Sex just isn't exciting

SomeGuyUK · Mar 30, 2016

Thanks everyone for your comments. To be clear, this is a position I have found myself in; I haven't chosen it intentionally and I recognise it as a pretty huge issue, which is why I'm here posting about it. And the issue is exactly that: for whatever reason, sex isn't exciting me, but (P)MO would. (Btw I'm using 'sex' to refer to everything that happens between the sheets.)

Here's the thing that really bugs me. There I can be, both of us naked and fondling, but I'm not hard. I'm having a whale of a time, but no response down there, and my heart isn't exactly pounding. But in that moment if I touch myself (say she left the room for a second) I'm hard again instantly. In fact I could probably MO in 10 seconds flat at that point. But no amount of stimulation from her even produces a tingle; I usually go limp.

I know the reason: my brain has made such a solid connection between M and O (solo activities), and, as this is the first time in forever I've had a girl in my life, there is no connection at all between GIRL and O. All the time I have GIRL, my brain is saying "wow this is exciting - can we M now?"

When I'm on my own, I'm literally fighting back the cravings to MO (P not even required). As soon as she's there you'd think I'd be gagging for release, but suddenly I can't. The situation isn't conducive to O as far as my brain is concerned, rather like how a job interview is the last place you'd be thinking about sexual release.

At least this is all what I think is going on.

I am just hoping that continued abstinence (easy mode: sexual stimulation from GF only) will help! But it is very unrewarding work, as our time in bed is a series of continuous frustrations.

TakingTheSteps · Mar 30, 2016

SomeGuyUK said: ↑

Thanks everyone for your comments. To be clear, this is a position I have found myself in; I haven't chosen it intentionally and I recognise it as a pretty huge issue, which is why I'm here posting about it. And the issue is exactly that: for whatever reason, sex isn't exciting me, but (P)MO would. (Btw I'm using 'sex' to refer to everything that happens between the sheets.)

Here's the thing that really bugs me. There I can be, both of us naked and fondling, but I'm not hard. I'm having a whale of a time, but no response down there, and my heart isn't exactly pounding. But in that moment if I touch myself (say she left the room for a second) I'm hard again instantly. In fact I could probably MO in 10 seconds flat at that point. But no amount of stimulation from her even produces a tingle; I usually go limp.

I know the reason: my brain has made such a solid connection between M and O (solo activities), and, as this is the first time in forever I've had a girl in my life, there is no connection at all between GIRL and O. All the time I have GIRL, my brain is saying "wow this is exciting - can we M now?"

When I'm on my own, I'm literally fighting back the cravings to MO (P not even required). As soon as she's there you'd think I'd be gagging for release, but suddenly I can't. The situation isn't conducive to O as far as my brain is concerned, rather like how a job interview is the last place you'd be thinking about sexual release.

At least this is all what I think is going on.

I am just hoping that continued abstinence (easy mode: sexual stimulation from GF only) will help! But it is very unrewarding work, as our time in bed is a series of continuous frustrations.
Click to expand...

Man, I really feel for you. That sounds rough. :/ I think you're right about MOing wiring your brain to think of Oing as a solo activity. Even if you're imagining being with a girl, it's not the same as the real deal.

I don't really have any advice, but I really hope things get better for you! All I can say is, it takes a lot longer to get out of a pit than it does to fall into it. You just have to stay strong and beat this addiction and things will improve, I'm sure.

Rav70 · Mar 31, 2016

ISO, I agree! Passionate kisses!

zenman · Apr 11, 2016

I suffered with PIED for 8 years man, I totally know the horrible pain and shame you feel (It was through my first, loooooong awaited sexual encounter that I discovered I couldn't get it up. Ouch! What an unnatural shock to the system that was!). Of course you want this phase to be over ... ASAP! The only thing I got better at was being upfront and progressively more honest with my sexual partners about my ED (in a very weird way they probably even seemed to like the challenge. Because none of them got freaked out and left. Granted, there weren't that many, but that's off topic.). But frankly, that didn't help me.

Then I met my current partner. Tried sex, couldn't get it up, confessed my life's story to her. She saw me as an incredibly vulnerable soul who's been through hell and back and wanted to help any which way she could. And she understood that the ED wouldn't go away over night just like that.

It'll be of much help if the two of you expect this too. So for a short while, embrace the suck, my friend. Because guess what, after a couple of weeks I finally had real, penetrative sex. It wasn't glorious (scratch that, it kinda was), it wasn't perfect but it was a major MAJOR improvement. Afterwards, I still couldn't perform every time, all the time, because of a deeply rooted shame and performance anxiety, but we were both open about it and she was incredibly supportive, understanding and loving throughout the entire time. It was her love and affection that eased me into feeling more relaxed, less anxious. Without her support I would have only seen myself as a disappointment. We became more playful with our situation, stopped seeing it as a weird taboo that shouldn't be happening. It is. Sure it sucks to feel like a disappointment and it's frustrating having a naked woman lie by your side and you can't do the things you want to do. But in the process, I was learning to become accountable for years of unnatural behavior that not only messed with my brain but with my body too.

The brain chemistry was one thing, but it was going on inside my body without me being able to affect the outcome. I could only wait it out. But in my case, the thinking that went on inside my head was just as detrimental. I had to force myself to stop having expectations: about "performing" and having a hard-on, about overthinking and moving and acting in a certain way (a way I was conditioned through porn to believe was the only way to act to satisfy my partner), about ejaculating. Because all of that was also something that was holding me back. And I slowly and gradually stopped (over)thinking and having expectations. I learned that sex is not about fulfilling expectations but about being vulnerable and letting go.

It's a beautiful thing to be able to share your deep dark secrets with someone and they still love you. Seems to me you have the support and the love you need, but both of you need to relax and let go of expectations. The only thing you should expect is to not expect anything. Have an open mind, you can let her know during sex if you get anxious because you can't perform, you can let her know pretty much anything that goes on in your head. Because letting it out helps.

It's like wanting to fall asleep. The sooner you stop expecting anything, the more relaxed you'll become. And complete relaxation = the body acting in the most optimal way.

I hope this helps you on your journey to being fully operational.

Roasty · Apr 11, 2016

I am so sorry for everyone in this thread. I have never had such problems in my sex life, and it's hard for me to relate because I don't quite know how it feels
but zenman really knows what he's talking about. You need to relax and don't worry about having to perform well.
I don't even think it's 100% porn induced, I think it's about your emotions as well. If you're nervous, you can't get it up.
When I was worried about performance I would always DE. I managed to get over those worries quickly though.

You need a lot of trust with your partner and communicate well. And foreplay is really important (yes, for men too). Having a lot of foreplay with kissing and cuddling and touching might calm you down and get you in the mood.

I know I don't really have great solutions to add, but I wish you all good luck with improving your love lives!

Selfdiscovery · Apr 12, 2016

TakingTheSteps said: ↑

You gotta stay strong on the NoFap path, man. That's the only way to fix that.

Look at it this way. What you're describing, to me, seems like a pretty scary reality of how deeply addicted you've become. And I don't say that with judgment, because I've been there too, not being excited by sex and preferring to MO. I can say, now, though, even though my current streak isn't very long and I'm by no means "over" this addiction, that has totally changed for me. I honestly don't even know what happened that changed it. Just time, I suppose. But I can say with all honestly, now, that I would rather have sex than PMO, and that's something I haven't been able to say for a long time.

It's possible to change and for things to get better, but it will take time and a whole lot of effort. You have to focus on what you really want. If you truly desire for sex with your lady to be as great as it can be, then do everything you can to make that happen. No PMO, no fantasizing, having sex frequently, trying to be more intimate with her outside of sexy-times, etc. That last one is a BIG thing that helped me a lot. I came to a point where, instead of continuing to be frustrated by my desires to PMO and my lack of interest in real sex, I decided that what I really wanted was for sex to be as good as it possibly could be. So I made a list in my mind of everything I could do to make that happen, and one of those things was to spend more time with my man in general, outside of the bedroom. That really changed things a lot for me. He became a much bigger part of my life, and just being with him was more exciting than it had been in the past, which made sex more exciting on a different level. It also provided something that I love about sex that can't possibly be a part of PMOing: companionship.

I hope some of that helps. I've definitely been where you're at, and I know how frustrating that feels. It feels like it's impossible to fix, but that's a lie! Don't believe it! It is very possible.
Click to expand...

Fantastic @TakingTheSteps.really I too feel the same way.Though I'm still single and virgin.but what you pointed is damn true and practical.please encourage everyone here.it's worth doing it.I want to beat this addiction badly.This community needs people who has above written mindset and optimism.
Good luck to you all.

Selfdiscovery · Apr 12, 2016

zenman said: ↑

I suffered with PIED for 8 years man, I totally know the horrible pain and shame you feel (It was through my first, loooooong awaited sexual encounter that I discovered I couldn't get it up. Ouch! What an unnatural shock to the system that was!). Of course you want this phase to be over ... ASAP! The only thing I got better at was being upfront and progressively more honest with my sexual partners about my ED (in a very weird way they probably even seemed to like the challenge. Because none of them got freaked out and left. Granted, there weren't that many, but that's off topic.). But frankly, that didn't help me.

Then I met my current partner. Tried sex, couldn't get it up, confessed my life's story to her. She saw me as an incredibly vulnerable soul who's been through hell and back and wanted to help any which way she could. And she understood that the ED wouldn't go away over night just like that.

It'll be of much help if the two of you expect this too. So for a short while, embrace the suck, my friend. Because guess what, after a couple of weeks I finally had real, penetrative sex. It wasn't glorious (scratch that, it kinda was), it wasn't perfect but it was a major MAJOR improvement. Afterwards, I still couldn't perform every time, all the time, because of a deeply rooted shame and performance anxiety, but we were both open about it and she was incredibly supportive, understanding and loving throughout the entire time. It was her love and affection that eased me into feeling more relaxed, less anxious. Without her support I would have only seen myself as a disappointment. We became more playful with our situation, stopped seeing it as a weird taboo that shouldn't be happening. It is. Sure it sucks to feel like a disappointment and it's frustrating having a naked woman lie by your side and you can't do the things you want to do. But in the process, I was learning to become accountable for years of unnatural behavior that not only messed with my brain but with my body too.

The brain chemistry was one thing, but it was going on inside my body without me being able to affect the outcome. I could only wait it out. But in my case, the thinking that went on inside my head was just as detrimental. I had to force myself to stop having expectations: about "performing" and having a hard-on, about overthinking and moving and acting in a certain way (a way I was conditioned through porn to believe was the only way to act to satisfy my partner), about ejaculating. Because all of that was also something that was holding me back. And I slowly and gradually stopped (over)thinking and having expectations. I learned that sex is not about fulfilling expectations but about being vulnerable and letting go.

It's a beautiful thing to be able to share your deep dark secrets with someone and they still love you. Seems to me you have the support and the love you need, but both of you need to relax and let go of expectations. The only thing you should expect is to not expect anything. Have an open mind, you can let her know during sex if you get anxious because you can't perform, you can let her know pretty much anything that goes on in your head. Because letting it out helps.

It's like wanting to fall asleep. The sooner you stop expecting anything, the more relaxed you'll become. And complete relaxation = the body acting in the most optimal way.

I hope this helps you on your journey to being fully operational.
Click to expand...

Lovely!Thanks for sharing.

Selfdiscovery · Apr 12, 2016

SomeGuyUK said: ↑

Thanks everyone for your comments. To be clear, this is a position I have found myself in; I haven't chosen it intentionally and I recognise it as a pretty huge issue, which is why I'm here posting about it. And the issue is exactly that: for whatever reason, sex isn't exciting me, but (P)MO would. (Btw I'm using 'sex' to refer to everything that happens between the sheets.)

Here's the thing that really bugs me. There I can be, both of us naked and fondling, but I'm not hard. I'm having a whale of a time, but no response down there, and my heart isn't exactly pounding. But in that moment if I touch myself (say she left the room for a second) I'm hard again instantly. In fact I could probably MO in 10 seconds flat at that point. But no amount of stimulation from her even produces a tingle; I usually go limp.

I know the reason: my brain has made such a solid connection between M and O (solo activities), and, as this is the first time in forever I've had a girl in my life, there is no connection at all between GIRL and O. All the time I have GIRL, my brain is saying "wow this is exciting - can we M now?"

When I'm on my own, I'm literally fighting back the cravings to MO (P not even required). As soon as she's there you'd think I'd be gagging for release, but suddenly I can't. The situation isn't conducive to O as far as my brain is concerned, rather like how a job interview is the last place you'd be thinking about sexual release.

At least this is all what I think is going on.

I am just hoping that continued abstinence (easy mode: sexual stimulation from GF only) will help! But it is very unrewarding work, as our time in bed is a series of continuous frustrations.
Click to expand...

I think I can relate myself to this.Earlier even a thought of P or some fantasies would rush warmness throughout my body,I drained me so many times of a day.I got erection for nothing.I was helpless.but since past one year,I really fought this battle daily.And now I can really say it's a severe condition but it can be healed and treated.it takes time but is curable.I'm still not fully recovered but I can surely say that I'll be.
Keep fighting my friend. Keep learning.I trained myself,my brain ,my body for such a long....I can't expect quick results. This will take its own time.I know its really pains.it pinches but we must fight it ,to live a better and truely ours life.

Buzz Lightyear · Apr 12, 2016

SomeGuyUK said: ↑

Thanks everyone for your comments. To be clear, this is a position I have found myself in; I haven't chosen it intentionally and I recognise it as a pretty huge issue, which is why I'm here posting about it. And the issue is exactly that: for whatever reason, sex isn't exciting me, but (P)MO would. (Btw I'm using 'sex' to refer to everything that happens between the sheets.)

Here's the thing that really bugs me. There I can be, both of us naked and fondling, but I'm not hard. I'm having a whale of a time, but no response down there, and my heart isn't exactly pounding. But in that moment if I touch myself (say she left the room for a second) I'm hard again instantly. In fact I could probably MO in 10 seconds flat at that point. But no amount of stimulation from her even produces a tingle; I usually go limp.

I know the reason: my brain has made such a solid connection between M and O (solo activities), and, as this is the first time in forever I've had a girl in my life, there is no connection at all between GIRL and O. All the time I have GIRL, my brain is saying "wow this is exciting - can we M now?"

When I'm on my own, I'm literally fighting back the cravings to MO (P not even required). As soon as she's there you'd think I'd be gagging for release, but suddenly I can't. The situation isn't conducive to O as far as my brain is concerned, rather like how a job interview is the last place you'd be thinking about sexual release.

At least this is all what I think is going on.

I am just hoping that continued abstinence (easy mode: sexual stimulation from GF only) will help! But it is very unrewarding work, as our time in bed is a series of continuous frustrations.
Click to expand...

This sounds super scary. Just to keep it on the level of pleasure, the largest of part pleasure is knowing that you are giving someone else pleasure. I hope you get yourself 're-wired' soon! Good that you posted this as a warning to others that they are 'playing' with fire.

Kennen · Apr 12, 2016

Be careful.. You might look for a different partner next time.
I've tried different indecent sex just to find satisfaction.

How about her, have you satisfy her?

brownbear66 · Apr 13, 2016

SomeGuyUK said: ↑

I've recently started actually having a girl in my life, and I sort of enjoy doing stuff with her, but it doesn't excite me. Even though she's hot, and I like her, and the relationship is new!

I'm 6 weeks into no PMO, but the only idea that gets me excited is relapsing. In the bedroom I just don't feel any excitement. Good feelings, yes, but not much else. I barely stay hard and I don't even get a tingle of working up to climax.

No PMO has definitely improved this, but by only a small amount, and the thing my brain is crying out for right now is not sex but MO.

How can I get past this?
Click to expand...

Porn teaches us that one woman is not enough
Real women are not exciting enough
And your wife will never be enough.

Can I ask if your christian?

Rav70 · Apr 14, 2016

How do you know they will be with you forever if you are only 100 days in?

Kennen · Apr 14, 2016

ISO Happiness said: ↑

Not sure exactly what you are saying. Did you find satisfaction or at least learn something through experience so you can stop wondering?

It does remind me that I have two problems sexually: first I want to do everything I see in P that I like, second I like attention from women which is especially a problem because I am married. P created the first and affects both however both are very different issues I have to tackle.

Regarding indecent sex for satisfaction. A difficulty I have is accepting not ever doing sex things I have seen in porn as "not worth it, not fun as I think, best left a fantasy" it's so much easier to accept and learn things in life by doing them rather than philosophizing about them. A crux I can't get past. 100 days PM free and these thoughts are diminished however they will be with me forever to suppress and that's tuff so far.
Click to expand...

I've tried incest. The most indecent sex that I can state is with my cousin. We're both men. I had sex with my two male cousin.
I want more, I don't know if I already find satisfaction.. But I want more.

I want to have sex with the next one also..
This time...
I've already warned my cousin to be careful. I'm such an addict.

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Sex just isn't exciting

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