Broken promises, spirit and heart

Hey there Fapstronauts,

I've been meaning to post another thread for some time... I guess I feel like now I need it most as I just came across some triggers and almost relapsed. I should warn that this post has some depressing content.
I'm 21 years old, have been with my partner for just over a year now and have been addicted to P for some years -- started using when i was 12-13. I grew into bad habits and decided to not take care of my mental and physical health (The whole die young and hard crock of shit). I was at a real low point when I met my now girlfriend, and I couldn't be more grateful to have stumbled upon her. I've been shown things that I only saw in tear jerker movies and had begun to forget about.
Though this is my first proper girlfriend and I've never experienced love like this, I still feel an emptiness deep within my soul. It doesn't always show itself to me, but it's there every day as I battle through this addiction. I am still attracted to other girls/women, and am growing more sexually confused with occasional bisexual fantasies. I haven't known whether I am recognising my bisexuality or whether the fantasies are another perversion that I have developed from excessive porn use, but I'm trying to just let time tell as I battle my addiction. We've spoken a couple of times about some of these feelings, but she isn't aware of how much it has developed.
I've broken the heart of the girl I love more times than I can bare to recall... Our relationship has got to a point at which she loves me so much that she says she does not want to live without me, and when I've relapsed or taken drugs in the past she has self harmed. Most often in ways I wouldn't know about such as choking herself. Now it is taking less for her to feel this way/act on it and I am in a place of total confusion.

I fear that I can't love her the same way that she loves me. I don't know whether my addiction just has such a strong grip over me that I can't help but to sexualise other women or that it is also because I am not truly in love with her. One of those things I know that I can change, but the other -- I just don't know. At times I feel that I might leave her and spare her the pain of our relationship if I wasn't so fearful she would do the unthinkable. I am constantly reminding myself that I can reach a place at which I can give her everything she deserves and be her true soul mate. We have so many plans for the future and I know that I want her to be the mother of my children, but sometimes I feel that the love I have developed for her is just not fierce enough.

I don't know how many people will read all of this post, or what I hope to achieve exactly-- I guess I'm hoping that I will open my mind a bit in writing this and maybe even get an honest opinion from anyone here.

I'd really appreciate anything guys. Thanks.

 

I want to grow up with my girlfriend and experience the world together, and eventually make a life and a family for ourselves. Though there are things which I would like to experience by myself or with other close friends of mine, and I am finding it very hard to lift into those situations as we are living together in a new city and spend almost all of our time together. I truly desire to be happy in this relationship and make it a life long commitment, but there are times that i feel as though I'm not emotionally satisfied or that my sense of adventure isn't stimulated. It makes it so much harder when I see other girls and am attracted to them or when I have sexual fantasies that don't involve my girlfriend. I'm faced with the question of whether I am really 'in love' with her or whether I have grown to love her, but not to enough depth for this to be a healthy relationship for the both of us.

I've just finished my first year in a Bachelor of Environmental Science and Management, and I have never felt such confidence and passion. I know that I can be truly satisfied in this field of work and pleasure, and it seems to be the one thing in my life at the moment that I want as much or more than our relationship. This apparently isn't the same for her though... We both have our problems and it's become quite evident that we are both emotionally unstable -- She is not satisfied with her degree, and is very confused about her future. I am the one thing she knows she wants for sure, and we both know that there is an imbalance here in our relationship.

There are a long list of problems that give me doubt about the depth of my love for her, so I wouldn't unload them all onto any readers of this thread, but one example is that she has put on quite a bit of weight since i met her, and was never physically like the ideal I had built up in my head. I know that I am so wrong for objectifying her (and all women) in this way, and that the problem is mine, but it bothers me at times. Not only in a sexual context -- she has actually become too self conscious to enjoy certain activities that I wish to do, and is not helping herself to rehabilitate from a long standing back injury or become fit. I have for so long had dreams of doing things that she would be restricted from because of this. I'm finding it really hard to try to motivate her and at times feel as though i'm being held back from other experiences.

All of that being said -- this relationship has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have discovered the person I truly want to be and I couldn't have done it (atleast at this stage) without her. She is the person I want to be the mother of my children. I think I should re-evaluate my reasons for that, but when I have in the past have been caught not knowing whether it's the idea of her that i'm in love with or whether I am truly in love with her. Again I feel that my P addiction has greatly influenced a lot of my struggles and dissatisfaction which have inevitably lead to doubts. I guess I'm just trying to find out exactly how much of it is is due to my addiction -- or whether anyone else here has experienced troubles such as these.

 

Thank you I appreciate your kind words and am sorry to see you've gone through similar issues...
I'm also sorry I spared some details in my original post out of fear that I would write too much aha... I am familiar with the reboot process. I have made it to roughly 30 days about 3 times now, but haven't made it past that marker -- it seems to hit me hardest there. Unfortunately for me the fantasies have become much more intense and frequent in the later part of my most recent 35 day stint. This has added to my confusion all the more, although I know that a month is not enough to get the kind of clarity I am seeking.

You're right -- we do need to do that. We have talked a few times about seeing counselors as it the plans of action I have promised her I have failed a number of times. She made me to promise I would tell her every time I have strong urges, basically making her my accountability partner. I have failed to do so on two occasions and relapsed, and both times as well as all the others she could just tell that something was wrong, and I couldn't lie to her. I've really been digging a hole for the both of us, and she has grown so insecure that I can't trust her not to hurt herself when we get into big arguments. I think I need to seek help, but I have been reluctant to actually seek out professional help.In the past when I spoke to a counselor they told me that use of P is normal etc. (I don't know if I had realised at that point that I was an addict) and I guess I fear that I may get the same result again. Would you have any more advice for me?

Thanks

 

It's good to know that someone here has experienced similar issues related to use of P. Thank you for the info on HOCD and the link to your journal! I can see I'll need a while before I can really start to develop my understanding in this area.
I haven't really had a plan for M, and have been using around 1-2 times a week. It seems as though the most intense fantasies come about during those times. I am now considering a reboot from both O and M. My girlfriend wants me to abstain from M as well (she feels that it will prolong my recovery)... I guess I've been in denial.

 

Yeah I agree -- even in minor doses I think that there are many issues with P on an individuals perception and sexuality. There are also exterior issues related to the industry that I've only seen addressed in a youtube video (which you and your partner might appreciate if you haven't seen it: ). I can't see a councelor bringing these to light -- as you said I imagine many would be in the dark about these issues, or at least reluctant to address them.

Yeah I fear that my girlfriend and I would end up in the same situation... I still think that she should speak to someone about her self harming, because I feel that she must have some deep rooted issues contributing to this. As a female partner, would you have any advice to offer her in this situation? Even an article that you have found incredibly helpful, or something that has helped you overcome any insecurities? We would really appreciate it.

Thanks

 

Thanks heaps for the articles! Unfortunately I had trouble opening the second link -- the file could not be found. I know we are both so young and have emotional stability issues of our own, but she truly believes I am the one -- her soulmate. We talk about it sometimes and I believe that if there is someone it has got to be her. I really love her and the idea of having children with her and growing old with her, but at times I can't help but feel withdrawn slightly from the idea of staying with her forever. I feel that these feelings often come about when i'm affected by symptoms of my addiction that make me feel unfaithful etc., but it is worrying. I want to believe I can do this for us 100%.

I'm sorry to read about your partner... I really hope that the relationship between you two strengthens as you grow and he overcomes the trauma he may be suffering. It seems like you are an incredibly supportive partner to him. Good on you!
It is a great video hey... it's helped me a lot.

 

I'm sorry to see you are in this position brother... I really appreciate your comment -- it helped me out of a bad way. It seems that these feelings of dissatisfaction sure could be fostered by the deceptive brain messages, being a common PMO withdrawal symptom. Although, we have become quite unstable, and it can be a bit of a grey area trying to figure out whether we are growing apart. Lately I have mostly been looking forward to/enjoying the events or activities that haven't involved her, as much as I don't like it. These feelings might also be due to me not having been in a relationship before and now living with her after a relatively short time of being together. Especially seeing as though I lived a very irresponsible and self focused life before meeting her.
I'm not going to give up yet... I can't rule out my PMO addiction as a key influence until I complete my reboot phase.
Good luck to you mate!

 

I can relate to this a lot mate -- especially about all the "logic" being defied by that little tug in your heart. I'm sorry to see that road can take you to such a dark place. I appreciate you opening up and telling me a bit of your story man.

Yes. It is worth saving.

Thanks