crazy story

I've got an unusual situation.

For a long time I have been contemplating whether or not I should fully commit to a celibate life, and NoFap is a part of that process. I wanted to have a good amount of time free from PMO under my belt before I commited to such a decision. Now, at 30ish+ days in, I'm having some thoughts bubble up as to why I may be inclined to even be contemplating this in the first place.

Help me out...?

I'll try to keep this as short and simple as possible, but please bear in mind it is something horrible and desperately complicated, so no amount of words can fully convey the truth of what I've been through. In 2007, when I was 21, I was involuntarily commited to a psychatric ward. They were unable to confirm a diagnosis because I "responded to treatment", which really was that I learned how to hide my symptoms. So, they never quite settled between Bi-Polar, Schizophrenia and Schizoaffectic.

I still have trouble speaking about the things I went through in there. I went in with the adamant belief that I was okay, but somewhere along the way in there I lost that and much much more. Because I was an "involuntary admission" I essentially lost all my rights as a person. The things that I was unable to stop happening to me at their hands still haunt me. The only way I got out was to fool the doctors into thinking I had accepted their diagnosis and would faithfully keep swallowing whatever pills they'd give me when I was out. In truth, I just wanted to get out so I'd be able to end my life. Essentially, I left that place a very broken person, I didn't even feel like I was a person anymore.

Warp forward to the present. Somehow, against all odds, I managed to regain my sanity. I was told that if I ever stopped taking the pills I would be back in the psych ward within 2 weeks of stopping. It's now been 5 years since I've been medicated, and I've not struggled with any mental health issues whatsoever since that day 5 years ago when I managed to finally get out of that hell. I'm somewhat of an anomaly for this. I was told that NOONE gets better from what I had. But, here I am, in sound mind with years of evidence to back up that claim.

While I am incredibly thankful to be where I am today, I am still dealing with the repercussions of what happened. The medications did some damage to me, my body has never behaved quite the same as it did before. I got onto a disability program on the basis of the diagnosis, and have been using that like a crutch while tending the wounds I suffered from back then.

The thing is, with all this stuff, how can I approach a woman? Did I write off the possibility and sequester myself because of this, at least in part? If I told someone the truth, what would they think? Why would someone want to be with a man like me who is still carrying around such damage?

I'm getting better and hope to be off disability soon, but I have to admit it has been hard and is taking a long time. Do I wait until I'm 100% again? Do I wait until I've once again established a normal & socially acceptable pattern of life? Did I forget about women because the thought of how impossible it seemed was too painful to bear, or was accepting the impossibility of it a means by which I mitigated the suffering of that time?

Are my reasons for singleness today one of devotion to God, or is that a self-justification to prop up this disaster? Being PMO-free is helping me approach an answer, I'm feeling stronger now, but I confess... I could use some help.

 

Hey @PMOslaveNoMore, thank you for your candid reply.

It certainly is mostly fear. I've been trying lately to come to see rejection in a new light. With failure, I learned that just because I may fail that doesn't mean I am a failure. I have come to know and accept that the road to success may be paved with failures. I know there is another side to rejection, I just can't see it clearly yet. Or, perhaps, the things I have learned at the hands of rejection may be disturbing and hard to accept as good.

It is interesting to me that you mentioned putting myself out there. I had done that, secretly, just to see what may happen and to begin to confront these fears. Just talking with people about normal stuff helps, but I know at some point its gonna come up. I can't hide the issue. On the surface, things are cool because of who I am today.. but an inquisitive & perceptive person can tell there is something up with me. I've got years missing because of this, it's impossible to hide.

But, I have had some really positive experiences. This one lady, who after hearing about some of my childhood said, "your past does not define you." I know that is true. Also, there is another lady, who has a wild yet sweet soul.. and is heartbreakingly beautiful, who has taken an interest in me. I know I gotta be careful, I can't let all my past consume me.

The worst part of this one is that she makes me want to hope. While that may sound great, such an emotion can play up the fears to a point where it is hard to see past them. I know it may sound strange to ask, but is it better if I kill that hope in my heart by accepting that the consequences don't matter? Perhaps I would be more free and confident that way.

I am glad for you, how did your dates go, if you don't mind me asking?