Ex-gf of an addict

Hi, Sunflower80. I am probably the least qualified person (63 year old married man!) to comment, but here's my take on your situation. It sounds to me like your ex doesn't want help - from you or anyone else. If you've offered to fight this battle with him, and he refused (to the point of saying you are hindering his progress!), then he isn't ready to make the commitment to change. It all sounds like a big smoke screen to me.

I'd like to see @Shady2 and @fupornwife weigh in on this - they are working through this issue with their husbands. Best wishes to you - you must be very special to even consider supporting your ex in this way.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know with me, when I found out, I wanted so badly to "fix" my husband that I rushed past my own feelings. Years later I'm still trying to work through how his porn addiction affects me and remember to think of my own needs too. You absolutely need to be able to express your fears to him. You should not feel guilty. This is not your fault. And you are not responsible for fixing him. I would suggest counseling for yourself. It helped me so much. I'm not saying you can't give him another chance, but I think working through your feelings with a counselor first would be very helpful. Maybe there is a way to share the website with him at some point, but it doesn't have to come immediately. Your fears are valid and taking your time to decide how you want to proceed sounds like a very good idea.

 

Hi Sunflower,

So sorry to hear what you've been going through. I'd like to make three observations, for what they're worth:

Firstly, if I'm understanding correctly that your ex boyfriend didn't engage with you sexually because of (his) performance issues, it's an indication that he was deeply invested in porn consumption. The reason I say this, is that porn-induced erectile dysfunction doesn't happen overnight, so just be aware that this in an indicator of the severity of his situation.

Secondly, be aware that people in recovery are very susceptible to relapses due to stress - ie stress is often a trigger. I mention this because it's possible that when you shared all your (legitimate) fears about the future with him, he was reacting to the stress in saying he was being hindered, not to you hindering him...if that makes sense.

Thirdly, if there is to be any future for the two of you, my hope is that he would attempt recovery for himself, and not only for you. With this in mind, there may be wisdom in staying apart for at least a year, ensuring that he is exposed to resources like this site, and then observing whether he actually engaged with getting clean. I believe you'll know if he's actually winning his battle, because he'll be as excited as a kid in a candy store and will want to tell you.

Having said all of this, I'd put more weight on what partners of addicts on this site advise!

Strength to you,

Sojourner

 

This is all so complicated. Relationships always are, but adding the porn element to it just really makes it harder and less comprehensible. I have thought back to the time before my husband and I were married a lot since finding out about his addiction, and I've asked myself what I'd have done if I'd known about the addiction before we were married. At least I would have had the opportunity to learn about the issue and how it would affect me. I did know some of his sexual problems, though, and I naively thought that they wouldn't affect every single area of our life together. Unfortunately, they do.

I guess I'm saying this to encourage you to do a couple of things:

• Learn as much about this, how it affects people and what partners have to deal with before ever pursuing a relationship with him again. This will affect every part of your life with him in one way or another. Even if he gets the PMO addiction under control, the fact that he's got it in the first place indicates some underlying psychological issues that need addressed. People with PMO have addictive personalities that turn to other things for relief when one addiction is removed. They deal with depression and anxiety, which have been HUGE in my husband's life, have hurt me so much over the years. They tend toward narcissism, which makes it difficult for them ever to put themselves in your shoes and think about your feelings. They're so wrapped up in their own issues that they find it difficult to see outside of themselves. These are things I didn't know about him when I married him and have taken a huge toll on me and on our relationship.
• Learn more about yourself before getting into a relationship again. Go to counseling! I wish I'd really invested a good amount of time and money into therapy so I could understand why I was attracted to people who struggle. Why did the issues I knew he had attract me? I'm not some freak. I'm pretty normal, but I grew up giving my parents a lot of emotional support. I think I felt comfortable in that role and looked for a man who needed that as well. However, that isn't a healthy way to live all the time, and when his depression debilitated him and forced me to take over long term, I felt exhausted and under-loved and resented him. I was angry and difficult and took out my frustration on our children sometimes. I wish I'd known these things about myself before getting into a marriage with him so that I could have acted in more healthy ways early on.

I probably still would have married @Shady1 . I love him to death. I always will. I couldn't escape that when we were dating and breaking up all those years ago. I just probably could have gone into it with more insight and more tools for building a healthy relationship.

 

Yes! I am so happy to hear this. The best advice I was once given, if you and your therapist don't click, move on. I once saw a therapist I hated and only went to once. (I should have walked out of that first appointment.) I also saw one guy, off and on for a year, and only then realized I wasn't making the same progress I had with other therapists. But the majority of the therapists I have seen (over the last 2 decades I have seen multiple therapists in different cities) were VERY helpful and I would not be where I am today without their help.

Go you!!!

 

I'm the oldest too. It's a lot of pressure sometimes. I always felt like I had to be there for every, but I reached a point when I needed someone to be there for me and realized that he wasn't able to. Now that he's dealing with his issues and getting healthy, it's a whole different ballpark, and I'm shocked and how much happier and content I feel. How less resentful and angry I am now. Counseling has helped me feel validated and regain the perspective that I'm not the only one to blame for the problems in our marriage.

I'm so glad you're taking this step! If you don't find a counselor you like and connect to right away, don't be afraid to keep looking. When you find one who's right for you, it'll be way worth it! Good luck and keep us in the loop!

 

If you're the least qualified, I must be lumped in there with you somehow. I concur completely.

 

I'm the oldest too and I identify with what both of you ladies said here. Hmmm. I wonder if that's a theme with the significant others of addicts. That many of them are the oldest? It makes me curious. Like Shady2 said, I had to learn, in counseling, how to be there for me and let go of the responsibility of taking care of my husband. That released me, and him, to get to the place where we are. Battling this side by said.

 

Thanks... But I'm glad that @Shady2 and @fupornwife responded with such good advice from the partner's perspective. This is a community filled with knowledge that likely can't be found anywhere else.

 

I absolutely get this. I want my husband to heal too. I want him to be happy and to have a good life. However, I also know that isn't really up to me. I've worked very hard over the last two decades to help him to find this contentment and happiness, but I have seen over and over that the things I do to help him sometimes don't work and even make it worse. He has to take responsibility for himself and his own meaning and purpose in life. Your boyfriend does too. When you help them, sometimes that help becomes a crutch that enables them to avoid dealing with their problems head on and sometimes it focuses attention on you or on the problem instead of the solutions.

I really think the best thing you can do is stay apart from him and work on your own emotional health. You don't know what the future will bring for both of you, but it can't hurt to be emotionally and spiritually stronger yourself, whether you get back together or not.

 

hi sunflower, all i can say is that ive been addicted to porn for over 10 years , i started when i was 25, before that time i was the most happy go lucky guy you could ever meet and a total romantic and gentleman to all my then girlfriends, then i got hooked on internet porn and my life fell to pieces, i lost a woman i really and truely did love and not a bit of it was her fault whatsoever so please dont blame yourself in anyway, this addiction really messes with peoples minds, im really glad you found this site and saw "your brain on porn" as yes for years and years it was just religious sites and there was no real scientific studies done, i suffered greatly because of this because when i went to find out what was going on with me i just got the religious stuff which never helped, now i am spiritual but i really needed some concrete studies to help me realise that this is a "real" addiction, so im very thankfull for NoFap and YBOP, and im glad you have found it too!

all i can say is that you are a really great woman and person to still want to help him and be with him but he will have to meet you half way on this, if he is willing to join this site and wake up to the fact that he is addicted to porn and wake up to the fact that he is hurting you then you will know that he cares about you, it could even be something you can do together, i know there are many guys on here trying their best with their wives support! if he is willing to try then you still have hope, if he is not willing to try even once then as much as it hurts you may have to cut him free from your life! because if he wont try to change then i really think you deserve better!

again none of this is your fault, nothing to do with your looks/personality or what your willing to do sex wise , porn addiction is so powerfull it can take a mans mind so far away and distort everything!

As for the transgendered person sites etc, im totally straight and i even found myself looking at this stuff out of sheer novelty, it all seemed arousing as it was new and different when in front of a screen but in reality i would only want to sleep with women, now maybe he is BI but if he is a porn addict then there maybe a good chance that he is completely straight but has been led down the garden path of more extreme content, which is very common with porn addicts!

either way i really hope you can get through to him and demand that he at least tries to make a change, if he does and is succesful then you have saved him and your relationship but if he is not willing to even try then i would say to find someone else, i know that sounds bad but you have to think of your own feelings too, and like i said, a woman who would go to such lenghts to save a relationship is a woman who deserves the best!

i really hope he will change and that you will be happy together!

Peace!