Heirs of the Sun April "Change Your Life" Challenge Thread

April Challenge

Part 1

"What happened or is happening in my life that led to me turning to porn for comfort and to escape reality?"

This is a tough question to answer because any answer I can think of leads down a chain of cause and effects in which the root cause is difficult to pinpoint. However, I think it’s safe to say that my inferiority complex is the main source of the problems in my life that lead me to porn. The lack of confidence I have in myself leads to me having a poor social life and low career expectations. I feel below average in both categories. I feel as if I am not good enough for other people. I feel as if I lack basic skills that puts me at a disadvantage in life. This all translates to low motivation.

Before I continue, I’d like to mention that these are deep rooted feelings that I try to ignore. For the most part, I try to be a happy individual. I try to be a good friend to people. I try to improve myself in different ways. But like I said, the problems I stated in the previous paragraph lead to low motivation. Instead of trying out new hobbies and learning new skills, I prefer to watch YouTube videos, play games and watch TV shows. These activities do not fulfill me. They leave me feeling empty inside. This is what leads me to PMO. I want to fill that empty space in me. This problem doesn’t even seem hard to fix. All I have to do is start trying out some activities. I can start learning new skills, studying more or reading more books. And in the past year, I’ve made progress in doing these things. However, I always end up back in the same place. I end up back in my comfort zone of mindless stimulus. The thing is, I know what I am doing is bullshit. I know I am wasting my time, but instead of fixing it I simply allow myself to feel guilty. I try to escape this guilty feeling through PMO.

Everything I’ve said till now is worsened by the fact that I have no one I can talk to in my life about these types of things. My family is very judgmental. I’m not on an emotional basis with my friends. So I have the feeling of inferiority inside of me coupled with guilt and sadness. I try to be a happy and upbeat person, so I keep these feelings inside of me. And heck, when I’m hanging with my friends or doing something fun, I can almost completely forget these feelings. But when I get home, they come rushing back which leads me to the only things that easily allow me to escape reality: watching videos, watching shows, playing games and of course PMO.

Part 2

Setting goals is pretty challenging as well. I don't want to set goals that I have a high chance of not accomplishing because it will be worse for me in the future. Setting reasonable goals is key.

Short Term Goals
1) Find an outdoor activity/hobby. If someone were to ask me what my hobbies were, I'd say playing chess, reading books and playing games. All my hobbies are indoors. Although I do love playing soccer, I think I need another outdoor hobby that I can do by myself if I want to.

2) Follow my "good habits" to a tee. So in the past few weeks, I've slowly added small good habits here and there, but sometimes I break them. Although a separate goal could be made for each small habit, for this challenge I'll lump them into one goal.

3) Get an internship. The summer can be brutal for someone like me. Having so much time on my hand is asking for me to PMO. I need an internship to take up my time.

Long Term Goal
1) Stop watching videos on YouTube. By this I mean, stop watching mindless crap on YouTube. YouTube can be great for education and other things, but I use it mostly for watching crap. Now, the reason why this is a long term goal rather than a short term goal is because I don't think I am capable of simply stopping. I've tried going cold turkey and it led me back harder than before. But by slowly watching YouTube less and less while doing productive and fun activities more and more, I can eventually just stop filling my mind with mindless stimulus.

 

April Challenge

"What happened or is happening in my life that led to me turning to porn for comfort and to escape reality?"

Where do I start? It's because I love women. I always wanted to be close to them and it's my illusion to do it through sex or pornography. (False thinking of sex as the only way of intimacy.)

In reality building up relationships with girls seem to be so difficult and so embarrissing. But I like to keep it simple. But that is not life. I learned that now. Life is not a chess game. Maybe it's a speed chess game. Everytime you put a new parameter into a system (for example time) it gets more complicated.

I was a chess player for 10 years. I was also very sportive. Doing a lot of stuff like parkour, gymnastics, lifting weights, wing chun (chinese martial arts), etc. I did all those scary things in parkour... But when it comes to women I am the best example of a coward. I never kissed a girl or let alone had real sex with women. ("This killed me.") The way of carefully planned out thinking I used to do in chess wasn't always useful anymore. Sometimes I have to take risks more often in order to become successful in life.

It all started with puberty with 12 years. We got illegal Pay-TV for free from a neighbour who's electrician, so my dad could watch live soccer. At an usual day I started to click through the channels and suddenly found porn for the first time. I became extremly curious and couldn't believe my eyes. But I wasn't really hooked by it. I was just curious. So at this time my homornes where all about to turn me inside out. But I felt like having no way of getting a girl or don't even had a clue how. It all seemed so impossible for me due to my low self-esteem because of my bad parenting, I got beaten up when I did something, I don't even know why, and when I had average marks at school. (yes, I am an asian.) And getting compared with others and emotionally insulted. I never felt like I could do anything for me, only just serving others.

Later again the electrician gave us a new computer with high speed internet when I was about 14. And then my time as an addict started. First with the internet then computer games and of course pornography too. My perfect way to run away from reality. Everytime I came home from school I was happy to turn on my computer and watch porn and play computer games. At 19 I was about to finish my school and had to chose what to do with my life. For the first time I had the big decision to make what to do best for me. I felt stuck. I was still the shy person and socially disconnected in my view. So first thing I did, going away from home. I took everything with me and went to a new city. There I hoped for big changes. New hopes in life and success with people especially women. But it wasn't like that. I was a loser. No charm, no personality. I knew I had to start from scratch. I had to do it on my own. And that's when my dark years alone and isolated started. That's when I found myself the most. That's when I started reading books, fighted computer gaming addiction, ate healthy and learned everything about healthy food, practised to lift heavy weights and meditation everyday and tried to learn everything within my power on how to be good with people especially women and finally on how to develop my personality and to be productive to my maximum.

Yes, I still regret wasting so many years in front of my computer and I hated the 1 year I spend all alone isolated in the nowhere. I know that was my toughest time. But at the end it's my biggest achievement and evidence that no matter how deep I fall into a pit, I will always find a way back to the surface.

That year deepened the relationship to myself to a new maturity. And because of that today I have great relationships with my friends. I can talk about everything with them even pornography and my struggles when I encounter the biggest obstacles, they listen carefully and are great people. I am grateful to have them and know them since I'm a kid. I like keeping old friends close. Old but gold they say. And it's true. I'm really happy that I refreshed those relationships.

Small Goals
1. I don't take myself too serious, laugh at myself and just talk about anything/problems (for example pornography).
2. I improve my creativity, working out harder and toughen up more. I keep playing the guitar, singing, working out and taking cold showers. Get disciplined and do the most disgusting work early in the day or at my prime time. Do 30 Days of PMO-free and get my Bachelor done. (Like in the film Whiplash but also be gentle to myself, only happy people are productive, find the middle. I. e. reward myself properly.)
3. I confront the opposite sex. Have fun. Speak with some women I walk by in my everyday life. If I like them, take them out to do something together.

The Big Goal
Becoming an entrepreneur in order to have more influence and change the world in my view of a good life. And help people around the world in something that I am highly qualified.

Thanks for reading my story, I hope there were some things you could relate to Sorry if my English is not so good, I really tried haha. This is the better version of my story now, I edited quite a lot, let me know if I can do better, have a nice day!

A Vikings' Son
___________________________________________
"You act like mortals in all that you fear, and like immortals in all that you desire." --Seneca, On the Shortness of Life

 

"What happened or is happening in my life that led to me turning to porn for comfort and to escape reality?"

I believe I started watching porn out of curiosity. It was alright in the beginning as I was busy and focused on my then goals. The real problem started in college when I got the high speed internet. I have a bit of speech impediment, so I takes a lot of time for me to make friends; forget about talking to strangers. Even though I don't look that bad, I believed then that I am not gonna get a girl friend. So, I used porn for the release initially. But then, things went on a downward spiral.

I didn't have any friends for the first 3 years of college. I was lonely and I was living alone. I didn't think i can get a girl friend so I didn't even try. The relationship between my parents began to sour, although it was bad since I was born, it became worse once I left home for college. Add to it the fact that I was not doing well academically and I was confused about what to do after i graduate. I watched porn to escape from all these problems. I didn't know how to deal with them. i didn't talk about them to any one. My confidence and self-esteem were at the lowest. Then, PMO became an addiction. Although it took me about 3 years to realize i was addicted.

I used to porn to get away from any discomforting situation. Some times even for motivation to do a certain task. I even used it when I was bored. i didn't have any certain goals in my life. I wasn't interested or focused in anything, because i just didn't have the willpower to go for anything. After graduation it became worse, probably the lowest point in my life. My family wasn't there to support me. I made some bad decisions. No surprises there. I was seriously depressed. And then, I realized the reason for all this. I wanted to get rid of this addiction.

I started the NoFap challenge in February. It took a lot of time to convince myself that I am an addict. That PMO addiction is as dangerous as any drug addiction, probably more. This is my fourth attempt. I want to get to 90 days eventually. Right now I am learning web development. I hope to get a job eventually. Kicking this addiction is my number one priority. I am trying to keep myself busy everyday. I am still learning a lot about this addiction and various techniques to deal with it. I am also learning to deal with discomforting situations and depression. I am working on my speech impediment too.

I am still pretty lonely right now. Not having any friends makes this challenge unbelivably hard. I am not gonna try to get into a relationship til I reach 90 days. This a very difficult challenge, but I have no choice. I want to be the master of myself.

3 small goals:
1. Run and meditate regularly.
2. Work on my speech til I am absolutely confident about it.
3. Cultivate spirituality.

Big Goal:
To know about myself and to have a control over my senses. I want to get a job I like, and earn the capability to do whatever I want to do.

 

Sorry guys, I have posted this in the man wall, here it goes again:

April 2016 "Change your life" challenge- Part 1

I started my addiction to M when I was bullied and sexually molested by other classmates in 6th Grade of Elementary school, when I was 10 years old.
I understand now that I felt so embarrassed and weak that I started idolizing the same kids that abused me. I started masturbating with the image that they were strong and beautiful, and I was a loser who just need to serve them.
I could never speak out and tell my parents what happened to me, because I felt I was guilty.
Later on I started M with gay porn magazines, afterwards the first VHS appeared and I started renting and buying them (Yes, I am an oldie, lol). I used to rent them and make pirate copies because I did not have money to buy as many as I wanted!
It became easier when DVS's were created because were much easier to hide (I was already married and with children by then). I paid a PO box in the local post office so I could get them by mail.
As you can imagine, when porn reached the Internet it was a big feast! I could watch as much as I wanted, did not need to hide any more videos, and could switch from one scene to the other with a click (much different than the VHS experience, for sure).
I escalated to male escorts as the last phase of my addiction (as you know, we are never satisfied because of our high dopamine levels, so we need always to escalate more and more). I spent thousand of dollars and time in Porn and escorts, which of course now I regret.

What is sad is that two years after my traumatic sexual experiences with those kids I changed to another school , became the "popular guy" with the hot girlfriend and apparently moved forward in life.
I got married, had kids, built a successful career, and became an instructor in one of the most renowned universities in the world.
But inside me , the trauma of what I had experienced stayed. I could not move away from that "low self esteem picture" I created to cope with that pain.
Every time I have a problem or I experience stress, the urges for PMO come back.

Fortunately, I discovered that I was PMO addict one year ago by accident, watching Gary Wilson Ted Talks video, and found NoFap three days later.
This changed my life, I will celebrate my first PMO Free Anniversary on May 12th.
Porn is not an urge for me any longer, but I still have some urges to M when I feel sad or stressed at work or at home.
The good thing is that NoFap and NoFap Academy gave me the tools to confront those urges ( To put the Gremlin to sleep, as Mark Queppet says).

Fercho

 

Hey guys! I know I'm late to the challenge. But I truly do want to change my life. I'll explain why I didn't just sign up on April 1st later in the post.

"What happened or is happening in my life that led to me turning to porn for comfort and to escape reality?
My interest in pornography started off innocently enough, though at times I do wonder...

So basically, I have had sexual desire for women from a very young age, around 4 years of age. Now, I don't know if this common or not, since most boys start to express sexual interest in the years leading up to puberty. But I specifically remember myself experiencing strong desire from an early age. Since I didn't know any better at the time, I never thought much of it, and eventually I started to stimulate myself. It got to the point where now when I look back, in the years leading up to puberty, I was basically masturbating, and even felt that rush of pleasure without actually ejaculating. It felt amazing, and though I was certain at the time that what I was doing was not normal, I didn't care, and continued to do it.

I discovered porn right around when I was going through puberty, at 12 years of age. I started off with just pictures of women in bikinis. Then, at around 6th grade I discovered full on porn. And when I look back, I do remember feeling drained of my energy after I PMO'd, each and every time. I still didn't know any better. However, during the 8th grade, I started becoming scared. I new what I was doing was wrong, and thought that I could go to jail for doing the sort of stuff that I was doing. So I remember googling "going to jail for porn" (or something of that sort) and red some articles about people actually going to jail for porn (I didn't actually look at anything illegal, just the "normal" stuff, but at the time, I didn't know any better. ). I was so scared, I finally broke down and told my dad. He was shocked. I think he felt some guilt about not protecting me from this, and told me not to do it again. And so I did. For the rest of the 8th grade and my freshman year of highschool, I abstained from porn and masturbation. So yes, I practically did NoFap before it even existed, but I didn't do it for the right reasons. I simply did it because I was scared of getting in trouble. So I played it safe, and edged and sometimes looked at pictures of women in bikinis, but never looked at full on porn nor masturbate to the point of orgasm.

When I became a sophomore in high school, I was sick of staying away from PMO. I was't arrested, and all my friends did it. So I did too. And I continued to do so for my whole sophomore year. It was normal, everybody did it. But for some reason, after I everytime, I felt so much shame, guilt, and pain. Why was I doing this? I knew it was wrong despite what all my friends were telling me, but I still did it. As a kid, I was never awkward socially. But ever since puberty, I wasn't the same, and I believe that PMO played a huge role in that. I had no self esteem, no confidence, and was extremely shy of girls. Although I was decently physically fit and intelligent, I never had the confidence or desire to be social, and during highschool, I used to come home, lock myself in my room, do what hw I had to do, waste time on youtube, and PMO. That was my life in highschool. I never questioned it, because technically I was doing better than most people. I was rank #2 in my school, and I never, ever questioned it. Then, in my senior year of high school, I experienced so much confusion, anxiety, and depression that I questioned everything. My grades dipped to B's and C's, and I just didn't care about anything. I was just so confused an constantly turned to PMO whenever I was stressed. I was doing so poorly in school that I almost failed a class, and this could have resulted in me getting kciked out of the university I was recenly admitted into. I was actually admitted into a faily notable college, but you an see where this going. When I went there, it resulted in disaster.

My first semester of college was utterly devastating to me. It was so much harder than high school, and I didn't know what to do. I had never had to work so hard in my life, and so I didn't. Instead, I blamed it on everything else. I became mentally insane, and depressed. I remember never going to class, and instead oped to spend all my time in forums about religion, philosophy, etc. I didn't know who I was, or what I was. And yes, I continued to PMO. And so, I withdrew before the end of my first semester, and went back home in shame to my parents. And during my time off, I was still confused and depressed. And still PMO'd. Then, I had to go back to school, and then t finally hit me, why was I doing this thing that continued to make me feel depressed and shameful and guilty. That is how I discovered noFap. Although I was aware of it before, I never took it seriously, but now, I wanted to. And so I did. I was having streaks of about 20-30 days at a time, but never went beyond that. I never looked at porn, just masturbated. This time was still extremely rough, as I relied on PMO as a way to relieve stress. Really, NoFap exposed to me all of my flaws, insecurities, and guilts, and for a time, I even considered suicide. But I managed, and passed all my classes. But this semester, I just spent all my time thinking about my past, and all my regrets. I actually started the new year on NoFap, and lasted until the beginning of March. However, because I was depressed, I lost all hope and so I relapsed. And i binged. Up until now. Heck, I relapsed during my Spring break, and something broke inside of me. And so I decided to join this group and do this April challenge. I didn't actually join the challenge then, why? Well, for something trivial, really. You see, I am trying to become a good person, and I simply told a lie to my father about how I did on the midterm I had that day. And well, I lost it. ANd I didn't sign up. I told myself, tomorrow i'll sign up. And then I didn't, and I lost more hope, and so I finally PMO'd today, twice, and I don't want to ever do it again. That is why I am here.

3 Small Goals:
-- Take a cold shower daily
-- Eat right and exercise daily
-- Bond with my family

Big Goal: The MIT Challenge, devised by Scott H Young

Scott H. Young is a freelance blogger who writes about discipline and getting more out of life. A few years ago, he put his discipline and will power to the test, and devised the MIT challenge. In this challenge, he would try and learn a 4 year computer science degree in one year, without actually going to the school and instead buying the textbooks and using MIT's free open courseware (which consists of MIT posting lectures, assignments, projects, and exams for free on the web). And so he made this challenge public, and gave a weekly update. To finish a course, he would attempt to learn the course itself via the textbook and lectures, do most of the assignments, all of the projects, and take the exams. After he would take the final exam, he would post both his exam and the solution online for anyone to see. And he succeeded. He completed the MIT challenge in a year. He essentially taught himself 4 years' worth of an MIT Computer Science degree in a year for free. Though he ever got an actual degree, this just shows where discipline can take you. I want to do this. I'm in college right now, but I want to move at an explosive rate.

 

What made me turn to PMO?

I first turned to it out of curiosity. I discovered MO when I was young, but it started being prolific around 12 years old. Throughout middle school and high school, I struggled with MO, but not P. I felt like I was doing something wrong, but it felt so good. It became a coping mechanism when bad things happened in my life. I struggled with loneliness throughout middle school and high school, so I would turn to MO to escape. Then it became something I just did when I was bored or alone. I discovered Psubs in high school I think. I would get alone and look at the pictures and fantasize about what I wanted while MOing. I have a very good imagination, but I remember it not even being that sexual back then. It was mostly about getting the dopamine rush from MO while fantasizing about girls. I talked to some people about it and tried to stop, but never did. Then I got a computer my senior year of high school and it got worse. At that point it was still only Psubs. I do not remember when I first looked at porn, but it was around senior year. Then when I got to college, it got worse. By this time, I thought PMO was wrong and felt a lot of shame about it. I am a Christian, and I felt like it was a huge problem in my relationship with God. For years, I had tried to stop. I had tried to get accountability, talk with people, and try methods of quitting. I even talked with my dad, but he did not really help. He is a great parent, but he just did not have the tools to help me. Back to college and first getting into P. It became something that I knew was wrong, but felt so good. When bad things would happen in my life, I would turn to PMO. When I was bored, I would turn to PMO. When I was stressed, I would turn to PMO. It was this weird state where I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I struggled to stop. It was a big part of my life, but it never seemed to ruin my life like others. I still went to class, got good grades, and generally had a good life. Then I had my first girlfriend my sophomore year of college, and PMO influenced how I interacted with her. I told her about my PMO problem and she tried to help, but we were both foolish and young. Instead of helping, it hurt our relationship and made us lust after each other more. We went farther than we both wanted. I am still a virgin, but by the skin of my teeth and the grace of God. Again, I am a Christian and believe in saving sex for marriage. I also believe that every time I look at P, I am committing adultery with someone. Fast forward through some other bad relationships and attempts to stop and you get closer to now. I had some good results in the last two years, but still felt frustrated I could not completely quit. I found the Fortify program with Fight the New Drug and did that for a while. However, it never felt like enough. I would still turn to MO for relief and an escape. Finally, I found this group at the perfect time and it helped me on the path I am now. I still struggled with PMO, but I can proudly say I am 97 days free of PMO and 258 days free of P!!! I am changing the pathways in my brain that expected PMO. I am changing my mindset of using PMO as a way to escape. I am changing the feeling that it is inevitable that I am going to fall.

Small Goals
1. Write daily in my personal journal
2. Do at least 20 pushups a day
3. Go without my phone once each day

Big Goal

Be more intentional with my time.

This means planning ahead more, rather than just living moment to moment. I want to get better at getting things done before they are due. I want to plan out what I am going to eat rather than getting hungry and getting fast food. I want to plan time for recreation, rather than watching YouTube for several hours without planning to. I want to spend less time on my phone. I want to get to bed earlier, and wake up better. All of this culminates in a lack of intentionality with my time. If I plan better and execute on that plan better, a lot of my problems can be solved.

Stay Strong!!!

 

"What happened or is happening in my life that led to me turning to porn for comfort and to escape reality?"

My first exposure to porn was my own doing in middle school. Ironically it was our schools filter that sparked my curiosity. Like many filters they block websites that often have nothing wrong with them. I remember multiple sites I would go to would be blocked because of "Pornography" even though they were completely harmless. But I wanted to know why these sites were blocked so I went to them at home. Of course those websites were indeed blocked for no reason but I was now curious as to what bad thing our school was trying to stop. As with the many stories told above demonstrate it is not hard to run into porn on the internet. So I easily found what I was looking for. Middle school me didn't know the ramifications of what I was seeing so I continued to view it until my parents discovered it. Once they found out of course there was a lot of guilt I felt and embarrassment. However, I just better at hiding it and hid my pornography usage to the best of my abilities for years.

High school sucked for many reasons and I used Pornography to escape and supplement my loneliness and desire for true companionship. My high school was a k-12 school. So most of my class I have known since elementary. This is particularly difficult when you are severely bullied by those people in elementary school. So for me high-school as a place where I was trapped in my social position. I couldn't be who I really am because that got me bullied in elementary. I was stuck and I was very closed off to people. My friends never knew my struggle with porn and yet I only continued to go through the endless cycle. Use porn, feel terrible, use porn to stop feeling terrible, feel terrible. I hated myself in many ways and with that my self esteem didn't exist. I was convinced the only way people would liked was to be basically neutral. Don't be yourself because you hate that guy and they will too.

I came to college and the opportunity to leave that situation and start a new has been only for the best! However, I was still struggling with Porn.
But here is where my story and slow recover begins. My sophomore year I finally told a friend of mine about my struggle. I don't think I will ever forget that day. Years of pressure and guilt just left me. I was being honest to myself and others about my situation. I finally accepted that fact that I couldn't fight this alone.

Two and a half years down the road from that day and I would not be able to recognize my high-school self. I still struggle with Porn but my place in my addiction is drastically different. I have power. I am continuing to learn to loose my pride and shame about my struggle and realize that one day not only will I be free but I will be able to help others.

I first came to pornography out of curiosity, then just to escape my pain. Now I struggle against the addiction cycle my brain is so used to. Now I fight against the urges to use and keeping the right mindset.

Goals:

Primary-To go the whole month of April with no PM.
Unfortunately it has been several months since I have had that kind of streak. I will use my three small goals to accomplish this.
Support
- Workout three times a week, Mon, Wed, Thurs
-Be active on NoFap at least once a day i.e post, reading, commenting ect.
-Establish and keep a morning routine
I find my weakest moments are often in the morning. Sleeping in or lounging around creates too many opportunities to fall.

Thanks for reading!

 

I kind of want to do this now, haha.

 

"What happened or is happening in my life that led to me turning to porn for comfort and to escape reality?"


I was an escapist, an avid daydreamer who always used to keep wandering aimlessly in his own thoughts. I was about 11 years old (24 now) when I found porn and it seemed really exciting at that time. I have always been a shy and timid person so I found solace in Porn and masturbation because it let me release all my anxiety and fears. I kept on fapping on and on for around 12 years almost daily. I had a beautiful girlfriend in my high school days and we had been in relationship for around a Year and a half and the she chose to broke up because she felt that I was not "up to the mark" for her. The fapping continued for 4 more years post breakup during which I also completed my Degree. During this period I flirted aimlessly with countless women, had a couple of very casual relationships also. One thing which I realized in the past couple of years is that I always blame situations or luck or people for my failures and it’s a loser’s quality. This faulty attitude lead me to porn and masturbation, it led me to weird fantasies and wishful thinking and doing nothing.


In 2014 I was searching for motivational videos for getting rid of my irrational FEAR OF FIRE-CRACKERS (I conquered this fear it in 2015) and that’s when I found a guy who wrote in his blog that he was on NoFap and he used to suffer from the same phobia like me, but it was gone now. I thought it was some magic shit or something and I had no idea what PMO or NoFap was. Slowly as I started reading the success stories of people on reddit and yourbrainonporn.com I came to realize the real problem in my life which needed immediate attention. I started watching inspiring YouTube videos and listening to some really good audio-books. I didn’t join NoFap but I tried 30 day hard mode by myself. In the past 2 years I have failed in my NoFap journey at least 5-6 times and my longest streak was around 14 days only. On Feb 6th this year I had a very important entrance exam for a job for which I was preparing for the last 10 months, a month before the exam I was mentally paralyzed by exam fear so much that I gave up studying and i just appeared in the exam just for the sake of it. I completely fucked up my own life, I wasted an entire year for this exam and I had prepared for but I lacked in self-confidence and feared my failure so much that I just gave up on my dreams. This was the biggest failure of my life and I was really disgusted with myself for being such a fearful person. I suffer from social anxiety also and that’s why I never attend parties and get together.

On March 1st of 2016 I made up my mind, I was tired of being an average guy. I hated myself for being so timid and fearful in tough situations. Maladaptive daydreaming was slowly fucking up my entire mind and my life. PMO was killing my soul and was draining my physical energy. So here I am trying to change my destiny. I am on NoFap hard mode and currently treading on a 90 day mission.


My 3 small goals:

1. To become physically fit by exercising for 30 minutes daily and maintain a healthy diet.
2. To reduce my social anxiety disorder by interacting with people more often and reduce my daydreaming problem by living in the moment.
3. To get rid of the innumerable fearful thoughts and enjoy each and every day as if it were my last.


One big goal:
1. To become the best version of myself in each and every sphere of my life, get a good job and stop comparing myself with others so that I can live my life to the fullest with no regrets and worries.

 

April Challenge
Part 1 :
"What happened or is happening in my life that led to me turning to porn for comfort and to escape reality?"
My first experience with MO was when I was about 9 or 10. It was a very awkward experience for me,since I started masturbating prone.I rubbed my genitals along the bed sheet and felt a high,and I still remember something awkward happening when I continued to rub for some time(which is an orgasm,of course).I remember that I MO'd 3-4 times for the first time when I encountered with MO.I didn't know what it was,but it felt good and gave me a high,so I continued doing it.When I was about 11,we got Internet in our house,and with the advice of my Friends,I opened a P site,but immediately closed it.At the start,I was more into kissing,music videos,..I would name this as Semi Nudity.

But as the time passed by,I entered more into P and fast forward 3-4 years,I found out that PMOing was affecting my life.It was affecting my health,social interactions and studies.During my childhood,I believe I didn't have much problems,but soon,I started having them due to my P use,and those P-induced problems itself induced me to watch porn and escape the reality.Every kind of distress would result in going to my room and PMOing.It became more fierce,when I got a mobile phone with an internet connection,and more furious when I got a laptop and installed a Wifi modem in our house,back in 2014.

I was never into girls,except for one or two situations,where I didn't go for the sexual interaction,but just because they were sweet and I liked talking to them.Also,there was an ego-boost related to it to,since I always hit on Senior girls,almost 3-4 years.But,slowly,it faded away too.My sexual appetite was always fixed by porn.And whether I would get some achievements or get some failures,or get exhausted,I would always switch to porn.I started becoming a little shy to girls too,maybe overthinking about my status in their minds.To me,the women on the western side felt more appealing and giving joy at that time than the eastern ones(since I live in East,and Major porn production is in the west).

But,luckily I found out NoFap back in July 2014.I was still a sophomore then,didn't know much about life and Addictions.Since then,I have started my self improvement journey,and I can surely see myself as a better person now than I was in the past,even though a lot of work has still to be done on myself. I wholeheartedly accept this opportunity to set these goals to make my life more peaceful and happy:
Part 2
Minor Goals :
1.To do a full stretching session daily until end of the month
2.Not eat junk food or unnecessary meals until end of the month.
3.To be aware or mindful and calm every moment.
Major Goal:
- To work my heart out to get the best possible score in JEE Advanced 16 ,which will be held on 22nd May.So This Goal is up till 22nd May,not only until April.

Also,I would like to Thank Heirs of The Sun Group moderators for creating such a challenge.

 

What happened or is happening in my life that led to me turning to porn for comfort and to escape reality?

My story is nothing special, the cause that led me to PMO is rather simple: pure curiosity, and adolescence. I do not know how old I was at the time of my first encounter with porn, maybe 8. Masturbating begun later, about the age of 14. There have been several PMO free periods since then, but nothing permanent.
Of course curiosity and adolescence in itself is not enough for something that already lasted about one and a half decade. I kept going on with PMO because it was one of the ways to escape reality. If I watched porn, or masturbated I could at least temporary forget that I do not have a girlfriend, and seem incapable to find one. Even I could have some kind of sexual experience this way, although I am well aware that this is an illusion.
But I need to stop beleiving in illusions, I need to face the reality, the weight of my situation, even if this is difficult and painful.


I did not like masturbating nor watching porn, but somehow it felt compulsory for me. It kinda annoys me, but I can not give a better explanation. On the flip side I simply do not feel like masturbating anymore, and I also do not know why, so maybe that evens things out.
It is just that I got fed up with masturbating, and fortunately I found this site which helped me to stop it.

My small goals are the following:

1. sleep more
2. be more productive at work
3. read more

The big goal:
nothing special, but I need to find out what I want with my life, I need to find myself.

 

"What happened or is happening in my life that led to me turning to porn for comfort and to escape reality?"

It all started because of bad friendship taste. At the age of 11/12 my friends was always talking about porn (even though non of them know what it really was). I found the topic interesting but I didn't look it up because I didn't have a privete platform to access it back then. Later on I was exposed to porn by accident, I was chocked but at the same time I found it interesting to look at.

At the age of 13 I started looking at porn substitute on Facebook and masturbating to them occasionally. Months went by and I was still on that habit until I stopped it. Unfortunately that wasn't the end because it all came back at the age of 14, but this time I was masturbating to TV stripping shows and I did that for quite a while but I ended up stopping it completely until I got my first phone at the age of 15, I still remember the first time I looked "p" on it like it was yesterday.

Between the age of 15 and 16 I kept stopping and going back at it, so far I wasn't hooked on it because I did it for fun (it was at the beginning). The big disaster happened last summer (at the age of 16), it was too hot outside I had to stay at home. I had nothing to do so I used to pmo for hours daily, then I realized I was deeply hooked up with porn, I started watching more and more violent and disgusting stuff because standard porn looked so boring. But I continued anyway, I did that for the whole summer and ended up doing it as heavy throughout the entire year of 2015.

In 2016 I started looking up some porn addiction articles, I found that the symptoms almost matched. On February 4th I was watching YouTuber's live stream (big brandon carter w/ kinobody) talking about nofap at the same time I had a recommendation of B.W.G.I.A video I checked it out and here I am.

PS: sorry my English is kinda rusty.

.part 2:

3 small goals:
1. Get better grades in this school's trimester.
2. Finish 15 weeks freeletics (workout program).
3. Reach 90 days no pmo.

1 BIG GOAL:
. Be the best version of myself physically, mentally ... and spiritually.

At the end i would like to thank you guys for the support on my journey, stay strong heirs

 

What happened/ is happening to turn me to porn

I know in the beginning I turned to porn for comfort. I was a depressed, lonely, and self-loathing teen. I never thought I would amount to anything and thought I was beyond love and friends always doubting myself always angry at everyone around me for not having that which I wanted most. Porn was an escape I found unquestioning easy “love and acceptance”, eventually I did find a girlfriend, the first one I had that did not cheat on me with in the month, after we dated for a while I told of my addiction she was hurt but supportive and still is as she has now become my wife.

By this time I had fooled myself into denial that this wasn’t a big problem that it would go away in time then I told myself that when I was married it would just disappear the lie continued after marriage with I can beat this by myself. I was wrong. After so many years addiction has become habit, I now turn to it just to escape the hard parts of life.

I feel I have lost who I truly am. My insecurities still hang around but all the fight has gone from me, I fear I no longer have the strength or will left to win. The warrior I used to and desperately wont to be again has left and only the hurt scared week little thing is left behind.

Goals

1. To get back into shape physically in order to aid my self-esteem (20 minuets daily)

2. To find a accountability partner so I do not fight so alone

3. Make time for my friends and family to reaffirm that I am not alone (family twice a week friends 1 a week)
BIG Goal
To get help for my self and let someone help me.
To make 30 days again.

 

Part 1: "What happened or is happening in my life that led to me turning to porn for comfort & to escape reality?"

It feels good.

I've been challenged with this question before. I was glad to see it in the forum. My therapist really pressed me on this very question and I struggle with it. I vividly remember my first exposure to P as I do the first time I experienced O. It feels good.

I understand triggers to be something altogether different and that is how I will approach this question on a deeper level. Triggers include:

• isolation & opportunity: I can get away with it. It will feel good. I can cover my tracks and no one will know what I've done.
• entitlement: I've done so good (at anything, it doesn't have to be a no PMO streak), I deserve to enjoy this experience.
• imagination disguised as innocence: The internal dialogue is something like this, "Hmm... I'm not going to to do anything, but I wonder what results would pop up from a search of this phrase? In the recesses of my mind and dark corners of my heart I know all along the destination is PMO but I lie to myself and behave as if I believe my own lie. How messed up is that?!
• anger & resentment: towards my wife, my job or my God. It's childish - I lose an argument, something doesn't turn out the way I want, life is difficult or crappy - so PMO becomes my rebellion.
• exhaustion: At the end of the day my defenses are down. I'm not thinking smart and I engage one of the rationales listed above.
• alcohol: Drink too much and reasoning skills go out the window along with inhibitions.
• apathy: Not caring leads to not hoping for something better, so who cares - I'll do as I please. It'll feel good and I'll get over the repercussions just as I always have before.

Thanks to you for reading this. I value your feedback.

@iamfree

 

I can relate to these ideas and think all of what you said can be a valuable reflection topic.

 

This is a great post! It is so extremely arrogant and selfish to habitually fantasize. We end up trying to manipulate people to fit with our fantasy. It keeps us from connecting with other humans. It keeps us from the Holy Spirit.

 

Right you are.
After a week or two of no PMO, it becomes embarrassingly obvious how accustomed I am to fantasizing about others. I long to respect others as humans rather than use random people I see throughout the day as objects (idols?) of my own desires.
My desires deserve to be higher than low-level, time-wasting, lie-believing, sexually-driven delusions.
@iamfree