I'm so pissed fapping is destroying my sex life [NEWBIE REPORT]

Hi all, I'm new in this forum, pleasure to meet you all!

A bit of background, I'm nearing 23, work part-time, and I'm also starting a business on the side. I'm quite sexually active, but this past few months I have been focusing so much on my business I don't have much time to go out.

However, my sexual drive is really strong and it resulted in me fapping at least twice a day, I'd always find the time to do it, up to the point I can't sleep without doing it first.

The problem was, I never thought of fapping as some disgusting habit, it's just natural to me, I had no shame about it. The only thing I didn't like is the feeling of dependency but that's about it.

Last night I went out on a second date with this beautiful girl. Beautiful eyes, beautiful dark blonde hair, and I can tell she really liked me. This night was the second night in a row I didn't fap because usually I get tired quickly during sex if I fap on that day.

However, on our date, I suddenly felt weird and uneasy, because there I was, sitting next to her at a bar, holding her hand, smelling her hair which would always arouse me, but I felt nothing. No boner, no sexual thoughts, no nothing. It was fun but platonic. And I realized, even if I invited her home, I would not be able to 'get it up'.

She was twirling her hair, laughing sheepishly, showing that she really wants me to move forward, but I couldn't do it. I didn't have the desire to even kiss her and I ended up walking her to meet her other friend and feeling down on my way home.

Yes, it's all my responsibility, I watched too much porn, fapped too much, have too wild of an imagination that when I see a normal girl dressed normally in front of me, I feel nothing.

It's definitely ruining my sex life and ruining my self-control. So from this day, day number three, I vow to try my best to not masturbate for 90 days. I would still have sex, but I will not objectify women in my head any longer, I don't want to fall for this subtle trap anymore.

I'm going to post my journal here on this thread too just to keep myself accountable.

Thank you very much for listening to me guys, means a lot!
Please wish me luck.

 

Day 3:
Deleted my offline porn folders, making it a bit harder for me to fap.

 

Ah, thank you for bringing this into my awareness. I'm going to anchor disgust at myself for not being able to 'perform' and actually make disgust face, this is quite powerful

 

Yeah, I feel like it's best not to think any thoughts or let your mind be empty because it's going to be filled with sexual fantasies anyways.

Day 4 update
Went out last night to a couple of bars, met a really nice girl from New Zealand and we hit it off quickly, I'm still feeling a little bit off though, I had no sexual pressure at all still, which is disappointing. Not that I want to fantasize or sexualize her, it's just that usually in that stage I'd feel something, a bit aroused or some sort, but yeah, I guess this is my punishment for fapping too much.
But i'm not giving up, it's only the 4th day, I'm looking forward to possibly 90 and maybe even a year so that every 'loving' that I have, I can actually share it with a person.

 

Day 6 - Starting to Feel Like a Man Again

I went on a date two days ago and I was 'aroused' only by smelling her hair, I haven't felt like this in months but now that I've suppressed myself, I feel much more 'natural', like this is the feeling I should have, I want to feel nervous.

Yesterday despite staying at home most of the day and working in my computer almost all day, I didn't fap. Today I'm going to a meditation group which should help me with my journey as well.

I just remembered by writing this journal, whenever I start to have thoughts about fapping (which naturally happens more often now), I will make a disgusted face and feel disgusted, and remember how I was sitting to this really beautiful girl, holding her hands and looking into her eyes, I felt nothing.

 

Just reset.
After 23 days, I gave in.
I was going out with this girl and we were at my place and kissed etc. but didn't have sex.
This devastated me. A week ago I felt so horny that it was easy for me to have sex with a girl and it felt so great, so when I failed to have sex when I thought I would, I was devastated and took it out on porn.

Ah well, start from day 1, it's a new day. No point in wallowing in defeat, let's just carry on!