It is really a challenge but in your husband's case, he has you for support 24/7 that many nofappers do not have the luxury of support. Your husband is very lucky

 

Hey @DireMerl going back a few posts I get what you're saying about the importance that looks are given in our society. I think Taylor Swift is a good example of this. Despite being incredibly talented and seemingly a nice, charitable person to boot would she really have been as successful if she wasn't beautiful? Most likely no. I think men face pressure about their looks as well though not as much as women. Look at online dating. From what I've read and heard from my friends the scales are massively in woman's favor and they basically have their choice of numerous men. When given such selection I imagine that women would filter out men based on their appearance.
Sadly I am guilty of this as well. At lunch yesterday I saw an attractive girl sitting alone. Part of me was thinking "what's her story?" If she had been a plain woman I probably wouldn't have given her a second thought. I don't like thinking this way. I'm no Brad Pitt myself and I don't want to be judged purely on my appearance. I'm hoping that as I continue to leave P and P subs behind I will also focus less on the visual and more on the person.

Concerning your husband I agree with @wanna be free about P subs and social media. It has really helped me to limit my social media use (I haven't checked Facebook in close to 2 weeks and feel the better for it). Also P subs are a very slippery slope and only help to keep the path to P clear and easier to return to.
Clearly your husband has not had the moment were he decides P truly is a problem and he is really going to make an effort to quit. To me your husband has at the very least two very legitimate reasons to quit.
1. He can't O during sex. This is not normal and I have read several stories where sticking with no PMO heals this.
2. Use of P hurts your feelings and is causing problems in your relationship. - Personally I feel like this reason alone should be enough. This gets me frustrated because I've read of multiple husbands who somehow don't realize they have a problem with P even though it is causing pain to their wives. If your doing something that makes your wife upset and causes her to feel bad it's a Fing problem....

My main suggestion for your husband to get motivated again is for him to read some of the Journals on this site. For me and perhaps for your husband as well it's inspiring to see that yes PMO addiction can be overcome and people's lives only change for the better when they give it up. I'll end this long post with a quote by @Bisconaut that comes from one such journal. I feel like your husband may be using P in this way. "In some ways I think PMO addiction is a symptom (albeit a serious one) of living a reactive life, where we derive pleasure from outside stimulus, seek validation from others, and engage in escapism to avoid negative judgments from the outside world"

 

Hi DM,

Yup, he fucked up. Then made things ten times worse with his crazy behaviour. How he handles everything now is going to be very telling for you both. I hope he comes to the realization that things can't continue like this and that he has a serious problems. He just hasn't come to terms with it yet, has he? Till this happens, there is not much you can do.

I hope the therapist can help you both out. Till then, keep your chin up and look after yourself.

@wanabefree - you wrote some great things about porn subs there. But, Please do not suggest or even hint that anyone needs to work out to make themselves "more healthier and attractive making sex more exciting". This is insulting and wrong. You should apologize. I have been lucky enough to see a photo of DM and she does not need to change one iota. She is beautiful. Even if she wasn't, her looks are nothing to do with the problems they are facing. She is having a hard enough time as it is without an thinly vieled suggestions that she is some of the reason for the issues. Don't do it again.

 

Well, it was not meant to be insulting.
If I offended, I apologize

I was only mentioning it because a lot of females actually do work out to make themselves more physically attractive looking for their husbands, IF AND ONLY IF they are comfortable with it. The reality is is that looks matter to a lot of males (and even females) and it is not just because of PMO that makes them stray away from their partners in regards to physical intimacy.

Ofcourse, ideally, it would be best for each partner to accept each other for the way they are, but the reality is is that when many of us get into a relationship, there are many expectations that we have that we don't honestly tell our partners for fear that we may turn our partners away from us. That is an issue in itself but no relationship is perfect and sometimes we need to clarify what our expectations are in a relationship. If that expectation happens to be physical in nature then it's up to the partners to discuss if that expectation can be met or not. In her husband's case, he has stated to her that he would like her to be more slimmer, so it is really up to her to decide if she is okay with it or not. But just becoming slimmer may not solve the issue, since PMO is the greater problem. The last thing we all want is to lie to our partners and continue going behind their backs to get what we cannot get from our partners.

Just to clarify, I have no intention of insulting at all. I am giving my comments because I genuinely would like for their relationship to flourish.

 

First off, there is no "if" situation here. You insulted all of the wives and girlfriends of PMO addicts with your statements. What you said is EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE.

This is not a fitness forum. This forum is for practical and emotional support for this with a PMO addiction and those that have the weary, soul-crushing task of supporting those addicts.

And you have been sadly misled if you are under the impression that PMO doesn't move them to stray from their significant others. There may be lots of other factors....but PMO is the underlying one that makes them devalue their mate and see her only as a body, in whatever shape that might be.

You clearly need to be on this program for quite a bit longer before speaking about these types of issues. Your value system is still showing signs of PMO thinking. If she HAD followed your advice, she would be just another codependent I'll-do-anything-to-keep-my-man unhappy woman. SHE IS NOT THE PROBLEM. She is amazing and beautiful and smart and loving and what most women aspire to.

PMO THINKING is the problem here. You need to seriously reevaluate your thinking.

 

Bloody well said @WifeInTheDark

 

I never said PMO was not the underlying issue. You must have misunderstood what I was writing.

It is unfortunate that you take my comment to be so offensive, but I understand that I have to be more sensitive to other's feelings more.
I apologize again for even suggesting that she can consider working out for her husband. I understand from your perspective that partners should accept and love each other for the way we are and that no changes should be needed to be accepted.

I am merely pointing out that partners should do their best to accept each other's expectations if it is within their boundaries to accept it.

I want you all to know that I was merely expressing myself not out of hostility but out of my concern for this post.

I already regret writing about my thoughts in regards to this post, knowing now how my post has sounded so offensive when it was not my intention to do so.