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Feeling like a looser in life

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Samipro, Apr 8, 2016.

  1. Samipro

    Samipro Fapstronaut

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    Dear community members,

    Although Life is made to experience many things, I never thought I would experience being in a support group. I guess it is the time for this...

    From the onset of my parents’ divorce, half my life ago, I started to watch porn. Surprisingly, the first porn magazine I watched, I stole from my mother! (she came back from Brazil and discovered a new side to her sexuality). From this point on, as you might have guessed, I just wanted more porn magazines. Given I was underaged, I stole many of those! Later in life, came the porn videos, the peepshows, the strippers and then the prostitutes. A fair bit of money I ditched in these things... (I counted close to 10,000$). Fortunately, nothing bad ever happened so far in my life in regards to these habits. I am thankful for this.

    Despite this chance, the porn and sex habits have taken a heavy toll on my life: I am over 40 y.o. now, super educated (I have 3 post-doctorate degrees in biology), I have good reviews in the courses I teach, I publish my research in good journals, I have experienced working in many different countries and different universities. Nonetheless, I feel like a looser!!!

    Despite my education and achievements, I don’t hold a ‘real’ job; no car, no house, just a surfboard and skateboard. I can’t compete well enough on the job market because I am always escaping my life, most often through porn and prostitutes, instead of working. Initially, I thought that everything ‘consumed’ in moderation should be OK. Unfortunately, I found myself losing control and wanting always more. Also, if I planned to watch porn at home at the end of the day, I just keep thinking of it all day, anticipating this pleasure and l lose all abilities to concentrate, to be calm and enjoying life. I have also overconsumed porn by spending entire days at my job watching it on the internet, sometimes masturbating. Even worst, I did these things while other people were in my office (we share an office). While I was never caught doing these things, THEY SUCKED ALL MY MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL ENERGY, MY PRIDE, MY FOCUS AND MY ABILITY TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF.

    What followed is a chronic lack of discipline, commitment and settling for less in Life, much less, than I can achieve.

    After viewing the negative impacts porn has on men, I have decided to stop watching it. Surprisingly, it’s not that hard so far. However, I am not sure I can pass even one day without fapping. I have masturbated every day that I can remember for the past 35 y.

    Today is the time to cleanse my life, to follow my dreams (not my short-time desires) and to believe in myself. There is no escaping, because one can't escape his life.

    Understanding and support from other members will mean a lot to me.

    Best to you all.
     
    Leanne likes this.
  2. traveller22

    traveller22 Fapstronaut

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    Hi Samipro.

    Welcome to the NoFap community! You will come to realise that you have joined what feels like a tribe, more than a self-help group. We are all warriors, looking to overcome our addiction to PMO & become everything we have the potential to be.

    For what it's worth, my advice to you over the next few weeks is to commit to spending time on this site EVERY SINGLE DAY. The more time you spend here - educating yourself, learning from the experiences of others & dropping words of encouragement - the more rapid & deeper your recovery will be.

    One thing we have to do is get to the root of why we're fapping in the first place - very often it comes down to fear & anxiety. When we commit to going cold turkey rather than getting the dopamine hit to temporarily chill out, we can start to understand our triggers, our fears etc.

    You have probably come to this conclusion already but either way, be sure of one thing: you won't get over this on your own & the NoFap community is here to help. I'd suggest you find an accountability partner. If you are open to it, I would also consider looking for a SAA meeting in your area, if you have one.

    You will find a lot of sound advice on this site, so I won't start repeating it all here. Just remember that you are not alone. We are all on the road to healing & recovery.

    You are much more than a loser. Breaking the PMO habit will certainly help you regain your confidence & sense of connection & self-esteem. It will just take time.

    One moment at a time...

    T22.
     
    Samipro likes this.
  3. Samipro

    Samipro Fapstronaut

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  4. kk76

    kk76 Fapstronaut

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    Thinking you are a loser is not the best start

    We've all been down but the question is do we stay down?

    IAMX - Trials

    "Every morning I feel it
    Kicking inside me
    Telling me I'm not good at all

    Though I hear the voices
    I recognise them
    They are the demons in us all

    I wake up hot, I wake up cold
    But my trials are my friends
    Every little flaw digging in my soul
    But my trials are my friends

    I can only win in the end
    My trials are my friends"
     
  5. Leanne

    Leanne Fapstronaut

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    Welcome! I hope you get to know this community as I have! Don't be too hard on yourself, but let this feeling move you toward change and success! Good luck!
     
    traveller22 likes this.

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