Almost a success story...

Well, the requirement for posting your report here is 30 days, which I have accomplished. Today I was probably on day 35, didn't really track well. And I relapsed just now, 3 times pmo...

Anyways, it has been one month without masturbating to pmo. Haven't masturbated at all. Have checked some sites time to time, but just pictures. And yet, it still hurts your progress. I wasn't on hard mode though.

To begin with, I would like to say what was my plan. I left this forum, because I felt it wasn't really helpful. Still think this way. And I decided to go on my own path, which was a great success. For me, 30+ days was unimaginable. And yet I managed, with an unorthodox ways. I didn't really masturbate or look at pornography and I started visiting a hooker, because really, I am bad at vowing girls(though I am getting there right now quite well). I decided to find one girl and stick with her, because changing girls wouldn't do me any good. First one wasn't really a nice looking one, though i tried to make myself believe otherwise. The second one, well I was lucky. And as I planned, now we are on friendly relationships and she does me for fun Hurrah economy!

So basically, what I planned was to go on for 90 days and come back here saying fuck this shit! I got my path with hookers and blackjack! But alas, my guilt from fetishes kicked in...

Fuck... this shit is tough. Ones who don't have any fetishes that ruin your life, don't fucking open Pandora's box.

Anyways, lets get to the good part: my improvements.

First of all, I am more aware of surroundings. Don't fill dizzy as much anymore.

I started care of myself. I push myself everyday. I train to my limits and it feels good.

I am somewhat ok with being sad. I was getting there and I am pretty sure would eventually get there. What does it mean to be ok with feeling sad? Not running away from your problems? Just being there and feeling it? It means a world to me. It means balance, clear, strong mind, that doesn't shift in mileseconds.

I started feeling my personality, my character. As I said before, this brought balance to me. I wasn't feeling like a total shit all the time. I felt like I was someone defined. Like I knew what I would do and what to do. I was ok with being wrong. I wasn't judging myself that much. I wasn't completely overthinking(I still was overthinking much but not like a complete nut-job)

Women. I started appreciating them more. I got better at sex. I last longer and what's more important, I am way more engaged. And the funny thing I found is that women just love pleasing men. I mean, doesn't matter how hard you fuck her, if she doesn't feel you are enjoying her, she won't enjoy it any more than fucking a dildo. So... I started faking orgasm LOL.

Clearly after so many years of PMO I can't just go on and have the best sex of my life. I don't enjoy it "much". I feel there are a lot of things to sort out. Sensitivity got better, but it's still not normal. Fantasizing stopped. I don't really think about porn during sex and also, I don't think about what will I do for 6-10 minutes? What should I do to stretch time? I don't stretch time. I just enjoy my time with my partner. Probably the biggest shift in my mindset.

I don't battle myself anymore. Let's face it, porn addiction is not a cancer. Every time we say it, we just stupidly over-dramatize things. It's just like being fat. Of course, if you are obese or clinically dangerously obese your situation is far worse. But you don't find yourself when you lose weight. If you fight at all, you fight for yourself. No need for feeling all heroic and badass about yourself for doing a simple thing like not masturbating to porn. It's not a heroic, epic battle. When you think high of yourself, that's when you become little. Don't let your narcissism blind you. When you are at peace with yourself, you just "act high", but you do not have a talk with yourself about it.

And lastly, fuck 90 days bullshit. You may say, that first I have to get to 90 days to say this, but I don't care. Fuck it. From where I am right now, I already can see how much of a bullshit 90 days challenge is. There is no magic and even if there was, you can keep it to yourself. I am here for shaping myself and for self-improvement. Not for a magic trick. There is no 90 days. There is fapping and not fapping. I choose not fapping. Not for 90 days, but indefinitely and as much as I can. If I "treat myself to some cake", it's not an apocalypse, and yet I acknowledge, it's a minor failure that I should learn upon.

Quite frankly the last two reasons is why I don't find this forum helpful anymore. People here are all about challenges and hating sex. Fighting a war with themselves. If you win a war with yourself, won't you be the one to lose? Anyways, this is what I find negative about this community. I think you should all rethink your ways.

 

Anyways, I am here again just for my avatar. I know I'll be successful with my goals. I am just sorry that I lost so much time with self-loathing and dramatizing things. I don't know if I will come back here to share the story. I feel like all this story telling isn't doing much good after all. You don't know me, but let me tell you that your situation most probably isn't anywhere near mine based on your own perspectives.

All this time I have been waiting for a change to come, from 30 days, from 60 days, from 90 days. It's all a bullshit. I make a change everyday and one day I'll change myself for good. All this time I waited for a magic to happen so I could be more outgoing and popular with girls and etc. This seems so ridiculous now. I didn't lose anything with a relapse. I am still on foot. I might even feel more motivated now. It's a learning process and not a marathon. You find solution to your problems from learning yourself. Not fighting yourself. Not blaming yourself.

I know quite well that some people here teach not to just abstain for a number of days, but to change your lifestyle. And yet all this insights are lost on this forum among the bullshittery like if you hit the 90 days mark you are all good. This all makes you feel like you just have to wait for a change, not perform one.

 

As I stated above, now we are "sexfriends" and we have an intimate, fun lovemaking sessions, for free. So your fairs don't apply to me buddy

The thing is she is leaving the town so now I am looking for other girls.