Feeling like a looser in life

Dear community members,

Although Life is made to experience many things, I never thought I would experience being in a support group. I guess it is the time for this.

From the onset of my parents’ divorce, half my life ago, I started to watch porn. Surprisingly, the first porn magazine I watched, I stole from my mother! (she came back from Brazil and discovered a new side to her sexuality). From this point on, as you might have guessed, I just wanted more porn magazines. Given I was underage, I stole many of those! Later in life, came the porn videos, the peepshows, the strippers and then the prostitutes. A fair bit of money I ditched in these things... (I counted close to 10,000$). Fortunately, nothing bad ever happened so far in my life in regards to these habits. I am thankful for this.

Despite this, the porn and sex habits have taken a heavy toll on my life: I am over 40 y.o. now, super educated (I have 3 post-doctorate degrees in biology), I have good reviews in the courses I teach, I publish my research in good journals, I have experienced working in many different countries and different universities. Nonetheless, I feel like a looser!!!

Despite my education and achievements, I don’t hold a ‘real’ job; no car, no house, just a surfboard and skateboard. I can’t compete well enough on the job market because I am always escaping my life, most often through porn and prostitutes. Initially, I thought that everything ‘consumed’ in moderation should be OK. Unfortunately, I found myself losing control and wanting always more. Also, if I planned to watch porn at home at the end of the day, I just keep thinking of it all day, anticipating this pleasure and l lose all abilities to concentrate, to be calm and enjoying life. I have also overconsumed porn by spending entire days at my job watching it on the internet, sometimes masturbating. Even worst, I did these things while other people were in my office (we share an office). While I was never caught doing these things, THEY SUCKED ALL MY MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL ENERGY, MY PRIDE, MY FOCUS AND MY ABILITY TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF.

What followed is lack of discipline, commitment and I settled for less in Life, much less than I can achieve.

After viewing the negative impacts porn as on men, I have decided to stop watching it. Surprisingly, it’s not that hard so far. However, I am not sure I can pass even one day without fapping. I have masturbated every day that I can remember.

Today is the time to cleanse my life, to follow my dreams (not my short-time desires) and to believe in myself.

Understanding and support from other members will mean a lot to me.

Best to you all.

 

Thank You Oreogirl. I am focussing on my successes... daily