Its been my prision

I have never started a thread on anything so here goes. I started SAA in January, recently got a sponsor and decided I need to do a reboot. I began my re-boot on Thursday (April 21st.) I have had moments where all I want to do is Fap but have created some mechanisms to remove myself from the situation that would give me the opportunity such as working at home alone in my office.

I know that this rebooting process will also trigger me to face the things that have lead me to the place that I am at now. I am currently in SAA (started in January). Below is a short piece that I wrote and read in a meeting a couple weeks ago. Please read and let me know what you think. (Edited some references for relevancy to this site.)


I am the judge, jury, jailer and executioner. I sentence to death, torment and destruction with unwavering conviction and brutality beyond measure. Stepping into my courtroom a broken man, a man seeking forgiveness hoping for pardon that he knows he will never receive.

In my courtroom he stands where I read aloud his transgressions, showing time and again his failures and faults. The man stands quietly never looking up, never moving for fear of stoking my wrath. The only sound this man ever makes are of his tears as they hit the cold stone floor.

This man has been to my court many times and always the sentence of torture and death are the same. However, this man is never summoned to my court but enters of his own free will, knowing his fate and anticipating my brutal judgement.

This man I place in chains to be led into dark places to be tortured and broken before he is led to the executioner for final judgement. He goes from torment to torment, to the dogs of wrath that tear flesh and muscle down to bone, to the amphitheater where he is stripped bear and his faults laid for all to scoff. He is led into my gardens where there appears shade and respite, to find thorns that dig deep and only rotted fruit to eat.

Crimes that deserve such punishment and torture must be of the most vial and brutal nature. Yet should you ask this man or the judge of his crimes, the charge is but one. "Because he deserves it". He deserves it screams the judge with pure hatred and the man responds quietly, because I deserve it.

I am the man, the judge, jailer and executioner. Sentencing myself to torture, I let loose the hounds that tear at my flesh and crush my bones. Sentencing myself to demoralizing and deeming ways of acting out, abandoning principals, abandoning hope; all of which serve to secure tight my prison gates.

I close and lock tight my prison not to prevent escape but to keep love and hope from entering, because… I don't deserve them.

In that brokenness with soul exposed, bleeding from the thorns and flesh stripped from the beatings I sit in these rooms. Afraid of judgement, hiding the deepest parts of myself while others share so freely of their pain and joy, I only hide.

I still stand in judgement of myself, the punishment and cruelty meted out time and again. With love of my brothers and the support of SAA to be able look my judge in the eye. Though my tears still stream from bloodshot eyes I know… I know that one day I won't walk into that courtroom anymore. I will turn asunder the garden, till the soil and bring life where now there is death and rot, starve the hounds of destruction that have fed on anger, pain and shame that I so abundantly supplied.

In these forums and on this site, there are those that will walk into my prison ignoring the warnings, the angry guards, and walked through my prison gates. Wit every footprint left on these desolate prison grounds, they leave footprints of hope for me to follow out of this prison of my own making.

To NoFap I say thank you for accepting this prisoner and offering me so freely hope, a kind word and a place of refuge. I know that one day I will leave my prison and judge behind.

 

I actually just finished my circles with my sponsor a week ago to the day. I decided to take it one step further and go on a 90 day reboot which I am finishing my 7th day today. I find that writing is a really good way of touching those ugly parts deep inside and getting them out. Speaking the issues, thoughts and those "things" that are very deep down they being to loose their power.

 

That's what I am working on, doing this kind of writing really gets it out of my head and then I can begin to process and resolve. I really appreciate all the feedback I have gotten from this thread. This place was definitely instrumental in me having the strength to share some very deep scars in my meeting last night. Talk about a freeing experience.

 

Yes you have!!!! I am very happy to hear that you are in-program. What I will encourage you that I have (this week) started sharing in group the things that bring me the most shame, abuse etc. What I have found without fail is that when you are able to really open up and lay it out there people in program rush to your side.

I had really watershed moments this week in group and with my sponsor, I have broken one of the major chains of bondage that has been driving my addiction.

Spend time at fellowship when it is offered and you will find people that resonate more with you. I know that we have it in some of our bigger meetings is a sponsor coordinators.